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razorclam

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About razorclam

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    New Visitor

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    Friend
  • Date of Death
    April 2 2019
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    NA

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Silver Spring MD

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  1. Who knows...According to my insurance website and Psychology Today, "loss", and "transition" are supposed to be among her specialties. I can't tell if the interaction with is so-so because she doesn't ask or say the right stuff, or whether I just don't see her often enough. We both seem to travel a lot, so the frequency of our meetings on average is once every two weeks. She is the second therapist I have worked with in the last year, and I am more satisfied with her than therapist number 1. That's something...
  2. Thank you. It's good to know that someone understands. His last weekend, they were just starting to bloom, and I texted to him that I would send him a photo in about a week, when they were at peak flowering. He replied "Send now", and I did. Three days later he was gone. I used to love the cherry blossoms, like everyone else. Maybe someday I will, again. Another goal...
  3. Thanks to those who responded. One thing is becoming clear: I seem to be in this grieving scene for the long haul. Now that my friend’s first deathaversary is approaching, the stomach churning, lump-in-the-throat physical symptoms seem to be roaring back, not that they ever totally disappeared. I keep thinking about how brave he was. He faced down his catastrophe with amazing grace and courage, a real inspiration. I told him that many times, and thanked him for enduring his brutal chemotherapy, so he could remain here for all of us who loved him. I think that my focus needs to be setting some goals with my therapist. So far I have just been talking to her, but I don't feel like that is moving me much forward. I am not suicidal, I do not have anxiety attacks, and I am not looking for any drug therapy. I just want to get to a point where my friend becomes a shining, tender memory. Of course, that may be an unrealistic goal. The cherry blossoms are coming out now. Last year, when he died, they were at peak flowering. I hate them.
  4. Thank you Kayc. Good insights, and excellent suggestions. Some comments: I did look for a support group, but could not find anything appropriate. I did not feel comfortable with the idea of a widow's group, and the only alternatives were groups for sibling loss, and survivors of suicides. Agree with you 100% about the rewards of volunteering. I am brushing up on my musical repertoire, with the goal of playing my harp at my relative's assisted living center.
  5. Hello all, This is my first post to this forum. Nearly one year ago I lost my delightful, witty, very sensitive and intelligent soul mate. I was shattered by his death, and am still seriously grieving him one year later. We knew each other for 25 years, professionally. We were both married, with kids, and lived on different continents. We caught up roughly every 3 or so years at the big international conferences, and did not communicate in between. Two years ago he informed me via email that he was terminally ill. I went all in: Emails, texts, and deep chats, multiple times a day. We fell in love. We met in person twice during his last year. Held hands and kissed, but nothing more. I was proactive. I made sure to get from him the names and emails of people close to him who I could (and did) contact when he went silent. Our spouses knew about our friendship, but did not consider either of us a threat. Neither partner was aware of how intense our relationship really got in the final months. I met his wife and kids once before he died, and have since maintained friendly, infrequent contact with them. My essential issue is that I am still grieving hard at the one year mark. Experts would probably call this complicated, or disenfranchised grief. But I am so much luckier than most people coping with cybergrief, if what I read in the heartbreaking thread initiated by Finch is any example. (Does anybody know what became of him?). After all, I met my friend face to face; we maintained electronic contact right up to his last 12 hours; we exchanged “I love you’’s the day before; his wife described to me his relatively “good” death, and his moving, dignified funeral. I was even able to visit his grave 9 months later. Our professional community honored him with a tribute session at a recent conference. So, lots of opportunities for closure. What more could a cyberfriend ask for? And yet. I still feel broken up inside, I shed tears nearly every day, and rage at the injustice of his fate. For the first few months my siblings and friends were wonderful, responsive, and great listeners. But I can tell that they feel I should be getting over it by now. So, it’s down to just me and my therapist, though I have never found my appointments with her very helpful. I try to shake off my self-involvement, and do things that are physically and mentally beneficial. I read, I take an exercise class every day, I spend time outdoors, I have several social groups that I engage with regularly. I work full time in a demanding, high-level job. I play music as a hobby, I travel for both business and pleasure, and I spend a lot of my free time visiting elderly relatives. I have done some journaling, and written a few short vignettes, one of which I think is good enough to submit to the New York Times as a tiny love story. But, my friends have discouraged this move, saying that his family or mine might see it and be hurt by it, even though the content is quite neutral. So, can somebody please tell me what else I can do to make this terrible pain go away, or at least diminish? Thank you for reading.
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