leeann

Laura I'm so sorry about the loss of your Mom.

These are very early days for you yet and I SO can indentify with what you have posted.

How you feel is about how I felt right after the loss of my Mom. I was just so focused on getting things done and taken care of. I couldn't even go into "feelings" at that time. I decided.. I would just deal with what was in front of me and deal with the feelings and emotions later on after I got what I had to get done.... done.

I knew I wouldn't have been able to do a decent job of going through her things, getting the house ready for the market & on the market and care for her house... plus everything that was normally required for me to do in my own home & family if I tried to "do" the emotionally aspect of grieving all at once.

I also knew I wouldn't be able to do a decent & healthy job of grieving if I was too busy trying to get loads of stuff done. So I just kinda went at the "To Do" list and whenever I felt tears (which was rare in the first months)... I let them fall.. blew my nose and kept on going. But I must tell you... I didn't cry very much at ALL in the beginning and really didn't cry hard til I was months out from her death.

I couldn't open up the 'emotional box' because I was too busy filling up real boxes with real stuff in them. So only after the house was sold did I even really have a decent cry over Mom. And then only for a bit because I had other emegencies that had popped up that I had to deal with in my immediate family.

So not til ALL of that calmed down did I begin to grieve in earnest... and.. sorry to say.. that was almost a year after she had passed. BUT.. that was my reality and what I could handle.

And even WITH doing that.. oh boy.. my mind was a sieve... SO frustrating not to be able to come up with words... or even THOUGHTS! But that was all just part of it. ANd I learned to write nearly everything down. LOL I still have this legal pad I started on the day after we found Mom dead and it is literally a diary of what I did and lists of what I had left to do. Notes scribbled in margins for follow-ups .. it's a mess. BUT I would have been doomed without that legal pad. Absolutely DOOMED.

(I'm convinced.. having kids kills brain cells and losing people also kills brain cells... lol)

So "opening up" Maybe doesn't come for a bit. As you say you have quite a bit to do. So.. maybe just focus on what is right in front of you and deal with whatever you can and leave the rest for another time.

I know one thing that helped me tremendously was NOT judging me or my grief process. I decided it was my grief and I would do it in my own way. And that is true for all of us... it is our own grief and we do it in our own way and in our own time. There is NO wrong way to do this. Whatever works for each of us is what we need to do.

But comparing my grief to others' I found to be totally unproductive & actually harmful. Each relationship is different so each grief will be different.

Thinking that I wasn't crying enough or crying too much???.... Forget about it.. that thinking (should could would) only made me feel worse. So I quit that thinking and just accepted me as I was at any given moment in time. And I continue to do this and I think it has made my grieving ALOT easier.

So if you are asking is it normal to feel like a robot somewhat... I don't know.. but I think so. I sure did. I just couldn't go into the expression of emotions til I had gotten done all of the house & estate stuff. I was akin to the lil energizer bunny... I just kept going and going and going... til that was all finished.

And then I began to feel.... and any prior concerns I had about not "feeling" quickly evaporated. I was feeling alright.. right down to my toes and into my heart & soul. Painful... as in... very.

So Laura... don't worry... from all you have told us... what you are experiencing is all to familiar and I would say totally normal. The feelings will come when you can deal with them.

Just concern yourself with what is important to you right this moment. Deal with the estate and household items as best you can. The feelings will come....

You are NOT whining and this is a BIG DEAL. So if I were you I wouldn't minimize this one iota. Realize this is HUGE and you are doing the very best you can. Try to just continue to focus on one minute at a time. Disburse the household in the best way you can... and try to give yourself some breaks... as in physical ones and also emotional ones. Go easy with you... because this is hard.

We are here for you. We may not jump right onto a post & immediately respond for many reasons. But know we will get to it eventually.. we are all at different points in our own grief journeys too.

I'm so happy that you found us here but very sorry you had to. I know being here in this community has made my own grief journey much easier. It is so nice to just come here and vent or ask questions... etc And also in time it is good to lean back & lend a hand to someone else too. That always makes me feel a bit better. So thanks for posting and keep us updated on how you are doing.

leeann

Oh Mel I'm so sorry...

((((((((((((((((Mel)))))))))))))))

All I have is hugs to give you. As I know I can't possibly understand your pain.

But I hope the hugs help.

And please remind us when you are getting close to NM. We'll be going "with" you.

leeann

Enjoy!

leeann

Oh Em.. I don't think you were jealous of a six yr old.

