Eiffel_Tower

Kayc- I appreciate the comments. I just feel the need to protect and take care of my family, that's all. My marriage had been on cruise control before all of this happened; I had a part in that of course and have been trying to rectify my mistakes. My wife isn't the most affectionate person and has trouble expressing how she feels and shows love on deeper levels, even with the kids. I just thought maybe this would be the catalyst to pull us closer and that we would have some moments of grieving together, that's all. But I may just be asking too much from her. Not sure about roles in this situation. Kind of goes out the window in some respect and in how we react and what we need (or not need) from our relationships--when we do grieve. Just maybe the nature of the events that can divide us, that's all. Thanks for your time.

Kayc- Thanks for the links, very helpful. I guess maybe I had too high of expectation on how my wife and I were going to 'heal' together. Honestly, I thought we'd take care of each other in this instance, but it really looks like she doesn't need me for that or wants to give it. So, for me that's hard and I don't know how I feel about all of it. Should I hold it against her for not wanting to talk about our situation, while at the same time minimizing my feelings, or do I just chalk this up, to well that's how she grieves and leave it at that? 'Cause I have to tell you, it leaves quite the void between us, at least for me. How she feels about it? it's uncertain and she certainly won't say anything or talk to me; so we aren't calibrated. It puts me in quite the bind and when we are so far apart on things, it's hard to strike the balance between what I need and what she needs. Welcome to marriage, right? Anyways, thanks for all the feed back, much appreciated!

Kayc Thanks for the responses. You are correct, we all have our way of dealing with things. I totally understand that. When I lost my father, it was hit or miss as to how I wanted to talk about it. The challenge with losing a child, is that it's a shared experience, right? I mean everything else was shared. Preparing for the arrival of our child, pregnancy and of course conception. So I have an issue with not sharing in the grief, as well. Trying to celebrate what little life he may have had or won't have. It's a very abstract feeling. And you are correct, things like this either tear us apart or bring us together. Sometimes it's just hard to come to grips with the former on that. it's hard to not only lose my son, but slowly watching my marriage erode is almost as painful. I truly wish I could help her in some ways, but sometimes, I guess for reasons unknown, our closest loved ones don't want help. My counselor has suggested trying to connect in other ways, but looking back, our dynamic had been on cruise control for so long--so it's definitely a big hill to climb on this one. Thanks for all the resources, I find that anything I look through has some resonance and I try to take what I can from each thing I read through. As for being a realist, I understand completely, but this one has shook me to the core and has honestly broken me. I try and go about my daily life, but sometimes it just catches me as to what we lost and it doesn't seem real sometimes. I try to focus on my other kids and try to be as compassionate as possible, since they too lost something. Life is never easy, but I never thought it would be this hard. Thanks for listening!

Marty, thanks for the reply! Yes! I have read Mr. Farley's book! It has definitely helped me understand my own process. I have also read countless other books: "it's ok, that you're not ok" By Megan Devine; "A Grief Observed" By C.S. Lewis.....to name a few. I've scoured the web and read blogs. Plus with the help of my counselor I am really starting to understand MY grief. Connecting with all these books and other such people who have gone through the same thing, while all comforting in it's own right; but what escapes me is the one person that I want to connect with: my wife. It's really been 2 long years of gently trying to connect and talk with her about our experience. I guess my feeling, is that she doesn't like to talk about it, even though she claims that she's 'healed' and that very well may be and I can somewhat respect that. But the only way to find a connection, IS to talk about it. This 'division' if you will, has really hampered our marriage and intimacy. I find it hard to share with her now how I feel and what I feel. I have been turned away so many times, that it has started to become emotionally exhausting to try and reach her on this subject, amongst other emotional things that happen in our daily lives. Once the covid fiasco is over I plan to join a local compassionate friends group to continue to help with my journey of healing. Thanks for listening.

I know this thread is somewhat old, but I am trying to come to grasp with the distance in my marriage concerning our grief. Almost 2.5 years ago we lost our son, stillborn. While, at the same time, almost losing my wife during the birth. The first 3 months or so I was in significant shock and really not much use to anyone, including myself. I still went to work and tried to carry on as normal. But after about 6 months or so I was starting to finally realize as to what we had lost and expressing some real feelings of loneliness and emptiness to my wife. She pretty much dismissed my feelings and told me that she was pretty much healed and didn't feel that way at all. I asked that "didn't you need me for anything, any support?" She point blankly told me no, she didn't need me for her grief or support. I have continually asked for more support only to be stonewalled and to have my feelings invalidated, while still trying to offer anything for her. I have been to counseling and it has helped somewhat. We have 2 younger children and my focus has been in taking care of them. But I feel that my marriage has taken an almost hollow feeling and I find it very difficult to connect on anything with my wife concerning our son's death. I know some may be saying that the writing is on the wall, so to speak, but I find it difficult to come to grips as to how shut-out I feel by her. I know grief is very personal and we each have to make our own journey. But I don't have anyone else for support and she is the only other person that knows what it's like to lose our son. She has refused to go to counseling and tells me to look for joy in life, rather than the dark-side. I understand, but I feel if we can't connect on some level, that it may be a rift that resides in our relationship forever. at least for me. If anyone has any thoughts they could contribute I would be most grateful.

Hello all, new to this forum, but been lurking here for a few days and I am hoping that I can get some positive feedback. We lost our son just over a year ago, stillborn at 38 weeks. A year prior to that we had a miscarriage. On the eve of our son's birthday the wife and I had a long talk, really about everything in our relationship. As I feel we have been on cruise control the last 7-8 years and our emotional and physical intimacy has really taken a back seat with raising our other 2 children. We do have a tough time communicating on any real issues and it can turn into a defensive battle; instead of a constructive conversation sometimes. Anyway, come to find out in the midst of that conversation my wife point blankly said that she didn't need me for any emotional support or in her grief. I was taken aback and honestly hurt by that comment. My wife is a strong women, and when her father passed away about 6 years ago she really didn't grieve much; at least in front of me. I understand that grieving is a private process and I respect that we all grieve differently, but in a marriage we should at least be able to come back to each other once in a while to lean on each other; especially in this situation since no one else really knows what we are going through. I personally don't have anyone else to count on in terms of support. I have my mother and one other close friend, but they both offer limited help; as much as I appreciate it. I am currently in counseling and that has helped somewhat. I am curious, though if anyone has had any experience with their significant other being so emotionally withdrawn from them given the situation. I understand that bringing things up can be upsetting, but my wife pushes to be happy and has been trying to get life back to "normal" I understand the desire to get things back to "normal" but my thought is that things have changed and that our "normal" is now different. I assume she may be in denial. She has agreed to go to counseling, but only in support of me; not for herself or for us as a couple. As she feels she does not need it. Please any advice to help hurdle this wall. I feel so distant, more than ever, from my wife and I feel like if we can't weather this storm together, that it may cause a permanent rift in our relationship. The last thing I want is divorce or separation, mainly for our kids, but I feel like I am at my wits end here. Thanks for any and all who read this.