Sheemie

When my spouse passed from covid it was the most horror of my life. I could not have imagined it in my worst nightmare ever. The government gave hospital full control. I could not be there to hold his hand nothing. I paced back and forth day and night praying for a miracle. I had to watch him die through a glass and afterwards all I felt was a fog of fire and I just wanted to die too. My life was that man and I don't want anything else and it was stolen from me. Since his death I have learned that all anyone cares about as far as I am concerned is stuff and money. I don't even say I'm a widow because then they look at me like a piggy bank. At first I was pushed out of our home, then into an income based apartments which was like a jail, half way house. Now I'm living in the south by myself in a trailer wondering if my life will ever be normal again. I have been trying to go back to working and these jobs are just 100 percent using me for pay that makes me wonder if I have stepped back in time to the year 1999, complete slave labor. How much longer do I have to wander? How much longer am I going to punish myself? Will I ever feel normal again?

5 minutes ago, Sheemie said:

I moved away 10 years ago and my moving became a job the first few years I moved 5 or 6 times per year and I worked for the government. As a single person with a dog housing choices are lease your trapped in, expensive home rental with 7 roommates, which are strangers. I now live in rv in camper just to be monthly and not feel trapped if I decide to leave. My husband and I moved alot still due to job and stepchildren issues. Home was us together wherever we were. I may never stay in one place again because he is never going to be there anymore and I am trying to find something to love again. I am on the path I will not give up even though I don't stay anywhere anymore I am trying to find something that can help me not just see a world without my person anymore.

I am also trying to navigate going back to work or volunteering. The living situation adds to it. I worked with a homeless person recently who completely lived in their vehicle, staying in motel rooms sometimes. I cannot imagine how difficult that is. They can't bathe, use toilet, cook food, have anything. I watch nursing homes going out of business on news and we have this whole workforce that is homeless because of exorbitant rent

On 1/18/2023 at 5:50 AM, kayc said:

I don't believe in reincarnation but it's a nice thought when you lose a dog you love and the thought of him going into another dog's body and being there for you once again sounds nice but also sounds like a fairy tale, something for people to hang onto, but then I guess a lot of people think that about my faith/beliefs, so there you go.  Whatever we believe...

I watched a doctor video yesterday about how fast diabetes is growing, 1 in 2 now, and they don't know 100% for sure why, is it genetics, how we eat?  If purely how we eat, why can some eat whatever and not get it?  I think it's much more complicated than that, we can control it with diet yet sometimes it seems so elusive after all we do.  If genetics then it makes it sound like you're getting it no matter what, I don't think so, how come we didn't see this in the 1800s?  So many questions..I keep exploring this, maybe someday by the end of my life we'll know the answers...I keep searching.  I learn more about it every day.  Like about glucagon.

Sheemie, my heart goes out to you, how you want to go home...I am home but can't live here until I die.  Those who do have a son nearby that can help them.  I don't have anyone.  This is harsh country, yet I've lived here 46 years this year.

 

I moved away 10 years ago and my moving became a job the first few years I moved 5 or 6 times per year and I worked for the government. As a single person with a dog housing choices are lease your trapped in, expensive home rental with 7 roommates, which are strangers. I now live in rv in camper just to be monthly and not feel trapped if I decide to leave. My husband and I moved alot still due to job and stepchildren issues. Home was us together wherever we were. I may never stay in one place again because he is never going to be there anymore and I am trying to find something to love again. I am on the path I will not give up even though I don't stay anywhere anymore I am trying to find something that can help me not just see a world without my person anymore.

The hardest thing I have had to overcome in this is blaming myself, blaming others, and hating rhe world that my husband had diabetes and was a professional driver and had other things was life and we lived it the best we could. I could spend rest of my life wishing things were different and that won't change a thing. The world won't change for me but how do I go on in it. I guess as best as I can. I am going home...another elusive thing...where I remember my husband and where we lived...that is my home.

Along time ago I had the courage to get out of the hole I was in and moved 2000 miles away. Not without help but considering I had nothing except a tiny car and few thousand dollars that was something. That first 2 years I moved on average 6 times per year, renting rooms, living in apartments, and trailers. It was the most difficult time. Then met my husband who saved me and taught me that I am worth something. I knew when I left all those years ago what I wanted and I need the courage hope and of course faith to go and get it.

