Lily

Hi Teny - I started to write and somehow got disconnected so I hope this goes through - I don't get online much anymore because I just have these

feelings of hopelessness where nothing helps - the emptiness and pain are still here and all on the inside - on the outside - well I guess I act ok and

do things "normally" - my flowers are blooming - my bills are paid - the house is being maintained - I visit with neighbors, etc....but I really don't

want to be here anymore. My dad died last October, just a year after Rich, but I feel the loss of Rich so keenly that I don't think I'm able to feel

the true loss of my dad. But I saw your post today asking about old friends and it touched me because sometimes I feel I have no one - just no one

who knows the heaviness of my heart as people who have posted on this site. Today is a miserable dark raining day and I feel worse on these

days - I wish the sun would come out - but even then I feel no joy .... I'm going to try to find a counselor - just someone to talk to if nothing else.

I did want you to know though that you're not alone in your grief and to thank you for caring. Lily

Dear Kim, I'm so sorry...I know that sometimes the grief and pain and sadness are so bad that you just want some relief, some rest, some peace...and

unless you're talking or being with someone that has gone or is going through the same kind of loss, there just seems to be no real understanding...no

comfort...and the darkness of the loneliness just is almost unbearable at times. Don't be angry at your uncle, Kim...I don't know the circumstances,

but maybe he, also, felt a desperation, a pain so bad that we can't penetrate and for him the only way to end his particular pain was to end his life.

I know that when Rich died, I did not want to live and many times I would say this, but people would always come back with something like "Oh you

have a long life ahead of you" or "God has a purpose for you"....so I just stopped talking. I realized that one of the reasons I was saying it aloud was

I so desperately wanted someone to help me with my pain and I thought I guess if I said it aloud they would understand how bad the pain was; but

they just shushed me and then I thought of how over the years when I'd heard someone had committed suicide, and I'd ask "how was he doing; was

he depressed? and the answered inevitably always was something to the effect - no, he seemed fine; we were watching tv last night and he was talking

normally; or no seemed ok, came over to visit last evening and brought the kids some candy; and then went home and committed suicide...and I

thought - they were asking us somehow to hear their pain and we didn't hear them, they seemed ok.

I think, KIm, you have to do what is best for you now. You don't need to go to the funeral; no one can possibly judge you harshly for that...and if

they do, then so be it; they don't really know you then, do they. You have so much to carry in your already broken heart, don't make it worse.

Take care of yourself. Lily

Happy Birthday, Teny....My wish for you is that the coming hours, days, months bring with them some peace for you. Lily

Dear Walt, It's been a while since I've been here, but I got on today because I need the comfort and this is the place I get some - I guess it's because

I can feel the loss of all of us - not the pain of each...but the understanding of how deep the pain has touched us all somehow touches my soul and

that touching somehow comforts me - maybe because then I don't feel so alone ... I don't know. I know in my mind that Rich has been gone

for more than a year and yet it's as though we were together doing life just yesterday...I miss his arms around me, his laughter, his instructions on

how to do things which I would patiently listen to, I just miss him so much. I guess to look at me, I look ok - I eat, I sleep, I shower, I take care

of the house, the car, the bills, I talk with neighbors, some family, some friends - but my heart and soul just seems to look past all that....

So, I think I know how you must feel after you lost Jeannie. Over the months, I have "filled" my life with "things to keep me occupied"....but

I miss the man I loved and who loved me. That's it in a nutshell. I can't think of what "God had a purpose" could possibly mean....or "God

has a purpose for you" what does that mean???? I don't want to offend anyone, but what does that even mean???

I don't get on to post because I'm often afraid that my comments may have a depressive efffect more than a helpful one and that I'll make

someone even sadder...then I think I'll take a chance because I know that reading others' posts often helps me by either a comforting -

letting me know I'm not alone in my sadness or feelings, or an empathizing - when others tell of their experiences with those who either

can't understand the loss, feel uncomfortable with us, offer words that are hurtful because they're just not thinking,,,