I think you were just missing your Dad. And that's normal. And we all at times just "want them back".

You aren't a child. You are an adult, grieving a big loss.

I think your response is absolutely normal.

Don't be so hard on yourself. This IS hard.

((((((Hugs))))))

leeann

I am certain that I was not even a subconscious thought while they settled on it.

LOL I don't doubt that. You know how newlyweds or almost newlyweds are... and... that is how it should be I guess. I know when various family member's passed away was definitely NOT on my hub's to be or my mind when we chose our date.

And yes it makes perfect sense in a way that your niece and her intended chose that weekend to enable others the time to travel etc. (Plus... don't forget they could take one additional day off from work with a Nat'l holiday in there... hub & I did the same but with a different holiday.) So I 'm glad you can see why they chose that day perhaps. And bless your Candian cousins .. I'm sure they will be helpful to you the day of the wedding as well.

That permission, was the trick.

Well... to be blunt...and forgive me.. BUT....

You don't NEED anyone's permission to talk about Bob or to express your emotions.

You CAN'T put a damper on the day. That's impossible. How other's feel about your expression of emotions is up to THEM.. and is out of your control. They will have as good a time as they decide to have. (and of course.. so will you.) But I really think if you have any emotions that happen to spill a bit down your cheeks that day... one would hope.. that would be understood as being perfectly natural. So worry not... and if it isn't... their problem... not yours.

I was welling up at that wedding I told you about.. YUP right there IN church while the happy couple were on the altar...

And.. believe it or not... NO ONE cared, no one seemed upset by them.

They were bittersweet tears... I was missing Mom & Dad and thinking about their marriage.. my own... but I was also recalling that how wonderful a moment it was for my cousin and her brand new hub. But the fact that I had some tears didn't stop the ceremony... the earth still revolved.. etc. You get my point.

So I wouldn't worry. I know you are torn.. but perhaps some "retail therapy" might help ???? Go on out and spoil yourself with a nice shopping excursion... window shop til you drop, try some stuff on and have a nice lunch... getting some ideas about what you might wear if you go.

You, at the very least, deserve that!

(((((Hugs)))))

leeann

Good for you Nancy! Wishing you a wonderful day then!

leeann

I also dreaded the first family wedding for a cousin after my last loss. It wasn't on any anniversary for either of my parents or any other losses I have had though and I still dreaded going.

It wasn't the fact that other's people's parents would be there and mine wouldn't be.

It was just being with all the family for the first time since my Mom's funeral. Being around them... just was going to remind me of all the prior great times we had together I think. Just all of the remembering of past times and all who wouldn't be celebrating physically with us that day... including the brides own Mother.

But then I thought.. ya know... this day.. this event... it isn't about me. It is about the bride and groom starting their lives together. I thought of what my folks would say if I decided not to attend. And .. I'll tell ya... I think they would have been dissapointed. So I chose to go and concentrate on the bride and groom and their happiness. Two of my male cousins were there that day that had somewhat recently (one 3 years and the other 18 mos) lost their wives. One was the father of the bride. And ... my luck being what it is... the other sat next to me at the reception. We ALL tried to keep our focus on the bride & groom. We kabitzed and had all of our usual inside jokes. No one was left on their own to think too much.

No.. I didn't dance.... I wasn't up for it neither was hub. We left that to the youngins.

Sure it was tough.... for many of us... but.. we were together... as always ... in tough times and joyous ones. And when I thought about it later.. I knew I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. Those people understand my loss and knew how tough it was for me and each other and they also knew I had a clue as to how tough it was for them that day. That's family to me... being together in good times and bad. It was ok that I welled up... all I got was hugs in return. No words... just hugs and that's what I needed most.

Course I probably have the best cousins on earth...

But I couldn't help thinking the whole wedding was an 'in the flesh' example of.... "life goes on". And I also thought all of our past loved ones were there... somehow... and would have been proud of us all.

It was a very hard day on many levels... but also.. a joyous one. It's nice to be together for joyous events for a change. There's been so much loss and this day was all about adding to our number...

The fact that your niece & fiance chose the anniversary date for the wedding.. I don't know.. maybe that is all they could arrange with their own work schedules... or what was available at the church or reception place... or like Wendy saud.. it was an attempt to make that day a bit easier for you. I doubt seriously that they chose it just to be cruel.

In any event... I have found that anniversaries are odd... I usually feel waaay worse in anticipation than I do on the actual day. So perhaps it may be like that for you too.

