I lost my husband of 46 years in early April. And I know that I have a long road ahead of me, but I came into this forum because I desperately needed to know that someone else feels the same way I do. I have many casual friends, and am lucky to have two very close ones. And while we have gone through decades of life events together and they have always been there, I'm alone in this one. I've felt like I was on a deserted island and no one could really see me. The emotions are SO MUCH more complicated than I ever imagined. And I did imagine, because my husband was sick off and on for 25 years. So I was preparing. But I had no idea what I was preparing for.
My husband was a talker and told wonderful and funny stories about his cowboy days and his childhood and he even made his trip to the grocery store into a humorous anecdote. And now the house is SO STILL. And I'm not laughing every day. The silence is thick and oppressive. Thank goodness for the tv and radio but I'm sick of needing them. His energy that lifted me up and led me to the next tractor to rebuild, or meal to cook, or trip to take is gone. Can I lift myself up? I have been, but I'm a little afraid that one day, I won't be able to. And then where will I turn?
There is no one to reflect myself back to me. I live in an empty soundless cave. I'm not the most important person to ANYONE any more. And as a widow, I feel broken. I'm no longer part of a functioning unit. I don't fit in anywhere. And I'm tired of saying "I'm fine" when someone asks how I am because I can tell they don't REALLY want to know because they just don't know how to help. And I am so grateful when someone asks how I am and I can tell that they really DO want to know. And I tell them. Not the whole long tale, but I'm honest about how strange and foreign the world is without him. And how hard it is to talk about it because I don't always have words to describe this bizarre tilted world. How life feels surreal and crying is exhausting.
I want to talk about this. I want us all to talk about this. We just don't want to discuss death because it's too scary to think that we will be part of this cycle sometime. It's such a relief to not feel like I need to comfort others for a change. We're all suffering here and I feel sad for all of us. And I don't want all this suffering to be for nothing. So share your experiences. How does it feel to wake up from a nightmare and there is no one there to comfort you? What gets you back to sleep? What does your house feel like now that you're alone in it? How can you drive around the town you shared with him since you were both kids and not fall apart?
I sincerely want to get to a place where I'm OK. And I believe that it's possible because millions of ordinary people suffer this loss and most of them go on to live decent lives, even happy lives. And he would want that for me. That's a comfort. AND I don't feel this bereft every day. But it comes on suddenly, often when I come back home after being with friends. The quiet is staggering and the grief rises up and needs expression.
Thank you all for sharing your pain and vulnerability and giving me a place to share mine. It's comforting to know that we are not truly alone.
You wrote: There is no one to reflect myself back to me. I live in an empty soundless cave. I'm not the most important person to ANYONE any more. And as a widow, I feel broken. I'm no longer part of a functioning unit. I don't fit in anywhere.
I didn’t get a chance to marry John as COVID took him on August 14th. But what you write is so true. I still follow our routines but it’s just me now. I don’t dream of him because I’m on Temazepam to sleep still. I barely function by writing lists. I’m done raging at everyone close to me and everyone close to him. He lived in England and they lifted the restrictions within days of his condition plummeting. I had much saved to bring him over this year, to marry, etc so I arrived the day the restrictions were gone, traveled from London to Southampton General Hospital only to be told I couldn’t enter his room. I stood outside his window and we talked on the phone looking at each other when he wasn’t wearing the full CPAP BiPAP mask. Eventually I gave enough Hollywood grade performances to patient liaisons and nurses to get snuck in and was able to see him twice in person, just to clip his nails, hold his hands, encourage him to eat something, anything. He started crying the moment I entered his room. I’ve been haunted by how wasted away his body became. From diagnosis to death - 29 days. I have a son with autism I had to return to. We were still hoping for a recovery. He died 6 days after I returned. I couldn’t manage to go back for the funeral or even to watch. Everything I cared so much for is gone. Life feels like so much sawdust and pain. Anyway. I know this isn’t a very uplifting response. But it is the loneliest sadness I’ve ever experienced. I’m meant to be writing my dissertation for a PhD I started because of him. I can’t even read a book. I’m so sorry you lost your husband. xxx Elizabeth
How this loss feels
in Loss of a Spouse, Partner, or Significant Other
Posted
You wrote: There is no one to reflect myself back to me. I live in an empty soundless cave. I'm not the most important person to ANYONE any more. And as a widow, I feel broken. I'm no longer part of a functioning unit. I don't fit in anywhere.
I didn’t get a chance to marry John as COVID took him on August 14th. But what you write is so true. I still follow our routines but it’s just me now. I don’t dream of him because I’m on Temazepam to sleep still. I barely function by writing lists. I’m done raging at everyone close to me and everyone close to him. He lived in England and they lifted the restrictions within days of his condition plummeting. I had much saved to bring him over this year, to marry, etc so I arrived the day the restrictions were gone, traveled from London to Southampton General Hospital only to be told I couldn’t enter his room. I stood outside his window and we talked on the phone looking at each other when he wasn’t wearing the full CPAP BiPAP mask. Eventually I gave enough Hollywood grade performances to patient liaisons and nurses to get snuck in and was able to see him twice in person, just to clip his nails, hold his hands, encourage him to eat something, anything. He started crying the moment I entered his room. I’ve been haunted by how wasted away his body became. From diagnosis to death - 29 days. I have a son with autism I had to return to. We were still hoping for a recovery. He died 6 days after I returned. I couldn’t manage to go back for the funeral or even to watch. Everything I cared so much for is gone. Life feels like so much sawdust and pain. Anyway. I know this isn’t a very uplifting response. But it is the loneliest sadness I’ve ever experienced. I’m meant to be writing my dissertation for a PhD I started because of him. I can’t even read a book. I’m so sorry you lost your husband. xxx Elizabeth