Walt, I think we're survivors - but not filled with the joy of life anymore. I don't know whether that ever comes. I'm only hoping

that someday I won't feel this heavy sadness because it's wearing me down and I just don't know what to do for it. I've tried and keep

trying to find a focus - but this life without Rich is not what I enjoy. No one and nothing fills the void. I know we're all different

and we all feel the pain and the loss differently and so I sincerely hope that this post ofmine is not hurtful to anyone who is suffering

a recent loss, making them feel as though there is no hope. You know, one of the things about Rich was his being by my side always -

if I said "oh I can't do that", he would always says something like ' of course you can; you just think you can't" or "you can do anything

you want, if you just put your mind to it" - he was there saying this when I went to law school, when I was preparing for a difficult

trial, when I was trying to learn how to ride a bike as a 40 year old; trying to stop circling in my kayak; trying to figure out how

things worked....he was just there encouraging....I think sometimes he's still here encouraging me to go on and maybe that's

why I'm not holed up in a room with the blinds drawn or a suicide...When I think I can't go on anymore, I can imagine him

saying "Yes, you can". So I do. Maybe, Walt, we'll move forward - it's just that like you say to what - we don't know yet - but maybe someday. Lily

Dear Peggy, you must be hurting so bad...and no matter what anyone says, words just don't help...sometimes you just want everyone to just keep quiet

and just listen to your pain, just sit there and let you cry and cry and cry...I just wanted someone to (who really cared and loved me) to hold me, to let

me cry and talk about Rich (that's my husbands name also)...but it always seemed as though my crying made people uncomfortable, they felt compelled

to say things - like they have to you - "life goes on"/"you have to move forward"/ "would Rich want this"...so I eventually just began to hold things in when

around others - but, Peggy, I still cry and I still hurt and I wish I could tell you otherwise....but I get through the days by forcing myself - and I mean

forcing - to do things -only the basics but I feel that if I sat with nothing to keep my mind busy, I would lose my mind, but yet not lose the memories and

would hurt even more if that's possible....Like you and your Rich, my Rich and I met when I was just 17; we would be celebrating our 47th anniversary

this Feb. 24 and I miss him so. I can't believe that he will never be in my life again. I know the awfulness of the pain and lonliness you're feeling.

I wish and pray for some peace for you and for all of us in this group. Coming here is really the only place of contact with good and kind friends who

don't feel the need to tell you life goes on and you have to move forward or you can't cry everyday, it's not good for you. Peggy, you're not a

burden on those who really matter. You've lost a good man a strong man in his love for you...you can't not have a broken heart....if I could hold you

and hug you while you cried, I would....instead all I can do is to let you know that writing here helps....I always say it helps for only a while....but

every little bit of comfort we can get is so necessary. Lily

Dear Mary, I haven't been getting online for quite awhile because nothing seems to really help me ....today I did because I just sometimes get so desperate

for some relief, some human contact that can understand....and I saw your cry for help. I don't know if my writing to you will help - sometimes just knowing

that there are others who understand - really understand, does help - if only for a moment or two. My husband and I were married in 1962 and he died

in my arms October 2007...and still I can't get him out ofmy thoughts...he is with me in everything I do...and on the surface, I act reasonable, rational, sane and so people think i"m ok...."she's doing fine", "you seem to be better" - and all I can think of is - they just don't know....it seems as though the world thinks

you have to be crying and screaming and unable to function - and then it's depression...I do cry almost everyday - and I miss him so much I don't think my

heart will ever stop breaking - like you and your husband - we really liked each other - even after all those years - we talked, and laughed and joked and

teased and argued and bickered - but we were always there for each other - always understood who came first, I guess. We live in Pennsylvania, but

when the treatments for his cancer became useless, I drove with him to California for a clinical...and there in California he died as I held him in my arms.

Like you, I'm tired of the cliches - the stages of grief - the don't be afraid to cry - the it's ok to cry (don't tell me what I know; and I never thought or

said I was afraid to cry or questioned whether it was ok to cry - //don't tell me it'll get better because you don't know what or who I've lost - and yes,

maybe someday I won't cry everyday - but I will love Rich to the day I die - and the hurt and pain of not having him with me - just watching tv or

kayaking or biking the rails trails or calling me to help him with somethinghe was fixing in the garage or basement - or teasing me - or us joking around

while shopping - or just walking holding hands - or his being there by my side for every problem, or sickness, or death in the family - or for every

stress I ever had - he was just there....I know that you know Mary that words just don't do it....do they? I can listen to a friend talk and respond,

but all of that is superficial....I feel no joy; I'm not living - just existing. And it's not that I don't do things - I go for walks, I shop (for basics), I watch

tv, and I read -I have always loved reading, but now It takes all my effort to concentrate...I've tried making some small items for donations to

charities - and all of this keeps me busy - but I dream about Rich almost every night...and I don't know what else to do to give me peace and

serenity - I've tried watching inspirationals on tv and for the moment I either cry or feel soothed - but nothing lasts - if I could die today it would be ok.

