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razorclam

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About razorclam

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    Friend
  • Date of Death
    April 2 2019
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    NA

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Silver Spring MD

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  1. You have really said it. What amazed me was that I could love so much, at this age. I thought that was over, that I would never feel that way again, except for my kids.
  2. Dear Kieron, Thank you so much for your description of withdrawal. One thing that tormented me was that my friend never went online the day he died. He had communicated fairly normally the day before, though commented that he was feeling very poorly, and drifting in and out of sleep. Still, he sent me the usual goodnight message at 11:30 PM his time (9 time zones ahead of mine). Then he went silent forever. HIs wife told me that he died in the evening hours, so he was alive most of his last day, but opted not to communicate with his friends. For a long time I was, very selfishly, angry at
  3. Hello ladies, Last week Gail Sheehy, author of "Passages", died. I remember seeing the book on my parent's bookshelf in the 70's, but did not read it then. "Passages" is about the "predictable crises in adult lives". I read it last week, and although there are some dated elements, I found it remarkably forward thinking, almost timeless. Gail has this to say about the male personality type she calls a "transient" (in today's parlance, a commitmentphobe) (Bold italics mine). There seem to be elements of this in many posts I have seen about the grieving boyfriend who cuts loose. "
  4. Ummm....the advice I was referring to was not drinking, it was writing letters to the deceased.
  5. I have seen this advice on several mourning sites. I am glad it worked for you, though for myself, I have not found it very satisfying. One thing I have done it to create and write down imaginary dialogues with people close to him, who I have considered contacting. I followed through in one case, and I think that the prep helped.
  6. I communicated with my friend on WhatsApp, and every two weeks or so I backed up our chat transcripts. In the end, the final version is over 500 single-spaced pages. It surprised me how comforting it is to read this, it's like hearing him in my head. I also started an online scrapbook, of all the communiques between me and my friends after his death, but that's not as much fun.
  7. Tamera, I hope you don't cut yourself off from your friends.They may feel awkward initiating contact, so maybe reach out to them?
  8. Dear Tamera, We never know why bad things happen to good people such as yourself and Richard. This won't diminish your longing -but does it count for anything that he was hiking in the mountains, in God's country, doing what he loved? And although this makes it harder for the survivors, there is something very dignified about dying when still young, beautiful, at the height of one's powers, without having to suffer the indignation of a long decline in independence and cognition. My biggest losses in the last year -my friend/colleague at age 58 to cancer, and my father, at age 93 - ill
  9. Fascinating to follow this thread. I, too, am dealing with the fallout of a transcendent emotional affair that was both spawned, and truncated by his cancer. Somewhere Erich Segal wrote (not in Love Story) “I began to believe that we were the playthings of a cruel destiny that brought us together only to cause us the greater pain of tearing us apart”. Cheap, sentimental prose that just about sums it up. It is such an irony that the illness that killed him is also what gave him to me. We had known each other for many, many years, but because of our physical distance, we did not communicate re
  10. Tamera, I loved reading about your journey to the place on the trail where he died, and placing flowers there. That sounds wonderful, and took a great deal of courage. My friend who died last year lived in Europe, I live in the US. I visited his country last winter, and his wife took me to his gravesite. (We were fortunate that our spouses were very understanding and tolerant of our friendship.) I am Jewish (he was not), and in accordance with our customs I wanted to leave stones on his grave. His wife worried that they would be removed by the cemetery caretakers, who would understa
  11. Now is a difficult time to be in mourning. Briefly, I felt a sense of closure about my friend who died last year. Had he lived to see these times, I doubt he would have survived the pandemic. He would have either gotten infected through going to chemotherapy, or died from a lack thereof. For awhile, I thought that the sense of inevitability would help me through the grieving process, but it didn't last...
  12. I would go for it, if I were you. It sounds like you bring them much joy and comfort. I visited my friend's country earlier this year and arranged to meet with his wife and daughters. The younger one (age 15) did not join us, I think for the reason you feared. But that did not stop his wife and older daughter (20) -we all went out for a very enjoyable dinner. We didn't talk about him that much - mostly, I asked them to tell me about their lives in the countries they had lived in due to his work. At the end of the evening his daughter said "My dad was lucky to have you as his friend". It
  13. Hello AnnJ, Welcome. I too am coping with disenfranchised grief, and for me the most helpful thing was to connect with others who were close to him. Can you filter your circle of mutual friends for those who are supportive, not judgmental? And, It sounds like his daughters appreciate you, do you have any communication with them?
  14. I am so sorry you have to go through this. Can you mourn with any of his family or his friends? That can be healing.
  15. Dear Marty and Kaye, Thank you for your compassionate and clear-eyed advice. I'm following it.
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