Elizabethr7360

How lovely about the rainbows. The day before he died, we were busy texting oblivious to the obvious

Well this is the first page of Fox & I and I think it has helped me in terms of the “journey” 🌈🦊💙

Hi, Sheemie. I too lost the love of my life to Covid back in August. It’s a long story but he was in the UK, I’m in the states. I was able to go over August 1st when they lifted restrictions - it took a week standing outside his window while we talked on our phones, crying to the nurses, crying at patient liaisons etc etc to gain entry and truly I think they just snuck me in when the matron of the ward had a day off. I understand your devastation. John was my very best friend, my biggest cheerleader, my lover, my heart, my reason, and my future. If only in my mind now, he still is and always will be. His last message to me before slipping into a coma and dying the following day (he died 6 days after I returned to the states) read “I wish I could be with you and kissing your beautiful face.” You must be in shock right now. Little by little your mind will let you take more control of what has happened. I’m so sorry. He will always, always be yours. And he’ll always love you. Don’t lose sight of that as you struggle through this. xxx Elizabeth

Kayc - what an extraordinary story about how you and George connected. Absolutely marvelous!

I’m so glad Asperger’s was mentioned as my son is the same about phones / communication. It’s very beautiful really your story about Annette. And the hurt of the phone. I always seem to have started my love affairs from a distance. Writing letters at first as I’m 48 so back in my teens long distance calls were expensive. Then with my person it was through text/voice/pictures etc when we weren’t together. It is very sad isn’t it when your phone is suddenly a lonely place. I feel it most in the mornings. I’d wake up and the first thing I’d do is reach for my phone to see what he’d written and say hello before kid/cat then a longish morning chat over coffee. It’s what makes this whole thing feel particularly vicious upon waking but anyone in this particular subtopic of the group knows this pain. I’m sorry you’ve lost connection with people through the phone and I am thinking you will stumble on more of one kind or another not an Annette but if it’s your way of building a foundation to a friendship, you will build more. Much love and warmth to you.

I want to tell you I do the same with John. Through WhatsApp - his phone was disconnected but we have years of texts on WhatsApp because he lived in England and I live in the US. John had some lung problems and contracted Covid in July and died August 14 after a very traumatic stay in the hospital. The UK lifted travel restrictions on August 1st and I traveled over to be with him. I focused on fighting the hospital to get in to a Covid ward. I eventually won my way in to see him twice. He was ravaged but beautiful as always. And conscious as his lungs were too fragile for a ventilator so they did the CPAP / BIPAP treatment. This has been a hard month in its own way as i was meant to be setting up a new home for us (we were in love a little over 6 years) and he was coming over in January. I’m still devastated. Like you it is like losing your reason. I have no regrets - he never did anything to hurt me except die. I did nothing to hurt him. What’s unresolved is the future. I was meant to be defending for a doctorate next month. I can’t even look at it let alone finish writing it. I can function. I can’t care. I didn’t go over for his funeral as he had divorced his wife for me years ago yet she took over as the widow with an elaborate romantic eulogy etc - it would have been horrifying to be there. I’ve finally managed to push her out of my life. It’s nice not to be jabbed at daily but now there is exactly no distraction from the incredible emptiness of living now. I am in an in person grief recovery program now but recovery seems somehow useless. This money spent on staying upright as I have a son with autism was all saved to marry him. Now I get to spend it on grief recovery. It’s hideous. It hurts. And I don’t know except you have to find a way to direct all that love you had for him to yourself. They thought we were worth it. I’m so sorry you lost him. I’m so sorry you can relate to us. It just sucks. elizabeth

I love you talk about her as home, Jim. Talking Heads has that great song This must be the place. (Home) in my best moments I think of John as part of a universe that cradles the earth and me with it. It’s hard to get myself up to speed with the level of work I’m meant to be doing, but I have noticed I have less tolerance for pretense - I just say a thing now. I’d I’m hurt by something I just state it. It’s funny how the last straw - like it means you can openly love the person you love and also just be like well whatever this whatever (mustn’t curse) about the rest. I hope we find our soulmates when we are allowed to lie down and rest. I really do. I know how earnest you are and I live there too. I almost feel like now it’s about being so gentle I’m allowed to meet this most gentle man in my life again in whatever form. Sleep well. It’s utterly heartbreaking. xxx Elizabeth

Well, I brought her the flowers and she is a lovely woman with a 3 month old tuxedo kitten who I got to play with using John’s bracelet. Thank you to this group for helping me see outside myself!

