sueangel

On 4/10/2022 at 5:27 PM, aluckyson said:

I'd like to start by saying that I appreciate anyone who may take the time to read or respond to this. I never imagined that I could feel this much pain and a place like this seems to be something that helps many people. It's a needed distraction and we all need to vent. I'm not really sure how to write this post out. It will be bits about my relationship with my mom, a big chunk about her last days, and I think I'll talk about my feelings with things at the end. I hope that it's coherent and not too much of a chore to read despite its length.

 

In the early morning of April 8th, 2022 I lost the smartest, the most reliable and most resourceful person I've ever known. I lost my roommate, my fellow Blue Jays baseball fan, my Jeopardy! opponent and my (relatively new) TV bingo partner. I lost my favourite person to talk to. I lost my rock. I lost my best friend. I lost my mom. She was the person I loved to take care of (her knees were terrible, she suffered from arthritis and getting up and down or even walking was a constant struggle,) cooked all of her meals for her, made her work lunches, did the shopping and cared for the house. I'd like to think that she'd also call me her best friend too. I would be honoured, truly, if she did. I wanted nothing more in the world than to keep this relationship up for many years to come, to be there as her loving son, as her friend. As I write this, I'll be 30 later this year and my mother passed away at 70. Her mind was as strong and as sharp as anyone half her age.

 

It happened quickly and seemingly out of the blue. She became sick around the end of February of this year but nothing seemed serious. There was a bit of time in the beginning of March where she was fatigued and dragging a little, but was pretty much okay. By mid-April she had to be admitted to the hospital for about a week due to being constantly short of breath, sometimes even when just sitting. She was diagnosed with pneumonia (something she had a few times in her life) and a blood clot in one of her lungs. She seemed like she was pretty well while she received care and then she returned home looking like she was on the road to recovery for a few days. Things then deteriorated and I had to call an ambulance one morning before sunrise to rush her to the hospital; this was the last time my mom would grace our home. I hate that the last time she was in the house she had to be taken out on a stretcher by a couple of strangers on a chilly morning. I was able to visit her at the hospital later that same day. She was in critical condition but she could speak to me as best as she could; I thought and hoped that maybe she had just come home too soon the first time and that if she had to stay a week or so and get professional care that it would simply be a little speed bump in regards to having her back to normal. This sadly wasn't the case as about a day and a half later I found myself only being allowed to visit and talk to her for half an hour while clad with a face shield, gloves and a gown before the doctors sedated her and put her on a ventilator.

 

I would never get to speak with her again as things never got better while she was in that state for about a week and a half. On the 7th of April, in the early afternoon I went to visit my mom, just as I did every other day. I sat and talked to her and she seemed pretty stable. As I left after about 90 minutes of visiting I knew that the attending nurse was doing some things to help stabilize her blood pressure which had dropped a little too low a minute or two prior to my leave. It wasn't terribly uncommon for these things to arise so I thought little of it. About two hours later at home I received a call. As I looked at the phone and saw that the caller ID showed that it was the hospital my heart sank. They told me that things were rapidly declining and that I should come back as soon as possible, which I did. Her poor lungs couldn't take much else. The pneumonia she was dealing with hadn't been helped much by any of the various medications and the blood clots couldn't really clear up because they had to stop giving her blood thinners due to her having a bleed in her stomach a few days prior.

 

We (my aunt and grandmother who live a few hours away but were able to be there with us) were told at around 9pm that at this point she really had no hope. We could do one of two things: we could choose to keep her in her current state (which wasn't sustainable) and things could drag on for a few days, or we could choose for her to be taken off of the ventilator until her body could no longer do things on its own. We chose the latter because suffering is the last thing she deserved. They told us it would probably be anywhere from a few minutes to a couple of hours until she'd be gone. The one thing I personally asked for was for her to make it to midnight/April 8th. As stated early in my post, we're massive Blue Jays fans and the 8th was their Opening Day game. We knew that should couldn't and she didn't make it to the start of the game (which she would have loved as at least one miracle happened for us that day) but I fully believe that she'd have understood why I asked for just a few more hours out of her even if it may seem silly to some.

 

They started the process of letting her body do all of the work on its own at around 1am. We all cried, talked to her and kissed her as she breathed with increasing difficulty and less frequency on her own. I put a phone to her ear a few times and played her the audio of a movie clip that we both love and couple of songs I know she loved. I went to her many times and talked to her in a whisper. I told her how proud I am of her, how I couldn't have asked for anything more from her than more time together. I told her not to be scared and that I understood she always did what she could do for me (which was honestly more than I should have asked from her). I told her that she was a great mom and a great friend. I told her how she was amazing at her job and that she's responsible for so many people being where they are. These were the easiest truths anyone has ever had to tell. I held her, my right arm draped across her stomach and my head on her chest telling her that it was okay to go. In that moment I did my best to comfort her like she did so often for me. I felt her last breath, I felt her leave. When they allowed us to come back in the room later to see her I asked to be the last one to leave. I've always been protective and territorial of her in a way and I needed to one last time, for better or worse. I could barely stop myself from going, finding any excuse to keep giving her kisses on the forehead accompanied by "I love you."