Otherwise... offer your help with what you feel comfortable doing. But I wouldn't worry about any tears flowing.. go ahead and let them flow.

They know naturally that your thoughts will be on your beloved on that Wedding Day.

But too.. maybe think on the new couple and wish them all the best that you had with Bob. I found keeping the couple my primary focus to help tremendously. And to be honest .. it turned out to be a decent break here & there from the sadness.

And like Wendy said.. you can always leave early if you feel like it. But you know best... and if you can't decide... just think about what would Bob think you should do.

All the best with whatever you decide.

leeann

Patti

The words are beautiful.. and healing too. And I'm left feeling so grateful that you had such a friend.

You are doing great.. even though I know it doesn't feel that way.

Run... yup... do whatever you need to.

And know we will be "with" you as you say "see you later" in the coming days.

(((((hugs)))))

leeann

(((((((((((((((((Patti)))))))))))))))

So cry and scream.... til your soul's content....

Praying for rain and snow.....

leeann

So glad to hear it Shelley.... Enjoy!

leeann

Carole So very sorry to hear of the loss of your dear Mom.

Yes.. you have come to the right place! I know this site has helped me so much. And I sincerely hope you can say that in good time as well.

We all have an understanding here that few others in our lives can truly possess. So Welcome and know you are among friends.

It is ok...about your Mom's things. You and your brother are doing what feels right to you both right now.

And I found that I did best when I expressed my grief, didn't judge it or my feelings. As ALL of them were normal.

So this grief journey is something that I have learned we all do at our own pace and in our own time & way.

Please feel free to keep us posted on how you are doing.

leeann

Ditto to everything Marty said.

I'm so sorry hon. And I think you know... that you are not responsible in ANY way. He just saw only this way out. And I doubt he was thinking about how this would really impact all of you. His pain, I'm sure, blinded him to that somewhat or he wouldn't have done it from what you have told us about him.

Yet.... I do NOT blame you for your anger. And I'll bet he should be mighty glad you can't slap him upside the head right now.

You see... there it is... again......

If we didn't love so much... we wouldn't hurt so much.

I'm glad you had the blessing of him in your life. And I am heart sorry he chose to take himself out.

But... remember... his love... and the better times, than right now, if that helps any. If it doesn't... don't do that. In other words.. WHATEVER gets you through each minute is OK... but I would indeed take it a minute at a time.

Be gentle with you.....

We are all lifting you up.... and we're here.

leeann

Becka

It could be just as you said.. everything that has happened this year. You have been through at least two of the top 10 stressors in a short time. (Experiencing a loss and moving) That alone could make one feel overwhelmed!

I was thinking perhaps you have been so busy with everything... school and adjusting to the move etc.. that maybe now you have a bit more time to reflect on what has happened.

This took place with me & with my last significant loss as well. I was super busy dealing with so many things that I barely had time to mourn or grieve. And then once things began to calm down... I felt the loss much more keenly. I would think it is all normal and just part of grief. And naturally most of us feel rather raw too when we are coming up to an anniversary or holiday. And I must admit.. leading UP to the anniversary or holiday is usually a much more difficult time for me than the actual anniversary or holiday turns out to be.

I would allow yourself the gift of expressing your grief. And yes I too thought that I was feeling waay worse than I had previously.... but I found it was all just part of it for me. And I'm sure it is for you too. I wouldn't worry about it. I found I did much better just letting my feelings BE whatever they were and not judging them made this most difficult time a wee bit easier.

leeann

Yes Patti please know our thoughts are with you. I'm awfully sorry that you have experienced yet another loss.

It has been my expereince that sometimes it seems these things happen in such quick succession, it can make one feel breathless and easily overwhelmed.

We're here for you. And I wish you peace....

((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))

leeann

Sending Loads Of Love and good thoughts to one and all suffering down under.

Our hearts are indeed connected by our common pain and I think that lends us some strength.

May we all find a snippet of peace today.

XO

leeann

I didn't even lose my spouse and I'm already thinking about how I can make things easier for our kids when my husband & I do pass.

I thought I was a bit nutty for having such thoughts. BUT....

So I so appreciate you sharing this quesiton with us Kath. So now I know I'm not alone in thinking of things like this .... now.

And perhaps hub and I in the near future will meet with an insurance person and have that needs analysis done too as Marty's son so generaously shared here with us.

But thanks.. you really affirmed for me that I'm not nuts to be thinking about this... however prematurely...