I don't have a large family; we didn't have children; and we didn't live in our "hometown" so I really don't have easy access to extended relatives and

don't really know them...my father, who was 92, died just a few months ago...after I came back from California, I stayed alone in our home and I

would talk to my dad over the phone - he lived alone and he wanted me to come stay with him...and I just couldn't....I just didn't have any energy

or heart left to give to anyone else...I knew I couldn't - just couldn't be the caretaker I would have to be. I just couldn't. All my life, I gave - my

love, my time, my thoughts...but after Rich died - I guess I was finally depleted and devoid of any real feelings - I don't know how else to express it -

I loved my dad but I just couldn't give anymore. And I thought that after all the years I had with Rich, of all the things we were going to do with

each other - was over and I was right back to the young girl of 17 who hadn't grown yet ...people want me to get out - "you have to try things",

but, see, I have already "tried things" I know at this stage of my life what I like to do, or who I like or don't, ....Rich and I had been through a lot

and through the years we knew each other and what we wanted to do or didn't - so it's not as though I'm being stubborn - my life was formed

with Rich and I can't just "start" again.

Mary, if I've not helped,I hope I haven't hurt you more. It's just I know that unless you are going through this, you can't understand. People try but

they can only say words and not feel the pain and if they haven't suffered the loss that you have, they're not really understanding your pain.

One of the characters in Iris Murdoch's "The Sacred and Profane Love Machine" says "Of course bereavement is a darkness impenetrable to the

imagination of the unbereaved...." It's true.

Can you get help for your dad? Because with the sadness that you're having, with this unspeakable darkness, you can't do this. I don't know how

you're doing it now. The sorrow, the grief, the emptiness and desperation must surely be almost unbearable. I'm so sorry you lost your husband, your

friend, your kindred spirit, your heart. I wish I could take your pain away because even though I can't feel your pain, I can feel mine and I know how

agonizing it can be. We were fortunate to have such good friends as husbands - I saw this somewhere - and wrote it down just can't remember

where it's taken from "Who you can trust and will help you in times of sadness...who will defy the storms of daily life at your side" I think your

husband must have been that....keep writing to him - I write to Rich all the time and it helps because I can say things to him that I can to no other...

I don't have to be afraid that I'm frightening others, or boring them, or insulting them by not following their advice; he knows me - always has.

I know that you had that too...write to him. Lily

Dear Rosemary, I haven't come on site for awhile because, I don't know - just

don't feel like it - and this feeling even though it's about the only place

I believe I'm understood....but for me, missing my husband and the feeling

of desperation, sadness, emptiness seems to be getting worse....he is not

coming back to me and I feel sick with that realization...and, really, I

don't want to live like this....and I'm tired and bored with the questions, Would Rich want you to be like this? Well, I know he wouldn;t want me to

suffer anymore than I would want him to suffer/ And you have to just

keep going on and it will get better! (And how do they know that? how

can they know that? when they don't know what and who I've lost) They, maybe

can understand, ---but can't feel the pain, the tightness, the hardness, the

complete emptiness. When I keep up the conversation (mostly them doing the

talking - with appropriate responses - well - you're doing better. God -

I am so tired of hearing that - I just want to scream - but then that would

just scare them, wouldn't it and so instead of the bereaved being supported or comforted or understood - it's the bereaved who has to think - don't make