I have all these reasons why I am putting off doing what I am supposed to do and what I want to do.  I know what I have to do which is let go of the life I had with my spouse. My reasons range from the weather is too cold,  I don't deserve anything,  I am scared of my in laws, At this point I think that ship has sailed. They have not contacted me in almost a year, I am still in a place of limbo and I don't know if I ever get to feel happy again. Every place every job just reminds me that I am alone now again and that I don't want to be here or go back to work just sitting or standing with people who will never within an inch come close to the relationship bond my spouse and I shared, tattletales who watch everything you do searching for something to tell on me for to make themselves look good. I am so lonely without his love and support I struggle to even go pay my rent. They all cling to their spouses so that world doesn't close in on them. Do I ever stop running from it. When I met my husband we were almost instantly inseparable. I went on a weekend trip without him and after that we were together just every day. We talked about everything and we shared everything and whilst did not agree about everything we made a team that I was searching for my whole life. The world now to me is just so much get you and got you and caught you I just don't even want to try anymore. I used to search for laid back people like me and my husband and I swear my husband and I are extinct species.

On 10/18/2022 at 6:30 AM, kayc said:

Sheemie,

I've lived alone 17 years since my husband died, my kids and sisters are not nearby, my dad died over 40 years ago, my mom 14 after a long bout with dementia.  I took care of my disabled sister with dementia and now she too has passed away.  

Sometimes family is more of a hindrance than help, it sounds like that in your case.  Maybe taking time away from them would help your mind have more peace.  Just because we're born into a family doesn't make them good for us.  As for your dog, they are your family!  Don't listen to the others.

I'm living one mile away from a huge fire, air quality is the worst in the nation, can't be outside.  Somehow if I can survive this, you can also.  We're going to go from smoke (2 1/2 months now) to snow, I've had 2 1/2 months of decent in the last 12 months.  But I praise God because my home is still standing.  One day at a time Hon.  Today, take today, try not to worry about tomorrow, stay in today.  Figure out what is the next thing you need to do and focus on that.  

We are listening, just want you to know you are not alone.  I see your interests, mine too except the cleaning part!   

It's been awhile but I finally did it. I left and as soon as I crossed border this weight lifted and I physically felt free. I am down south and no snow but still cold in 20s at night but 20 above is better than 20 below. My family is taking turns calling me daily. I have been ignoring them. I know all they want to know is where I am and what I am doing and frankly we have never been close so I choose to ignore them. I am done with being made to feel guilty over everyone and everything when it was never reciprocal. The only person who ever cared about me is gone and it's me and my dog. I believe he is in heaven watching over me and the unexpected help that comes for me from complete good Samaritans I truly believe is my husband in heaven helping me because believe I have not a clue here just few ideas good bad sense or none

My whole life I have had to go through everything basically alone. I know no one does anything bythemselves. I have had help but little in way of it and mostly from the government. I chose my husband over my job and he chose me over the whole world basically. I was happy and he is gone. This year has felt like jail. I would liken my mental state to maybe dementia. All I could do to keep me and my dog alive. All my family says is kill the dog so u can go back to your job, work. The dog is my only friend. If anyone wants to know about me they sure don't ask me and ask anyone else, trash talking. I am not sure why my family thinks that they are the boss of me and they do not listen to me or help me and only tell me to help them. Then I have to put my big girl pants on and go out and figure it out, in 30 degree weather, and I just cry because I am just a girl what am I supposed to do. I am over here driving halfway across country with a trailer not even hooked up right while no one will help me unless they are paid to and I just want to be a girl. I miss my husband and I feel like the world is laughing at me.

