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Riverbear

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About Riverbear

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  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Hospice Care Center of Boulder County
  1. I lost my wife and best friend Karin to liver disease on June 5th. Like Dave's situation, she was hospitalized May 6th, got better, got worse, got better, got worse. Came home 5/21, went into hospice June 2nd because of bleeding, and left me 12:30AM June 5th. Same day as Reagan. I am a broken man. She was 46. My whole future is in pieces, now. They say I'll feel like this for months. I can't endure months of this. I miss my wife.
  2. I lost my wife June 5th. I can relate to much of what you're saying. I'm having trouble with co-workers and family and friends trying to help me - people who I otherwise talk to on the phone four times a year calling me every 3 days, my brother who I haven't spent more than 6 hours with at a time since the 70's coming out to visit for five days. I have a grief counselor who listens to me, and says little. No one has any answers, yet they all insist on "being there for me". People ask me how I'm doing - I don't know what to say. I miss my wife. I care little about my job or the house, my health (I started smoking again), my bills. I feel like the guts of my life have been kicked out. I'm numb. My life has little meaning. I have thoughts about ending it all - not to stop the pain, but just so I can see her again. I was a one person and one life before she got sick. I became another person while she was sick and I tended to her. I became yet another person in my searing grief and pain when she left. And they say I'll become yet another person "over time". My whole life, everything that really mattered to me, was about her and our life together. How can I re-order my life and rebuild when I don't even have the energy or interest in doing dishes or going to work in the morning? I am completely broken. I have sought some insight into death, and the afterlife. I want to know where she is, if she can really see and look after me. It's about faith - faith requires hope, and I have none. And they say this will last for months. It's like an emotional cancer - it just grows and grows and saps your strength, and never really goes away. And my next destination is being a lonely, depressed slob.
  3. yellowroseoftex03 - I lost my wife June 5, 2004 to liver disease. When I see ammonia levels, lactulose, seizures, etc - I can definitely relate to your pain. The first GI guy that saw my wife said she'd survive, none of the subsequent docs ever said that again. My wife never went into ICU - she was at home, recovering slowly from her hospitalization, then had a bad bleed. Went to hospice, had another bad bleed, slipped into a coma and died two days later. I held her hand as she slipped away. I was there at the end. Really tore me up, but I know I did the right thing.
  4. We were together 15 years - just married this Valentine's Day, at 12,500' at our favorite ski mountain. She passed on June 5th, from liver failure. She was 46 - we have no kids, no close friends, and no nearby family. We always relied on each other. Counselors, chat rooms, friends/family, comforting messages like 'She's watching over you now'...nothing seems to be helping. I keep hearing I should expect this terrible pain to continue for months or years. I can't. I am done.
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