them feel uncomfortable - talk about what they want to hear or listen to their

lives - and don't they know that just listening to their everyday little

moments is torture - because I don't have that --- and then I feel selfish

and angry at myself - because these people do have a life and why am I angry

at them - but do they think I feel love and support and comfort when I get

the once every 3 mos phone call - I feel like the obligatory afterthought -

and I especially like the "God has plans for you" - Well - I just wonder

what they could be - because right now - everything seems like an irrelvancy

to me -- and I just can't imagine what I would rather do that walk holding

hands with the man I loved. I picked up an IrisMurdoch novel - The Sacred

and Profane - and saw this "...bereavement is a darkness impenetrable to the

imagination of the unbereaved...." and I believe that's why we get comfort

when we come on to this site....but I can't do this 24 hrs a day - so

when I get off - I do "stuff" - I try to read; I try to help others who

are not well, I clean, I shop, I take walks, I talk to people, etc....but

have absolutely no joy, no peace. I live alone, have no children, no

real friends, and when I attempt to reach out I have been disappointed -

it seems as though I've become a sounding board for those who want to

talk about their problems to someone who hasn't heard it all before - or

even just tell their stories to someone who hasn't heard it before - ok

I'll listen - because it takes my mind off myself - but then that all

just reinforces that I Am Alone - and I can't imagine finding another

person like Rich - who in 45 years never let me down - always there with

the arm over my shoulder or hand in my hand - no angel or saint by any

means - and certainly the 45 years had ups and downs but he was my solid

rock...and we really like each other...after all those years. Right now

I am so tired. I hope reading this doesn't make you feel worse...when

I read your post, I wanted to just hold you and not say a word...I can't

feel your pain, but I know what pain is and I understand you. Lily

Kathy, Like you, I have my girl, Little Roo, who is such a good friend. Rich

and I loved dogs and he, especially, liked cats...so I now have 4 cats and

1 dog (Roo)...all of them were tiny babes that we found on the rails to trails where they had been dumped....if I didn't have them with me now, and

especially Roo (who is not so little anymore) I don't know if I would be here

now. I think Roo needs a companion - her sister died about 2 years ago and

I thought about getting another dog - but, once again, like you, I'm not

certain that I could deal with any problems that might arise; and I don't

know if I have the energy for training a puppy. Right now, Roo and I are

inseparable and I know the Dog Whisperer would shake his head at me because

I treat her like a "human"....but if it weren't for her, I'm not certain I

would be going outside the house for those long walks in the woods that

she loves and helps me some...or those long rides with her sitting along

side me....if we saved her life so many years ago, she certainly is saving

mine now. But I know that when we first brought her home (we already had

two others that have since died), it seemed as thought every other day they

were digging out from under the fence going on adventures known only to them

We would either have to go searching or just wait and ultimately they would

return.....but I bring this up because I could not imagine how I would handle

that now....but they are love aren't they? Let us know what you decide to

do...Lily

Cheryl Lee, you must be hurting so much now that words can't describe the

pain. My husband had pancreatic cancer and died in my arms and I wanted

to die with him. I came home though and like you, sat at the computer

and cried and cried while pleading for help...when I had no where else to go and no one who really listened or could hear the heartbreak - I came here

and felt the words of comfort. I hope it will be the same for you. Lily

John, your poem is beautiful. Lily

Dear PattyAnn, I'm so sorry. I was with Rich when he died and I have cried

every day - it's as though I'm filled with tears and nothing else. I don't

know your pain, but I know it's there and how much it hurts - I know that

somedays I find mine almost unbearable and don't really see why I should

live, and yet people that have not either had the kind of relationshps we

had or have not lost someone in their relationship seem to think you're

ok or better or getting along just fine because outwardly we look "ok".

I look at picture of Rich and even now, 10 months after he died, there's

a part of me that must not be able to accept the horror of it, because

I still can't believe he's gone. It's not that I sit and stare at his

pictures, but when I'm dusting or moving something or just anything and

I see him, I honest to God, can not believe he's gone from me forever.

Anyhow, PattyAnn, this sounds crazy,but I wanted you to know that your're

in my mind and my heart. I don't know if this will help, but a friend of

mine told me that when her husband was in the hospital and was near death

but later was revived, that he told her he felt a peace come over him and

felt very soothed; he didn't feel anxious ; he didn't feel fear - only

a calm. I have to believe that your last moments must be that way. Love, Lily

Dear Kim, I just read your last post and it was almost as though you were sitting here in my kitchen talking because I could just feel the pain and sadness and that heartfelt gratitude...you're right-the friends here make life

a little more bearable...no lecturing or analyzing - just listening and

hearing and comforting - My thoughts are with you and Pam. Lily

Dear Kim, At times when I read these posts, I feel so so sad because there

just seems to be nothing that makes the sadness or pain go away or even

bearable....sometimes words, comfort by friends or family helps - but

only temporarily and then the despair seems to come back...but at least

-at least - there's this temporary relief...sometimes I think I'll lose

my mind if I don't start feeling better...and like you - I'm having an

anniversary date of sorts - August 19 - that was one year ago that Rich

and I arrived in California for his treatment at a clinical trial for

pancreatic cancer....we had SO MUCH HOPE...but it didn't work and he

died in California...2500 miles from home...I can't stand these days.

