Jan 44

Thank you, walt. I needed your poem so much today - Thanksgiving and 31 weeks of life (?) without my David to give me Hugs. Jan

Thank you friends for your thoughts, words and prayers. They help so much since, unfortunately, you have gone through or are going through this same journey. I just thought I had gotten through this anger step earlier without being angry with the one primary person with whom I have no "issue" in this tragedy. I miss David and love him so much. Again, thanks and God bless. Jan

Since that horrible night at the hospital on April 19, 2007 I have been almost consumed with anger. For over five months, my anger has been directed towards God, The doctor and nurses. How could a person who so successfully came through "routine" surgery be allowed to die ( with only me, his wife) present, by drowning on his own blood in his hospital room after 13 hours of vomiting blood? For the past week, to my horror, I have had moments of anger directed towards my beloved David. Our 43rd anniversary was last week and he wasn't there.For the first time he won't be here for the holidays. David was my soulmate, my absolute best friend and the Love of my life. He Loved me so much and suffered so much. How on earth could I blame him for anything and be angry with him? I feel so guilty and disgusted with myself. Thank goodness I have an appointment with my grief therapist tomorrow. Maybe she can help me work this out. Since David's death, my spiritual thoughts about the existance of Heaven and Hell have changed. I believe I am now experiencing Hell an I go down this terrible road. Jan

Thank you Teeny. I have been following your postings also and pray daily for you. At first I didn't think a Grief Therapist would help anything, but after about 6 weeks, I do believe she is helping. My coping skills are improving although the grief, pain, and tears are ever present. Take care of yourself. I have found that the understanding, support and love of my children and my friends is the most important things in my life right now. That and my love and memories of my beloved, David. Jan

Hi Walt, I hope you are reading this. This is Jan 44. I lost my wonderful husband of 43 years, David, in April 2007. You Have helped me get through these early months so much and I just wanted to say "Thank You". I started seeing a Grief Therapist 6 weeks ago and she told my that it may never get easier or better , but my coping skill will improve and get stronger. I "celebrated" my 43rd Wedding Anniversary this past Sunday, 13 Oct.(Yes, I still consider myself married and I always will) I couldn't imagine earlier how I was going to get through it. The grief and lonelyness were still there, of course, as were the tears, but I coped, and I was able to relive many wonderful memories. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you Thank You and God Bless. I hope your journey gets easier and your coping skills stronger. Jan

Hi Friends, It's been a while since I've been on. I had a most amazing experience and wanted to share it - perhaps some of you have experienced something similar. Last week was extremely rough. David's birthday was on Tuesday, the 18th, Wednesday the 19th was 5 months since he "left" and Thursday was week #22. I felt so overwhelmed with grief the entire week. In my journal on Thursday night, in desperation, I asked David to "please send me a good dream". Friday night I had a dream wherein I was the one who died and David was the one doing this "Hell journey". David couldn't cope. I was the one who developed coping skills out of necessity (David was in the army for 27 years). In my dream all his old demons came back to haunt him. He was in AA and had been sober for 10 years and after becoming a 5-year survivor of lung cancer he had stopped smoking 3 years ago. In my dream he was drinking, smoking, not eating and his cancer had returned. Our children were not only grieving losing their mother but knew they were also losing their beloved father. I woke up covered in sweat with tears streaming down my face. At that moment I realized that if our Higher Power had to call for one of us, I understood why He/She called David. It sounds so weird, but that realization has given me a bit of peace. I would never want David it suffer by going down this road. He had always said he wouldn't want to live without me. Jan

My wonderful, husband David, has been gone four months now. This past week-end, however, he provided me with a much needed smile. In March David asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I replied,"I'm tired of white walls in the kitchen. I want 2 gallons of paint so we can brighten it up. I taped up about 14 samples of colors around the room and afted a week of looking at them, David picked out the color he wanted. He went in for surgery on April 17, and died unexpectedly on April 19. I, of course, didn't give painting the kitchen any thought until this last weekend. It had been an emotionally rough week and I thought this chore would bring me closer to him. One coat of primer and 3 coats of paint later, I realized just how color blind my beloved husband was. My kitchen looks like a shiny ripe tomato. As I looked at it this morning, I could hear David give a laugh and exclaim "Holy S--T! Well, you said you wanted bright" ;-) I've decided I'm going to keep the color since David picked it out and also every time I get really down, I know I have a room to go to that will bring a smile to my heart. Hope it brought a bit of a smile to all you friends out there. Jan

