Sheemie

On 8/28/2022 at 12:03 PM, scba said:

I could only stand watching Game of Thrones and House of Cards, first seasons. No justice, no love, no fairness and no reminders from my life. Nothing to relate. 

To refer to that early months and first years I tell: During my GoT phase....

(I quit watching from season 5 I could not stand the death of a child burning at a stake.... enough, just too much). I moved to cooking shows. 

 

I used to really like scary movies and I can't now...I've had all scared I can take.

On 8/28/2022 at 11:59 AM, nashreed said:

You're lucky that there's a television personality on that you can watch and feel that connection to your husband. At least there's the comfort of seeing mannerisms and expressions that you can take to heart and imagine it's him for a moment. Really, Annette was so truly unique, and the only celebrity even remotely close to her, that I can see her in their appearance and expressions is Mindy Cohn from "The Facts Of Life". The character and that show are rather broad and it's not something I really want to watch now, but I caught her on an old 80's game show and it felt like a young Annette. 

I don't know why everyone is so self involved or uncaring. Maybe they're afraid of their emotions. Annette was so honest and loving and caring and not guarded at all. Of course, it was just for me and her immediate family. I just am so tired of being so lonely. Nobody wants to have anything to do with me. How do you get total strangers to become close, when you have all this emotion that's suppressed for two years with no outlet? It gets to be a prison, a wall you build around yourself- brick by brick. Wall yourself in. It doesn't matter anyway. 

I've got a major problem. The old cell phone that I have all of Annette's voicemails on is not coming on, and if it's dead I don't know what I'm going to do. Why do they make these damn phones to only last a couple of years, if that? (Well, yeah, I know) I transferred a few of them over into emails to myself as a backup, but I didn't do them all. I thought to transfer them all, but was told that I couldn't reactivate the phone because it's obsolete. You can't just easily transfer voicemails over, but I could send them to myself in a text. I just need this stupid old phone (it's not really old at all) to exist as a listening conduit to store the voicemails. I'm going to have to take it somewhere and hope it can survive. Sigh. 

Yeah, idk what you can do about vm's. I went to this grief group through church. The counselor was asking us if we could think of a reason we were mad at the deceased and I was like absolutely no! But at home I was thinking about how for the last year we were trying to buy our first home unsuccessfully. I got to thinking about how I always just wanted it to be just me and him. He always held family very highly, far more so than me. Guess because my family always couldn't care less about me. I was looking through some old recordings one day and low and behold I come across a phone conversation between us where we were talking about where we want to live and my husband was telling me that he just wants it to be me and him and he's tired of the drama in, talking about family. And there went my reason. I spend alot of time thinking about how God made such a person to love someone like me.

On 8/26/2022 at 12:41 PM, nashreed said:

Wow, Media Play is a store that I have not thought of in a long, long time. It was an awesome store. It used to be so fun to browse there and at Best Buy when they had a HUGE CD section, and I worked for FYE/Wherehouse Music for 11 years. All gone now. I mean, I love Spotify and couldn't live without it (I'm listening to it right now), but it killed music stores along with the Napster and file sharing. I still buy CD's off eBay. I don't need any more CD's, with around 7,000, but I don't have anything else really going on in my life at all, so...

Maybe part of it is getting older, but I never had a group of friends to abandon me anyway. I often think of the Spirit World and how it might be like another dimension that the living can't access- but it's right there going on simultaneously. I feel like an inter-dimensional being, like I'm a ghost. No one pays attention to me. I just wander this dimension, but I'm separate from it. I don't feel connected to it. People see right through me and past me. I don't want to keep not mattering, but I don't know how to make friends- not at this age. At 52, you're either ensconced in your life and have your wife and friends, or you feel like you might as well be dead. There doesn't seem to be any way to get a new life at this point. My sister-in-law doesn't get it. I feel like she think I should have pulled myself up by my boot straps by now, when she has a career, a ton of friends, a husband, two kids, grandchildren.... I will never have any of that. She has never been one to not be in a relationship, and she's been married three times, twice to total jerks. At least she texts me.  No one else does. 

