AnnieO

I am so sorry for your loss. I am glad you posted here, keep posting. There are so many wonderful people here and it truly does help. This is a place where we want you to talk about your mom! Tell us more about her...

My mom was my best friend too . Although she did not live with me, I took care of her everday in the last 1 1/2 years of her life so I can understand a little bit about your feelings. Its been 2 years now and none of my friends ever mention my parents , so this site has been life-saving. I think my friends think it will make me sad if we talk about them...quite the opposite. So, please know this is a safe, caring site , you are not alone.

JR,

I am at a very low spot again so I am sorry I don't have something to say that might help. I just wanted you to know I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and take good care of yourself. Although you are far from home and your loved ones..you are not alone.

Rosanne

Just wanted to let you know you are in my thoughts.

It was a very bittersweet week-end for my family. My son graduated from h.s and while we were so happy for him and working hard to make it a fun week-end, I know everyone was thinking about my parents and wishing they were here.

Take care of yourself.

Hello Rosanne,

I am so sorry about your dad. I know this is such a sad and lonely time. Its so tough to feel like an orphan, at any age. What an amazing story about your daughter. So, on your dad's b-day you will hear a new heart-beat, a new life. That is so powerful. I miss my parents so much but so often, feel them all around me. I am sure they will be with your daughter when she hears her child's heartbeat. I am glad you posting again.

I was just cleaning out a desk drawer and found a card that a friend had sent me during my mom's illness.....I never opened it until now. This is what was in the card.

"When the world says to give up, hope whispers...try one more time". I think I will keep this in my head and think about it on the really hard days when I am so down .

Cubby,

I believe it was your mom in your dream. I remember the first one I had like that...it was amazing. Hope you have a good night.

Hello,

I have a older brother that lives in another state. You would think we would be closer and understand eachother's pain but it seems to be causing us to drift apart. Mother's day was of course hard, but easier than last year. Everyday I still have moments where I think of something I want to tell my mom and think of just picking up the phone and calling her, and then I remember. I have decided I will never "get over this" , I just have to get used to it and I hate it. Somedays it seems like just yesterday that she died and somedays its seems so long ago. For a while I was having such wonderful dreams, I believe they were dream visits...but now those have stopped. Yesterday was tough, I planted my window boxes and that was something my mom always helped me with, so betweeen the potting soil and tears, I was a mess. I wanted to tell you all of this because I don't think you are stuck, I think you are just grieving. My mom died in 2006 too and I am still struggling everyday. I hope you find some peace today.

I am sorry for your loss and that you are having such a hard time. I would suggest you email Marty T. right here on this site. She will be able to help you.

I am so sorry you are having such a hard, sad time. I am glad you found this site and keep posting it does help. Lots of wonderful people here and you are not alone.

My mom died Dec.06 and I still struggle everyday without her. Sure, I am doing alot better than I was 2 years ago, but its still very hard. Especially during the "special" times...Mother's Day, b-days..holidays. My son is graduating from highschool in a few weeks and wish my parents were going to be there with us. My dad died 10 months after my mom, so I understand when you say you have no connection to your past. Its very hard. I still don't have pictures out yet, just can't do that . And you are right, taking the step to post here ,is a step in the right direction and to start healing. You are in my thoughts.

Sounds like you are very familiar with the type of program I mentioned! Can I ask what the British Horse Society is? It sounds interesting!

We planted 2 trees in September and put my parents ashes in the ground with the trees. We had a hard and very long winter...I have been so worried about the new trees and was terrified they would'nt make it. I just walked up to check on the trees. I am amazed...they are over-loaded with new leaves, popping out everywhere. I can't explain the happiness and joy I felt. New growth after a long winter, it just filled me with hope.

Temmie,

As I read your post an idea popped into my head. I know you certainly don't need more on your "to do" list...but, when you mentioned you were a former horsewoman I started thinking....I volunteer at a theraputic riding program. This program provides riding lessons for children/adults with disabilities. Its such a great program, I have been amazed at how much all the volunteers look forward to their lesson nights. If there was a similar program near you it might be something to thnk about...you could get a horse "fix", meet some wonderful people, get a some exercise and give your time to some really great kids. Its a great reason to put your shoes on and get out of the house for a couple of hours. Just an idea.

I used to watch the Derby with my dad too, its just not the same. Take care of yourself.

I am so sorry about your mom. I know how hard this is. I am glad you found this site , Keep posting, it helps and there are so many wonderful people here.

I am glad you have good memories of your mom and your wedding, what special memories. Hopefully with time the memories like that will replace the memories of her illness and last moments. What a treasure you have with the baby blanket and I have no doubt your mom made sure you found it.

I collect snowglobes and my mom always gave me one every Xmas. She died Dec.7th. A few days after Xmas a box was delivered, inside was a snowglobe, my mom had ordered one before she died, as sick as she was, she didn't forget.

Again , I am so sorry about your mom. Please know you are not alone and I will keep you in my thoughts.

