Pat R

Again, thank you to everyone who takes the time to read, respond and pass on your words of wisdom.  If there is one thing that I have learned in my 64 years, it is to listen to others who have been down the road I am traveling.  

The words you give to me sting and they hurt, but I know they are coming to me with love.  So... thank you all so much.

Pat

I just saw a couple of pictures of my Rhonda that were sent to me for approval for the funeral... I just lost it and cant settle down.  My God it hurts worse than it ever has.  I just don't know what to do.  It is just so hard.

Thank you to everyone. 

I am sure that everyone has thought this, but I pray all the time for the lord to just come and get me.  I am just so tired of the pain, the sorrow, the emptiness, the cancelled dreams, the hurt, the loneliness, I miss her so bad, and I am just so tired of being emotional.

5 hours ago, kayc said:

Pat, how are your dogs handling their grief?  It took my daughter to point out to me that our Lucky (dog) was grieving after my George died.  I was so in shock with my own grief I couldn't see anything!  
Grieving Pet

My Golden misses her but he is my boy.  The two little dogs are depressed for sure.  I give them a lot of love and attention, but then it hurts because they were her dogs and I see her when i look at them.  It is hard.

23 hours ago, Marg M said:

The only words we can say are "I'm so sorry" and we mean them.  As to the other words people say to you, you really do learn to shut them out.  They mean well.  You feel half a person, and Pat, I have not found the other half that helped provide my love for people.  My great granddaughter is coming this summer.  Billy would be thrilled.  Billy is not here.  I am not thrilled.  I feel I will act appropriately, but she will feel half the love I have to give.  I have some resentment.  Billy never met her.  He should have.  Billy was total love for his children and his grandchildren and they had 100% of his time, love and energy.  I can only give 50%.  Six years in October.  I will never be enough, and I have not healed enough to give Billy's 100%.  You will handle it Pat.  You might not handle it like a whole person, because part of you is missing.  If you lost your legs, you would get a wheelchair.  As of going on six years, I still only have half a heart.  It happens sometimes.

Say the impossible happened and you married again.  My best friend did.  On their "honeymoon" he had a heart attack and she took care, very good care, of him for 12 to 14 years.  When he left, the time she did not allow herself to grieve her first husband, she now grieves both of them and at our age, she gets them confused.  I do not envy her.  I love her for my friend because while taking care of her second husband she let her own health go.  Now her hours are spent trying to live the best she can.  

I have no answers.  I still hurt.  I hope you are not one of those men that thinks tears are not to be shed.  Man, I lose half the sodium in my body even at dog food commercials.  Let the tears wash out.  It is sometimes a feeling of nothing but tears, sometimes you cry till you can't breathe, sometimes it provides a small fraction of help.  And talk to her, just as if she was still here.  Who knows, she might be right beside you.  

Thank you for these words.  I shed way to many tears for sure.  Today I had to go out and do yardwork and it was so very hard because we always did it together.  I cried the whole time and hated being out there alone.  I just hurt so bad because I used to maintain the house in perfect shape because I wanted her to be proud to come home to our home...  Now, I have no reason to do so.

When I read all these testaments from all of you it helps because I know that I am not alone. The pain is still unbearable, and I get all sorts of other people saying that things will eventually turn around and I will find happiness someday, but those people go home to their homes filled with happiness, laughter, love, and peace.

I walk into a house with three wonderful dogs.  But two of them are Rhonda's dogs who are depressed because they cant find her.  My house is deadly quiet and her chair sits empty.  Unless a person has gone through this the words they give are just empty to me.  

Thank you for the words, I know that you know how much they mean because I am sure that each one of you started just the way I have.

It helps to bare my soul here, but the pain seems to increase every day and I don't know if I can handle it.

