Smpl0409

12 hours ago, kayc said:

While I usually learn from what I go through, I don't believe everything is "sent as a lesson."  It makes no sense to me why some get to keep their person and others just have to "learn lessons."  I don't see God as a giant puppeteer manipulating our lives just to make us miserable and see if we sink or swim.  I see life happens to us, no fairness about it, and He is ever present to go through it with us...our hurting hearts paining Him as well.  But that's just my take on it.

So perfect!  It reminds me of a Bible passage that says He comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any kind of affliction, through the comfort we ourselves receive from God. 2 Corinthians 1:4 

Exactly!  Losing George is my benchmark.  I have been through many hard places in my life, suffered abuse, losses of many kinds, but that was the hardest place of all!

It seems they want to differentiate you from themselves or it could happen to them...maybe not consciously but that's what they're doing.  Thus "you need to learn a lesson" (but not them).  When you think about it, how warped is that!

 

Beautiful thought...it's how I felt.

I just want answers and I instantly think I did something wrong because it is easier to blame me, I just hurts not knowing: Why I never knew this would happened? A warning would have made it easier. 

I am so sorry for everything that you have through, I just think losing the love of your life takes everything that once made you happy, and makes it unbearable. 

16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I just read the article and how true I is about how many people view what we are going thru.  Meaning....clueless.  Trying to assign lessons that lead to guilt?  Trying to downplay pain?  I’m feeling fortunate that I haven’t heard much of it and if has been thought of me, I haven’t known about it.  That would just be fuel on the fire.  No one needs that.  It’s a sad commentary about how grief is so misunderstood.

I know, how can you judge someones actions like that, it makes the situation even more painful and I just learned to ignore certain people that try to make me feel like I just should "get over it", it makes it even harder. 

3 hours ago, scba said:

 I'm sorry they said you that. In my view, that kind of statement put blame on survivors. There is something that they did to "deserve" it. To love someone too much? And what about our beloved ones?  What is the lesson  to a mother who lost his son? I'm sorry but I cannot coincieve any of that, and to be said to someone so young. Having said all that, I think we can choose what to do with our pain. We can be vindictive, careless, selfish, cynical, bitter...or we can show compassion, affection, care and respect to those who struggle and suffer.  https://www.huffpost.com/entry/lessons_b_5260513

I know they didn't have any bad feelings towards me telling me that but That was exactly what I thought : what did I do wrong? And It is something that I still think about, I deal with a lot of regret and I am working on it but It is very difficult when you were with that person in his last moments and could not do anything to save him. I have always been very patient and caring but lately I am super irritable and careless, I know is part of grief, I just don't want to hurt anyone. 

By the way, great article, thank you. I just read it and this phrases shocked me: a lot of people told me this: 

On 6/30/2020 at 8:01 AM, kayc said:

ALL of our friends disappeared, further adding to the shock and grief I had to deal with.  I know I would not have done likewise to them.  I am still blown away that people can be like that.  I'm talking best friends!  
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/friendships_b_2838996
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2015/11/in-grief-feeling-let-down-by-closest.html
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/friendship-why-i-not-longer-hold-onto-relationships-that-no-longer-serve-me_b_8027096

It does change us.  It's not all in negative ways, we can learn our inner strength, realize what's important and what isn't, develop understanding and compassion.  All of which we'd gladly trade to have them back!

People don't know how to respond to you, it's not that they value you less or don't like you anymore...it's about them, their fears, etc.  What they don't realize is that right now should be about YOU!  It is YOU who are going through the greatest loss and upheaval and we need them all the more then!

That is what we'd talked about, assumed, planned!  We were supposed to grow old together!

Exactly, I always considered myself a great friend, I was there for them through thick and thin and now I find myself with very few people that actually care enough to stand by me even If I refuse to accept their help. 

People tell me that I have to take this as a lesson from God, but I find myself lost, why did I have to go through this to learn something, he was the love of my life, he didn't deserve it. But I have found myself stronger because after this, what else can go wrong, there is nothing worse than this. 

