walter/Erica

Hi

I thought it might help us if we each try to post something positive that's happened to us this week. It doesn't have to be grief related, just anything good or something small that lifted your spirits.

Mine is that I surprised myself this evening by actually singing along to a song on the radio. I didn't even notice I was doing it until the song was half over. I take that as a sign of progress.

I hope many respond here. We could all use a lift!

Its so hard to find something positive when ones in this space, but I think its good to try as we all have blessings , daily in our lives

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Yes, its a really tough rd, tougher than any rd i have ever been on before. I am trying so hard not to get stuck on the constant journey from hope to despair and back to hope again. What a vicious cycle it was/ is . It lasted for 3 years. 1 year before he died and on 8 March 2009 it will be two years since his death, and I still feel in the cycle although more hopeless now than ever before I think. I really dont want to feel like this, its not my choice and I am trusting God for a real miracle in my lfe very soon

Hi, Have any of you seen the Movie " Revolutionary Rd'? I would love to hear your views. I found teh movie evocative. Several different themes and would like to hear your views

I think it is normal for awhile thinking that you will never find happiness again. However, I also believe that after time you can learn to find happiness. I know for me it took a while, and even as I appraoch 3 years I still have my moments. I have found tho it seems like this past year has been better than the first 2 years. I wish I could give you the secret to beoming happy again, however I don't have an answer to it for you as each of us are different. For me I became active in my church, getting involved in the children's ministry as a Sunday school teacher and running the sound for their Sunday night program. By being active, it took the focus off of me and put my energy into something else. I know from your previous posts that you don't have a support group over there which I think would help you a lot. Since you don't see if you can find some sort of charitable organization that you can help.

Love always

Derek

Hi Derek, remember me, its Erica. I went off radar for a while. Its good and encouraging hearing that you are better. it will be 2 years in March. And it really has been a bad year. I didnt think that the 2nd year would be like this. In many ways it feels even worse than the first year after losing my husband. The other aweful feeling is the feeling of incredible loneliness for a relationship I think. Not sure of the nature of teh relationship, but theres is a desire to have a male friend take me out for dinner, movies etc

I too have fears about my future : Fear of being single and alone, fear of the twists life holds for me on my own , fear that I am always going to feel sad and empty and directionless and hopeless, fear that my relationship with God will be affected more negatively,....its just so hard,but having said all thsi deep down inside I trust God to not only get me thru, but get me thru well

Hello Everyone..today is 2 years since my beloved husband Bruce died..how can that be..it was just yesterday that we were talking about all the things that we wanted to do now that the kids are all grown up and on their own...my heart is so heavy and the tears are flowing...I miss him so much..there are so many things that we will not get done that we thought that we would..like watching are grandsons grow up...do the travelling that we where hoping to do and just grow old and gray together and rock on our front porch...I know that life goes on and the world moves and changes and I have to but I will never be the woman I was before this happened to me...he was the best and most kind man that I have ever meant and to think that he made me his wife..what a lucky girl I was to have meant him and married him and had his 3 beautiful kids...god has truely blessed me ...I just wish that he was still here with me to share are the wonderful things that life still has in store for us..but I know in my heart that he is watching over us today and everyday...thank you all for being here for me these last 2 years I really dont know where I would be if my daughter had not found this site for me..you are the most loving and caring people that have ever meant in my life..thank you again...Love Gail

Hi Gail

How are you doing today? i aws a bit better at work today. Much more energised than the past weeks and I praise God for this blessing. I am waiting in a spirit of expectancy ( faith I guess) for God to just show me in a real way taht He loves me

I jsut so need Gods healing I feel so empty and broken and useless. I miss Walter so much. I also feel a bit envious when othesr speak of how God is blessing them..then I ask myself whats wrong with me Gail? Erica xxx

Hi Annie

I read The Shack this weekend and it had quite an impact on me..I identified so with Mack and his anger and blaming God for losing Missy. It will be 2 years in March since I lost my husband and have been blaming God. I have now been challenged to forgive God and stop blaming Him. I also did not ( still do feel a little) feel God does not love me ,as he wouldnt have allowed Walter to die if He did and Because I think He doesnt love me , I cant trust Him with my future..... I love God and am busy praying thru this. My prayer is that God will just show me His love in a tangible way very soon. I am dealing with the aftermath of grief now, the loneliness, the not having anything to look forward to etc...But I would suggest the book for people who are grieving. Love Erica

Hi Linda its 22 months for me since I lost my precious husband and am wanting to know what transcending will look like for me. It feels like this loss has so taken the wind out of my sail and I will never be fully functioning again, even though I am..I have a job, run a home etc. Life just seems so meaningless and purposeless...I am so afraid . I so dont want to be doubting God like this..