13 hours ago, Marg M said:

Pat, in 1970, I typed a young woman and her husband, the patient.  I typed where the doctors came in and she was holding her husband like a baby and he was gone.  It hit me so hard, if that happened to me and Billy, I would do the same.  Ahead 35 years later, my husband of 54 years reached both arms out for me.  I knocked his arms down and said "NO!!!" I was not going to let him leave.  He had to listen to me.  We, at 54 years, had fought my cancer, his artery stenosis and stents, his stroking out from high blood pressure, and the year before my colon rupture with overall sepsis from all the radiation I had received in 1982.  They didn't tell me I was supposed to die.  No one spoke it around me, yet the pain I went through when I got home, could not take pain pills, so I walked our dead end street back and forth to allay the pain.  I would look up and he was at the door watching my every step.  I was supposed to die.  And now, he was telling me he had to go. NO!!!!  I was not letting him.  I was not holding him his last breath, I hit his arms down.  NO!!!!  We had been through too much to give up now.  We had things we still wanted to do, a new RV.  This time he didn't listen to me, he left.  In my messed up mind I counted out 50 morphine pills.  I would take the truck up into the Big Muddy Wilderness.  No one came except in hunting season.  I would drive down a hidden road and just wait to die.  I would go sit by a tree so my kids would not have to see me.  The animals would take care of the rest.  They somehow knew and now I was under the wrath of my two middle aged kids.  What could I do????

Three days later I wrote to this group.  They saved my life.  Does misery love company?  Well, it must, because they experienced everything you did, I did, and others did.  It is not an instant cure.  We never "cure" and time does not heal all wounds.  Rose Kennedy said eventually you develop scar tissue.  Pat, it took me 2-3 years before I saw the leaves in the spring and the flowers and still, Billy could not see them with me.  I read books of recent widows and widowers.  Martin Short's book helped me the most.  You see, I still talk to Billy.  My granddaughter says he won't answer me because it would scare me to death.  He answers my heart.  You have lost half your person.  You talk to that person.  Talk to her in Walmart, talk to her driving down the road, talk to her in church.  If you feel you have lost faith, well, I wear a necklace of a mustard seed because my faith seems that small most of the time.  You have seen too much.  You have hurt too much, and I'm afraid that film will replay until you can tamp it down.  Billy will be gone six years in October.  I almost hear him come through the door all the time.  Nothing is too weird.  One giant pillow-sham has his every day clothes in it.  It sleeps on one side of my bed.  His wooden urn has a note taped to it that he wrote in red Sharpie that says "LOVE YOU, BE BACK BY NOON" and it still gives me pause.  He had gone fishing.  

It does not quit hurting, ever, but you will develop scar tissue in time.  You won't forget, but the horror can be kept in the background, unless you bring it to the forefront.  Don't.  It is still there.  I screamed into a pillow and it hurt my head.  Won't do that again.  I cried so hard, and I cry at everything, but some crying leaves you breathless, and you think, it would just be so painless not to breathe.  

Keep reading.  Marty has help for you.  My heart is with you Pat.  It gets tolerable, that is the best I can say.  You do learn to breathe again, whether you want to or not.  And, you do have your family, although sometimes that does not seem enough, it will be.  

Thank you to everyone who has responded here.  Your words all ring so true, especially because you have been through it.  I just don't know what to do anymore.  The grief seems to just come and envelope me like a blanket collapsing on me.  I am so lonely right now and have no one to talk to.  I have always thought I had a deep faith in God, people say God has a plan,  now I am just really angry with Him.

People say this is part of His plan...  well that plan really sucks.

On 10/10/2020 at 10:01 AM, nashreed said:

Oh, people stopped caring about how I'm doing way before even 5 months. Not that I have many people in my life. I'm just getting through day by day.

I am just getting started with the loss of my wife two weeks ago.  I am sad that people may stop caring about me way before 5 months... but I can certainly see it happening.

6 minutes ago, widow'15 said:

Pat R:  Of course you don't know what to do since losing your dear wife, Rhonda.  Your story of her illness and treatments had to be so difficult for her, you and your family.  I wish there were not a reason for you to join this forum, but hopefully you will find some solace from members here as you begin this pathway of grief.   I found this Grief Forum after losing my husband after 50+ years of marriage..... soon to be six years ago.  The one piece of advice I chose to follow is to take one day at a time.  I am still trying to get used to my husband not being here with me.   Keeping you in my thoughts.  Dee

Thank you, I am so sorry for your loss after 50 years.  Rhonda and I always talked about how wonderful 50 years would be.  One thing that I appreciate here is that those who respond have been through this horror that I am in now.  So, when I read things that others say, it means something to me.

I am tired of all the cards and well wishers, including my own kids saying to be strong.  I played and coached football for over 40 years, I was plenty tough mentally... but all the mental strength in the world does not get me through this pain.

