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About razorclam

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    Advanced Member

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  • Your relationship to the individual who died
  • Date of Death
    April 2 2019
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:

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  • Location (city, state)
    Silver Spring MD

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  1. Dear AnnJ, Thank you for your post, and your encouragement. Sending a big virtual hug to you too! It appears that our situations have many common elements, and the opportunity to share is perhaps the clearest pathway to healing. I can't say how much I appreciate this site that has connected me to so many compassionate and understanding people.
  2. Today marks two years since the death of my soul mate, and I have made only marginal progress in moving on. The only positive thing to report is I am feeling less sorry for myself, and better for him because of his relatively good death. It was swift (heart attack), and he was at home, surrounded by family, his cognition and dignity intact, one step ahead of the cancer end staging curve. No hospital. No drugs. No life support. No morphine drip. No DNR dilemma. He always said he was not afraid of dying, only of suffering. Well, his wife said he did not suffer in his last moments. I, howeve
  3. “There all the time without you: and ever shall be, world without end.” (James Joyce)
  4. My late uncle, who was an eminent architect, took up coloring intricate patterns after losing his wife (my aunt). He got alot of comfort out of it.
  5. In a month heavy with memories of my late friend (his birthday, our last meeting in person) I challenged myself to write a 100-word vignette. The tone of his email was optimistic, despite the grim news it contained. “If you come to Europe, let me know. It would be good to see you.” The evening of my visit to his country coincided with a lunar eclipse, that was obscured by the cityscape. The universe gifted us another occurrence six months later. We viewed the blood supermoon apart, together: After midnight in my time zone, before dawn in his. As the redness crept along the disk, the
  6. Separation BY W. S. MERWIN Your absence has gone through me Like thread through a needle. Everything I do is stitched with its color.
  7. I hope this gives you some comfort. After all, lighting a candle is one of the way that we remember our loved ones. Last year, the final night of Hanukkah coincided with my late friend's birthday. I realized it when I saw all 8 candles lit, it was overwhelming.
  8. I feel like the Hanna character in The English Patient, who says "I am in love with ghosts".
  9. His eyes. Dark, deep soulful, but always with a sparkle. He was a great listener. Whenever we talked, he always wanted to know what I felt. He was incredibly brave, and maintained his grace and good humor, no matter how bad things got.
  10. Yes, that was my thinking too, even though I knew exactly how this connection would end. I would do it all over again. As the recent Nobel laureate Louise Gluck wrote, “Why love what you will lose?/ There is nothing else to love”.
  11. Thank you. I usually feel better after I have checked in here, despite all the sadness.
  12. My soul mate and I met through a big international work project. He was on the European team, so I only saw him once or twice a year. He was very bright and charismatic, but I was buried under juggling work, marriage and kids, so just as well that there was no spark. About 15 years after our first meeting, we learned that we had both spent parts of our childhood in the Middle East. Different countries, different cultures, but we bonded instantly over the experience of having dual Anglo-Mediterranean identities. From that point on we were personal friends, and made time for catching up at the c
  13. It's been 1.5 years since I lost my soul mate, and I think of him whenever my mind is not otherwise occupied (as in working, socializing, reading, etc.) I truly feel like nobody else in the world is mourning him as much as I am. His family members all have each other, with whom they work through their grief. I have had some infrequent contact with them, and I always feel better after that. But it does not appear that more regular communication with them is in the cards. Some of his (male) friends were in contact with me shortly after he died, but none of them responded to my follow-up emails.
  14. I was never a caregiver, so I can't relate to all aspects of your situation. But I say no, it is not wrong to think this way. My friend, who managed his cancer with grace and courage, was not afraid to die, but he was afraid of pain, and the loss of cognition that would accompany the inevitable morphine drip. He contemplated assisted suicide, but his wife wouldn't hear of it. In the end he died instantly, of a heart attack, before reaching the end staging. As shattering as the loss was, its swiftness and (I was told) relative painlessness were one of the few comforting elements of his story. Y
  15. Lucid, insightful, and articulate -as usual. Always a pleasure to hear from Kieron.
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