BaxterBurg

Sorry for the late reply, I will get back to you shortly.

I've been there honestly, except it was before we broke up and I just felt it coming. I know how much that must have hurt. I get that, and that seems to be the case with my ex. knowing her, I can see how she thought this. She voiced to me once how she hates when people complain about their problems to other people; I tried telling her that talking to me was okay, and that I wish she would. She says its part of her soviet culture to not complain about issues, or talk about things. I was kind of like this too before opening up to family and friends about my breakup. I never realized how much better it feels to have someone to talk to finally. Its kind of strange though, I can just tell something is off even though on the surface she seems "normal". She once told me that she fakes being happy because she has to get over the grief and because her grandfather wouldn't want her to be unhappy. I think this may be the reason why it comes off as cold. I get what you mean, I'm feeling pretty drained sometimes. The worry that shes talking to another guy is particularly annoying; but I do my best to take her word that she can't have a relationship right now. Yeah, this is more what I meant. It would be horrible to have to experience another situation where they push us away; I don't even know what I would do in that situation. I wouldn't mind helping someone in grief either, and as you say, its just about being able to rely on them to stick through it, or even turn to us in their time of need Don't worry. She should be able to understand. My ex was pretty understanding, and she told me I could do whatever I had to do, even if that was cutting contact completely. I feel you, I think you did you're best; its time to focus on yourself. I almost feel like I'm at that point sometimes--my friends and family often just tell me to give up for the same reason Kayc says. Don't worry cody, you deserve someone who loves you as much as you love them. If this is the end, I'm very sorry, and at least you can take pride in the fact that you did everything possible for this girl. Taking the hard road builds character, and as you have mentioned, lots of knowledge for other relationships.

That makes sense, just going from what she told me it does appear that her emotional capacity is all being directed towards her family and her own healing. I think I will try my best, I'm not really sure what I will do honestly--I might just play it by ear. I'm setting 3 months max until we meet in person (I set February 21st on my calendar); and because of school, we will remain in contact--is that a good thing, I'm not too sure. This all seems to be a very strange balancing act of trying to keep a connection versus giving her some space, as I think you have mentioned. If I distance myself too much, I fear losing whatever feelings might be left--that's why I'm asking her to watch a movie with me--but at the same time, maybe giving her space will allow her to heal better/not resent me--I really have no clue. My head is in circles thinking about it; but for the most part I'm just trying to move on. I'm not really expecting it to work out after reading so many threads, and just putting myself in her shoes, I understand that at this stage it might prove too difficult and awkward to repair. But my gut still says that somehow we will be together again in the future, just not sure how long that may be. I always thought she would be my wife, even before we met: I would look at her in class and think: there she is, its just a matter of time. Part of me feels confused on feelings at this point though, I'm not sure if i miss her or just the feelings of being in a relationship. Have you felt similar? I feel almost feel unhappy after talking to her, shes just too cold or something; or shes hurt me too much. Maybe I'm just moving on, not too sure. That's a good way to look at it; hopefully neither of us are unlucky enough to have to deal with a situation like this again though. Yes, I really wish we had discussed this too. I just never expected it to end this way! Neither of us did. But it's for sure something to carry forward into new relationships. At least for our future partners as well, when we both have to experience grief ourselves, we will never do this to them. Also, if you're curious, I've been asking family and friends their perspective on everything. I asked a female family friend who actually was the dumper. She got diagnosed with cancer, and basically she just felt that she had to let go and focus purely on herself. She also didn't think she could put her partner through the pain because she knew that he was not the one, but also because his first wife died of cancer. This is a different situation, but might offer some perspective from their side; I suppose this is where the "chink" in the relationship might play a part. This may not have played a part in your relationship, but its something to think about, as I'm sure you have. Just thinking back on my own, I can see how she might be just trying to spare me further pain, especially if her own feelings were further effected by grief, or by depression. Yeah, its true. I think I'm doing well, hope you are too. I tend to think of these types as ticking time bombs, just ready to explode on anyone who's unfortunate enough to be holding them through it. Maybe this is too harsh a thought, but it gives me comfort anyway. As Kayc says: we need someone who will stick around through the hard times, as we did for them. Keep your head up! And best of luck.

Thanks KayC. I hope I will be able to grow from this experience, and I'm sure I will. And you're right that I need someone who is willing to stick by me when it gets tough. Regarding the 3 weeks, I don't think I have much choice. I don't want to lose my friends in our group, and I will always see her face in class. I might just have to suck it up if I'm unable to move on by then. But I won't direct message her, at least until we decide on a date for closure.

