razorclam

Ah, kayc, so sorry this happened to you. A contractor working on our property mowed down a tree peony that my husband cultivated. Hate it when that happens.

The weekend after my soul mate died (5 years ago) my husband and I planted a lilac bush, and dedicated it to his memory. Unfortunately the spot we chose was too shady, and despite growing tall and strong, the plant never bloomed. A few days ago I got an unwelcome diagnosis at my annual physical. Not catastrophic, manageable, but still a sobering development. But as I always do at times like these, I think of my friend, and tell myself that if a problem has a solution, or at least a management strategy, then it's not a problem. And now today, 5 years since his death, the lilac bloomed, for the very first time. It looks like this is the only flower we will get from it this year. It was as if my friend were speaking to me saying, "Stay strong, baby".

That is a great graphic. It really nails it. Thank you for sharing this.

Ah AnnJ, that is very thoughtful of you. For anyone not following my "Brief Connection" thread in the "Behaviors in Bereavement" section, my late friend's brother contacted me last April after ghosting me in May 2020, to apologize and asked to reconnect. In a series of preternatural developments, within days of resuming our correspondence I was invited to a conference in his city (overseas). The venue, a research institute outside the city limits, turned out to be practically in the backyard of their childhood home, where the two of them as boys had ridden their dirt bikes on the (unbuilt) campus. Our in-person meeting was a complete success, and left us both in a much more healed state. His brother shared family stories and photos, and was grateful to have the perspective I provided on my friend's last year. Most importantly, I learned that he died much earlier on his last day that I had thought. His wife's messages conveyed the impression that the death occurred in the evening, but in fact it happened in the very early morning. The timing is significant, because I was tormented for 3 years by the assumption that my friend had been alive but uncommunicative by choice for the entirety of his last day. Many of my previous posts on this thread have agonized over this...why did he shut me out on his last day, etc...so it was a relief to shed all that angst. We parted warmly, and have not been in contact since I returned home. But I think I am on a healing path, finally, because I am not alone anymore.

Dear Sad, I read your message with a heavy heart, and sad memories, as it is very similar to the one I got from my soul mate 4.5 years ago. I am so very happy that you reunited with your family, and that the connection to your loved ones will provide you with a life force. Razorclam

James, Beatles and Rolling Stones are not lowbrow. Neither is rock as a genre. Some of the works of Pink Floyd and Led Zeppelin are symphonic quality. I am sure you know there is a wide continuum of classical music. If you are not into Baroque (Bach), Classical (Mozart), or Romantic (Beethoven), perhaps you might find some of the post-Romantic composers (e. g, Prokofiev) more appealing, with their edgier sounds. Also, the Impressionistic composers (Debussy, Satie) are wonderfully ethereal and discordant.

Dear Sad, Could it be that your loved ones care about you very much, but don't know what to say? Or are afraid of saying the wrong thing, so they just keep quiet, and wait for you to reach out to them? And assume that if they don't hear from you, then you're doing fine? There are lots of ways to rationalize avoidance.

Maybe offer to walk the next door neighbor's dogs? Sound like they could use it.

Dear Sad_Widower, You are doing exactly what the complicated grief experts advise (bold lettering mine): "Robert Neimeyer, professor emeritus of psychology at the University of Memphis, director of the Portland Institute for Loss and Transition and co-editor of “Grief and Bereavement in Contemporary Society,” finds that the most important goals of complicated grief therapy are to develop a narrative of what happened, to revise and re-create one’s relationship with the loved one, and to reinvent oneself. “After loss, we need to reconstruct life meaning and find a way to reinvest in living,” he said." I envy you your adventure. I want to return to the country where I was raised (not born there, but have always identified with that culture). It will have to wait a couple of more years, and probably my husband will not follow me there full time, but I will get back there even if I have to swim the distance.

"Do one thing every day that scares you".

Well...I recently had a string of occurrences that were impossibly coincidental. My soul mate was European. Days after his third deathaversary, I received a message from his brother, who had ghosted me two years ago after a brief period of correspondence. We resumed our electronic contact, articulating the hope of meeting in person someday. Days later, I received, and accepted, an invitation to speak at a conference in his city. The venue turned out to be literally in the back yard of their childhood home (open space in their youth, that was built up in their young adult years). So, alot going on there...we joked that my soul mate, his brother, was keeping busy in the otherworld.

I find your posts to be very articulate, thoughtful and heartfelt. You have made a difference in my life.

Thanks to everybody for sending caring thoughts my way.

I never imagined I would be writing the sequel. Three days ago I received a message my friend's brother, apologizing for checking out so abruptly two years ago. Said he appreciated the contact, but was overwhelmed and backed away, and is now readier to engage. I don't think it will be easy, some minefields have already reared their heads, but he clearly understood that we have the ability to help each other grieve. It was nice getting confirmation that I did not do or say anything wrong in my messaging two years ago- as the saying goes, it wasn't me, it was him.