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Everything posted by Anappa

  1. My goodness, I just spent a half hour reading the excerpt of this book in the description on Amazon. That book too, is on its way - what an excellent suggestion, thank you. While I am not an unreligious person by any means, I am firmly rooted in a concrete foundation of reality, logic and reason (this is the way god made me, one would say) and it certainly creates a difficult dynamic in which to find comfort or closure particularly, which appears to be both shared by and addressed extremely directly by Kushner. I’m very much looking forward to reading these books. If there are any oth
  2. Kayc and MartyT, thank you both for your responses, you have both helped tremendously this year with your replies and articles (I read them all as you suggest them). I know reading all these posts and responding to them takes quite a bit of time and I think it’s important to both recognize that and thank you for it, it really is very appreciated and has truly been helpful. I have not read the book you suggested MartyT, but I just purchased it and will begin reading it upon its arrival. From what I can tell, it was a fantastic and very applicable suggestion and I’m looking forward
  3. It’s been nearly a year since Abby passed.. the year following truly the worst of my life (by far). I miss her terribly, it’s just not the same and I just don’t have it in me to consider adopting a puppy despite the continued pressure from my wife. It just feels like betrayal of the highest order. 2019-2020 has seen the loss of Abby, the sudden death of my sister, the suicide of an uncle and the covid pandemic. I’ve gone from a situation of relative calm to what feels like living some sort of twisted nightmare and all the things I would do, places I would go and people I would be
  4. We all have a larger impact on the people around us than what we realize. Being the recipient of someone who has acted on such urges, I can tell you that my life will never be right again and I’m far from the only one just over that one single decision. That’s hardly a legacy any of us, all so capable of love and care would want for ourselves and a burden I know we wouldn’t want for the people we love or even just know. The days ahead will be hard and they will continue to be, they remain so for myself and for Kayc but remember where you were before Coco and let him be a reminder of the bea
  5. I’m so sorry it took so long to respond to this. Unfortunately I can completely relate to your position and while I genuinely wish I could tell you it will get better soon, I must tell you it will probably not. In the last year I have lost my most beloved friend (Abby) and I feel for her every single day by my left side in bed and every day that she isnt there I cry as I remember the horrific passing she had. In the time since, my only sibling has passed and an uncle has committed suicide. I wish I were making any of this up (truly), but it’s the actual truth and it’s a complete nightmare.
  6. Thanks Kayc, your support is appreciated more than I can express. My 30s have proven to be ... challenging to say the least. Here’s to hoping they finish out better than they started.
  7. Nearly 5 months since Abby passed and I couldn’t even finish grieving before tragedy struck again. My sister, just 34 years old died suddenly on March 8th, the whole family is just utterly destroyed. Add the coronavirus and the lockdowns in place and honestly, I’ve had more than I can bear. My parents are with me presently and I’m thankful for that, we’re all doing the best we can but my god, just when you think the going is rough, life makes darn sure you know it can always get worse. I am both informed of the previous, afraid and emotionally numb. I miss my puppy and my sister. I can’t
  8. @Connor'sMom I’m very sorry to hear about Connor, what a beautiful puppy he was. Routine is truly a gigantic source of pain as it relates to coming to terms with losing such a special part of the family. For me, I dearly miss that routine, every single thing I did throughout the course of the day had a plan for Abby and while that part is getting easier as I adjust to my new routine at least, the struggle very much continues. Shopping is for me as well quite a difficult process. There was always something on the list for her and part of my shopping routine included walking d
  9. After months of thought, I’ve come to realize something beautiful I thought I would share. Tonight is no different from any other night - once work is done, the kids are asleep and my wife says goodnight, I miss my little girl and usually cry for a while, but I have to take a moment to appreciate the true love she had for me and understand what she did on her last day and it’s really quite amazing. From between 4am-5am on that horrible day, I initially thought she was just overheated. After realizing this wasn't the case I held her until I could get her to our vet but the reality is that he
  10. I keep Abby’s tag on my keychain as well. I think there is some comforting symbolism there - maybe that they’re still with us. Abby’s tag is made from aluminum, anodized blue and over the years, she wore it down so it’s silver and rolled on the sides and to me, it means quite a lot to have that with me all day.
  11. I worry that we will defensively prohibit ourselves from becoming this attached again because we know “that day” is coming even if subconsciously. I have adamantly said “no” to another dog and my wife has talked about it a number of times - I just ... can’t and I don’t even think it would be fair to the dog given my current state. I know you and I share extremely similar pain on this so it is encouraging to me to hear that you’ve found love for another puppy and believe me, I understand so very well when you say that this one can not replace Arlie. I hope to get there one day, but rig
  12. Thank you, I truly appreciate that. It has been helpful for me to share this experience, this pain, loss and grief - I’m 35 and I had Abby from your age.. such .. turbulent and delicate years and she was there, always with love for me as I had for her. Love your pets every second you can because I regret to inform you that the clock is very much ticking. There is truly not enough time. Also, very much a pet dad here - lol, blame the emotional surges on my Italian heritage. When we love, we really love and my god does it hurt.