I think some people just treasure themselves a lot more than others. Covid has been horrific. I’m glad you wrote this because an elderly woman moved in across the street in 2020 and I never baked her cookies or anything bc no one wanted to touch anything. I’m going to buy a roast chicken later for my cat 😂 at a nice place that sells really pretty orchids. I shall buy her one as a late welcome. My own mother put her husband in a nursing home bc she couldn’t cope with him - left it all up to his kids and has me send him things. It’s just ridiculous. She said she thought of going to confession but hadn’t done anything wrong lately - 😂😂😂 - I’m like let me run compile a list that begins with elder abuse. But really some people are truly blind to the hurt of others even those they’ve directly wounded. It’s an eye-opener, grief. elizabeth

That’s pretty much what has happened to me the last couple days. Made any posts about him during and after his death private on social media, blocked anyone who could even remotely hurt me, and then deactivated all accounts. And I do feel like I’m moving from crazy anxiety outbursts of god knows what to just a classic shutdown depression. I have a therapist. I have a son who needs me who I’m looking after a darling cat a home to keep up with grading a billion things day by day as I teach online. But people are too much. It’s like he took everyone with him. I am the only one now. That is the thing that keeps moving through. I don’t even ascertain any pieces to pick up. It’s just over. It’s helpful that you wrote what you did because you described it so well. Hiding and lying. Why add anymore hurt on top of hurt. Thank you.

I just have to respond to this post as it set me crying very much - I am very sorry people can be so hurtful especially when we are so hurt already. I would love to see your DVD. I think it’s beautiful you made it. My own family just two months of losing John are like well now enough carrying on about this. You feel so isolated and sad. And having other people act so cold makes me almost feel like I should leave him alone too - that I’m a bother to someone not even here!! Anyway i love what you’ve written and what you e done for your wife so much. She would have and no doubt somewhere does. Thank you for sharing this painful but beautiful story. elizabeth

In terms of losing “stuff” I hear you, Kieron. Because John was in England when he passed, and I had not long got back, it was up to his family to gather his things from the hospital and his ex to empty his flat. Many of the things I treasured that I gave to him never made their way to America. The things that did are immensely treasured and tucked away carefully with things from him and things I’d purchased for our future home this fall. Now, in fact. His ex-wife had put what she found in a box and given the box to his family who then took it upon themselves to empty and further things went missing. It just hurts because they were gifts from me and meant a lot. When I asked, I got no response. The trip over when he was sick wiped me out so much financially and emotionally, I’ve just had to make do with it. The things can’t bring him back, but they are kinder reminders of the real love between us. As in the Little Prince, he was my fox and I was his rose. So a certain treasure will float through my mind at night and leave me feeling wretched until I assume my more adult self yet again. I got back one particular framed picture he kept at his bedside. Me at about age 5 at my first dance. But scarves jackets things of value - zip. It does add salt to the wound. And is my version of something to “let go.” elizabeth

“For me I wish they'd remove June 19 from the calendar but they'd have toremove Father's Day too as it fell on it that year.“ Father’s Day will be awful this year as that was our “anniversary,” the day a silly Englishman in his 50s appeared in my life with “Fancy a chat?” I of course took to the hills but slowly wandered back and said hello and we never stopped talking since. Until August 14. He was beautiful to me to the last. The last thing he said to me was “I wish I could be kissing Your beautiful face.” I have no reason to doubt him. He always felt part man part child to me. His absolute excitement in the cab to our hotel in NYC. Pure joy writ across his face. He died on a Saturday afternoon. His last name was Munday. Imagine Dragons came out with two songs immediately following his death “Wrecked” (about loss) and “My Monday” and how this person was the best day of the singer’s week. It’s a terrible thing when people say “Happy Monday” to me now. It was uncanny and as they are popular with younger people, play on the radio all the time. I am really sorry too about today Marg. I hope you are very gentle and kind with yourself today. I find myself buying things like stuffed foxes and children’s books about like cat heaven. We had matching fox tattoos on our wrists as he grew up a Leicester City football fan. Their mascot is a fox. Hence his nickname I had for him - Foxy. Here’s a funny story that makes me wonder about reality and how it all works. When his ring and watch lock of hair robe etc etc were mailed to me, his watch had stopped. I’d given it to him. It’s a lovely watch, and, yes, I’ve been wearing it. And out of nowhere a couple days ago it kicked back in and started working. It is exactly the time difference between us (The US and England) 5 hours on the watch. Isn’t that clever? Happy Sunday to you all and much love and grace. xxx

