Hello all,
This is my first post to this forum. Nearly one year ago I lost my delightful, witty, very sensitive and intelligent soul mate. I was shattered by his death, and am still seriously grieving him one year later.
We knew each other for 25 years, professionally. We were both married, with kids, and lived on different continents. We caught up roughly every 3 or so years at the big international conferences, and did not communicate in between. Two years ago he informed me via email that he was terminally ill. I went all in: Emails, texts, and deep chats, multiple times a day. We fell in love. We met in person twice during his last year. Held hands and kissed, but nothing more.
I was proactive. I made sure to get from him the names and emails of people close to him who I could (and did) contact when he went silent.
Our spouses knew about our friendship, but did not consider either of us a threat. Neither partner was aware of how intense our relationship really got in the final months. I met his wife and kids once before he died, and have since maintained friendly, infrequent contact with them.
My essential issue is that I am still grieving hard at the one year mark. Experts would probably call this complicated, or disenfranchised grief. But I am so much luckier than most people coping with cybergrief, if what I read in the heartbreaking thread initiated by Finch is any example. (Does anybody know what became of him?). After all, I met my friend face to face; we maintained electronic contact right up to his last 12 hours; we exchanged “I love you’’s the day before; his wife described to me his relatively “good” death, and his moving, dignified funeral. I was even able to visit his grave 9 months later. Our professional community honored him with a tribute session at a recent conference. So, lots of opportunities for closure. What more could a cyberfriend ask for?
And yet. I still feel broken up inside, I shed tears nearly every day, and rage at the injustice of his fate. For the first few months my siblings and friends were wonderful, responsive, and great listeners. But I can tell that they feel I should be getting over it by now. So, it’s down to just me and my therapist, though I have never found my appointments with her very helpful.
I try to shake off my self-involvement, and do things that are physically and mentally beneficial. I read, I take an exercise class every day, I spend time outdoors, I have several social groups that I engage with regularly. I work full time in a demanding, high-level job. I play music as a hobby, I travel for both business and pleasure, and I spend a lot of my free time visiting elderly relatives. I have done some journaling, and written a few short vignettes, one of which I think is good enough to submit to the New York Times as a tiny love story. But, my friends have discouraged this move, saying that his family or mine might see it and be hurt by it, even though the content is quite neutral.
So, can somebody please tell me what else I can do to make this terrible pain go away, or at least diminish? Thank you for reading.
