walter/Erica

Erica,

DUring the first months after Karen died, I had several beers at night every night, it was the only way that I could numb the pain that I felt. As time went by I realized one night that I hadn't had any beer for a week. It is hard to trust God at a time like this when we are feeling so much pain. Later you will realize that God was doing things for you all along and for myself I came out of this with a deeper faith and closness with God that I have never had before. Hang in there, good luck on your exam you will do fine.

Love always

Derek

Derek I long for that better relationship with the LOrd. I feel so empty now and a bit guilty about numbing myself, however what you shared gave me peace, so I know its From God. Please tell me when did yoiu stop using alcohol and then what was your predominat feelinga at the time. Do you still drink ocaasionally and how many months after Karen died did you develop this wonderful testimony and feel closer to God. Please let mem know. It really helps being able to ask these silly questions and to know that you too have experienced what i am and got out of it. Glory To God. Please pray and intercede for me

Thank You Kay C and Derek for your words of encouragement. thank you Lord

Gail I got your post thanx. Will chat to you later, watch for my mail

Derek how good to hear from you and I feel better. I have no intention of becoming a drunk, but its so nice to know that in Gods time, He helped you and you are still an amazing Christian.. I had the exact thoughts that you have expressed earlier on when praying, but thought I am just defending my actions. As long as God keeps His hand on me, never lets me go and then uses me in His service when the time is right for His glory.. I just dont want to risk myt salvation by being my own Dr...

Hi I am just missing home, Cape Town and you all. I only managed to get my laptop workimng now and i so needed to have the safety net that you all provide. I feel better than my last trip. I was really down and so tearful for 4 days. I am on an intense course with an exanm pending, so this may be my reason for feeling numb and no pain... Or I am having some alcohol at night... Warm fuzzy hazy feeling to numb my grief. I feel a bit bad, as a ChrChristian, should I not be trusting God more... I dont want thsi experienceto be wasted..so much has been lost alreday. I am having teh 2 beers at night. What do you think.. I feel so pathetic , hopeless and I just feel is God ever going to heal me completely, restore my joy and give me a ministry to do for Him.

I am in Johannesburg on business. gail good to see you are feeling better.I Think I am too, so scared to say it . last business trip was aweful. i was so depressed. Please e mail me...

Thanx girls. Yes I got through today, Thank you God and thank you for your prayers. It has made a difference...I had a picture in my mind of open heart surgery. You know when they show the heart pulsating and the heart is all bloody...well I picture mine like that bleeding and bruised black and blue and hanging onto the rest of the organs by a very thin thread.....thats my broken heart!

Christmasstime, Yes I also went all out . Decorating, cooking, baking , taking out Christmas China, and I taught Walter to love the season. This year I dont want to do the tree but I will take out some candles and ornaments. Wont do the fruit cake as he loved fruit cake.... I thought I will buy a Christmas card to my Husband and put it next to his ashes. He always bought the largest and most beautiful and loving card for me..and jewelry for my Christmas gift. We would share a bottle of Champagne on Christmas eve and I would have a special Christmas nightgown....

Bob, Suzanna , Lorikelly, Thank you for your words of encouragement. After I posted my note at work, I walked into a colleagues office and just burst into tears...a release of all thsese feelings. My colleagues prayed for me then and there, like you are doing. Right now sitting in bed and feeling numb, which is better than the emotions felt earlier on. i will try and spend some quality time with God later on..Bob, so your Linda wsa sick for 31 years..plesae tell me more...And I do have blessings to count. Thank you for reminding me

Love

Erica xx

Tomorrow will be 8 months . Derek, KAyc, Wendy , Corrinne and other dear friends, how could this have happened. Today I feel that God has left me to manage this burden on my own. I am not Gods favourite Child and maybe He is punishing me for something that I did I dont feel His love and I so desperately need to. Walter and I were scared with Death three times. Three times God allowed us to reach that point and then I thought He would reward us for being faithful, but He then decided to punish us and take Walter just like that!

I cannot go on like this... It fells like this is what my life is going to be like...But the BIble speaks of abundant life...Thank you for listening...sorry about the outburst. I just feel so terrible.

Thanx Karen and Derek. It feels like I am in the thick of things. I am feeling so scared because it feels like I will never come out of this...My main concern at the momemnt is that God will leave me stuck here forever...it sure feels that way to me

I have also felt Derek, that I could have "sleep therapy" from 1 December to 6th January , so i would not have to face Christmasstime, my wedding anniversary and my birthday. I am holding ont Jesus and to the example set by you all

I feeel terrible. Its 8 montsh...I feel like I am reeling....by surely the most horrific event in my life . In the New Testamnet .Jesus askes the question' Will I find faith on earth when I rerturn" I feel like my faith is being really tied and tested. You all sound so good, I pray that God will get the rest of us to the point where mnay of you are

There is also the story of the women who was bent over for 18 years. I feel doubled over like that with grief

Thanx Shell, thats my fear, I love them so much and I know that they could die at anytime and I know that would be aweful for me , cause I want to be okay with them. So my prayer is for God to give me more patience and love and tolerance for them, and also for God to warn me before they die, so I could give them a bumper amoiunt of love and time...Erica x

Wendy, my 8 months will be the day after yours, on 8th November. At least you will be so busy ....who will be coming, just your children or the extended family and friends as well? i made sure that we are at Walters siters home with his family. I think for me it will be harder being at my own home.

I will however still cook and bake my shareof goodies...Initially I was so tempted not to decorate the house at all, but I read in one of my grief books thats the wrong thing to do! ..to make as if Christmas does not exist. The author suggested taking out just some of the trimmings and I will do that...I have so many...