So I am moving again. Trying to figure out some piece of normal. I moved into income based hide hole. Absolute nightmare, no community, no friendship, it's like jail. There is only 5 people who live by me and there only concern is why I am driving a nice pickup, my dead husband's pickup. The management accepts tattle tailing in lieu of rent. Tattle on what, their concern should be how come these people never go outside who live here. I got sandwiched in between an old man who can't stand hallway traffic and wack job with 20 cats. The management has a get u, got u, caught you mentality. Again, just tv watching going on here, nothing to see. They spy on everywhere u go as if they are like with the FBI. I thought I was going crazy at first, but as I am coming out of my widow fog, where all I wanted was a world of kindness and forgiveness, community and help. All I have gotten is get you, got you, caught you! I even volunteered. I even gave money to charity, but if I need help,chirp, nothing. I talk to the church and nothing there either just a broken selfish trash talking world. I just want to be alone. No wonder I was alone my whole life. Hey world your not the FBI and get over it because if someone shines a light on you in your darkest hour none of you are worth 2 shits either. My husband loved me, chose me, and I am not going to apologize for it.

Is anyplace really better than another

38 minutes ago, kayc said:

I hope you can find a place you can move to, I don't know what part of the country you're in that has rent so low as it's triple that here and more, but I do wish you well in the move and transitioning.  Maybe you'll get a better landlord next time!

Lol that's because u live in a normal place. The difference absolutely nothing to do, imagine never going anywhere for an entire month, no jobs that anyone would want, nothing to do except go insane completely, so I guess hopefully up from here.

Until the end of the year when initial lease ends per legal laws. But I've done nothing wrong they are wrong. I told them when I moved please don't me stay here a year and I don't want to move in the cold. They just laughed, pure evil they are. Everyone here hides in their place because they are all being scrutinized for eviction. I was told that's just how income based apartments are. I pay 500 for rent and I don't think it's even worth that. The std rate is 575 and u would be nuts to pay that. 350 a month is fair for this place and area. I have one family member who is going to help and thank God I don't have to hire somebody again.

I got a letter from my apartment that they are telling me to get out because, "they know I am miserable here and I complain too much". this frankly is true but like don't sugar coat it at all. I tried really hard not to complain but it just kept getting worse. This apartment response to my valid complaint was mind my own business, ignore me completely, and then send me letter to get out because I complain about the caretaker. The caretaker is a weirdo who was spying on me all the time caught him outside easdropping umpteen times, he would make me uncomfortable because he was always standing in my doorway, not to mention when I first moved in apartment alleged my neighbors complain about me going outside too often and that bothered them? Is this jail I said? Not to mention my vehicles been vandalized in the parking lot. Thesres only 4 people who are in here. So many firsts this year, bullied, gaslight, no help, vandalized. I'm having such a hard time I keep trying to ask for help, ghosted, gaslight, bullied. I guess it's my fault. Everything I did for most part was about and for my husband and he's gone and I am absolutely desperate. I keep trying to remember who I was and I just can't do anything. I can't sleep and I am so angry and no one is nice to me.

12 hours ago, kayc said:

Since you are no longer there (moved since he died), perhaps seek out another church where you can find that love and support.  Our church is very loving and supportive, sometimes I feel closer to them than my own family even.  I love this community (Oregon) but am in the country, 50-70 miles from shopping, hospitals, etc.  But I've been here 45 years so am kind of used to it only it's a struggle now that I'm getting older (about to turn 70 in a couple of weeks).  

 

They aren't going to come to you and knock on your door, it takes getting out there but we're in times where we've all become more reclusive.  VERY hard to break through!

Kind of reminds me of befriending Panther, my feral cat.  I can't get as close as a regular cat, he's outdoors only, I can't pick him up, or even clean his ears effectively!  But he rubs on me now and comes for his food when he's feeling it.  He is friendly with Kodie but I also know if turned loose together he could get his eyes scratched out if he made the wrong move.  But we have come a long ways!

I need to find Oregon, a community.

Thanks, I am an hour from normal sized city. I am 43. My lease ends 12.31 and I'm in MN. Cold is already here. Come spring I'm planning on moving into a camper until I find home. I went to a Presbyterian church when my husband passed. I am not Presbyterian but raised catholic and the people at this new church were so kind, nice, and supportive of me. I just really want another person to talk to, in person, not online.

On 9/19/2022 at 5:37 PM, Chocolate said:

One of the things I've found is that people like to say they will be there, they don't follow through, and they can still believe they are being supportive.  This has been the case for me during every major crisis.  Now, most of those I care about have passed away, one of the problems of getting older.

Could you possibly move back to where you were when your husband passed?  Or would that make things worse?