Teny, My name is Jan. I identify with the pain you are feeling. I lost my beloved husband, David, unexpectedly on April 19. After reading your postings, I feel that you, like me, always considered yourself to be strong enough to handle just about anything - until this, that is. David's death has literally brought me to my knees. Yesterday I swollowed my pride and went to the Dr. for help with my grief and depression. He gave me some medicine (which will take 2-4 weeks to begin working) and he also set me up with a grief counselor beginning on Wednesday. I went into his office feeling ashamed that I am unable to get through this on my own but I came out of his office feeling that I still have some control over my life. I still have the grief, the loneliness, and the tears but I feel a bit stronger somehow. I will say some extra prayers for you tonight - that you find some peace. Jan

Thank you KayC and William. My children and my friends keep telling me to get out and "do things" to help with the lonely feeling. They try but they just don't understand that this is not your "garden variety" type of loneliness. It's a real blessing to discuss it with someone who knows exactly what I mean. Again thanks for being here.

It is so difficult for me to handle this new feeling of "aloneness". Before that terrible evening of April 19, 2007, I didn't really get lonely because I had my wonderful David. Now I don't. Now I feel alone in a crowd or even with my family and friends. It's such a cold, terrible feeling. I wonder if this is something else that I'll never "get over, but I'll get used to"?

Thank you so much for the list of books and for being here. Jan

Sometimes I feel like I'm observing life from the outside - sort of like Scrooge with his three ghosts. I observe people talking to me - asking me how I'm doing, how my day's going, expressing their sympathy, etc. and I feel so much empathy for the "me" being observed, but the reality or actuality of it doesn't hit me until a bit later. That was really me they were talking to. I don't know if my mind is not ready to totally face the reality of losing David yet and is therefore protecting me or if I'm going crazy. The last fifteen weeks just do not feel real and sometimes I am unaware of the passage of time. Each hour of each day seems to go by so painfully slow but then when I realize that it's been 15 weeks it seems like it went by in the blink of an eye. My children and my friends are urging me to get some professional help. I guess they might be right. My thought is that when a person loses their best friend and the love of their life - we started going together 47 years ago at the age of 16 and have been married almost 43 years - so unexpectedly, it's going to take the mind and heart quite a bit of time to catch up to reality.

Thank you for your thoughts, Teny. I've been following some of your postings and I am so sorry for your loss. I am so thankful I found this site. I have wonderful friends who have gone out of their way to try to help, but they just cannot understand what is going on with me right now. It's so helpful talking with people who are going through the same thing. Jan Thank you. I never thought about the need to save voice messages before. Now that I see how precious the message - "Hi, this is Dave. Sorry you missed me. Leave a message and I will get back to you just as soon as I can" - has become, I have decided that for Christmas this year I am going to buy those small hand-held message machines for all four of our children and record a personal message of love for each one of them. Jan

Thank you Spela, I do want to know the details, because I feel that if the Dr. had paid attention to what the nurses were reporting, something could have been done. The autopsy results were inconclusive, they couldn't find anything that was causing all the internal bleeding that he was vomiting and eventually aspirated on. I was advised to contact a lawyer who has a specialist he consults with. They are "looking into it". The Dr. has been avoiding me. It shouldn't have happened. I think that is one of the reasons I'm having so much trouble accepting it. Jan Thank you kayc for your words and thoughts. I'm cancelling my cell phone and keeping David's just so I can hear his voice. Don't know if that is a "healthy" move but listening to him every now and then has been a comfort on really rough days. Jan

My David's been gone 14 weeks now and it still doesn't seem possible that this horrible thing has happened. One morning the Dr. says he's doing wonderfully well after his routine leg surgery. Twelve hours later He's dead. No one can explain what happened. I see his truck in the driveway when I drive home from work and for a brief moment I feel that feeling of anticipation-David's home- or the phone will ring and I think "That's David calling to give me my hug" or at night I absent mindedly reach over to his side of the bed expecting to feel him there. Of course each of these brief moments is followed by that punch-in-the-gut realization that he's not here. It seems like my mind is playing cruel games with my heart.I miss him so much. I used to wonder why it was called "a broken heart" now I know how real the pain is.