I'm thinking of things like even in the house here. And I thought that maybe I would let both kids know via a letter of exactly what they need to do and whom to call, contact names and numbers.. etc.. after we pass. I even thought it would be good to take pics etc of the things we have stored in boxes and put them on the outside of the boxes so they would know instantly what is in them. And perhaps even have an inventory on paper by box so the kids can see what there is. Now maybe this is crazy.. but I'm thinking of all of the things that took so much time and were so difficult after going through my parents' home and having to clear it and list it for the market.

But this has been on my mind lately and I am jotting down some ideas as I think of them.

Yeah.. so maybe I am nuts. Oh well. I just so want to save them from any more pain than they will already be feeling when the time comes.

(((((hugs))))) to both you and Kayc too.

leeann

Oh Chai I agree wholeheartedly with Marty. And I see you..... judging.... your grief.

((((((Hugs)))))) That's not a good thing hon. So stop that right now! LOL (I'm SUCH a Mom.. forgive me.)

Let your grief just be ...whatever it is.

You shared more with your friend.. because you were comfortable sharing with her. I doubt you are as comfortable sharing with your supervisor at work. So no need to say anything other than what you did and "Thanks for asking." to your supervisor.

It wasn't a lie. It was the truth.. you are doing as ok as you can. That's a good message, I agree with Marty, to send to your boss. An excellent one actually. You were honest.. You are not "wonderful". You are "Ok" though and that's the truth. I have learned.. one can be in pain and still be "ok".

Not admitting ALL of the pain... Um.... I again agree with Marty. We admit as much as we can when we can and want to.

Sometimes.. we do our grief in doses that we can handle, at the times we can handle doing them.

And sometimes the doses are smaller than others and other times bigger than others.

Please do not judge yourself or your grief. I'm betting that is THE last thing your Dad would want you to do.

So great that you were indeed able to share with your friend! Great Job! I know you are hurting something awful.. but I think you are doing just great! And I'm thinking Dad is bursting with pride...

(((((Hugs))))))

leeann

Oh Teny I agree with Derek. I think it is a wonderful idea to take the course! It may be just what you need to help you feel more like you are progressing or perhaps allow you to feel like you are not stuck.

And for me.. I have found in life that I can never "go back" to an earlier level of feelings or awareness. It is impossible, I find.

You see every experience I have had in life, teaches me things. I learn things. And I simply can't "un-know" what I now know. So it's virtually impossible for me to go back to thinking and feeling exactly the way I did in the past.

I'm sure there will be moments in this course that may be hard and may bring on tears. But really Teny.. there is nothing wrong with the tears. Let them flow and heal you. I think also.. just being with other people taking the course will be so good for you. It is so nice to be with people who understand very much what we are feeling. And I think you may find also that you have progressed farther than you think you have.

I would try it Teny.

((((Hugs))))

leeann

Happy Birthday Shelley!!! Hope you had a good day. May the next year be filled with all the very best for you!

Hope you have something special planned for yourself!

((((((Hugs))))))

leeann

I think we should sing....

Happy Birthday to you....

Happy Birthday to you....

Happy Birthday Dear Mike>>>

Happy Birthday to YOU!!!

..... AND many moooooorrrrrreeeeee.

(((((Hugs)))))

leeann

Happy Birthday Marty!!! Thanks for ALL you do and how you do it!

Wendy is right... don't know where we'd be without you!

Hope it was a grand day and wish you a year filled with the blessings of health, peace & a bit of joy as well!

XO

leeann

PS Happy Birthday to Shelley as well!! Hope your day was great too Shelley. All the very best to you in the coming year!

Happy Birthday Marsha!!

Hope it was at least a decent day for you. And wish you many blessings in the coming year.

(((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))

leeann

Well 70 degrees is nothing compared to what our poor friends from Oz are suffering. The temps have been awfully high there from what I have read.

And those poor people.. my heart has gone out to them. I can only imagine the grief there. So many killed by these raging fires.

So again.... excellent that you can lend your heart and hand to this most desperately needed endeavor.

And .. I agree... Dad would be right proud! Hope you are too.

(((((hugs)))))

leeann

Well good for you Patti! Glad you have the week off and that you can spend some of it on you. But I'm also glad you have it within you to be reaching out to a friend in need. I find it does help me to get myself concerned with others sometimes.

Sure you are right.. the missing always just is. For me it's about learning to live despite it.

Hope you have recovered from all of your cleaning! So rest up up a bit.

And I hope you get your snow!

leeann

So.. go see her then.

Like I said.. if you really want to see her.. I'm sure you will find a way to do that.

leeann