Lexilou

2 hours ago, kayc said:

Me too!...if not for that, IDK.

💞

39 minutes ago, kayc said:

Darling picture of her!  I am so sorry for the pain you're in, I know it well.  Very very hard to go through, I know of nothing worse.

I don't know that there is a REASON for their deaths but I do know we can use what we LEARN through it.  In losing my husband, I applied all of the survival skills I knew when I lost Arlie.  I find purpose also in helping others going through it.

Continue with the hope we have in being with them again!

 

Beautifully said kayc! Helping others is a fantastic way to help heal your heart. I'm so sorry for your profound losses. I think the grief we feel forces us to dig deep with ourselves and, like you said, use what we learn through it. I am finding through losing my Lexi, I'm opening up to so many new and wonderful things. I would give anything to have her here with me, but knowing I will be with her again, comforts me deeply. 

6 hours ago, Kay B said:

Hi Lexilou, sorry I haven't chatted with you in awhile. How are you managing? Remind me again when your loss was? Think it was June not too far from when I lost Mama. Oh Lexi I'm grieving and missing her so badly. I'm still crying every day. Between this forum, a twice a month online grief meeting, talking with the food bank's chaplain once a week, and seeing a therapist once every 2 weeks, you would think I would be doing better than I am. It's all a complicated situation because not only am I dealing with losing her but I've got alot of unresolved emotional baggage and a good number of spiritual issues around where she might be and anger issues with God of why did he take her away, why  he makes me go through this pain, and even IF he exists or even any kind of higher power. As I stated to some others, I had a fair amount of spiritual belief before, but when Mama passed all my faith went out the window, I felt no spirituality, and just a feeling of dead nothingness inside. After 8 weeks of staying away from church, I've attended last 2 sunday's. I feel it's a waste and I'm only there physically but my heart is not. I cannot sing the songs and barely can listen to the sermon. I sit there, feel overwhelming sadness, cry, and try to shut the screaming voices in my head up. I can't concentrate on what the preacher says. It's like the hour of hell getting through it.  I feel like I'm trying to appear as something I'm not. I've been in my church since 1996, a good chunk of time. But I feel no connection at this time. I gain strength here from reading and talking to all you folks. It would be nice to have any of y'all here in person, which would only strengthen the feelings of support. But I'll have to just be thankful I've found this site. I'm glad you enjoyed reading my story about Mama. Awhile back I posted about the day I got her, it was very special and makes it that much harder to accept daily life without her. She brought me so much joy, purpose, unconditional love, being a true soulmate, and I never thought I would face not having her so soon. I chose not to follow the vet's recommendation of euthanizing her, but I will constantly wonder if I caused her to suffer and try to face the exponential guilt I feel inside.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It is tough, I know, to find your way once your soul mate is no longer in the physical world. If church doesn't make you feel good, then don't go. Since my Lexi passed, I too habe tried to make sense of her sudden tragic death. I feel there has to be a greater reason for it. Since her death, I have began a journey of my own. A spiritual journey finding my true purpose. I have learned that everything, Everything happens for a reason. Sit with yourself. Let yourself feel whatever you feel and be ok with it. Be good to yourself. Get fresh air. Be in nature. Eat and sleep. I truly believe that when our pets pass they live on in the afterlife and visit us in spirit. If you talk to them and think of good memories in your mind, you will in time feel their presence around you. I recommend this book: The Amazing Afterlife of Animals by Karen Anderson. It helped me sooo much in the worst of my grief. Healing hugs to you❤

5 hours ago, Kay B said:

 

Mama looks like a very happy dog. Full of life and sunshine. I enjoyed reading your story. Blessings of love and I hope your grief lessens over time. You're doing all you can right now. Take care of yourself❤

5 hours ago, Kay B said:

Hello Lexilou,

Thank you so much for your reply. I have been away from this group cause of my pain, and I'm crying as I write this. I'm desperately looking for one on one in person therapy. Please don't think I am disregarding this group cause I'm definitely not! I am trying to use every resource possible. This pain inside has absolutely crippled me. I manage to distract myself during the day with daily stuff but when the day winds down and I crawl into bed, thoughts of my precious engulf me and the tears come nonstop. In my head the words "if I could just have1 more chance to hold her and see with my eyes" keep repeating over and over. The thought I will never see her again is more than I can bear. Most people can't see past "it's only a dog". Those that do offer consolation with rainbow bridge. This only brings more doubt to my mind cause at present I question whether I believe in a spiritual world or afterlife. I consider myself a Christian and have always been a believer, but loosing my precious( I called her Mama) has somehow caused my mind to believe only in what we have on earth and nothing more. So not only am I dealing with the lost of Mama, but the loss of my faith. I haven't been to church for 5 weeks mainly cause being there will cause more grief,doubt, and confusion. I don't feel like I could be in the presence of church members without uncontrollable sobbing.