For the first 6 months or so that was all I wanted to do. Unfortunately he is not there and back to the future is not possible. My stepchildren always forced us to move. Just horrible all around. Now I feel trapped and stuck in a lease in a place I never would have been, which is my families fault becausethey lied that they will help me when in fact they just want to gossip about me to there communities who also have no concern for me in this broken world. I need to buy a home but how do I when I've no idea where I want to go and I lost the only person who ever loved me and the rest of the world would as soon see me dead too. Trapped is all I feel and alone.

On 10/29/2020 at 3:08 PM, nashreed said:

Hello,

So, I have been widowed for five and a half months. It's been hard to keep occupied and feel like doing or caring about anything. The one thing that I love is music, and I collect CD's (I know it's cool to collect vinyl now, but I honestly can't understand how anybody can afford that hobby). I have been collecting CD's since before I met my wife, so it's been a passion and a distraction for 35 years (CD's were expensive and the cool music medium that long ago).

Through our marriage, Annette was always very tolerant of my obsession, and even though I really shouldn't have spent the money (we were pretty poor), she let me have my fun and buy some cheap ones now and again. When I was working in CD stores, the deals were more plentiful and I justified my spending because I could get bargains. As I became a manager, I could get free promotional CD's, so that was great. So, the collection really started to get out of hand (there is definitely hoarding tendencies in the family-big time). She never really complained. She was a saint. She never was into possessions (too many moves early in life), but understood me. My collection often saved our bacon because I knew some CD's that would be valuable and could be sold for a lot later on, so being a collector was advantageous.

As her health got worse, I would spend money on CD's (money I really should have saved for her needs) as a reward, or to cope with the stress. I feel such guilt that I was really going crazy with spending (in amounts that she didn't notice, but I shouldn't have). I feel like if I would have saved all that money I could have spent it on something that could have saved or prolonged her life.

So now here I am, without her -but with all these thousands of CD's. I am slowly selling rare ones on Ebay, and I need the music to play to keep me sane. They give me purpose and something to focus on. Through our whole marriage they kind of defined me and she told her sister that being a crazy collector was one of the things that she loved about me (Lord knows why).

How have your hobbies changed and evolved (or devolved) with the passing of your loved one?

James

 

I know this is old post but when I was young I had my first apartment and I decorated it. I had pics up and decorated it and when I left it all got tossed or broken and it hurt to lose it and I said I wouldn't do it again and I did not until Ray. The apartment I moved out of said about me that when u left we did not think anyone even lived there. That's actually sad that's how I became. My husband and I got together neither of had anything. We met in the oilfields in ND. He was driving 2 wheel drive pickup in the winter, that's how good a driver he was. And I was driving the smallest car made again in snowy Midwest weather. How we made it I do not know. We made great team. But my husband always came home with gifts and stuff and I'm not saying I don't hoard stuff because I definitely do, clothes, still. Now I wonder how we lived in a camper because just my kitchen stuff alone is like I love my pressure cooker, slow cooker, toaster this and that but really why not just the stove. I guess in a way that's the lifestyle I was given, one forged on the road. Nothing in life is ever anything but temporary.

I made a to do list with all these positive comments like I forgive you type stuff and on it I put one thing to do extra so I can get moved just one tiny thing in addition to my usual day, and I don't work a job so that's really hard my goal is to just go through that one thing or do that one extra thing. Just writing this I am thinking I need meds. I used to move all my stuff in one day when it was just me or me and my husband and now idk if I can do it in a month and I always worked b4. Everyone always got along with my husband and he was so good at small talking to make friends seek assistance and etc. I on the other hand was raised by communists and don't know how to get help.

I wish so bad that I did not move back by them. It has been hardest, loneliest, isolated, I have ever felt. Even my neighborhood. I have never been somewhere like this where no one is friendly. None of my neighbors even go outside like ever. I don't know where I am even going from here. My husband gave me a lifestyle and with it a choice. We moved every year we were together. We lived in 3 different states. I keep trying to have courage but is so hard without that support now. I appreciate the understanding. I have so much stuff to move and I have to do it all myself. I'm rambling on and maybe the church will help me.