Nashreed, we must be kindred spirits because I feel the same way. I am totally stuck and feeling sorry for myself when life is before me. When my husband passed horrible, tragic, unexpected. All my inlaws and my family too was like stuff and money, stuff and money. Like I just lost my husband, my life and all the people who were supposed to be there and support, stuff and money. I really don't think most people are capable of love and they just climb the social ladder of life. The only people nice and decent, the funeral home, some neighbors, and my husband's work. To relax I read or watch TV. Idk how many months before I could even stand to watch TV because I was am so angry at myself mostly but society too. The only show I could stand before bed to unwind was the great British baking show. The Paul man on the show reminds me of my husband in some way found it comforting. My husband  deserves a parade, to be on the news every day about the tragedy of his death. He was great and he deserved so much better than everything. The Bible says life is b4 me and I have to choose it I am still trying to answer that question.

20 hours ago, nashreed said:

It's really annoying how I only seem to dream about work- even though I haven''t worked retail in 12 years. It's often me desperately trying to get customers to leave the store after closing. 

I enjoyed being a walking music trivia machine, before Wikipedia took all the fun out of that. There are barely any music stores around anymore. There's a lot of little hipster vinyl stores, but I enjoyed working with CD's, when nobody wanted or cared about vinyl. I remember when I had the idea to start ordering vinyl at the used CD place I worked at around 2008. They thought I was nuts.

There's nothing more lonely than going to the grocery store- alone. All these people with spouses or family. I see attractive women who are way too young for me- no one I'll ever meet. I just won't ever have someone again. There's just nothing to look forward to. Life can be so random and unfair. 

You are so cool, u know I remember cds. I used to always have books and books of cds. I would work out at gym with my cd player. My friends, when I had friends, and I would hang out in the media play all the time. When cds went away I quite listening to music was too much bother to me to figure out an mp3 device. I still couldn't and would listen to the radio. I used to have good friend that worked at the radio station and he'd hook me up with free stuff from the giveaways.

This is hard but we were half a country away from each other when he got real sick with covid. Their doctors decided I could not be in the room. At first we thought he was going to be OK 2 days later no and I had to say goodbye on the phone and that I was sorry. Of course I was so beside myself with shock and fear that was all I could say. I think he started to cry but nurse hung up. I drove there because I did not want to wait 2 days for flight. I stood outside the glass and his room was plumb full of about every nurse from wing. The Dr tried to rescistate him and he looked at me through glass and reached his hand for me and he was so weak his arm just slumped down. I screamed cried and nurse dragged me away and they rescistate him 4 times and then they let him die. They killed him and there's nothing I can do and I had to say goodbye like he was in jail and know everything feels like jail to me.

On 7/22/2022 at 6:11 PM, jathas said:

This is so true.  Ever since my husband passed, I have NOT been able to stay up nearly as late as I always used to.   Prior to his passing, I was a night owl to the core.  I've been that way since my late teens/very early 20s.  I wouldn't go to bed until 4-5 in the morning most nights.  I would be up all night working (I'm self-employed) and doing other things.  Now, since losing my husband, I just have NO energy left and can barely make it past midnight.   I truly feel that my energy has been depleted since he passed.

I suffer this too. Every night I will wake up in middle of night unless had sleeping pill or something at around same time Ray started to go and never had sleep issues staying asleep or falling asleep. I pray rosary every night and usually fall asleep doing it helps. Getting up in the middle of night not fun.

On 8/20/2022 at 3:41 PM, nashreed said:

I felt responsible for her passing because I was her caregiver. It was my job and I feel I failed. I've only been good at one job ever, barely (retail music store manager, because I was passionate about music- not because I was great at customer service or management. I had to have my assistant do my financials when I ran a store). 

I just have to remember that Annette doesn't blame me. I KNOW she doesn't. It's just hard to get that through my thick head. I don't want Annette to look down and see me guilt-wracked and miserable, but it's hard not to be. I can eventually let go of the guilt, but I'm always going to hate where I've ended up, where life has left me. 