I hope you find your way out of the crippling grief. I am still overwhelmed with grief myself, but am also reaching out to other groups, ideas, books, etc. I have found so much positivity through reading Karen Anderson's books. It is afterlife material, but I do believe in that now. I honestly feel as if my Lexi's sudden, unexpected death, was for me to find my path to a more spiritual way of life.  For, I cannot believe that the manner in which she passed was for nothing. I know there has to be a reason and I am on the path of discovery. I still grieve her everyday. I cry, I call out her name. But, I am also searching within myself for the path I'm to take now. I'm 49. I better get busy!. I'm so sorry for your tremendous loss. It is grief that is, like you said, crippling. Hugs to you❤

5 hours ago, DebbieGD said:

Lexi, hi I hope your getting my messages, I'm not tech savvy so.. I'm really sorry about Lexi I know how devastating that is. Life can be so good and one day in an instant,gone... And we are forever changed, our hearts are scared for life, the good life is past us now,( this is my take) and now we go through it begrudgingly. I do anyway. I was raised a pentacost, granny my Sunday school teacher my grandpa's the preacher,we lived in the churches house. I thought God was always on my side. I have been so devastated in life, I know what finding your sweet Lexi like that is like lexilou, I really really do. I've tried to make sense of it all, and why God allows such things to happen. To make us stronger,don't know,to teach us a lesson don't know, to follow him don't know,what I do know is the world is ruled by darkness,and many follow. When we fall away or are pushed away form God,terrible things happen,and yet those who are strong in their faith terrible things happen. I get angry sometimes over matters I have no control of, bc I  feel it's my fault,when down inside I know it isn't. The dark side knows it, but he is the great deceiver, We can-not under any circumstances let him become our father!, he is the father of lies. The component of evil in us and we all have it, is his deception. He deceived us in the garden, and it is that component of evil that is in us. Let the Lord shine upon you, trust in him with all your heart.

I didn't mean to preach,just sometimes he hears our call. May you have a bright and shiny day, and good will be in your path..

Hi Debbie. Thanks for messaging me. I am getting along. I miss my girl intensely. I have found a group on a website called pet loss.com. it is a chat world wide. If you go to the site you will find others in our shoes. New ones old ones. So many. They have a candle ceremony every Monday night in your time zone. 9pm for me. I'm central time. Anyway, I invite you to this. Follow the instructions to create account. Its free and you can add your beloved to the tribute list. And tell your story. Everyone is great. Loving. Welcoming. I look forward to seeing you there if you so choose. Take care Debbie. Your baby is with you in spirit. I promise. Hugs. ❤❤

2 hours ago, kayc said:

I recommend reading this article... the message is worth it!  (Re: Letting Go)

God Squad: Being able to let go is allowing God’s will to become real
By Rabbi Marc Gellman
TRIBUNE CONTENT AGENCY
Q: I first want to start off by saying my mother-in-law and I read your column faithfully and every weekend we call one another discussing it. We are Catholic and really enjoy that you know so much about every religion and discussing things about it.

We recently had to put our rabbit of 10 years to sleep. This rabbit was a huge part of our family. We bought it for our kids when they were young and it was our pet instead of a dog. He was such a huge part of our lives. He was wonderful. Always cuddling with us, playing, he was a joy to have.

He was having health issues and we had to bring him to an animal hospital in which we were given the choice to put him to sleep or have him live a life of being an ICU bunny, which he would have to be fed by syringe, go to doctor every six months, etc. Of course, if you had $10,000 I’m sure you could keep him alive and do all of those things.

What I am struggling with is who are we to make this choice? Isn’t that God’s doing? And why did I have to make that choice because I don’t have a lot of money? It’s almost like money is making that choice? What if we had the money, would he have lived if he had the surgery? Would he live a terrible life? I also struggle with this about human beings. Never being in that situation yet, but we are not God. Please enlighten. – From D

A: I know some of my readers are going to check out on a question about the fate of a sick bunny, but I am on your side. The emotional life of people with pets seems to me to be much richer than those who have decided only to care for themselves and their family.

Pets offer unconditional love and require constant and loving care. This is a powerful spiritual bargain and it does not matter what animal people choose as their pet. OK, I draw the line at wild animals with long teeth, and I have not yet seen a lot of evidence of unconditional love from snakes and fish but, that aside, I am an unconditional animal lover. I was trained to be this way by my grandfather, Leo Gellman, who was a zookeeper at the Milwaukee zoo. I even tried to buy a koala for my wife, Betty, as an engagement present (no luck, immigration laws).
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We raised guide dogs for the blind and now, here in California, we are not only caring for our grandchildren, Zeke and Daisy, but also for our grand-dog, Rocky. I will even admit that once, to help an emotionally challenged child who loved his dog, I actually performed a ”Bark Mitzvah” on his dog.