If it wasn't for my one cousin, I don't think I'd be here now....but

as I listened to "IRish Blessing" put on here by Dusky...she is "the

friend who is worth that name"....she is hours away, but calls me almost

every day and I don';t know if she even realizes how much she is helping

me....Kim, I hope from the deepest part of my soul that coming here to

this site is helping you....I know how much I miss Rich and knowing that

I can know how much you are hurting. Love, Lily

Teny, I wish I could hug you - sometimes I think no one really understands

this terrible emptiness except the friends on this post - I can't find

any joy in life - I look around me and feel nothing - I see families and

friends and just about anyone doing just anything - like mowing the lawn

and gathering the rubbish and I'm jealous because they are doing this

everyday piece of life and then I imagine them going in the house, cleaning

up, small talk, going to the mall, etc - and this goes on all the time -

I saw some people that I used to work with the other day and when they

asked how I was - I told them Rich had died - and the response of "o that's

too bad" made me want to shriek THAT's TOO BAD!!!??? Like you, I cry

about the years we were to spend together and now that he's gone, I'm alone...and the home is now a house and even though I keep up the beautiful

lawn, flowers, I view it all very dispassionately - I keep trying and trying

to keep myself busy - but I'm getting very exhausted - I don't know if I

can continue - because at the end of the day, no matter what I do, who I talk to, what I pray - Rich is gone and I miss him. I'll be growing old alone.

Teny, this is so hard and I wish I could help you with words - and maybe

just knowing that you're not alone in your hurt, does help a little - I

hope so. I wish I knew how to speak Greek; it's such a beautiful sounding

language - my father is greek, but we were never taught the language (Tekanos?) that's about the extent of my greek. Teny, take care of yourself...Lily

Kim - As hard as it may be, try to ignore that sister-in-law. If she's doing what she's doing and it's irrational and unjustified, then you know that

nothing you do will change her actions or thoughts - you're only letting

it hurt you and you don't need more hurt. You have to do what will make

you feel better or less hurt - same thing I guess - You said it when you

said he was your husband for 20 years and you had three children together -

you and he and your children - that's your family...and so what if she

thinks she was there for him - you know the truth and if others believe

her and not you - so what - you know and Dan knows - so, really, what others

think or think they know doesn't really matter. Lily

Jeanne, I know how you must be agonizing, I know I do - I was holding Rich

in my arms when he died and I can't get that out of my head; I think that

no matter what we do at that time, we'll always think we could have done

something more, but, you know what - when I read KayC's post - it really

touched me...she said it so well and true - "he knew you loved him, you

knew he loved you,what more is there to say than that" Keep those words

in your heart Jeanne....Lily

Dear Mike,

I don't think we ever feel as lost or alone as we do when someone who

has been our life dies. It's a sadness and pain that no one can take

from us...but I know that writing here and knowing that others are going

through this torment and understand and don't judge somehow eases and soothes. I've had many many moments of desperation and it wasn't family or

friend that I turned to, but here. Take care, Mike. Lily

Dear Mark, When I have no one else to talk with and no where else to go, I

come here. Sometimes the sadness I feel becomes so overwhelming that I don't think I'll survive and then I wish I wouldn't - but I do and we keep

going somehow - but I, like you, feel devoid of all feelings except sadness;

Rich and I had that special relationship too - we had each other and after

so many years we enjoyed each other, truly enjoyed. We liked doing things

together and I miss him so much. So I know what you mean about going out

to dinner and coming back to nothing; or people thinking you must be doing

ok...you must be screaming on the inside. I know people mean well, but

right now I'm tired of trying to see their point of view; I'm just tired, I guess. Rich knew how it would be for me because he told some nurses and

doctors that he was worried about leaving me ...that I would be all alone.

They told me this and it broke my heart...so when he asked me to promise

that I would try to do the best I could with the time I had left, I promised

that I would try. Your wife must have been truly a special soul - look

how you lived and loved for such a long while - and even in her last moments

she was thinking of you. A chaplain that I wrote to looking for help,

comfort, something...I was so angry at God....wrote back (and I want to

share itwith you) - "Towards the end of your letter you say that, even knowing how much pain you would one day experience, you would still say "yes" to marrying Richard. You recognize that the price we pay for a great love is a great loss. Is there consolation in knowing that your love for Richard - the

way he filled your life, the way you grew up together - has made you bigger,has stretched your soul, and now your ability to love, your ability

to see and embrace and understand this precious life of ours, is greater than it was before? And even though all this space inside you feels empty now,the greatness of your heart will last forever. Richard's legacy to you is love....Love doesn't make sense unless somehow it lasts forever....the souls

of those we love deeply stay close by us a long time after their passing...."

Mark, I hope that somehow her words are consoling you some - even if just a little. Take care, Lily

Dear Joe, I'm so sorry you are having to carry so much sadness in your

heart - there really are no words, are there? Lily

Dear Mary Linda,

I wish I could hug you because I think that's what we all want so much.

