M4K4VELL1

Ladies, Thank you so much for your words. I am so hurt at the moment I am not sure what to do. I feel everythings lost its taste, colours have lost thier beauty and everyone is just carrying on when my concience has gone and died. I had 2 ECG tests yesterday as I keep having panic attacks where the room feels like its closing in on me, I become short of breath and start panicing. It doesnt help I keep getting a pain in my chest which you can imagine leads me to panic all the more. The ECG's were both normal and two doctors have said my hearts fine apart from needing to loose weight and having high blood pressure due to stress Im fine. I have a little bit of a chest infection and I have torn muscles in my chest, maybe a trapped nerve as well from lifting the front of a car on Monday. The funeral is next friday at Ashford Crematorium and I dunno how to face it. I know he isnt in his body but I still have the fear he will be in pain when he is cremated. Irrational I know but he is my baby brother and I always swore to protect him. Crap job I did there. Thanks Ladies again, I truly appreciate it. Martin

Hi Janine, This is the third morning since he went away and I am trying to just live. I keep feeling like I am short of breath and having mild panic attacks, afraid I am going to die. I am going to the Doctors for a check up today to make sure I am ok apart from being overweight. I know that we could debate all the 'what ifs' forever they just plague me thats all, probably the same as everyone else who looses someone. I wish that I could just feel like I could get on but I am wandering around aimless and just cant focus. I went to play world of warcraft online last night and got upset and went out instead as I felt guilty having fun as it seemed wrong as he will never have fun again. Same goes for eating and anything else. Did you constantly feel sick like you wanted to throw up? Janine thankyou for talking to me on here I hope I am not being any trouble its just you are helping me so much and it is appreciated. Thank you Martin

Thanks Janine, My heart is hurting constantly. I feel like I have let him down because I should have been more aware of what was happening with my brother. He looked to thin and ill. Why didnt I respond and do something - I cant believe I was so blind. Everytime I asked he said that he was ok and was on top of things, it turns out he was in serious debt and working 80hr weeks to stay afloat. No-one knew as we live in Ireland and he lived in the UK. Theres the route of it I should never have moved away in the first place and left my baby brother there. Now I am minus one brother and the better half of me. I spoke to a friend online last night and she suggested an interesting theory. She said that he had completed all he had to do here and it was time to move on - Its a nice notion but I still feel ripped apart. I found this poem on the web for you - for the loss of your sister. I am truly, truly sorry. "I'll send you for a little time A child of mine, He said, For you to love for the time he lives And mourn for when he's dead. It may be forty or fifty years, Or even two or three But will you, till I call him back, Take care of him, for me? He'll bring his charms to gladden you, And should his stay be brief, You'll have his lovely memories As solace for your grief. I cannot promise he will stay, Since all from earth return, But there are lessons taught down there I want this child to learn. I've looked this wide world over In my search for teachers true. And from the throngs that crowd life's lanes I have selected you. Now, will you give him all your love, Nor think the labor vain, Nor hate me when I come to call To take him back again." I fancied that I heard him say, 'Dear Lord thy will be done.' For all the joy thy child shall bring, The risk of grief we'll run. We'll shelter him with tenderness, We'll love him while we may And for the happiness we've known, Forever grateful stay. But should the angels call for him Much sooner than we've planned, We'll brave the bitter grief that comes, And try to understand."

Love you Danny Boy x I dunno where to start. My brother Danny Boy died yesterday age 23 by only 5 days. I had two brothers and two sisters but Danny-Boy was the younger of the two. He was very slim and drank like a fish, smoked like a chimney but was a great...great kid. He had been with his partner for 8 years has three kids and recntly (2months ago) got married. Over the past year he had dealt with his partners cancer of the brain and stomach and got her through it whilst juggling work and looking after the kids. He recntly dealt with the death of his father in law and never claimed any sort of state bnefit in all his life as opposed to all of the rest of the family. He worked as a scafolder at a nuclear power plant and was very fit. He recently had chest pains and was administered warfarin which seemed to do the trick after various tests. Yesterday morning at about 10:45 he was with his wife in a car when he said he didnt feel well, by the time she got from the driving seat to the passagr side he was dead. Im 28 and very overweight...why didnt it happen to me? I would gladly have traded my life for my brothers. Im supposed to be the smart one of the family with lots of qualifications where the rest of my family have dyslexia and have limited education and I have wasted my life...what a letdown to all. I hurt so much and feel that its unfair, my baby brother...my baby brother?...why did I survive and he died? He apparently died of a heart attack? I have mediumistic beliefs and have been a practising medium for many years, not a charletan but I only say if I know. I respect everyones beliefs but there mine. I have been waiting to see or hear from my brother and I have had nothing. I miss him. Why can I help other people and not help myself? I hurt so much it wont stop and I feel like I want to hit someone or do something but I am going around in circles slowly dying. I wish it had been me. I have no-one to talk too, as my grief is so close. If anyone can help me or just wants to chat please email me at: M4K4VELL1@HOTMAIL.COM Thanks Martin