 

I don't know what to do without her. She was my world. She was so consistent. I have no siblings and very little in terms of immediate family (my aforementioned aunt and grandmother who I've never been particularly close with). We live somewhere kind of small and quiet and I have no friends; I can't say that I've had one in many years (which really hasn't bothered me much) outside of her and I'm not an outgoing person. I'm inheriting what my mother had and I'll be relatively secure in regards to a home and funds thanks to her. We're certainly nowhere approaching rich, but my mother was good with her money, responsible and was always looking out for me. I haven't worked in a very long time and I never finished college since it wasn't for me. I've long felt very guilty about not contributing financially. She was always my feeling of security and even in death she's acting dutifully. I don't know what to do. I have no direction. I'm not really an ambitious person. My life was dedicated to being there with and for her. I have so much to figure out and my rock is gone. It's lonely now, the silence is deafening, the thoughts in my mind are swirling and her absence is palpable. For so long, and she'd say the same, all we had was each other. Now I find myself without her. I feel good about my relationship with her; I regret that I didn't hug her more, that I didn't tell her how much I love her as often, that I didn't call her at her office a little more often just to ask about her day. It didn't need to be said and done, I know that she knew, but I do wish it had been said and done more. I'm not sure that I've gone more than a waking hour without breaking down. For close to a week before she died I began sleeping with this sweater/blanket (I'm not sure how to explain what it is) in my bed next to me and I don't know when I'll stop. On top of it all I feel incredible guilt because it feels like I'm making it all about myself.

 

People will say that it gets better. I'm sure that it will hurt less over time. Death isn't unique to my mom or I, but it hurts just as much. All I want is to be with her. If she could see me now I know that she'd be as heartbroken as I am. I have no idea what to do, where to begin or how to go on. It's crushing to think that I may have another 40-60 years to go without her.

I will remember your Mum in prayer now Susan in New Zealand

Thank you so so so very much Kaye

it is my friends funeral tomorrow ; the music is this 

thank you for letting me share

Thank you so much Kay C; that is most kind of you; thank you so very much 

I planted a lemon tree from her and am just going to say some prayers now

I will write more later 

Thank you Susan

Good afternoon everyone from Wellington New Zealand; I have just lost one of my best friends here  who was 95 years of age; she was a true delight; she was clever, witty kind  and unconditionally loving; She lived life to the full and she was a role model for me; I would love to share a picture of her here; May you rest in the deepest peace Eileen; I would love to post some of my favourite memories of Eileen in the days ahead; I have ordered a photo book so I can put all my top photos of her in the album; We have just planted a lemon tree today as she loved lemons; I am having a Catholic Mass said for her on Sunday; It feels very good to honour her this way. I want to cultivate the qualities she demonstrated of  love, patience, gentleness  and joy

I will write more tomorrow; thank you for letting me share ; my husband and I have joined a walk to raise money for cats as Eileen was passionate about cats; this feels good.

I would love to share; my Mum passed in January and in September I am having her gravestone blessed; my sister and family are not coming which upset me greatly but I have accepted their decision; the grave has my parents and my Aunt and Uncle in there; so this will be a blessing for them too; I will celebrate as fully as I can; has any one else had a gravestone blessed' i would love to hear

It is great for me to do as I live in New Zealand and the grave is in England; every good wish sue

Hello everyone from New Zealand;I hope you are well; I would love to ask if anyone can recommend an article or book on creating a memorial service ; my Mum died in January and I had a wonderful  Catholic mass; I am having a new gravestone done in September and the priest will bless the headstone; with a social afterwards;I am so excited I get to do this; can anyone reccommend any good reading; many thanks sue

Today I went to a special service for Harry  and Charlie; the priest was wonderful and we had coffee after; Harry and Charlie were mentioned quite a few times and their names were on the Catholic altar ; I love you Harry and Charlie and I know you are in heaven; I know you walk with we everywhere; love sue xx