Hi Kody, sorry for not getting back to you sooner. I appreciate your response, and I'm sorry to hear of your situation. You are definitely right that our situations seem to be so similar. From the start I accepted that this would be a long and painful experience trying to reconcile the relationship, but as you said, I know I have to exhaust every option before I can fully accept that I tried my best. However, I am starting to ware out quite a bit, and I'm tempted to just tell her goodbye. And yeah, I actually haven't dated any girls in the past, she was the first. She will always be special to me for that reason alone. You did a lot for her, and good on you for being there as much as you could, I understand how painful it must have been to be there for her still. There are for sure similarities with what your feeling on my end too. Its very clear that she will have to put in lots of effort if she hopes to get the relationship going again, but I just don't think she has the energy to do it. I can also just "feel" the barriers that exist to do doing so, versus just starting fresh with someone else. I think she is hesitant about the movie offer because she still doesn't want to pull me along, but at the same time is still conflicted. The problem is, is that feelings won't just come back on their own, and love takes a lot of energy. We have to create new memories, and I need to reignite that spark that was lost, if she's even capable of it in the first place. Its very difficult for me to see a positive way out of this pit, and I'm sorry to hear that things are not working out for you. I understand that in your situation she seemed to be very broken still; but I honestly don't know where my ex is in terms of grieving, she tries to mas kit, and is coming off overly happy to compensate for it. She told me this during our talk. I'm sure it doesn't help that she feels that she has to care for her father through this too. However, I don't feel that I'm walking on egg shells as much as I did before; we had a very upbeat conversation and I felt comfortable just joking around with her while doing our school work and after the exam. Before the death it was much worse: I could never talk about politics/philosophy as we used to because it would upset her; I could never ask her about her day; and it was always just sad and cold with zero affection except for our "I love you's". Interestingly enough, my ex never asked for space. She said how we talked was fine, and that she would follow my communication style. Of course, we stopped doing our daily calls, but not until school ended did we stop talking everyday. Since confronting her though, I feel as if the dynamic has shifted, and she is more hesitant about contacting me because she knows it hurts me now. Also because school is over, we don't have an excuse to speak, but I think she wants space now anyway--as do I. I really do understand what your saying at the end. I really thought me and her could weather any storm, as we use to talk so much about how important commitment was in a relationship, and being a team. Like you, I can honestly say I tried my best, and I have accepted that it is in her hands now. In my case, I'm not sure if I will ever properly heal since we share a friend group, and also classes together. In the end, this might work in my favour because maybe at some point she will recover from her pain, and that spark may return. Our relationship started from friendship, and I don't see why it can't again; but I'm not holding out hope, because I know it would just be never ending pain. Thanks for reaching out Kody, and I hope for the best in your recovery and your future. We're both going through it together.

Thank you

Thanks for replying Cody, I'll make sure to respond to your post tomorrow after work. I will say now though that I'm sorry about your situation, that's really rough. The most comforting thing to hear for me is the classic "If its meant to be, it will be". bye for now

I think you're right kayc, I really can't take this anymore. Every time we talk its like I'm feeding an addiction, and I have to go through withdrawal all over again. I just hate that we share the same friend group, and I really don't want to lose them. They knew her before me, and I know that they will always favour her, but I know it will absolutely kill me if I ever saw her with someone else. The only thing that comforts me is that I know we will be meeting in 2-3 months to discuss everything; although I recognize that statistically the odds aren't in my favor. I'm not sure if you read my last post (practically a book) about what happened (i deleted it), but she responded to my movie offer by saying I was "putting her on the spot" but that she will consider it, and (hopefully) let me know by Friday. I was able to make it light hearted and we didn't end it on a bad note, she laughed a lot during our convo. However, It seems like her answer was already a no, but I'm not sure why she couldn't just tell me straight up. Something just seems so off about her. If she responds with a no, or not at all, then I am for sure not talking to her until at least class starts up again (around 3 weeks). I'm having such a hard time coping with the fact that I did so much to help her through this and all I got was coldness and an eventual break up. It was genuinely probably the worst month of my life. I can see the guilt aspect you mentioned, sometimes I think she secretly resents me because of the guilt I trigger. She always used to insult women for leaving good guys for no reason, and I think she realized she did the same; its why she doubted the relationship over insignificant things to try to rationalize it. You're right about the trust factor. The only thing that would spare me such fear is that shes never experienced grief in her entire life, and I know she has such a close bond with her family that maybe most of her emotional capacity had to go to them. I would just hope the next time something happens, I am part of that family. And of course I'm sorry to hear of your story, I am familiar with it from your other threads. It is really is impossible to understand how grief can alter someone so much. But as you say, maybe there was a chink there, I'm not sure. Its my first relationship and I feel like i can't even point out what it could have been. It seems like our relationship never even happened; we never even went on a real date--they were all in the park or in her backyard. We would usually just talk all night, sometimes for 6 hours (10pm-4am); but we had to go LDR for the last month and a half because of covid, which probably really did a number on our connection through this. Sometimes I think that if we just had a physical presence, maybe all this would have been okay. Honestly, if i can vent a little, this has been an awful first relationship experience. Covid made us so nervous since she lived with her grandparents, we would often go weeks without touching; she lives far away and i had to take a sometimes 2 hrs bus ride just to see her; her grandfather was just getting progressively worse while her family struggled financially. I think we only had a solid 1-2 months of comfort with each other. It just so sad to think of what could have been. Thanks again kayc

