Tracey B

ha Shell I already have a dog a boxer he was mine than when mom was sick he was her gaurd dog no one could get near her he would sit on her,he was no mean he would lick and loved all people.He would just put himself between mom and even me.So now he do not leave.I did also own a pet store which i gave up 2 weeks ago,haveing melt down and could not handle it all. so don't know what to do feel like cramp.

Shell I don't know how much longer I hang hang on for. Like the saying tie a knot well the knot is coming lose and I can't take much more MY mom's birthday was on Dec 14 I want to go to the grave but could not how bad is that. I let her down again should have gone.Don't know what to do feel like crawling in a hole. maybe i should just end it all.

I lost my mom this June.their is no xmas this year, no tree no lights. my mom loved the lights.She was xmas and keep the family together. I can't even think about it without tears, why did she have to go??? people say it will get better but it has not. I feel so lost and alone. i find it had to get out of bed. I just don't know how get throw it all. Tracey

hi I not at work any more cold not take it anymore the season the people so i hide out in my room and in bed that is my life. I just hurt to much thinking of how it was. Tracey

Hi Dawn It's ok to babble cuz I think I do to.My brother does not come around any more or even call, I alway have to call him. What really hurt the most is that when mom died and we had the wake he did not even ask me if i wanted to go with him,same for the service. I had to drive myself.When I say the limos. I could not go in had to go around the block to get the nerve and strenth to go in.Thank God for my cousion for she help me. I wanted to cancell the whole thing,Did not want to walk throw thoes doors.She told me I could do it. Dont think I could have done it with out her being their.She even know I would be their early so she was there when i drove in. My brother I thought was going to be late, but got there in time, with his so call girl freind.I cant stand her and after what she said at the hall after sevcie I am sure I cant stand her.She had the nerve to say to me "you should have brought the dog he would add some life to this".If not for other people being around she would have gotten it big time.She asked me at wake how was the dog doing.That was the only things she said to me.see I babble on to. My cousion loss her mom to cancer to so she know what I was going throw. My mom bet cancer and died of lack of care in hosptial. Both mom and my anunt had mouth cancer. To think of what she made it though her 10hour operation and she even had pacemaker last year, do died in hosptail was so wrong. Life should I have do overs. If I could turn the clock back. I miss her so, no one to ask or tell about day.I still hear things and thing wait did I tell mom, but she is not around to tell, or share what I hear.Some one to day told me to say HI to mom for them, they did not know. It's all to hard. Tracey

Hi Dawn The one thing I know is that animals will alway be there for you. They do know when you hurt or are sick.I do own a pet food store and have animals all my life, the one that has alway been the same animal care when even so call freinds are no where to be found. I to have not heard from freinds since moms furnnell.I even have people ask me how the my dog is doing before they ask about me, Some kind of freinds. So I know what you are going though. I have ad rep. when she heard what happen she said "I have no idea what you are going though, but any time you what even to go for coffee call me" I have only knowen her since Feb. of this year. She was more caring than so called freinds, and honest.None of this call me if you need anything which ever one said and don't really mean it, for if they did they would be calling and not waiting . So guess where is same boat. Still looking for life jacket. Tracey

Hi Dawn I know what yoy mean I to lost my mom June 13 of this year. She lived with me and now i come to a empty house so quiet.Sure i have my dog, my best friend now, but no one to ask how was their day. She to was my rock and the glue what keep the family together. No one to care what's going in my life. Like you I wish this was a dream and I could wake up and she would be here.Dont know how I am going to get throw it all. It does help to come here and vent but still alone and it hurt like H... Tracey

Well just when i thought things could not get worst,I had a staff member quiet today, she was to work today but she came in and quit. So i was stuck working all d... day. Now i have to figue out how I am going to staff store.Just about went nuts today. By 3pm I wanted out, but had no one to work. Left home at 8:30 and got home 7:30. So tired and feel like cramp.I just cant habdle much more. Still have in cancell GST and when i think just about done somthing else has to get looked after.Had enought of the legal stuff.It has been down hill and it is only Tesday feels like it should be friday. Tracey

Thanks shell My Dad died in June of 99.The two death are so what the same mom and dad went in hospial on June 1 and mom died on the 13 and dad was the 16.Two weeks of up and down for dad was called twice to hospial for dad the third time i was to late,he died between 5 and 6am andmom i was there for her that was at 5:25am.I rember both the day sunny warm and both was a wensday morning and both buried day before father day. Would like to skip June and now Dec. as well. Want to put thing back together but but know how. Just want the pain to stop. When for dont know how long i can take it all. Tracey