Honouring my two friends Charlie and Harry

I am having a mass said for you on Saturday and I can't wait;I am so excited

Many thanks for letting me share

Susan

Thanks so much for letting me share this

Good afternoon everyone. Kia ora to our New Zealand friends and good day to our
Australian friends.  It is wonderful to see so many friends and relatives here.  As a
tribute to you mum I would love to talk about three areas of your life to give us a
flavour of how much joy and happiness you brought us all   
These 3 areas are prayer, resilience and love
Prayer was the bedrock of your life mum.  In the last few years you seemed almost
to pray non-stop. During my recent 3 months at Westwood I remember seeing you
grateful for every single thing.  You thanked God for your breakfast or lunch from the
staff, a visit from Sarah and Noah, a call from Paul and myself.  I remember you
asked me to call my friend Frances who read our first reading to take down her
words so you could put them on your wall next to your bed. These words were
Jesus mercy Mary help sacred heart of Jesus I place all my trust in thee. This was
certainly your mantra mum for the last 9 months of your life mum. 
Mum you sure were resilient when you applied to and were accepted into the Royal
navy's nursing arm the Queen Alexandra’s Royal naval nursing service. At the social
after this mass we have some glorious photos of you in your Royal navy nurses
uniform. You soon found yourself working in the Bighi royal naval hospital in Kalkara
Malta. This royal naval hospital looked after 250 patients serving the whole of the
Mediterranean and through it Malta became known as ‘The Nurse of the
Mediterranean“
Again you showed your resilience when you combined your nursing duties with the
best social life possible.  You were always being invited out to parties and the ships
dances when you were not on duty. Indeed it was at this time that you met your
Royal naval husband-to-be Petty officer Evan
The last topic I'd love to cover is love. You fell in love with a wonderful gentleman
called Evan, my dad. You met your husband to be whilst working at night at Bighi,
the royal naval hospital. You were both on the same ward and your courtship
flourished from there. 
You told me mum that you used to meet your husband-to-be after your shifts and
you loved to meet in the coffee houses dotted around Bighi hospital.  Within a
couple of years you married your royal marine husband in a perfect setting at the
chapel at the hospital. You had a honeymoon to remember for 2 weeks in Sicily
which you greatly enjoyed.  Later today at the social we will be toasting you mum
with one of your favourite drinks the finest Sicilian lemonade. You loved newly
married life in your royal naval apartments that came complete with a servant.
These were glorious days.  You both continued with your outstanding naval careers
until you returned home to Britain.
Back in England your love of things naval continued as you moved to the naval base
at Salisbury when you became a proud mum to a much loved daughter Sarah in
December 1966. Your husband then left the royal navy in 1967 so you could move 

back to civilian life in Chorley.  Your other daughter – me - came along in 1968 and
your family was complete.  

After your great career in the navy, you were keen to retain your skills and for over
20 odd years you worked at Fernbank Care Home where you looked after many
retired ladies and gentlemen.  You loved working nights and loved both your
colleagues who are here today and your patients.   
Last night in the middle of writing this eulogy I got a call from my closest female
friend Janette in Switzerland.  Janette said “Sue tell them about how your mum
loved every aspect of her life whilst living at Westwood and tell them she had a love
of life to the end.” Janette reminded me mum that she and you said a prayer that
you loved - the guardian Angel prayer. She sat with you whilst I nipped out to get
cream cakes and lemonade. Whilst I was out and you and Janette were alone mum
you laughed and said “has she really gone to get cream cakes?” Yes I certainly had
Mum.
I’m nearly at the end but I'd just love to share what you told me recently.  I asked
you what you were most grateful for after your husband had passed away and you
said you were most grateful for your daughters Sarah and myself, your sons in law
Andy and Paul and then your wonderful grandchildren. Next you said you were
grateful for prayer, your friends at Westwood and elsewhere, good company, good
coffee and being clean and tidy so Mum this pretty much sums up your life.
Finally I quote from you, days before you passed to heaven you said “Sue when the
time comes be calm. When the time comes celebrate the good times and be strong.
Drink some lemonade in memory of me”. So mum I promise to be good, be calm, be
loving and be happy. I will always remember your words and promise to live this
every day. 
Sarah and I would love to invite you to St Marys to celebrate with us and to share
our memories. 
St Mary’s social is just off Devonshire rd. There is plenty of parking.

many thanks for letting me share

Thank you so very much kayc; so good to have your views and welcome

Thank you for this wonderful site; My Mum passed on January 7th in England and I was with her ( I live in New Zealand) ; I spent three months with her last year; I just want to celebrate. I am going back to England to celebrate her life and bless her new headstone in September; meanwhile I am celebrating her life by spending time with my wonderful husband and enjoying each day. 

  This was my Mum's favourite music in her last days; I love you Mum; I hope everyone is well; this site is just magic; I will be in touch soon

Susan