 

I have never liked any job I have ever had. I sure was not like my spouse. He loved to work would put in 16 hrs days. Now I have to go back to this whatever job I can get, pretty much guarantee mindless cashier or cleaning something. All I want is someone to talk to. I walk my dog, I get groceries, I go to church. I just want to scream. We are alone and we don't even try to not be alone and everyone acts like tattle tales for the government or something, like get you, got you, oh we caught u smoking. Ding, ding, ding. Give me a break.

20 hours ago, nashreed said:

I am so sorry Sheemie. I lost my wife to Diabetes. There were other factors at play, but it all began with Diabetes. Annette wrote me a breakup letter,  some 33 years ago now, and what really stands out to me from it is that even then, so young, she wrote "Diabetes is hell" (she referenced it as a contributing factor in her moodiness and issues, as she was struggling with it at the time). 

I have such guilt that I should have done more for her. Why didn't I force her to use a wearable insulin pump. She took pride in her control of it, but she just couldn't do it anymore and I was in denial. I never, never wanted to get on her about her weight, to make her feel bad about herself. We did the best we could at the time, but made so many mistakes. Sometimes I don't feel guilt (because I know she wouldn't want me to), but most days I do- so I know exactly what you're feeling. I have felt all the stages of grief all in one day at times, still feeling them in random order, constantly. There is no order to it. 

I have thoughts of us trying to navigate COVID together (Annette passed only two months into it, but we were already sick of wearing masks to her appointments). I couldn't visit her in the hospital when she had her last stay there, and important things happened then that I never got answers to because of damn COVID. I'm just glad she didn't get it ever. Her worst fear was not being able to breathe and I don't know how I would have protected her. I am so very sorry. Why is life so unfair. Good, beautiful people pass away so young and yet pieces of human garbage like a certain former president lives on and on. 

I think we all feel so personal responsibility for our loved ones health. I am extremely hard on myself because I did not go into his room. They wouldn't let me per their fear mongering rules which made no sense because the doctors and nurses go home do they not. A news story I heard about a singers child's death helped me. The singers child fell from hotel window on accident. The singer was nearby and ran to street. The child was surrounded by passerby. The person did not stop. HE WAS SCARED. I knew it because I felt same. Later we hate ourselves for being too afraid to stop in their case or go into the room for me.

I so relate to your story. My husband passed at 52. He too had diabetes and caught covid 2 years into it. I was so dumb. I only heard of mild cases and I could not fathom my 52 years young husband would die from it. He was gone away from me working halfway across country. He went to Er. Found out was Covid. See we thought it was his diabetes because he often was ill feeling. The Dr's told him to quarantine and he went into a hotel room of all places. He was so good about the covid rules he did not go around anyone. A week later he went back to Er and was put in intensive care with low oxygen. I did not even know that was what covid does, that u can't breathe. I drove there. The hospital would not let me in and after few days convinced me to return home stating his oxygen levels were fine and he just had to be there to quarantine. We went home about 1.5 to 2 day drive without stopping to stay. Like as soon as I got home they told me that they are wanting to tube him. I lost it drove back down there. They still would not let me in. I had to say goodbye through glass while he was in a coma. The morning that they called me in he went into cardiac arrest and they kept trying and he kept arresting again. The guilt about killed me. I wish I flew down there and got him out of there. I constantly think anything that could have happened differently it eats me up. It's not our fault. Of course we did best we could. I am still suffering from after loss issues but u know every death is horrible my point is I don't blame myself today but tomorrow I might and yesterday I did.

Everyone thanks for sharing, the good, bad, and ugly.

I know that Ray is with me watching over me from heaven. I could go on and on about how helpless I am, like how my mom and I spent days trying to unlock a toolbox and neither of us could do it and like the 3rd day I just tried to open it and low and behold it just opened. And I always think see my Ray is here helping me in times of trouble.

