I scramble for words to say.. I have never dealt with much death in my life until last night. I had to let go of my 15 year old golden retriever, Jasper, who I was fortunate enough to spend 13 years with. The difficult decision to euthanise him came due to natural cause.. my boy was old, he couldn’t stand, his back legs were no longer working and his body was shutting down.. he was ready. It was so painful to see you still smiling, you never showed any emotion other than overly happy.. you made my day, every day.
My bubbly boy.. I was 11 years old when we picked you up.. I won’t ever forget that day.. it is embedded in my brain. Your years saw me through the end of primary school, all of secondary school, university, you shared me with my first love, who you also fell deep in love with, my mental health battles, everything. Only on Saturday, the day before you passed, I was telling you that I bought a house that day! You were deaf and couldn’t hear me but my excitement made you smile and dance!
I never stopped to realise that you were always waiting for me.. always.. for 13 years all you did was wait to see us to make us smile.. then patiently wait for us to come home again and do the same.. you were so selfless. There was never a day that I came home and you weren’t waiting for me. We have been overseas for 3 weeks and you waited until the day we came home to say goodbye.. thankyou for waiting..
I have never felt pain like this. My chest hurts and my stomach and legs are so tense, even after 24 hours. I can’t eat.. I can’t sleep. I want to lay out in the garden where we buried you and sleep and talk to you.
I can’t smell you anymore, I can’t sleep again tonight, I can still hear you walking around and panting. I ran out before at 11pm and scrimmaged through your drawer to find your leash, covered in your hair.. holding it close to me for the night. I want to hug you, I want to smell you.. I want to physically feel you again
I miss you so much it hurts. My heart is so full of the memories, but so broken. Thank you for loving me unconditionally.. you have changed my life. I love you so much.
I know it is natural, but if anyone has any helpful ideas to help the grieving please let me know. I am terrible at coping with physical loss.
RIP my baby boy
01.03.05 - 15.03.20