So those are my pet credentials, and I tell you that even if you had the money, treating your sick bunny would be the wrong thing to do. The reason is that your bunny is not just sick. Your bunny is dying and the only thing veterinary medicine can offer you now is not healing, but merely postponing death and increasing suffering. You think this is different from the ethical issues at the end of human life, but it is not. Medicine is meant to heal and at a certain time healing is no longer possible.

When that time is reached, for bunnies or for people, the proper spiritual response is to let go. Refusing to let go is actually preventing God’s will from becoming real. Treating without any therapeutic hope is not medicine, it is torture. Do not feel like your economic situation is the cause of your dear pet’s death. It is death that has arrived at your doorstep and it is death that must sorrowfully be let in.

Here is a part of one of my favorite Mary Oliver poems called “In Blackwater Woods.”

”To live in this world you must be able to do three things: to love what is mortal; to hold it against your bones knowing your own life depends on it; and, when the time comes to let it go, to let it go.”

as found here: https://www.newsobserver.com/living/religion/article119433918.html

 

 

Thank you for this kayc. Very comforting with great insight. Hugs❤

5 hours ago, DebbieGD said:

I have this new phone and I can't get notifications. I'm in tears I'm so lost I'm scared.

Please reach out to the links Marty suggested. And YOU'RE NOT ALONE!!! I'm holding your hand and comforting you right now. ❤❤

35 minutes ago, DebbieGD said:

Hi Lexilou I'm doing terrible, I'm so alone I miss her and it's breaking my heart I'm having panic attacks back to back I'm crying excessively, I don't think I can go on. 

Do you have anyone to talk to? I mean other than on here? I know it is awful pain. 

On 7/12/2020 at 9:25 AM, DebbieGD said:

Think of you too huggs❤️

Hi Debbie. How are you doing lately? Ive been thinking of you and hope you've found some comfort. 

3 hours ago, kayc said:

Yes, whenever we go through something traumatic it FEELS like time is warped!  When I lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly, the early weeks felt like an eternity!  Now 15 years later, it feels like an eternity since I had him in my life, kind of like a long ago dream or a movie I watched.  It's weird how it plays tricks with us.

If you select something someone wrote, then click quote, it will put that passage into your response.  Or you can click Quote below their comment and it will put the whole thing in.

Ok. Thank you. I'm clearly not a tech genius. Lol

Marty and Kay... Sorry I havent quite figured out how to reply to individual posts/comments. Its a little confusing to me. I do love the obituary Marty. That is very insightful. And I know I need more time to grieve. Somehow, it seems as if it's been a lot more time than it has since she's been gone, you know? Like time is standing still right now... Do you feel that way?

Ive had a lot of friends and family tell me the best way to get over losing your dog is to get another one. I cant even imagine that. I dont know how I'll feel down the road. Right now, she's all I can think about. Its a longing. I cry less times a day, but the times I do, I cry longer. It is grief I never knew existed. That makes it difficult to imagine going thru this again. 

Your love knows you and knows you would never hurt her. We are so good at blaming ourselves. It is useless to do as it has no meaning on the other side. Try to let go of the guilt. I am working on that now. It's hard but necessary to allow the light to come in. And they have so much light. It helps to talk on here to deal with my grief. My guilt. I hope you can focus on memories. As it helps you and it helps her. ❤

That was a message from her for sure. What ive been reading and hearing from this wonderful FB group is that when you feel something or you see something and you think of Buttercup, don't talk yourself into thinking it is just coincidence or your imagination. If it feels real, it's real.  

Its been a rough day for me but I'm slowly releasing the guilt. It's not stabbing me in the heart at every turn. Its there for sure, just seems to be lightening. I think because I know Lexi loves and adores me. She knows I would never do anything to harm her. And I say that in present tense because I know she is still with me. Her spirit lives on with me everyday. 