I did almost! 😂 I went to patient liaisons oh it’s such a crazy story but I do know I loved him to pieces no one could replace the craziness of the love I had for him in the end the nurses snuck me in - twice - into the Covid ward. And yes I know jealousy is a weird thing to feel and I think I just haven’t accepted he’s gone and so the usual dramas that were always silly and unfounded are gone too. Too much crying today but alas it’s Saturday. And yes I guess jealousy is an easy way to get mad at him because it was the only way he ever got upset with me so I’m fighting fire with fire and can’t cope sometimes that we loved each other so much and time ran out. But with so much left for me though! Aghhhhh

Believe me I feel your pain. I found in John’s notebook grocery lists that made no sense but then realized they were mine - he wrote down all what I needed so we could keep chatting on the phone and I wouldn’t forget anything. We were separated by Covid - he lived in England I in the US - I get so many email notices from ASDA Parsley Box all these places I would send him goodies from during their lockdown to make sure he didn’t go out and get sick. It’s just so sad. It really is bearing the unbearable. I lost the person I loved giving to the most. I’m so sorry you’re doing the “firsts”

Thanks for your reply. I just didn’t expect jealousy to enter the picture. Or to somehow feel like he dumped me rather than the true fact that he died desperately wanting to live. It’s funny because he was the one who usually fell into a jealous fit not me - even in the last few days he’d be accusing me of having found someone better and I’d be like I’m just sitting here listening to Kate Bush bawling my head off what are you even on about. So it’s been very disconcerting because of course he’s not here to take it away. I guess you just let it wash over you like all the other feelings and know it’ll recede again. I just didn’t know if anyone had this happen because I don’t typically see it on any lists of “what to expect in grief.” Thanks for underlining how irrational the whole process is xxx

Hi, I just wondered if anyone else here has experienced this. Well, two things. It’s been 2 months since I lost John. And so I am at that point where I write lists of things to do and invariably scratch off everything on it and start another. I have found that when I get too much done, I pay for it with worse pain. Like yesterday, I did a bunch of practical crap and went to the bank for a new bank card went to the dry cleaners went to UPS to exchange out phone and took my son to the library. When I got home, within ten minutes I was weeping in my closet hanging on to his robe which Covid had him sweating out in for a week before being hospitalized. Or I’ll have a good day of good memories then stumble on a post he put up long before he was with me on Facebook that will be like lyrics to a song and banter with someone else that I thought was a song like that was only for me and that sends me into an absolute spiral of this feeling that he didn’t die - he left me. Like I had such a feeling of being summarily dumped when he went into the respiratory unit for the noninvasive treatment - his lungs were too damaged from earlier sarcoidosis to be ventilated. So I run this gamut of knowing how deeply he loved me to feeling like he didn’t love me at all. Now I have two phones of his that I don’t even know if I should look at because of the possibility of stumbling on something that ordinarily would be laughed off but now I would probably blow right out of proportion. And there’s so much of us on those phones but I think having them live in their little iPhone boxes is the best thing. I guess my question here is does anyone feel like death is akin to some kind of unexpected nightmare breakup? It’s one of the worst feelings and comes from either nowhere or some silly throwaway thing. I work it away like resume being rational and then it’s all over me once again. It’s just the suddenness of it all in part, I guess, just a 29 day oh it’s just a slight fever and you’re double vaccinated to oh your in the hospital but this is good they’ll let you rest and look after you to oh your in a high support unit to oh you’ve died. I’m going on a bit here but this is one aspect of grief that I find like insult on top of injury, like salt in the wound. I never questioned his love before. Now it’s like a frequent meltdown around it. Elizabeth