Thanks rosanne Very sorry for your lost. I can only image what you are feeling, I know the pain. I have never felt the way I do now I looked and around the flower beds mom loved so much and the weeds have taken over,i feel bad for letting that happen but could not look at the flower that she would not see.I had got all the weeds out last year and we went and got flowers for them. She loved the way the beds turn out and I got the solar lights for them last year to. The flowers where just starting to come good but then she ended up in hosptail in fact she was plant some flowers the day before she went to hospital,and now their a mess. I will prob. at store for most hoildays that way maybe i can forget what day it is.I to dont want xmas the real hard part will be the store for being in retail i have to have xmas stuff,and decorate the store think staff will be doing that, but dont know how to or how i can handle that little saying "have a merry" you know that i mean than "how was their xmas" Their is no xmas for me no tree no light just another day than new years day we would all ways go out for chiness, that to is gone. So many thing have changed. was not ready for this, she was to do around for many more years. The store first year will be Jan 13. The 13 a number I hate. Today he 13 my well when dry so had to get that fixed. Need runung water.Soon I wont be getting out of bed on the 13th no matter what day it falls on.Still dealing with the legal stuff lawyers, banks,, wills the cramp you have to sign and cancell will it ever end.So tried of going and saying mom has past away, for it bring all the pain back and it hurts to much. Tracey

Thanks Shell I had to go into my moms room to find will and paper. I found stuff she saved like card and some family stuff, I look at them and made sure i but them back the way I found them.It felt like I was invading she stuff dumb I know. Even belive it or not my dog which was moms body gaurd and would sleep with her wont go into her room, dont know why for if any one went in he was there.He use to look for her to come home but the day she passed he seem to know for he stop looking for her.When I would come home for hospial he would go to the door to see if she was with me,but not that day.He now sleeps with me and is my body gaurd. I ran into a freind of the family they ask how things are going,funny but they ask about the dog first had to get out quick just about lose it,did when i got out of store. It will be 2 month tommrow and I dont even want to get of bed what a way to start a week I alway hated the 13th and now i hate more. I just don't know what I am ggoing to do.the house is so emptyand queit.How i wish i could turn back the clock. My brother does not even call or come around. I was left to do a the paper work and get things in order. I thought he would be around but not. Guess mom was the glue for us now this is no glue.Sorry to ramble on.Thanks for the help. Tracey

Hi Marty I as not sure about dream for the last 5 night the dreams I had where from the past when my dad died, anut, mom in hospial and furenells, i had got sleeping pill and thought maybe they cause them, so did not take last night and up till 3:30 an other 3 hour night i just can win.Are the dreams to help,for they just make me feel more guilty about their death.Just waiting for grandmothers turn to hunt me. Hope you can help Tracey

Hi Shell I wish I could take time off but I do all the ordering and my staff would not know where or what to order, plus I did take last Wensday off and that did not help the house has so many memories and it just about kills me. I still cant turn the T.V. on in living room or even be in that room.I just live in my room. I have not even been shopping only for food which still is ceral and salads. so thats in and out.have not BBQ or that stove on still June when it all started. Have been taking the sleeping pill but since i started still dreaming and either I am going to a hosptial at a furnell I now now how scrooge felt with the 3 ghost so thing Iam going to try it out with the sleeping pills, and see what happens. Just want to turn my mind off and feeling to. I soon have to find a way throw out all of my moms pills for they are in the same place before she left. The clock by her chair even stop at 5:25am the time she died,ever thing is the way it was. It turn me apart so aviod that room. My life is now a living nightmare. Tracey

Thanks Julienne My so called freind about 4years ago her daughter rape and murder. I was there for ever court date from start to finish.I even sat though pic.s of the body from medical examer,I hardly knew who it was so black and blue. She use to call me her second mom.She was a good kid who love life.So I thought of all peolpe she would be around for me but just say her at furneal and when she son came to buy my moms car, that really hurt. I hear the T.V. but half the time don't know what i watched.Plus most of the show end in death so Iam right back where i was feelling like cramp. Still dont know where I belong,at home i just cant seem to do anything and work I feel like I am doing time. With fall come reps are taking about xmas which i dont want to come and dont know how Iam going to get though that season. Just dont know how much more i can take. I just want things back to the way it was for it to hard to go on. Tracey

All my life I could handle things, could think out any prob. and was there to help anyone who needed it. Now since my mom death my mind is gone.Can;t rember things, I wonder why I even bother getting out of bed, and the worst is I own my own bussiness which i just started this year, since my mom was able to look after her self and she even bake for my grand opening.Now she is gone and I just cant handle things. If I her one more time "It will get better" or "it takes time" I am going to lose it. I cant even work more than 4 hour, than i have to get out. I use to work 9 hour easy and than paper woke not now.I gave in and got sleeping pills hope that will turn my mind off just goes over and over the last 10 day she had and what i could have done so she would not have died.I just feel like Iam going to soon my lid and let peolpe have it. The anger in building i dont know what to do any more. I only lose it once and that was many years ago in high school so i dont even rember what happened. If I could only turn the clock back, my mom would still be here i would have taken her out of hospial.Why did,nt i do it, i let her down. How do i go on. Tracey