Derek, you are so right. I am praying that God will bless us with a beautiful day where He will just bless my children and I , and enfold us in His love...And it is definitely about working myself up before all of these big days. So I pray for peace and calm and more faith to believe In Gods provision for our special needs at Christmasstime

You are right Derek. Please pray for me for teh fruit of teh spirit called PATIENCE!

Some time back I read on this site that the 5th -8th months were the hardest, that it will get better from here on. Its one week short of eight months for me...will it really get better from this point? Please say it will. Derek I am sure this wsa your experience.....I cant handle this anymore. I feel so desperate

Gail, we have many things in common. I am 48 yrs. I have my son Jody age 25 and Jill age 19. Walter and i were married for 25 years and courted for 5 years. So for 30 out of my 48 yrs i knew him intimately.A lifetime, which if it werent for my children and my strong belief in My God who is responsible for perfect timing, I would want my life to end!

Do you work?... I am sitting at my desk right now feeling physically ill..not sure if its my anxiety levels or a drop in blood sugar. Just feeling so shaky...This current bout of blues have beeen with me for about 10 days..no letting up yet...I am just clinging to God to help me get thru each day, no each second. this is so hard!

Hi Gail, it was just to check the ages of your children ( sorry if I have asked before) Also to say, that I am feeling alot like you do. my main question was around Christmasstime...Have you thought about it..how different it will; be..we cant pretend its not there as we have children and families..What are your thoughts on coping with the holidyas?

The only 2 people that I am really irritable with are my parents.I feel so guilty. They have been wonderful to me, They are 76 and 70 years old respectively. They live in a flatlet away from our main family home, but on the same properyty My Mom cooks each evening, they go out of their way to help me, I actually feel like their little girl who needs loking after, But I find myself becoming impatient with them for the following reasons:

They are often checking everything( minor details) with me e.g care of plants, menu other minor details

They talk while I am watching a programme on telly or concentrating on something

They interuupt....

They worry when I am out, I feel obligated to tell them where I am

I know they mean well and I really dont want to hurt them, and I feel it will take too much energy out of me to talk to them about my petty irritations

Gail ,I sent you an e mail in response to the mail you sent me on 8 months ; dull agony.

Dear Friends its been nearly 8 months for me since my darlings death, and we are approaching Christmas. it was by far the best time of the year for us as a family. Each year my deceased husband would say the same thing..."This year I am going to give you the best Christmas ever" , and every year was indeed better than the last one. He aslo bought me the most beaurtiful presents. To complicate matters , my 26th wedding anniversary is on 5 Dec and my birthday on 2 January. Presently I am praying and started praying on 28 Sept. specifically for strength during this period, as well as peace and the gift of joy( which is different to happiness)I used to start getting Christmas fever from round about now. Any advice for me please?

Gail, thank you. Im sorry if I asked this question before, but how old are your children? I have been really missing Walter and in deep emotinal pain the last 10 days. I have learnt to " ride the storm" and with Gods help i am doing that. I know I will feel better at some stage. What are your thoughts and feelings on the approaching Christmas season. It used to be the best time of the year for our family.....I am approaching the season with apprehension, but also trusting God to carry me through speediliy and all of us on this site

Hi Friends, havent posted in a while but as I read thru the e mails i am feeling like many of you do..Sad, miserable, tired, envious( of other who are still married)lonely , plain sick and tired! I just miss him so much and this feeling has been almsot pervasive for weeks, now. Very similar to the way I felt in the first few months after losing Walter..I wake up with this horrible feeling, and go to sleep with the same aweful feeling. Why? Why? why?

The blood results from the Dr were fine. Its grief..pure and simple!Please pray for me. Its just so sore, cant imagine that I was "okay" a few weeks ago

I still feel like joining Walter in Heaven, but like many of you, I think about Jody and Jill and that I cannot do this to them. They have been traumatised enough by the death of their father, and its this, that I need to remind myself all the time. More importantly that its NOT Gods time for me to die yet, maybe I will be okay

hello..saw my Dr today. took bloods to exclude organic causes for my pain. Thinks its fibromylagia. will call me tomorrow with results.

I cried with him. He was such a good Dr to Walter.

I just feel so down..I hate this life right now without him. I ache and long for him, WHY. cant even pray , please pray for me

I am so glad the topic of medication has come up

I am currently on aropax ( mild anxiolytic and antidepressant). Have been for a few years as I tend to get a bit anxious( personality). However late last year and early this year, was very taumatic with Walters illness and death. I started taking a mild sleeping tablet to knock myself out, so I could sleep and then face the next gruelling long day at hospital. Once he died I continued with the slepping tab for the same reason, to get rid of my pain and heartache for at least 7 hours of night sleep. The other day my 19 year old daughter said " Mom, you ned to come off the meds as they are not good for you. Well I know! that I am a nurse..so I tried to wean myself off both meds. Well at 01:45 one morning, I was still wide awake and felt very anxious on day 2 of reducing the arpoax. So needless to say, still taking my meds What should I do? I sometimes feel as a Christian,that I am not trusting God with my sitaution... Maybe God would miraculously heal me and I wouldnt need meds..am

Thanx for the advice. I also read widely taht body aches and pains are part of grief, however I did schedule an appointment with my Doctor for tomorrow

I think I need some time off from work...havent had that luxury..Will see what Dr says. I dont want to be dishonest, so I have applied for annual leave for Thursday and Friday

Love you all. You make it easier for me and I thank God for this site and I pray that God will bless each of you in a really special and tangible way today