I was scared 22 months ago when I lost my husband, now i am really scared,scared that I will always feel likre this and never know joy or happiness ever again. How am i going to manage for another 10/ 20 years. Feels like I am just existing now and Ill never be able to pretend like this for longer. I thgt it would get esaier, I thought Id be a lot better, graciously healed almost completely by God....

Not sure if this is acceptance or just giving up on life / resignation..please help. I just feel like I have NO expectations of God, the new year or the rest of my life for that matter,have any of you ever felt like that . Its nearly 2 years for me since I lost my husband. I hate this feeling of not being sure if I EVER am going to look forward to something good in this life ever again. Its like each and every day is teh same. If something is going to be different, I have to do it, make the day different for myself, and I am just so tired. I so long to be "surprised/blessed" by God. Will that ever happen?

i can really identify with the anger. I still ( 22 months later) get angry at cancer survivors and If i hear that someone has cancer, i think oh they probably wll die too! Maybe later on with more healing I and you too will feel better .

I want to start a list of the couples here...I could name many of them but don't want to leave anyone out, so please add your name and the name of the spouse you lost...I want to pray for each of you in this new year.

Kay and George

Erica and Walter

Hi today is the last day of 2008. I recall mostly pain and unhappiness, loneliness and longing. There have been blessings though, the grief is not as hard to bear and I am feeling a bit better in many ways. God has brought me thru. I have no feelings about the new year. If anything I am quite negative and right now cant see that it will be any different from last year. I have nothing to look forward to, and its terrible having to live like this. I need a miracle in my life. However I pray that God will touch each one of you on thsi site in a really special way. Erica x

Hi all,

Just wanted to let you know I am going through alot of things right now and I haven't posted or responded because I am having so many troubling times, but I know I really need you all more than ever. As some of you know, or don't my beloved Dan died on 08/20/2007 at the age of 41, we have been blessed with 3 great children and we were together 24 years, married 20, cancer took his life. Within 4 months my best friend died of a accidental overdose, and 3 months after that my beloved grandmother died. My sister in law is battling for her life with lymphoma and my mother in law's cancer is active and internal now. My 21 year old son is battling some illness which dr.'s cannot figure out what is wrong with him. He has stomach pain all the time, hardly eats, and is blah. We are going through all the tests processes and hope to hear something soon. My 17 year old daughter has eosphagus disease and psorisis (which is attacking her immune system, no cure or nothing we can do for this) She also has troubling swallowing and eating. She is allergic to tons of stuff, dairy and eggs being just a start(trying to make her soft nutritional foods is a challenge) I keep trying to keep my head up, but feel like I am in a downward spiral. I cannot understand why all this pain. Why did Dan die? Why are my children suffering? Physically and mentally? I am not sleeping well and took a break for a few months from school due to I cannot focus or concentrate. I am persuing my dream of being a pharmacy technician and I will graduate with a associates in Science. I am going into IV meds/chemotherapy or pharmacutical sales. I just seem to be losing my spark and faith in life.I keep praying for relief and hope but the despair keeps piling up. I am so tired of this and wonder all the time with the whys. Dan and I had so many plans. I need him here so much as his sister, mother and 2 of our 3 children battle to stay healthy. In spite of all this, I know people out there need my help, therefore my children, myself and in laws will be doing a variety of things at the St Lukes church to help feed the hungry for Christmas. I pray for strength and wisdom. I love you all on this site and thank you for all your support. This pain and hurt has changed me and now this depression I am in has really taken a toll on me. I have tried dr.'s, medicine and all that but I still continue to be depressed and sad. Ugh, this life sucks and I wish I was with Dan, but I know that is not God's plan, but what is??? Sometimes I feel like I am being punished for something and I deserve this but then I don't know why. Watching your soulmate take his last breath has been a haunting and troubling image I wish I did not have. I wish you all peace and love from my heart. Love, Kim