On 8/7/2022 at 11:51 PM, Sad_Widower said:

Hello Sheenie,

If there is some good news, you are not alone.  I guess misery loves company? Unsure, but please know that you are among people on this forum who can empathize so please take heed in this (it took me a long time to find people who can empathize)  

Some things you wrote that I really enjoyed as it made me think. (paraphrasing):
“wherever we were, my husband made it home.”   He sounds like he was a good man. As that is an attribute of a good husband IMO. 
“I used to complain about not having enough time to myself, but now that’s all I have.”
You know, I’m sure at one point in our lives we “complained” about what it takes to keep a relationship going.  It’s natural.  I think what differs people who were able to remain in king-term relationships is we know it’s what we choose to do.  So a part of us allows us to complain about frivolous things..just to keep our sanity.  
I make no bones about it, once my wife became sick I was her sounding board - for everything.   She was such a sweet person, but was going through a lot, so I not only allowed - but encouraged her to take things out on me.  She knew I could handle it and at the end of the day I loved her and was committed to her as we were truly soul mater. 
As for “all I have it time to myself now”…it’s interesting. There was a moment where I wondered “perhaps I can try and enjoy a new lifestyle. One where I no longer have responsibility to anyone but myself.”  I swear that lasted maybe…and hour at the most.   It’s just not me - so that is when I truly started my soul-searching to answer what I want Vs what I am capable of (a whole other post). 

“I feel like I am in jail.”
I sincerely mean it when I say I would rather spend the rest of my life in prison and have my wife alive, then be free and not have her. Of course I have never been to prison or anything before so don’t know what it feels like, but I truly mean when I say I would take that chance to “switch places” with someone if I could.

It’s obvious you loved your husband very much and I’m sure you both knew you were grateful to have one another.  

The anniversary of my wife’s passing is coming up soon as well.  I haven’t decided is I will allow myself to cry or not. My that I truly feel I cried myself out the first year. Then I realized the crying was not helping me emotionally.  Note: that is just ME. Everyone is different - :so do you.   If I feel the need to cry, I will, but honestly the only time I “feel better” after crying is when I am talking outloud to her while I cry (as I believe she senses it and tries to comfort me).  

I also hope you can focus on being re-united with him.  Again, everyone is different, but I know - should I make myself worthy - I will be with her in afterlife for eternity, and that keeps me going. 

In fact I will share with you all, that I once had a “vision” about this. Understand I am not in to “paranormal” or anything, but here is what happened: my mind suddenly went to a place where, while I was wide-awake, I wasn’t “controlling” my thoughts.  I suddenly both FELT and SAW us to together again.  
We hugged each other and cried in each other’s arms for almost 24 straight hours.  We just hugged and cried and cried and cried and cried.  We had not even talked yet, but we both knew why we were crying.  It was a combination of sadness from being apart, to gratefulness to being back together.  It was a feeling of “we knew this would happen and it has”.  

My personal feeling on why I had that “experience” is because I was in the depths of sorrow unlike I knew even imagined, and feel God might have given me a little glimpse of what is possible to provide me some comfort. Whatever the reason, it worked.  
 

I truly believe my husband is watching over me and helping me because it has been a train wreck and fact I am not dead, incarcerated, or something else bad I truly feel is divine intervention because yes I have no idea what I am doing or capable of but what is possible.

Looking back everyone that tried to help me, that was supposed to help me, my family, my inlaws really did not help and just made things worse for me. My family concocted plan to get me to move in with my terminally sick parents taking full advantageof my widow state. That quickly blew up and as soon as they realized I wasn't going to live there they ghosted me. My wicked mother in law, who was always trying to get my husband to leave me, so she could take our money contacted a lawyer and tried to sue me. My stepchildren show up like what money is ours, it's called get a job you brats. All I want to do is go back to work, you know like I did since I was 8 years old and before I had to constantly be on the defense of being attacked. I have to pay for any help I need and boy the going rate of help is 350 an hour. The help from family what a joke, all they care about is stuff and money. They don't care that they cost me 3 jobs, countless moves, legal trouble, how many more moves before I find a job and new life, is that free? How much has their trash talking cost me? I don't know if I can crawl out of the hole I am in. How about some help do any of them care how I am doing...NO! HOW am I to go on without my husband when he was everything to me. No one seems to get that and or care.

On 7/26/2022 at 1:42 PM, nashreed said:

I'm so sorry, jathas. I know what it's like to miss hugs. I haven't had one since the day before Annette's passing. My father-in-law was good about putting his arm around me and was very sweet, but I haven't ever been comfortable hugging men and I'm sure he sensed that. 