Hey just made my own thread

Hello everyone, per Cody's recommendation I decided to create my own thread. My Ex lives with her parents and grandparents, and ever since we started dating (5 months ago) her grandfather's health had progressively worsened. On top of this, there was a sudden death of an aunt who she wasn't close to but was nevertheless impacting the family, as well as the uncle who sought comfort in them during his own grief. The taking care of the grandparents has also been very financially straining on the family. This is the first time in her life that she has ever dealt with death and severe life struggles as a whole, and it all happened at once on top of our exams and assignments. Last month, as her grandfather's condition worsened, she became cold and distant with me; when I would ask her what was wrong, she never had an answer, and often wouldn't tell me much of her home life. She is the type to not want to complain about issues, or talk through things; sometimes i would be persistent, and she would tell me how she was feeling. She expressed she was numb and she cried all the time--it was very heartbreaking. Despite this, I remember a few times in the night where she messaged me that she missed me and loved me so much and wished I was there right now--she said she was scared. Throughout this month however, she would often bring up doubts in the relationship, seemingly trying to push me away. Of course I became worried and constantly anxious, unable to sleep over this. On top of worrying about her every day, now i was worried about the relationship. But I helped her as much as I could: I got her through her school work, and did some of the group projects for her without confronting her--I did everything I could. A week before her grandfather passed, she said we needed to talk. She said she had lost feelings for me and that it wasn't fair for her to pull me along. I asked her if this was personal or because the situation; she said she didn't know. I asked if I should move on or if she saw a future between us--again, she had no answer. Everything was very confusing, and I felt left in uncertainty. We both stayed close friends, and talked a few times. I continued to help her with school work, and I also gave her some resources on grief and how it effects relationships--she read them all. She talked to her parents about it, and all she told me was that they said I was a good guy. She talked to friend about it as well. She appears to be trying to figure it out, which is a good sign. Fast forward a week ago, and I told her we needed to clear up some uncertainty ( 3 weeks separated, 2 weeks after death). I told her I need to know our status as of now, and whether she saw a future. It might have been selfish, but the uncertainty was killing me and it felt like she was giving mixed signals. She said the same thing: she didn't have feelings for me right now, and doesn't know if its personal or because of the grief--that was impossible to distinguish for her and it just wasn't fair to string me along in case they don't come back. She was crying and said she couldn't handle a relationship right now, but that she did say there was no reason why she wouldn't want to be with me. She was a bit upset with me for pressuring her; she said that just because she seemed happy in our friend group, she was still deeply hurt over what had happened. But she soon came to understand how uncertain everything was for me, and we ended the call on good terms, even with some giggles here and there. This was over a video call, and if I'm being honest, she did not look well--it kind of scared me honestly. Anyways, we both agreed to meet in the future, be it 1, 2, 3 months, to talk about about the relationship again even if that just means closure. She said I would always be dear to her for all I did for her and her family, and I'm always welcome in her home. I think I'm healing well so far, but I'm sure I'm holding onto hope and delaying some of the grieving I will feel if it doesn't work

Hey Cody, I actually did read a large chunk of your forum post a few days ago--I'm sorry to hear of your situation, but glad you are healing. I'll probably read more of it, and make a my own forum post later today. Me and her seem to be very close still, but yeah, she knows I still love her and I told her I can't be much a friend, but she often comes off as "too" friendly towards me. It for sure fuels that anxiety and questioning you mentioned. But we can continue this chat in the forum when I get to it, and I'll have an answer to if she says yes/no to the movie proposition.

Also, to Kayc, I've been reading many of your posts even going back many years, I appreciate how much time you have put into responding to peoples posts. If you have some advise, or if my situation seems more hopeful than others, I appreciate any advise regarding how to proceed. To me it seems that my situation is different that the others I have read: we both stayed close, and she is willing to try to repair the relationship. I feel that she made the decision she did because she doesn't understand the effect that grief can have--she has a small family and never experienced grief before. She also expressed that she feels she has to be with her family, as her father is not handling it well and they are very close. The people around me seem to think that she has only so much emotional capacity, and that she had to make a choice between me and them; but I just feel confused and unsure. I often feel resentment because these two months have been the worst of my life, and I put so much effort into helping her; and of course, the result is having to deal my own grief of my first love.