Thank you.  My entire world has been turned upside down.  Every 5 minutes it seems like something about her pops up and I realize that I will never see her again.  It just feels completely overwhelming and I don't want to live any more.  Its just too painful.  I also have been a very private man who dedicated his life to his wife and four kids.  So, I know a lot of people, but have no friends to talk to, or who could come stay with me.

I just don't know how to get through this, or do I just resign and give up...

Man life can be so hard sometimes

My name is Pat I am 64 years old, I live in Montana, and two weeks ago today, I lost my wife of 42 years.  Rhonda was an amazing woman who married me when she was 17 years old.  She was simply beautiful, but never acted like it.  She was fun, athletic, goofy, serious, religious, and kept me in line all those years.  I thanked God every day for allowing me to have such an incredible wife.

Together we raised four very successful children who became solid members of society and we ended up with 11 grandchildren so far. 

Rhonda was always a very healthy person… until last June when she developed a cough and it took a long time to go away.  The cough returned last November, and after extensive testing she was diagnosed with MDS Blood Cancer.

Although our world was turned upside down, we were very optimistic because the Doctors at the University of Washington Cancer clinic said she was a perfect candidate for treatment. 

We arrived in Seattle for treatment early because she was experiencing a fever. The doctors wanted to deal with that ASAP.  As they took Rhonda away, she hugged me and began to deeply cry.  Rhonda was tough and very seldom ever cried.  It broke my heart.

Because of Covid and Leukemia protocol I was not allowed to see Rhonda in her room at all.  So, we relied on Face Timing each other.  For several weeks Rhonda was going through her Chemo treatments.  She was getting run down, but through Face Timing I spent many hours telling her to fight hard because we were going to win the war.

After the first round of Chemo was complete the Doctors started a trial Chemo on her in pill form.  Rhonda was allowed to come home for rehab after the chemo.  I picked her up and things were going very well.  She was paying bills and getting ready to show me how to do it during second round of Chemo when she went back into the hospital.

She was having a hard time taking her pills and eating, but we were happy and very optimistic.  We had no doubts that we were going to beat Cancer.  The third day Rhonda was home she developed a temperature of 102.  We called the clinic and were directed to take her to the emergency room right then, and they would call ahead and make sure they were ready.

We arrived at the ER, they did not know anything.  My wife was sitting in the waiting area as I tried to call the clinic, the walls were too thick for my cell phone so I told my wife I was going to step outside and make the call.  I did and returned less than two minutes later, they had taken my wife and that was the last time I saw her conscious in person.

She was taken up to the Leukemia floor and they began a regiment of treatment to get rid of the fever.  We were told as soon as she was without a fever for two days she could come home again.  We were optimistic because she was such a fighter.

About 3-4 days later I was with my son and his wife at the store 5 minutes away from the hospital and I got a call from one of her many doctors.  I was excited, thinking all right she gets to come home.  (We had just Face Timed about two hours before) She had told me she was tired and didn’t feel really well so she was going to take a nap.

The Doctor told me that they found her unresponsive in her bed but were able to revive her after 11 minutes.  The shock and disbelief of what I was hearing about the love of my life simply brought me to my knees.  My love, my wife had died and they brought her back.

We rushed to the hospital and were taken to the ICU room she was in.  It was awful, she was not conscious and was hooked up to partial life support.  After several days of testing and evaluation I met with the doctors and they informed me that the was no brain activity and wanted to discuss what Rhonda would have wanted.

I made the decision and the breathing assistor was removed.  I stayed by Rhonda’s side for two and a half days as her body fought to stay alive.  It was awful because I wanted her to go to heaven.  During those two days I was alone with Rhonda, but I offered the opportunity for all friends and family members to talk to Rhonda by speaker phone.  Many-many people did so.  I do believe that she did hear them all. And it was wonderful for all her family and friends to say goodbye to her.

I watched the love of my life take her last breath.  Although I am glad I was with her till the end, I am still filled with so much grief that I truly do not want to live any more.  The pain, sadness, and loneliness is so overwhelming I don’t know what to do.  I have always been a very private man who dedicated himself to his wife and family so although I know a lot of people, I have no true friends.  My wife was my life.  We had big plans to travel and see all the kids…  That is now gone.

I simply don't know what to do.