There are definitely signs! Little messages. If you keep your eyes open and mind open, I believe we receive little messages from them. I just watched your little video with Buttercup in the swing. It was so sweet! He looked very content and looked like he trusts you completely. I know everyone says time heals, maybe it does. Idk I'm still struggling but its only been 2 weeks. I have so many of the same feelings you have. Grief is exhausting mentally and physically. We just have to do our best to get through it. Not that it will ever go away, but I'm hoping it becomes bareable at some point. Hugs to you❤

don't feel guilt. Guilt will tear you up. Let me tell you what happened to Lexi. I always. Always leave empty boxes of cereal next to my trashcan. The boxes are too big to put in the can but I'll know to take them out when the trash gets full. Ive left empty cereal boxes on the floor nest to the trashcan at least 100 times before. 12 days ago, my boyfriend had gotten me a new scooter. We went to go practice on it.  Gone 45 minutes. When I returned, I went inside and looked all over for my Lexi. I walked outside and told Andy that Lexi wasn't inside. He said, well she has to be. So I looked again. The last place I went was the laundry room. She never hung out in there. But that's where I found her. Huddled, in a corner. Bag from cereal box snug over her head. We tried like he'll to revive her. To no avail. 

see, Lexi was my soulmate. The light of my life. We were so close. I am mad at God for depriving me of being able To hold her as she crossed over. I feel your pain! I feel it every minute. For I am suffering right along with you!  I feel like her death is such a cruel and that i didn't get the chance to say goodbye and hold her close as she passed. Please understand that our loves love us no matter what. That's what is keeping me sane right now. I'm so exhausted now that ove relived that moment. Let's talk tomorrow. Hugs❤

Debbie,  yes it's late. So, hopefully you will have sweet dreams and read this post when you wake up. 

No need to talk about how much money you have or don't have. None of that matters here. What matters is the love and devotion you have for Buttercup. I can tell its a lot of love so let's focus on that love. He only wants the best for you. Try hard to remember your wonderful memories, as I'm sure there are plenty. He loves you so much. Whatever happened in the end is not important in the grand scheme. He knows you love and adore him. I am sure he walks beside you because that is what he knows and is comforted by. It is late and I am missing my Lexi. I'm going to settle into bed but just know our babies are with us. That's what gives me comfort at night. I will tell you all about what happened to my Lexi tomorrow. I just can't go there tonight. I miss her so deeply it hurts. I understand your grief and I hope we can be there for one another to carry this weight that feels so very heavy. Ttyl. Thank you for reaching out. ❤

I would live to hear all about your Buttercup. Feel free to share everything on here with us❤

Hi Debbie. I can feel your pain. It is very deep. It is a strange world, isn't it? We are given a gift so full of overwhelming love and joy. Then, one day, it is taken from us. Grieving like you are sounds a lot like my grief. It overcomes you and all you wish for is more time with your love. My Lexi was 13 and passed on only 12 days ago. It was an unexpected freak accident and I am still struggling every day to come to terms that she's gone. I am told that if you try to think of the best of memories with them, it helps you move thru your grief. I am new at this too, but reaching out to all different sites and articles and people with all sorts of perspectives. It helps comfort me. I talk to her all the time. In between tears and gut wrenching sorrow. It is very hard. Just know you're not alone and your baby loves you and is with you all the time in spirit. I really believe that. I have to. Thinking of you❤Hugs

I feel your pain. I, too, lost my border collie 12 days ago. She was my world. We had a very special closeness that sounds similar to yours. Journaling helps me as well. I, too, am functioning, but little else. The pain is deep, I know. There are many articles shared on here that help a bit. I also recommend a book called "The Amazing Afterlife of Animals" by Karen Anderson. It is very comforting and covers so many things. There is also a Facebook group you can ask to be a member of called Animal Communication Planet. Lots of others sharing their stories of their pain but also of their memories. There are communicators on there that may attempt to connect with deceased pets from the other side. This may not be your thing, but it has helped me cope and see how wonderful it was for us to have been each other's best friend. Just putting that out there in case you are interested. Sending hugs to you and prayers for healing. 

Kay, how are you doing? I hope you know you're not alone. Reach out whenever you would like. Pour your heart out on this page if it makes you feel better. Caring thoughts sent your way🙏❤

Hi Kay B. I understand your pain. It is overwhelming. I lost my Lexi 12 days ago. She was my soulmate and taught me what true love is. I am struggling right along with you. She passed without warning. A freak unexpected accident when I wasnt home. Feel blessed that she passed in your arms. It is important that you were with her when she crossed over. Remember that. Even though it's unbearable, she passed with you holding her. There is an animal communicator her name is Karen Anderson. She has a few books called The Amazing Afterlife of Animals and Hear All Creatures. I read the first one and it helped comfort me in my grief. There is also a Facebook group of hers called Animal Communication Planet that you can ask to be a member of. I know it's the hardest thing in the world to go through. Just know you're not alone. Hugs to you. ❤

Thank you, Marty. 

Has anyone heard of Karen Anderson? She is an animal communicator and I just finished one of her books. It is called "The Amazing Afterlife of Animals". She has an app and also a Facebook group called Animal Communication Planet. It has helped me. Just wondering if anyone knows about her or had experience with her.