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About razorclam

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    Advanced Member

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  • Your relationship to the individual who died
  • Date of Death
    April 2 2019
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:

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  • Location (city, state)
    Silver Spring MD

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  1. I feel like the Hanna character in The English Patient, who says "I am in love with ghosts".
  2. His eyes. Dark, deep soulful, but always with a sparkle. He was a great listener. Whenever we talked, he always wanted to know what I felt. He was incredibly brave, and maintained his grace and good humor, no matter how bad things got.
  3. Yes, that was my thinking too, even though I knew exactly how this connection would end. I would do it all over again. As the recent Nobel laureate Louise Gluck wrote, “Why love what you will lose?/ There is nothing else to love”.
  4. Thank you. I usually feel better after I have checked in here, despite all the sadness.
  5. My soul mate and I met through a big international work project. He was on the European team, so I only saw him once or twice a year. He was very bright and charismatic, but I was buried under juggling work, marriage and kids, so just as well that there was no spark. About 15 years after our first meeting, we learned that we had both spent parts of our childhood in the Middle East. Different countries, different cultures, but we bonded instantly over the experience of having dual Anglo-Mediterranean identities. From that point on we were personal friends, and made time for catching up at the c
  6. It's been 1.5 years since I lost my soul mate, and I think of him whenever my mind is not otherwise occupied (as in working, socializing, reading, etc.) I truly feel like nobody else in the world is mourning him as much as I am. His family members all have each other, with whom they work through their grief. I have had some infrequent contact with them, and I always feel better after that. But it does not appear that more regular communication with them is in the cards. Some of his (male) friends were in contact with me shortly after he died, but none of them responded to my follow-up emails.
  7. I was never a caregiver, so I can't relate to all aspects of your situation. But I say no, it is not wrong to think this way. My friend, who managed his cancer with grace and courage, was not afraid to die, but he was afraid of pain, and the loss of cognition that would accompany the inevitable morphine drip. He contemplated assisted suicide, but his wife wouldn't hear of it. In the end he died instantly, of a heart attack, before reaching the end staging. As shattering as the loss was, its swiftness and (I was told) relative painlessness were one of the few comforting elements of his story. Y
  8. Lucid, insightful, and articulate -as usual. Always a pleasure to hear from Kieron.
  9. "it was one of the most precious and tragic times of my life all wrapped into one." Great phrasing. That completely describes my journey. He reached out to me after he was diagnosed, I went all in, we fell in love. All via email and texting, in the shadow of his terminal cancer. A wild ride.
  10. Well said. I feel that my friend is part of the natural world now: the air, the water, the sounds of the forest. When I take my daily walks I see his hair in the milkweed pods that are opening up. While I was thinking this one day, a leaf dropped onto my head. Earlier this summer I was cycling on the trail, skidded, and crashed. Got pretty banged up but luckily did not break anything. I think he caught me right before I hit the ground.
  11. You have really said it. What amazed me was that I could love so much, at this age. I thought that was over, that I would never feel that way again, except for my kids.
  12. Dear Kieron, Thank you so much for your description of withdrawal. One thing that tormented me was that my friend never went online the day he died. He had communicated fairly normally the day before, though commented that he was feeling very poorly, and drifting in and out of sleep. Still, he sent me the usual goodnight message at 11:30 PM his time (9 time zones ahead of mine). Then he went silent forever. HIs wife told me that he died in the evening hours, so he was alive most of his last day, but opted not to communicate with his friends. For a long time I was, very selfishly, angry at
  13. Hello ladies, Last week Gail Sheehy, author of "Passages", died. I remember seeing the book on my parent's bookshelf in the 70's, but did not read it then. "Passages" is about the "predictable crises in adult lives". I read it last week, and although there are some dated elements, I found it remarkably forward thinking, almost timeless. Gail has this to say about the male personality type she calls a "transient" (in today's parlance, a commitmentphobe) (Bold italics mine). There seem to be elements of this in many posts I have seen about the grieving boyfriend who cuts loose. "
  14. Ummm....the advice I was referring to was not drinking, it was writing letters to the deceased.
  15. I have seen this advice on several mourning sites. I am glad it worked for you, though for myself, I have not found it very satisfying. One thing I have done it to create and write down imaginary dialogues with people close to him, who I have considered contacting. I followed through in one case, and I think that the prep helped.
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