I never used to be the type of person to need anyone.... until Annette. She changed me and I became "obsessed" with her. It sounds bad, but I was persistent, and that was good, because we were really meant to be together. We met and a few months later we started going out. I was so inept at relationships, and she had her own issues at the time, and she couldn't "teach" me how to be a boyfriend at the time, so we broke up. I was miserable and I pined for her and paced around the same basketball court that I pace around now.... thinking of ways to win her back. I actually had an opportunity to be in another relationship to a pretty black girl who I worked with. She really liked me and tried to initiate something, but I was too hung up on Annette. We actually went to Disneyland together (with another girl from work! Two girls!!), but I ruined it. It was a disaster because I was obsessed with Annette. I carried her picture with me all the time and I have it on my wall next to my bed still. Through much struggle and perseverance, I won her back and we were together for 30 years. 

I miss her so much. I'm now also the type of person who needs companionship. I seem to get grief on here, because I'm made to feel like a jerk that I would want someone else after losing my soulmate. I can't handle the thought of being alone like this for years and I am just in not in any position to have anything to offer anyone. No job, no money- I can't even look people in the eye. Nobody wants me-- I'm no one's idea of a catch. I'm sure you would have no problem meeting someone when you're ready. It's going to take time, but you have a great future ahead of you. Your beloved soulmate would be happy that you will have happiness again. He wants the best for you, I'm sure of it. I never blame Annette for her health problems and though she could have made better choices, I can't blame her for any of it. When I see her again, I don't want there to be anything but love- no guilt, no blame. 

Just take it one day at a time. I know my first month without her was a blur, because I had to put my tail between my legs and move back home. I couldn't stay in our house with my meager income and so I had the distraction of moving halfway across the country by myself. I packed (including 40 boxes of CD's) completely alone and a moving company hauled our life away, wrecking some stuff in the process. At least I had my mom to go back to. 

I'm glad you have a best friend to lean on. I never knew the importance of friends until I lost my only true one. Hang in there. I only wish you the best in everything. You will make it. 

Man, I just relate to your situation with grief. When my spouse died I lost our home. We were renting it and I kind of was forced into moving in with parent. For me that quickly became unbearable I don't get along with others well and decided I M never living with anyone especially in grief. No one helped, had to hire very expensive movers and put our life in storage. Now I'm stuck in exile in town I wouldn't want to stay. I hear a lot of widower move by family but move by family just reminds me why left in the first place because they don't really give about me and I'm scared because this is first time in my life I'm truly alone.

13 hours ago, V. R. said:

Sheemie, I'm so sorry you're feeling so homesick, your story touched me. You hit a chord when you wrote those words above. I went through a long period, together with my darling husband, going backwards and forwards to my MIL's house (she lived alone,  20mins drive from us), caring  for her, cooking, cleaning, washing, shopping, official paperwork, getting her to have a shower, she was suffering from dementia, did not cooperate and  had become very verbally aggressive. We wanted   her to  move in with us (lots of space in our 3 storey house), would have been so much easier, for her and for us. She utterly refused, we tried once and we found her walking out of the gate, saying that she would returnhome, on foot, if it was necessary!! We were forced to drive her back home. 

We didn't have time for ourselves at all, the stress was unbearable, especially for my husband. I could see he felt guilty that I was having to do all this for her, being female (she didn't have daughters), it was obviously less embarrassing for my MIL, and more  natural, for me to bathe and clean her,when she became no longer self-sufficient. I always tried to reassure him not to worry, these things happen. I'll never forget his desperate  words one day: "I can't handle this any longer, she's killing me..", referring to his mother. Imagine, how I feel now. 

I also find myself in an opposite situation to how I was before , watching the hours go by, days that never end, nothing in particular to do. I could find lots to do, if I wanted, but they are just things that can wait, not really necessary,and to tell you the truth, in my depressive state, I can't be bothered anyway. What's the point? Isn't it strange that we even find ourselves missing what we used to complain about? 

Sending you comfort and strength. 

