awsun - Like-minded people will completely understand you and what you went through. To speak to anyone else who is not like-minded is to risk not being understood especially when it comes to one's love for animals. If you want to find your way out of this, may I suggest(having, unfortunately, gone through similar situations myself) that you have to move forward. Staying where you are is not only paralyzing, it's counter-productive. No one can do anything about the past and the future hasn't happened yet. The only thing a person can do something about is the present. See where you are at now and where you want to be, do and have. You are spinning your wheels if you stay in the past and the only thing that can come from that is nothing. You can't change what happened and it may make you blind to possibilities before you.
The thing is, animals are able to reincarnate back to this earth and the people who loved them. It is not to say that it will happen in your case, but if there was a strong bond between you, death has no power to break that bond. It transcends time. It transcends this earth. It is up to an animal if they want to return and if they want to return back to the person they were with. There are some reputable animal communicators who specialize in this and can even facilitate when and where that will happen if the animal agrees to return, however, it's not imperative to get one. Many have done it on their own quite effectively. May I suggest, if this is something you may consider, to just start doing a simple search on "pet reincarnation" and "animal reincarnation" and start reading. There are articles by animal communicators and there are testimonials by people where it happened for them. Then start looking ahead for when and where that could happen for you and your cat. If that is what you want to happen. He can't return to you in the future if you're stuck in the past in grief and recrimination.
Here's a couple to get you started:
http://www.annettebetcher.com/10p3.shtml
https://drfoxonehealth.com/post/animal-spirits-companion-animal-communications-after-death/
https://animalsinourhearts.com/74-store/products/107-thoughts-and-resources-about-reincarnation-reunions.html
