Elizabethr7360

You wrote: There is no one to reflect myself back to me. I live in an empty soundless cave. I'm not the most important person to ANYONE any more. And as a widow, I feel broken. I'm no longer part of a functioning unit. I don't fit in anywhere. I didn’t get a chance to marry John as COVID took him on August 14th. But what you write is so true. I still follow our routines but it’s just me now. I don’t dream of him because I’m on Temazepam to sleep still. I barely function by writing lists. I’m done raging at everyone close to me and everyone close to him. He lived in England and they lifted the restrictions within days of his condition plummeting. I had much saved to bring him over this year, to marry, etc so I arrived the day the restrictions were gone, traveled from London to Southampton General Hospital only to be told I couldn’t enter his room. I stood outside his window and we talked on the phone looking at each other when he wasn’t wearing the full CPAP BiPAP mask. Eventually I gave enough Hollywood grade performances to patient liaisons and nurses to get snuck in and was able to see him twice in person, just to clip his nails, hold his hands, encourage him to eat something, anything. He started crying the moment I entered his room. I’ve been haunted by how wasted away his body became. From diagnosis to death - 29 days. I have a son with autism I had to return to. We were still hoping for a recovery. He died 6 days after I returned. I couldn’t manage to go back for the funeral or even to watch. Everything I cared so much for is gone. Life feels like so much sawdust and pain. Anyway. I know this isn’t a very uplifting response. But it is the loneliest sadness I’ve ever experienced. I’m meant to be writing my dissertation for a PhD I started because of him. I can’t even read a book. I’m so sorry you lost your husband. xxx Elizabeth