EM

I agree with Leeann. I don't want to seem cold or harsh...you seem determined to find a way to blame yourself for your dad's death. This had nothing to do with you. I had my mom at Mayo Clinic and a University Hospital, the best doctors in the country. They did 100's of tests on my mom for a year. They couldn't find what was causing her to be so sick, a year later , all it took was a simple blood test to find out why my mom was dying. I did the best that I could, with the info I had at the time. And so did you. None of what you are doing will change the fact that your dad is gone. You are torturing yourself. Do you have a grief therapist? I really think having one would be so helpful . I know your dad would not want you to continue this way, he wants you to heal. We all want you to .

Cubby,

You are not alone . I can relate to what you are going thru right now. My mom was my best friend, we too, saw eachother almost everyday. If we didn't see eachother we talked many times during the day. If I had errands to run, she would ride along, just for fun. We truly enjoyed eachother's company. I am slowly picking up the pcs of my broken heart. I have said this on other posts...its not that I have "closure"(hate that word). I have acceptance. I know I have to get use to my new "normal". I have no choice. I have a family and I want to honor my parents by living my life in the best way I can.

We sold my parent's house so I know what you mean about not having a home to go back too. Its hard. I hope the hospice group will be helpful. You will find joy and laughter again, it just takes time...take care of yourself.

My mom did did the same things. She would reach out to hug someone and smile. Then she opened her eyes and said, "oh, no, I am still here". I asked her who was with her and she said her sister. Her sister had died years ago. My mom looked so calm and happy when she was reaching out to her.

I am glad you have a special song.

Em,

I know it too, just like Leeann. With all my heart, I believe our loved ones are around us . I do not want to suggest you do this , its not for everyone and some people are very upset by it. I had a reading with a medium, I told NO-ONE, that I was doing this because I knew people would think I was crazy. I actually got the name of the medium from someone on this site. I researched the medium, and even crazier, signed up for a telephone reading. It felt like I was signing up for one of those "psychic hotlines". I won't go into all the details, but it was eveyrthing I hoped for. The medium sent me a tape of the reading. I never even opened the envelope, I don't need to hear it again. I don't think I will have another reading, I don't need one. I am not suggesting you do this, not at all. Just open your heart to the idea that our loved ones truly are around us.f

Leeann, Thanks for sharing your story. It gave me goosebumps . I am so glad you passed the message onto your friend. what a special feeling that must have been.

I understand how you are feeling right now. I think the "wanting to talk " to our loved ones , is such a painful part of this. The other day I was having a very sad day and wishing my parents were here, my husband said, "your mom and dad are with us today"...I just got angry and said, " I know they are here, but i want to TALK TO THEM! I want to hear their voices".

I love to read and always have. Even before my parents got sick , I read so many books on after-life, after death communications, angels...etc. What I took away from these books is that we all have guardian angels or spirit guides. This is just my own opinion, but I don't think these angels can protect us from illness, disease or sadness and pain. I think that in the cases where people see or feel angels and they are "saved" from accidents , etc...it wasn't their time to leave. I don't think an angel could protect you from the pain you are feeling, the pain comes from the love you have for your dad. I believe my parents are in a very good place, they are healthy and free of pain/illness. They are reunited with their loved ones that had gone before them. I have to believe that is where your dad is too. I am sorry you are in so much pain.

I wish I could tell you the things you want to hear but I can only tell you about my own grief experience. My mom died Dec.06, my dad died 10 months later. I am much better than I was that first year...I don't feel like my grief is gone, not at all. I have just learned how to live with this new normal. For me its not closure, its acceptance. I have accepted the fact that my parents are gone...I miss them every single day. The raw, unbearable pain has gone but the "missing them" pain is still with me, all the time. BUT, I live my life, I find joy, I laugh and have wonderful days. I honor my parents by living my life because that is what they want me to do. I have wonderful memories that slowly but surely are filling my broken heart. You will live a normal life again, it will just be a different normal. You will find a purpose and will have joy again in your life. Your mom is with you and she wants you to live, laugh and love .

Teny,

I am so sorry. I am holding you close to my heart this evening.

PL

I am so sorry for you loss. Your mom sounded like a very,very strong woman. I know this is such a sad and painful time for you. Please know you are not alone and will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Teny,

Happy Birthday! I hope your day is filled with family , love and happy memories. Annie

Boo,

Back to the "pearls of wisdom"...here's mine.

My parents died within 10 months of eachother. I had someone say to me, "well, at least you got it over with close together.Now you won't have to go thru losing them later or putting them in a nursing home, one at a time" . I too, had nothing to say in repsonse .

I think we are lucky that we were able to have such a close relationship with our moms. I think its a good idea to seek out a grief therapist when you need one. I had a wonderful one and it really helped. Take care

I am sorry your mom is sick. I don't really have any suggestions but wanted to tell you, you are not alone. This is a wonderful site, with caring people. I am not sure why you said you were "overly attached" to your mom. Is there such a thing? My mom died Dec 06. She was my best friend, my biggest cheerleader and loved me unconditionally. I can't speak for anyone else, but I can say for myself, I will never get over this, but it has gotten easier. Its more about acceptance and finding a new "normal". I have joy and happiness again in my life, but of course I think about my parents everyday. I still have grief bursts but they don't last as long. I think you should talk to your doctor about increasing your meds if you feel you need it. Take care of yourself and cherish each day you have with your mom, be sure to tell her all the things you want her to know. You will get thru this, it will be hard, but you will get thru it.