  13. A friend asked me for a picture I took 5 or 6 years ago tonight and I couldn’t find it.. not because I don’t have it - I do.. but because seeing these images just crushed me all over again. All I can think is how long it’s been since Arlie passed, Kay, and I have to tell you, it’s not any better for me either. I don’t think I’ll ever move on from this. Being upset and grieving in general is becoming the norm and I suppose that’s just life balancing itself out. (Happy for 10 minutes? Sad for 10 minutes as well.) and boy was I HAPPY when she was here. It was all I could do to wear a h
  14. Today marks one month. What a terrible period of time - I think the worst part for me is that I spent 11 years protecting her from everything I could and that I truly believe she still exists (spiritually, maybe even physically in another form) and I can’t be there to continue doing so. Perhaps I’m simply consumed with my responsibility to care for her, but is that not truly what love is at its most basic fundamentals? Anyway, I came across this song recently and it really hits home so I thought I’d share it - I think when I can play it start to finish without holding back the tears, I’
  15. My wife actually just ordered something similar to that, great suggestion. Until that arrives, I have a marble slate with one of my favorite pictures I rendered and engraved with a laser engraving machine in my shop on the tree directly in front of her. Her nickname on the bottom came from a little joke revolving around some name play on her and my cats name. Since she was always the dominant one of the two and his name is Pickle, I called her “the Brain” (Pickle and the Brain playing on Pinky and the Brain) and it stuck, perfect for her personality. She was a little nugget.
  16. 3 weeks today. That’s a week longer than I ever had to be away from her and my goodness do I miss her. I made exactly one decision throughout this nightmare with absolutely no regard to any opinion other than my own - my wife and her entire family wanted and pushed for cremation and I just couldn’t have it.. I brought her home and in a race against time and with the last warmth leaving her body(a big problem for me for some reason), I found the most beautiful place on my property and dug a hole I could barely climb out of (for fear of foxes mostly) and kissed her sweet face for the
  17. Canine soulmate. That sums it up nearly perfectly. I used to ask her regularly, particularly when I knew she was starting to decline to make sure whatever it is that makes a life personal, in my case I called it “our energy” (some would call it a soul, etc) to make sure that her energy finds mine when I leave this place, that I think explains my hope and I think my greatest ability to cope with her loss. That said, even though I am hopeful beyond expression, I don’t know it for sure, so round and round I go on the yin and yang train of grief and hope. There is truly nothing worse than a lo
  18. That’s really quite an elegant way of looking at it. A simple notion but profound to me nonetheless. I have to say, there was even premature stress on my end while she was alive and healthy - considering your point, I think that rolls right into the equation. I knew the day would come and that her day would be before mine and I worried about it, for years. This little girl was special. I’d had cats and dogs before as a child and adult, I was always fond of them all and loved them, but this one ... it’s so much different. There was such a rare, special type of bond/love between us, dare I
  19. So very true and pain it is indeed unfortunately. I honestly cannot imagine how I won’t feel the same in 4 months either, 4 years, it won’t matter, I’m beginning to consider the likelihood that a piece of our hearts will remain broken. Perhaps there is some beauty to be found in that, I hope to find it one day. I truly hope you are able to find peace and happiness with Arlie’s passing. It is okay to cry, I fully and entirely agree and believe me, I have, quite a bit actually. It’s a rather difficult and ridiculous situation if you think about it (expectations
  20. 11 years. It feels like just a minute and that minute wasn’t even close to long enough. I visit her 2, 3, 4, 5 times a day and just talk, even though I know she can’t hear me. Even if she could, 4 feet of dirt would be quite the pair of earplugs - my logical mind is just whittling down my heart at this point. I miss her, so, so much. I cannot stop reliving the moment they brought her to me, lifeless and as long as I live, I can never “unfeel” that moment and it is truly one of my worst. All positive hopes forward and truly, I mean them all (she’s not in pain, she’s happy, not thirsty eve
  21. Here is my sweet little girl.
  22. I’d like to thank you for your sensitive, insightful and helpful response and for sharing your story about Arlie with me. Please know that it was really very helpful and I truly appreciate the time you took to write it. I am so very sorry for your loss - I too am struggling with many of the same things you mentioned, a glance over to her favorite spot on the couch and she isn’t there or just this evening when one of my children dropped a plate of food on the floor - my response being to jump up to beat Abby to it so she couldn’t eat it all (she had a mild weight issue that we managed careful
  23. I have in my years searched and read hundreds if not thousands of posts to forums, but never once have I ever posted until tonight. My beloved mini dachshund, Abby passed just two days ago and I’m struggling harder than I have ever with anything in my life. For 11 years, she was my best friend, my companion and it was a privilege to have her in my life. I couldn’t even walk past her no matter what the case without getting down on my knees to give her a kiss on her sweet little face, or pick her up to sing to her all the goofy little songs I created just for her. She was my best friend and
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