Thank you so much for the articles ❤️

On 6/30/2020 at 1:37 AM, Gwenivere said:

Fear and anxiety are very common.  We’ve been thrust into a situation that was promising to give us so much happiness being turn from us.  We didn’t get a vote and many no warning.  Even with warning, it doesn’t make sense it’s happening to us.  I still spend much time wondering why us?  I’m sure every couple does.  I know my anxiety is intensified just knowing this is real.  My fear is how will I live my time left carrying the loss.  Also because it’s been found that loneiness is a threat to our physical well being.  It almost doesn’t make sense as I don’t want to be here without him.  When I came home last night from buying a new bedpillow (something we  reolaced every year) , I only had one.p.  It dawned on me I am 64 and I never had been here before but I always assumed every new phase he would be by my side.  I emptied another load of laundry with nothing if his in it.  I will have no one to see how the pillow, now singular, was in the morning.  I had to acknowledge I am scared too.  Every single day.  It’s just a sort if me now.  It was not something I wanted, expected and have to accept.....tho I do it kicking and screaming.  I admire those thatvdo this gracefully.

I feel exactly like that, my loss was sudden, one minute we were hugging and the next, he was gone, I didn't have any warning and that image will always haunt me. I am 20 years old and I always wonder how am I gonna be able to live like this for so long, I actually don't think I will be able, everyday seems so difficult and I am emotionally and physically exhausted. 

I am so sorry for your loss, every action that does not involve him anymore seems impossible, but I know that this routine will eventually get better. 

7 hours ago, kayc said:

So much wisdom and caring here.  

@Smpl0409  Don't let anyone invalidate your feelings, love has nothing to do with age, marital status, longevity, it has everything to do with the connection and love you shared with that person!  Many married people don't have what you had!  You know what you feel, you know what you've lost, I would set anyone straight that talked down to me like that.  Thank them for invalidating my experience.  I know that's not what they think they're trying to do, but in so doing it maybe need it called to their attention?  Do what you feel best!  What YOU feel is what matters most!

I really am grateful for God giving me the chance to meet my soulmate, and even though we did not have a lot of time, many can't even find them, so I have to hold on to what made me happy at that time. Recently, I have felt really alone, I miss him so much everyday but I just feel like I changed so much because of this, that people don't want to even talk to me, I'am scared. 

10 hours ago, scba said:

Loss to death in young adults is treated as a sad break-up.

I agree totally with what you are saying, I feel like everyone has moved on and I am just surviving but I have to hold on to the idea that I will see him when my time comes. I won't lie, I get really frustrated when people say this that you just made reference to: "Loss to death in young adults is treated as a sad break-up", I have lost great friendship because I found out they treated this like I was going through a casual heartbreak.

 I had friends with whom I went out every weekend that have never talked to me in almost 10 months and I just think to myself: "Is my friendship that meaningless and when things get rough, they disappear?"  but I have learnt to start to think about what is healthy for me. People thinking this is something you just get up from is awful and I just don't see myself recovering from this but having weird friendships makes it even more painful. 

I am very grateful from this site because I can express myself.

I am so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine being 30 and losing someone you love, every age makes grief different and that has to be very difficult to deal with. I congratulate you for sticking around and sharing your story. 

20 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

KGrief knows no age.  Yes, it’s more common the older we are.  But we taste it thru loss of aunts, uncles, parents, friends as they age too.  Your friends are in an awkward position right now.  It’s not their fault, they just haven’t experienced a loss such as yours.  I have no idea how I would have felt if this happened To me then.  I’m glad you found support here.  You’re a part of this family.  I don’t know what I round do without them all.  

You may not have been married yet, but you were at the start of a life you both planned together. I don’t know if you had plans for that, but love is love..  To lose something that special is so unfair.  Your dreams were crushed before they could even happen.  It might help if you brought up your boyfriend to show your friends it’s OK  to talk about him.  They may think it’s too hard for you when the opposite is true.  At the very least, you can find out if they can be there for you.  You may lose some people, but may grow closer to others.  You may have already done this.  I wish I could offer more, but your situation is no one I traveled.  As you travel it, I’ll learn too.  We all educate each other thru support.  Support each other by sharing (education).  It’s a life saving system.

