starelda

The Truth

The time is coming,

It's almost here

The time that saddens me

The time I fear

Time to remember

Can't help but to

Time to face up

To losing you

Been drowning myself

Not letting feelings through

Might as well have died

Along with you

I haven't been living

Destroying myself from within

Hurting all that lies

Beneath my skin

Life is precious

To that I should have wisened

But instead my eyes sting

Again I am frightened

Frightened of what I may do

Frightened of what I've done

Frightened that I can't cope

With anniversary number one

As it looms ahead of me

I feel I'm loosing control

Falling back to the darkness

Falling back into a hole

I'd only just crawled out

I fear it'll hit me back

I hope I have control

But I know that's what I lack

I don't want to forget

But forgive me if I do

Because I can't stand it anymore

Knowing that I've lost you

By Starelda

It's coming up to the year anniversary of my grandads death and I feel like I'm falling apart all over again. When he died I cried and cried at the funeral but not much at other times, I don't think I really let it out. I thought and thought about him and his death all the time but also thought that I was ok with it and happy as he's no longer in pain. I think I thought wrong. I think I've bottled it all up and now I don't know what to do. It feels like all my feelings are in a bottle of fizzy pop and now it's being shaken up ready to explode.

For about four months after his death, besides kidding myself that I was ok with it I didn't really feel much. Not that i remember anyway. Then I started binge drinking at weekends and it all started coming out, all the tears would flow so freely after a drinking session. I've tried to stop the drinking, tried hard but not hard enough because i'm slipping and i really don't like this. I don't like what I'm doing to myself and I didn't know why I did it at first but I feel the two must be connected. I used to be so sensible with drink.

Now the year anniversary of his death is coming up and I feel like I'm falling to pieces again. I feel like drowning it all out with drink but I know that will not help me at all. I need to face this and deal with it and move on but I'm finding it so hard. I felt so angry today, I'm not sure what at but it affected my work badly as I was unable to think or act properly for most of the day. I spent a good 20minutes in the ladies toilets just crying. I needed to cry and couldn't hold it back. But i feel so odd crying now. I feel like I should have done that already as it's been almost a year now. I feel silly and odd for wanting to cry now, I think I'm finding it hard to realise that it's happening to me now as it didn't back then.

I'm not sure why I'm writing this now. I just need to talk about it and need advice on whether this is normal or if i'm going completely off the rails.