It’s really appalling. At least it makes you very empathic to others who are going through rough times. John’s father died when he was 9 and it wasn’t until a stretch of time in 2018 that I started asking more and more questions and he was remembering and telling me things he’d long forgotten - when people don’t talk to you, or encourage you to talk, they leave you with this burden. He’d been carrying it around his whole life, this unspoken grief. I felt when he died and it makes me cry to write it is that the one of the things I did deeply honor and treasure about him but could never truly know, he taught me in the end by slipping away. So I’ve experienced part of the core of who he was. He was the most gentle, kind person to so many people. A true blue good person. Okay enough crying I’m meant to be crossing things off my “look at me function list” e

I haven’t dreamt of John at all. I dreamt of talking to one of his nurses early on, but that’s it. His kids and friends dream of him. I think it’s partly the temazepam and partly…like John lost his dad at 9 and it was exceedingly rare he’d dream of him - I only remember one occasion. He was very upset by it. I think when you’re really raw, and I suspect we remain raw with certain kinds of hurts, then not dreaming of the person is self-protective. It’s hard enough waking up at all. I do feel they have funny ways of reaching us, however. Like I’ve been wearing his watch and it had stopped working. All of a sudden it started up again yesterday with the exact time difference between us - 5 hours later than me. Marveled at that honestly. xxx

Yes I did sent links etc earlier I think she’s gone now thankfully - his eldest remains in touch but obviously this is not an issue. I was just in the thick of it there and seems I’ve managed to push it off and get on with a less complicated (my own) sadness. This whole thing sucks. I am entertaining thoughts of getting through my dissertation so that has to be a good sign. It all just hurts as anyone on here knows. Thank you for giving so much of yourself to this Kayc. Most people don’t touch us with a ten foot pole. xxx

Absolutely would never say anything against his daughter’s mum to her. She’s got enough to cope with! I’ve told his exwife before “I really don’t want to know this and this wasn’t something that happened during my time with him and isn’t any of my business given he didn’t choose to share it.” I think she’s still angry as he split with her many years ago to be with me and this is an attempt to try to take down our love a bit. It’s complicated by the fact I knew his kids and the eldest has been leaning on me some. They’re not in a good situation but there’s very little I can do if anything at all except be kind a stretch then bow out gracefully. She was having a go at me yesterday for having had a chance to see him in the hospital but the children didn’t. But that had nothing to do with me. So it is just another guilt trip. He chose not to have them visit towards the end because he was too weak and thought it would be better to see them when he was stronger. She’s very upset by that and it comes into the conversation a lot as something I should be at fault for so I finally just told her yesterday that I felt this hurt around that was part of the bargaining process of grief, like “if only I had seen him once more and said goodbye, I would feel better and be okay” and I said it really would just be another thing if it wasn’t that. I said she was kind to him to respect his wishes. Then talked about getting the kids grief counseling again and parked it there. I think that set her back as she has stayed away since. There’s just a lot of hurt to go around. I was at my wit’s end posting the above as I’d forgotten the sleep sedative and was shaky yesterday and sifting through the more ridiculous things I’ve been made privy to. Goes with the territory. If it doesn’t stop, I’ll just have to end all contact cuz it’s too much to carry with what I already feel. A good night’s sleep has helped a good deal today. Thank you for trying to make sense of my rant 😅

Obviously the adult thing to do is to just say. It does feel like all this stuff happening to you when you weren’t asking to be a jerk to people!!!!

So here’s a thing - does anyone else have to work with a lover’s ex when he dies? This is ridiculous. I can’t just block her because he had three children too and the eldest reaches out a lot so if I block mom who says very dismantling things to me how do I not hurt him by upsetting his daughter more?? Quandary! Mainly because I forgot to take the temazepam and have been up Since two in the morning. I need peace on this one. Not sure how to do it because I’m also incredibly bereft and miss him. But I don’t want to know all about the things I didn’t know NOW. This just hurts.

Thank you so much. xxx