Thank you all for replying. It helps so much to know that I'm not alone on this terrible journey . Jan

My husband used to complain that I had too much energy for one person. I had to be doing something all the time even if it was just cross-stitch while we watched tv. Since that horrible day in April, however, I feel exhausted all the time. I've never needed more than 6-7 hours of sleep. Now, I average about 5-6, which I feel is good, considering the circumstances. But I still feel so tired. Just getting through a day sometimes seems impossible. I work as a Nanny = a job that has been a real blessing for me right now. I am forced to stay "up-beat" and focused for the boys (ages 4 and 7) all day, but my energy level has dropped dramatically. When I come home at night the last thing I want to think about is housework or fixing dinner. I make myself get on my stationary bike for 30 minutes a day, but still that never bothered me before. Is this a "normal"phase of grieving? My attitude is "Why bother". On week-ends, I have lists and lists of things I want to get done, but on Sunday night (like tonight) I hang those lists up for next week-end. Meanwhile, the weeds are growing in the gardens, the furniture is collecting layers of dust and the kitchen floor is badly in need of a good mopping. I just don't understand what is happening. Jan

My husband ,David, and I used to always write little love notes to each other and call each other up on the phone during the day to give a "hug". Even after 42 years of marriage. I miss that so much now. I have discovered that the only way for me to get any rest at night is to write David a love letter telling him about the day's frustrations, sadness, memories that cropped up, how much I love and miss him, etc. I'm on page 81 tonight. Someday I hope I will be able to share a happy thought now and then, but that day is a way off right now. It does help me get rid of some of the stress and the tears that build up and prevent sleep. Don't know what I'll do with the letters later on, but I'm not worrying about that. Perhaps I'll burn them and add their ashes to his. Some nights, when I can't stay asleep, I'll add a P.S., P.P.S. ... Jan

Monika, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad and my Mom 4 years ago. Mom died just 4 months after Dad. She was my best friend. I always kidded with her that our long distance phone calls were better and cheaper than therapy. I was making a lot of progress with learning to live with the pain - enjoying all those special memories of together time with her. Three months ago I lost my other best friend - My beloved husband of 42 years, David. I needed so badly to be able to talk to Mom - to get some of her strength to get through this. Now, at least for the time being, I almost feel like I'm back at square one with my grieving for Mom. I try to remember that with time, I will one day learn to live with all this pain and find some joy in life again. However, I also know that it will take a lot of time and grief to get to that place. As a child, I always remember my Mom telling me during difficult times "This too shall pass". Hang in there and be gentle with yourself.

Hi, This is my first time. My husband, David, and I were married 42 years. We have 4 grown children. On April 17, 2007, David had successful routine surgery on his left leg to clear out a clogged artery. On April 18, the Dr. said the surgery was successful and David would be able to go home on Friday, the 20th. I called the children and told them the good news and they all talked to their dad. ON Thursday, April the unthinkable happened. David had begun vomiting blood early that morning. We talked to his Dr. during rounds but he didn't consider it a danger. According to the written reports, the nurses kept the Dr. informed of the on and off vomiting that went on all day, but he never returned to the hospital to check on my husband.. At 7:55 that evening, while talking and holding hands, my David suddenly stopped breathing - he had aspirated on his own blood. He was in the hospital - how could this happen? To this day, his Dr. has not talked to me . I feel so angry that he appears to have just written David off as no further concern. The autopsy could not determine any reason for the vomiting or internal bleeding. My children and I are still in such total shock. Even after 3 months I still can't accept the fact that he won'twalk through our door.