The biggest education I got was the transformation of sympathy to true empathy. 🦋 

I never thought that I would go through something like this and I just was not prepared at all, one moment I was hugging him and the next, he was gone. Even though we were young, we had already planned on getting married and having kids and he was definitely my soulmate. It is incredibly lonely life without him, no amount of friends and family can replace him but I know I have to be empathic and know that this is difficult for them too. 

Thank you. 

7 hours ago, kayc said:

 

 

 

There, you have it, words of truer wisdom never spoken!

Thank you so much for accepting me and guiding me. 

7 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I’m almost afraid to say anything, but this is about sharing experience and going into my 6thyear is proving to be the hardest challenge I’ve ever faced.  I factor in my being much older, the pandemic, a long history of losses and seeing there will be more as I get more limited by age.  This is only counting loss by death, not loss of other relationships from distance or not fitting anymore, which hurt to at that age as they are stilll there but you can’t connect with them anymore.  That’s a whole different pain.  

Its all so individual. Some find ways to channel that grief into a different life that will always have the pain but they still live.  Some get stuck because circumstances just wind up creating a prison.  I’m in the latter from physical prevention of attempts of things I’d like to try but just cannot.  Many would be avenues to more social interaction which I desperately need.   That can’t happen sitting here alone.  

I wont insult you by saying you are young and have so much time.  You've faced something no one my age at the time ever did.  Support must be even harder as you may have no one in your peers that could possibly understand fully what you are enduring,  I hope being with us helps somewhat.  You were just starting your life with another.   It was much too soon to end.  I wish I had some wisdom for facing that at your age, but I do know losing the one you love the most in the world is devastating.  Don’t bow to the pressure to get better.  I don’t even know what that means from the people around you.  Go back like it never happensed?  That won’t happen.  Feel what you have every right to feel.  It comes to finding who can you support you in the ways you need.  Some might be there for anything, others for certain things.  This is your journey and you do it your way.  

 I won't lie, I get really hurt when people tell me that just because we were not married or I am too young, that it means it does not hurt but I have learned to ignore and do what he would want me to do, keep trying to get better. I can't find people my age that have gone through this, and people get awkward when they are around me because they don't know what to do or say, I can sense it right from the beginning of the conversation. This forum has really really helped me because I don't feel pressured or judged, I feel free to tell my story and I know it is helping me heal. 

I feel really alone, I live with my parents but my siblings don't live here anymore, my friends have been wonderful in all of this but my insecurities sometimes get the best of me and I get the feeling they just don't know what to do. 

 I know that it is a long journey and I have to be patient, I am grateful of the people that I have helped me, friends, family and his family and I don't know where I would be without them. But, I find myself getting a lot of pressure getting better and moving on but I am learning to ignore it because I just want to be with him. 

The "firsts withouts" has been the hardest but I think I have to stop expecting a lot from the second year. I have been taking antidepressants which have helped me a lot, I am scared of what will happen when I stop taking them.

I have been told and that the first year is the hardest, I just hope it gets better and that I have to work on the guilt to begin accepting his death. Since I was young, I was always afraid of losing someone I loved and It happened and I just feel I have to learn from this and live in the moment. Thank you so much for the book and your advice. 

14 hours ago, kayc said:

Remind me closer to the time and I will post links to help you with it, it helps to plan what you're going to do that day.  Mostly listen to your inner self, how you want to spend the day, whether with others or alone, at a favorite place you used to go to together, or however you choose to handle it...or not.  But that's a ways away yet, try to stay in today, tomorrow has enough cares of it's own!

 

I love that analogy!  And beautiful clock, BTW!

I know people would like to be with me and I want to honor him, I'm just scared of my reaction. I guess I have to start living day by day and think about it when it's time. Thank you so much for your help, I will remind you, I would love your help to cope with it. 