God bless you for all that help you gave

13 hours ago, V. R. said:

Sheemie, I'm so sorry you're feeling so homesick, your story touched me. You hit a chord when you wrote those words above. I went through a long period, together with my darling husband, going backwards and forwards to my MIL's house (she lived alone,  20mins drive from us), caring  for her, cooking, cleaning, washing, shopping, official paperwork, getting her to have a shower, she was suffering from dementia, did not cooperate and  had become very verbally aggressive. We wanted   her to  move in with us (lots of space in our 3 storey house), would have been so much easier, for her and for us. She utterly refused, we tried once and we found her walking out of the gate, saying that she would returnhome, on foot, if it was necessary!! We were forced to drive her back home. 

We didn't have time for ourselves at all, the stress was unbearable, especially for my husband. I could see he felt guilty that I was having to do all this for her, being female (she didn't have daughters), it was obviously less embarrassing for my MIL, and more  natural, for me to bathe and clean her,when she became no longer self-sufficient. I always tried to reassure him not to worry, these things happen. I'll never forget his desperate  words one day: "I can't handle this any longer, she's killing me..", referring to his mother. Imagine, how I feel now. 

I also find myself in an opposite situation to how I was before , watching the hours go by, days that never end, nothing in particular to do. I could find lots to do, if I wanted, but they are just things that can wait, not really necessary,and to tell you the truth, in my depressive state, I can't be bothered anyway. What's the point? Isn't it strange that we even find ourselves missing what we used to complain about? 

Sending you comfort and strength. 

God bless your heart for doing all that for your in laws. Another of times I felt unappreciated and especially when they try and walk home when u are bending over backwards to help. I can't tell you how many free rides I gave without a thanks. I felt like a chauffeur.

On 8/5/2022 at 2:34 PM, nashreed said:

I am so sorry Sheemie. Man, can I relate. I am in a rut of just not having any purpose, but being afraid to make any kind of change to my routine- a real catch 22. 

I so miss our house in Tulsa. It was quiet there. It felt safe. Now I live back with my Mom, in the mobile home I grew up in, and it has become ghetto-fied in the years I was gone. So noisy, with inconsiderate Mexican neighbors with their umpteen dogs and loud La Cucaracha music. I hate it, but I'm stuck here. I'm fortunate to not be out on the streets. The homeless problem here is ridiculous. Rent and the cost of living here is so expensive. 

It really is like jail. Waiting for "mail" from a loved one from the outside world that never comes, because there is no one. Besides my Mom and brother, nobody cares an iota about me. I am not a participant in life anymore. Is that freedom? I wish I could give you an insight into overcoming fear, but what one really needs is someone on their side to motivate you- to kick you in the butt and give you a reason to change. It's so hard to change for yourself, especially after being part of a team for 30 years. If I had never had a relationship, a beautiful partnership, than I might be able to pick myself up and get a job, make friends.... But I haven't a clue how to make new friends in this day and age. The world has passed me by while I was in love. I'm in the same circumstances I was in as an awkward, painfully shy 19 year old, but this time I'm an old man at 52, and there is no second chance. There's just purgatory- waiting for it to be over, trying to distract myself from the utter despondent loneliness by losing myself in music, trying to rise above the gloom, but knowing it's all around and will never go away. 

Please hang in there. It's all we can do. We're all in Lonely Jail. Let's try to send each of us "kites" under our cell doors- hoping someone hears us. 

 

 

 

 

 

It's been real hard week. I am almost at his death anniversary and I just wish I could feel normal, just one day, wake up and feel like me again. I lost my idk the word, strength I guess. Omg I hate where I live. My neighbors never come out of their hide holes. They actually complain that I go outside too often if u can believe that. My husband said live in the most beautiful place you have been and for me that's where we were. I feel too scared to go back there and show my face. Idk why and it is not like me to be afraid.