When my husband passed my family talked me into moving by them, saying oh we are going to help you so much. I have been here all year they almost never call and I asked for help and was crying to my own mother about how I am too depressed to do anything and she said she would come and help me pack to move yet again and the very next day turned her back on me saying she cannot drive that far, it's 100 miles! Then my father calls me screaming at me that they cannot help me that they are busy and further tells me and I quote, "that he wishes people would stop asking him about me because he doesn't give a crap about me". My sister says she might help if I tell everything that I am planning to do as if I know...I flipped out on her. My family is like the worst family. Abusive and only care about themselves. No wonder I had such life. I've been on my own since I was like 8 years.

When my spouse passed I was forced out of our home and 3 months later moved into new place. When I rolled out our rugs my dog got so excited he put his butt in the air and jumping all around and I knew he he was looking at the door expecting the men to walk through that door. My dog knew what happened and I don't think they completely know. My dog looks at me different now to see if mom is crying. See my husband was so good at playing with dog and I was the dog walker. My dog is truly my cross helper carrier.

45 minutes ago, nashreed said:

That's rough, Sheemie. I know what all of that is like. I was never able to have children with Annette (she had been through menopause before we even met- Diabetes). My family (I feel) think I'm just lazy for not working since moving back here. I make enough with Disability to pay my bills (barely), but I can't contribute financially to the household- but I've taken on all the housework and grocery shopping and trash, etc., leaving my brother to just work and be lazy when he's not at work. For people with their own mental illnesses, they (my mother and brother) are completely devoid of empathy and understanding about my situation. They put up with me because I'm family, but there's always a passive-aggressive "dig" muttered or implied. I'm not even able to have a pet (not that I could afford one). 

Annette's sister does not blame me for Annette passing- but I blame myself. As her caregiver, I should have done better. I can't forgive myself so easily. 

Holiday weekends are the absolute worst. You feel you should be out with family having a great time. Sure. It's so lonely. I hope you can make it through this weekend and find some solace that there's some people here who care, Sheemie. 

 

Thanks for that

I had multiple family members literally tell me that I killed my husband. I am certain that I am not covid. I was mortified by my families total lack of care for me. All they do is ghost me or complain about me not working. I have no one not even a child who cares one bit for me. All I have is family pet and no help whatsoever. I have to drag myself out of this mess.

3 hours ago, nashreed said:

We all deserve love. Now that I've lost it, it's hard to even be motivated to wake up in the morning. Nothing to look forward to, not a friend to be found. 

I put in a lot of work with winning over Annette. I was a weird, super skinny nerd, and had no social skills. She put up with a lot- she was patient. She resisted us being together, because she felt that she was unworthy of love. I was always there for her, and she slowly realized that I would always be there for her. I was dedicated to her. 

How am I going to spend years without someone after being so loved and blessed with her companionship? Nobody cares if I'm alive, except my Mom. It's a struggle and it's exasperating to spend my days with my Mom. Her hearing is so bad, she can't understand half of what I say. She is so stubborn, she won't get hearing aids. She's stubborn enough that she hasn't had teeth in years, maybe decades. Probably hasn't been to a dentist since 1955. I just miss coming home to someone I like, someone cute that makes me laugh, that I can make laugh. 

I just can't wait for this life sentence to be over. 

Same. I just talk to myself. I talk with my immediate family which amounts to gaslighting. Then they this person and that person always ask about me but I always wonder, they talk about me, they talk over me, but not to me. It's really hard when lose your person and everyone thinks I'm a puppet. 

1 hour ago, scba said:

I totally relate here. In two weeks it's going to be 8 years. How can it be? I am wearing today the jacket I wore when he died. I ponder about what it means today. 

I spent a lot of time thinking if God would bless me twice in my life and I couldn't find facts for that to be the case. Why He would do that? I'm not talking about deserving this or that...

Using your words.... Who is the one out there that would love someone like me who didn't ask for it cause none of this should have happened in the first place? 

I got mad at my boyfriend, sometimes, for leaving me alone in this life. I feel emotionally tired today but I still have things to do. He never showed up to make his case. I stopped waiting. Grief feels like is going around in circles with silence as an answer. 

 

 

Yes grief does feel like going in circles.