Astala

Thank you kayc (and all who have responded). It has helped more than I thought it would just to get this stuff off my chest and actually have a "conversation" about it with those that are not close to us for perspective. Your words mean far more than you know.

Thank you kayc - you summed it up very well. Part of me can't help but feeling like she is taking advantage of the situation - while they had known her for a while before my sister got very sick, they were never very close. She only started spending a ton of time with my sister during the last few weeks of her life. She was totally friendly to my brother in law's parents as well during this time and would come over and hang out with them when they weren't at hospice and would text them all the time during this time. At the time, we were thankful for the help, but in hindsight I can't help but feel like she was setting it all up (even subconsciously). I keep trying to give my head a shake thinking that it's my thought process that is messed up, but we have a couple of friends that feel the same way...it just doesn't sit right. Whether or not this is the case, we will never know, we just have to deal with the current situation. I'm mostly concerned for my niece. She is best friends with this neighbours daughter so if this falls apart, as I told him, there is no "clean break". He says that she says she is ok with it, but I do not believe that to be the case and she is saying that for her father's benefit. Again, this could be my thought process interfering. Of course, I still love my brother in law and want to be supportive...I somehow felt that if he should be able to accept this, then I should too and felt guilty that I couldn't....trying to figure out the best way to deal with this is so confusing which is why I have taken the approach that I have. I hope we have a resolution to this (even if it is only time to adjust) as you did. I want him (and my niece) to be happy. I just hope that I can be one day too.

Thank you all for your responses. I kind of felt like I was taking a step backwards when I should be moving forwards but it's good to know that it's not uncommon. Enna, I can't imaging losing 3 siblings. Of course, my sister and I didn't have any other siblings (it was just her and I) but I don't think I could go through this again. I have pictures of us at my mom's place, and my mind keeps picturing the group shot of us with my mom and stepfather. It's like those movies where they show people fading out, you know? Of the group of four, I have lost all the other 3 in the past 5 years and I am the only one left. While my mother and stepfather's passing were difficult (of course) you do expect at some point in your life to lose your parents (it's the natural order of things). I miss them terribly, but at least I had my sister who felt exactly the same way I did. I also knew one of us would go first of course, but didn't expect that to be for at least another 30 years... So much loss has made me completely paranoid. My husband had problems with his vision last month and it sent me into a complete panic attack until he had it checked (my mothers' cancer was discovered after it had already spread to her brain and interfered with her vision). Every twinge or ache I have I'm sure it's cancer, although logically I know it isn't and I don't want to turn into a hypocondriac (sp?). I'm sure I'm dealing with a great deal of anxiety (I'm on blood pressure meds and have anti anxiety medication which I hesitate to use due to its addicting nature). I just feel very lost right now. Regarding my brother in law, I know he is grieving deeply as well. He loved her to distraction and took great care of her right until the very end. I'm more upset with the neighbour...she was there (almost too much) towards the end with my sister helping and being there all the time and seems to have just slidden right in after she passed. I knew I would have to deal with my brother in law dating again eventually - he is still young and I certainly don't expect that he will alone forever, however him telling me this news just over two months after her passing, and then her coming over to his house about an hour after he told us and starting to suggest double dates made me want to run. I have tried inviting him out multiple times but he has declined the invitations. I told him that I know we all grieve differently and I was not judging him however I was concerned he was not making good decisions so soon in the grieving process (he has a 12 year old daughter it also effects) and while he is free to grieve as he wishes, it was far too soon for me to be able to deal with it. Like I said, I'm trying to be supportive, but also protective of my own feelings. Thank you all for listening, I really appreciate it.

I am rambling just to get something written and (hopefully) help my grieving process. It likely wont make much sense, so feel free to ignore I just wanted to get it out. My sister passed away just over four months ago. She was only 47. We were only 16 months apart and she was my best friend. I didn't need anyone else, we had each other. I have a couple of other friends but was happy knowing I had her and didn't feel the need to expand my social circle on meaningless acquaintances. We finished each others sentences, and knew every thought the other had. We were only NOT twins because we were born 16 months apart but our bond was just as strong. In the last five years we have dealt with the death of our stepfather, our mother, and my former brother in law. We got through it all because we had each other. How cruel that I lost her as well, 15 months after her diagnosis of cancer. I keep hoping that the good memories will come, all I keep getting are flashbacks of the time of her passing, it was not a peaceful death (at least it did not appear that way to me). She was asleep but I can't even begin to describe the last few hours (although if you are here I'm sure you know what I am taking about). We used to love boating, so I bought a boat and named it after her. I'm trying to fill the void that she has left by doing the things we loved to do together. No one seems interested and to be honest, nothing seems like it will be anywhere near as good without her. I can't imagine travelling without her, we had so many plans! Her husband is already dating the neighbour that helped take care of her. While I have nothing against her personally, I cannot begin to deal with my sister's husband as part of another couple and while I want to support him as well, I haven't been to his place since he told me (because she lives across the street and will likely come over). I spent the last few months hibernating. I'm slowly starting to emerge but it's been lately again that these images of her death and crying jags keep coming up. I don't know if it will ever be better.