Kim, You have sspoken with my tongue. I feel similalrly to you in so many ways. thsi despair and darkness all related to my widowhood has just all but finished me. My precious faith in God si taking major strain and I feel like God has truly turned His back on me. Erica x

Hello all, Its been a year since I last posted on this site. Much has happened, but its good to be back. Its been 21 and a half months for me since I lost my darling husband Walter . I am feeling terrible, pain is still there, more manageable I suppose but now I also feel the loneliness and emptiness, the 'not having anything to look foraward to" fear of the future, a future on my own. The holidays have been aweful with me running around visiting, popping in to people to avoid the pain of being on my own. I am dreading New Years , and I turn 50 on Friday 2nd Jan..I dont feel in the mood for a celebaration, theres nothing to celebrate . i will have to pull myself together as my kids have organized a special birthday party for me. It feels good to be amongst friends who have experienced what I have.

Also thankful for :

the love of my late husband, my marriage of 25 years

My home, car, finances

our CHILDREN

My job

We loved and lived

my friends especially here on the site

Walter free of pain, suffering all earthly challenges

We're 8 months into our journey, not just starting

Hi

Today I vistsed a colleague whose wife may be dying because of lung cancerr. She is unconscious and he was so broken. I found myself thanking God that I am not starting the journey he is on.. In a macabre way...not gloating but truly thankful that God has been with me the past 8 months and I am here where I am today. thank You God and thank you friends. I pray for continued healing for each one of us, and may we see our loved ones soon...very soon.

erica xxx

Kayc you are always there for us... I am praying that God will hold you and bless you now and be with your husband. Take Care, Love Erica

Hi Gail and Lyn, my thoughts are with You both. Gail You are so right, 5 months 10, months, 20 years 100 decades , its all STILL PAIN..EXCRUCIATING PAIN!!! Dear God I pray for each one of us widows /widowers on this site . Touch us , and comfort us and lift us up today, right now in a miraculous way ,respecially Gail and Lyn today, Plesae have mercy on us and comfort us . Lift us up in Jesus name. Your Words says You will sustain the widow...

Like Desertbob says we all have better days. Today is a better day for me, you all know i have been very down for a solid month, so you WILL feeel better, both of you. take Care, Erica xx

I am feeling terrible. I feel so sad ..so sore and heavy Will this feeling ever go away. for the past month I have been posting, this is mostly how have been feeling . i just feel so stuck, so joyless, so grey. Will my world ever have colours again....I am so angry, life seems so unfair. the worse thing is i am so scared about my relationship with God....He feels so far away. If He discards me, thats me gone.......i pray that God will do a miracle and just have mercy on me and give me a break...

Hi Friends

I too have my elderly parents staying with me. They are still quite fit and healthy in all respects and I thank God for that...however i too have been feeling that its unfair, you see they have argued and fought verbally with each other all their lives. Walter and i didnt do that in our last few years.... also it just triggers off such terrible childhood meemories for me..I can walk in from work in the eve and I will immediately pick up tension. They then dont speak to each other for days..I would never do that to Walter..Life seems so unfair.. Look at all of us who would love our spouses back and would never argue with them..I am not going home early tonight....

Hi Waiting to hear from you my friend..I senmt uyou an e mail in my lunchtime???

Hi Just come into my hotel room, sitting near a little stream on a bench, studying for my exam to morrow on Debt Counselling /Our National Credit Act and guesss what, I just thought I have actually been able to focus for an hour. thank You Lord. I have read in the Bible that it helps for us to be thankful and grateful and in spite of my circumstances theres much to be grateful to God for...Its just when I think about the trauma in Walters ill ness and death over the past few montsh, i just get so depressed and then just see the world as Black

However let me list some of my blessings:

I am Gods child

Walter is out of pain and suffering

At work 2 colleagues spouses have been diagnosed with cancer, and I am counselling 2 young widows who have just started on their journey. Thank God I dont have to work thru cancer diagnosis and that I am 8 months into my journey..I feel so for thes young widows

Not much but its a start