16 hours ago, Kieron said:

Yes, very much so.  No one do that part for you, needless to say, but we know what it can feel like.  For me, it was like a giant door slowly slamming shut as the date approached.  It felt like I would no longer be able to say, "At this time last year we were..., or he was experiencing...., or I was doing..." and going forward from that date was like my past life was receding further away.  it still feels that way as I approach 3 and 1/2 years.  It is just less intense, in comparison.  I've used an analogy elsewhere of beach glass or sea glass, which is a glass bottle that fell into an ocean and shattered.  Over time, the constant waves in the ocean smooth the jagged edges of the glass shards, so they're worn down, smooth, sort of pastel, the way sea glass looks when it washes up on shore.  I use that image below to illustrate for others how the sharp and jagged edges of grief often wear down over time.  You can still feel that edge, but it's not as likely to cut you as deeply.

I am scared of feeling everything far away and being forced to remember with such pain still. I have a strong way to guide my actions with what I've been through and people often tell me this will be a lesson for life but I just feel I gets harder and hard. I like the analogy, I really hope those edges get less sharp and that time helps me to heal. 

14 hours ago, kayc said:

As Kieron mentioned, it is common, normal even, to feel guilt and whatifs following loss, we mull it around in ourselves, trying to find a different possible outcome, only there isn't one, just the one that happened.  It's important to keep in mind that our FEELINGS do not make us guilty!  Our FEELINGS are not fact!  Our feelings are real to us and we can have a myriad of feelings at once, including some opposing ones, all valid and normal, but that does not make us guilty!

I hope you will read these articles and take them to heart...you might want to reread until it seeps in.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/03/in-grief-coping-with-moment-of-death.html
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/guilt-and-regret-in-grief.html
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html
There is one more I want to include as it has been a while and you might find yourself smiling and then feeling abhorred that you did!  Know that is to be coveted and natural and important that we allow ourselves that as it is not their death or our grief that binds us, but the love we share and that continues still.

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/06/in-grief-feeling-guilty-for-feeling.html

 

Our feelings are really strong and I know they are something I have to let go to let go my guilt and It is something I work everyday to forget. Thank you so much for your help with these articles and beautiful words. 

15 hours ago, Kieron said:

Hello, I think you mentioned in your other post that it had been 9 months since he died in your arms.  It's not surprising that you have the regrets and guilt, especially being unable to do anything about it even with an ambulance there.  I think all of us have experienced these or similar feelings in the aftermath of the loss, and in variable degrees of intensity at different times.  Having many unanswered questions is also very much a natural experience and is a big part of the journey. 

Having said all that, I'd also like to say that at 9 months, it's all still very fresh for you.  Everyone is different, and people's grief journey is individual, so I would suggest treating yourself as gently as you can and recognize that you're going to feel what you feel, especially as the first anniversary comes up.

It still feels like yesterday that this happened and I find myself scared of the anniversary coming up, It will feel like reliving it. I know I have a lot to work on, getting rid of the guilt and not being so hard on myself. Thank you for your words. 

I am 20 years old, I lost my boyfriend, he was 22. He had a heart attack because of an undiagnosed cardiac disease. The most traumatic thing was having to see him go in my arms and not being able to do anything, the ambulance was unable to rescue him and I find myself full of regrets and guilt. I miss him a lot and I can't see my future without him, every day is a struggle to stay because of my parents and his. I want to make him proud but It is hard when I lost my entire motivation. I just have a lot of questions and I know they will never be answered, I want to recover my happiness and be hopeful and excited about life again. 

Hi. I lost my boyfriend 9 months ago, I am 20 and he was 22, he died in front of me, he had an undiagnosed cardiac disease. I remember how life seemed unbearable and how sometimes, It still does. I often wonder why God let that happen, It's normal to feel angry and hopeless, it becomes part of healing, with time, some things will become to make more sense. Talk to God, tell him all that you are feeling, cry, scream, punch your pillow and let it all out. I totally understand your anger and even after this time I still have a lot of questions unanswered but never quit trying to heal. Make sure to surround yourself with people that make you feel like your pain is worthy and that you can be yourself (in grief). Always remember that time does not heal, it is what we do during that time that matters. You can do it.