Thank u

I know that I keep wanting to go home and I know my husband made anywhere we were home. And I know that he is not going to be anywhere I go so I guess I never have home again. The last time I felt this alone was right before I met my husband 

I am so homesick today. I long for any day that my spouse was here in it really even a not really good one. I miss our home. I miss the place. We truly loved it there. I would wake up have really great fresh bean coffee and get exercise clothes on and simply cross the street to walk our dog on the most wonderful trail while talking to my husband on Bluetooth while he was at work. I was so busy all day helping my mother in law, helping neighbors, making food, taking care of everything. I used to complain about it because I never hardly had time for myself and now that's all I have. Everything now is total 180. I feel like I am in jail, miserable, alone, no one talks to me, there is no where to walk the dog, have to drive at least half hour closest small park, the place I am renting is a mold hole and they absolutely will not let me out of my lease. I want to go home but I am afraid. Fear is what is trapping me.

My on3 year death anniversary is coming up and I have been thinking about it a lot. I dread computer work but I want to go through our pics and make an album. I know it will be a tear fest but is good way for me to spend that day. I know how you mean about crying in stores, every thing brings me to tears nowadays...holiday decorations, neighbors relaxing in their yards, movies, anything that reminds me of them. Honestly I don't go any day without crying anymore. Grief is absolutely profound in how changes everything.

Thank you

Simple, easy.

As a new widow I don't always know what is rational. 

I don't know where to begin. My question is how do you deal with inlaws asking for stuff and money?

When my spouse and I met we were almost 100 percent broke and I am struggling hard almost year later.

As far as my inlaws they either did not know me, barely knew me, or flat out hate me. This did not really bother me too much because we weren't near them and he had kids with other women and the family never liked them either. Almost all the kids were sadly estranged from us in my mind because we did not have money for them and therefore they did not want anything to do. My step kids caused me unbelievable grief. I lost a pension job because of the one and the other was constantly trying to put me or my husband in jail. Now I've got inlaws asking me about our finances, life insurance, and kids asking where's our money?

No one cares about me and how do I deal with this,

Thank u

I lost my husband unexpectedly and know where he wanted his ashes spread. I had this idea that I think it would be special to do it from a plane over the spot.

Does anyone know anything about who or how I could accomplish this?

I think he knew or thought he would die b4 me and I think he knew or thought I would meet someone else and not be alone for rest of my years as he kindly would not want me to be unhappy. His last words to me were asking to see my smile. I also don't think we thought about it that much either thinking we had a lotof time. I know I did not. I never cared what they did with me until my husband passed and am forced to make this decision. I also don't know if when I die if there will be anyone around me who cares what my wishes are. I also believe we both thought being buried in a cemetery would be to expensive for us and is not now. I think I need to remember that he choose me to write his story and to do it and forget the naysayers in my head that would complain about my every choice.

My husband passed without a will. The only thing I knew is that he wanted his ashes spread in his childhood home of his fondest memories place.

I feel horrible regret that we did not figure this out for sure because I asked him, what about me, we did not know or expect this so soon so suddenly and I could not accept it.

After his passing I was thinking of burying him where we lived. It was beautiful there and I knew he wanted to stay there despite not being close to family. I was pressured to leave there by family which is another regret to be close to my family in another state. I do not know what to do. I feel trapped now. Upon his passing I got nothing from his family. They either did not know me, or hate me because I did not get along with my mother in law who just wanted control of us and when I wouldn't give it to her it was WWIII. Then all I would get from my father in law was calls every other day about money and stuff. Oh they were so nice to me until they got the money they wanted and now nothing. I am supposed to give my husband's ashes to these people? My husband's favorite person was his father. He saved him from his psychotic mother. My father in law is old I know a shadow of who he once was and I know that is the only person in my husband's family who I care to have a say in this but it's been so hard to talk to him. I've tried and his phone goes to vm always. It's shocking he is not in a home and still on his own. He called me around Thanksgiving to ask if I had a funeral for my husband. I said no and he was like ok bye. He really is not cognizant is what that is. I don't know how to facilitate my father in law. I tried talking to an uncle who was important to my husband and he was saying oh u don't have to come all the way out here to have a funeral at a church he did not belong to. My husband's family seems to be cremate and loved one keeps ashes. I would prefer to bury him in a cemetery and to my knowledge he wanted ashes spread. I don't know what to do. The guilt racks me. I want to have a parade for my husband but it's just me. I am thinking spread ashes where he wanted with my father in law and bury rest I  a cemetery where I can be with him or is that selfish of me