I know that when I get that rare hug it always makes me feel comforted -

but it has to be a sincere, caring hug. I understand you're feeling hurt -

I don't think people mean to hurt, but sometimes I think they are careless

and nonthinking - you are scarred on the outside so I think people think

"well, you look like you're doing ok" and all the while you are so suffering

on the inside. Don't think you're a failure - I know exactly what you mean

about your husband really knowing you - and accepting you - isn't that what

love and friendship is about - you and he obviously had that - and right now

no one else can be for you what he was....Mary Linda, I try to think what

would Rich be saying to me? How would we talk about any situation?...and

that will bring me around because we also lived a life of love, friendship

and if no one else was there for me, Rich ALWAYS was....So when someone

is hurting you and you began to doubt yourself, think of your husband -

what would he say? Isn't he the one that counted and wouldn't he know that

your feelings are the ones that should be top priority now; you're the one

that has to survive. A caring hug, Lily.

Hello,

I'm so sorry about your mom - I know it's hurting you and I know it's hurting your dad. I'm not a parent and I just my husband just recently died but I

had him in my life for over 40 years and the loss is almost unbearable and

I say "almost" because I'm still here but the ache is so bad that I don't

want to be....so I guess what I have to offer to you and your dad is - as hard

as it may be for you, let your dad be, let him do whatever it is that may bring him some comfort and peace - it doesn't sound as though he is harming

himself in anyway - if he's known the widow since childhood and he's made

reasonable decisions in his lifetime, then this may be reasonable too - I guess what I'm trying to say is if she or his family is not trying to take advantage of him, then let him make the decision that will maybe bring about

some internal rest for him...I had someone tell me just yesterday that they

thought I was doing ok, and then further words, attempting, I guess to be an

amateur psychologist - and all that because I wasn't crying and was able

to carry on a conversation and my house was clean....and all the while I'm

screaming on the inside - so if your dad is able to grasp on to something

that gets him through the day and the night - he won't be forgetting your

mom and all the years and memories with her - he'll just survive it with

maybe a little less pain....and, you know, you said your dad said he wouldn't

marry before a year had passed - a lot can happen in that year. My mom

died after a long battle with cancer nearly 40 years ago - I was a young

person then and my dad was only 50, but they had been married for over 25 years; thinking back, I know how badly I grieved for my mother - but I

know now that I never fully grasped my father's loss - until now. And at

92, he and I share talks that I never imagined. He never married, but he

did start seeing a friend that he too had known forever and he's still her

"boyfriend" - but he told me the other day that he cried everyday for a

year for my mom and that he still after all these years can picture her

doing things in the home, or with him, or them talking...but, see, he had

to do what made him able to live. I hope this has helped you a little. Take

care, I know you're worried about your dad - just be there for him ready

with a reaching hand should he falter or stumble in trying to help himself.

Love, Lilly

To all of you who wrote to me - thank you. I didn't want to get back on line because I think I was embarassed for having so exposed my hurt - and

I've gotten so used to people getting uncomfortable and either changing the

subject or being silent when I mention Rich's name or even just talking

about something, anything else....that I thought no one would respond and

that my last hope would be lost....but you did write to me and I can never

thank you enough for being there. Love, Lilly

I haven't written, it seems, for quite awhile...it's as though no matter what I do, I get hit hard with the realization that my husband is gone. I've

been reading some of the letters and I know that's how I feel - the ability to do things but feeling nothing on the inside....it's as though I've died too

but my body is still here and that's all...there's a commercial on tv where

the actress says something like if I looked on the outside like I feel on the

inside would people believe then the pain I have...I believe it's on fibromyalgia. But that how I think - I look ok on the outside and I think

people think I'm ok, but my outside should be scored, lacerated because that's

how I feel most days on the inside...I can talk, and smile and chuckle at some

stories people tell, but it's only on my face and nowhere else lies the joy

or pleasantness...it's almost as if I've become a new sounding board for their

stories or problems and no one wants to listen to me...no one really hears me.

The few friends I thought I had have let me down terribly and probably were not friends at all - one stopped calling (3 months now) after asking to borrow

and getting a considerable amount at a time when I was crying and thinking I

couldn't go on; another got angry at me for something (I guess) and hasn't

called for a couple of months after calling and going out to lunch quite a few

times...I have no idea what I might have said or done and really I don't have

the energy to even try to find out; and there are some others and all I feel

from their actions or non actions is a deeper loss of Rich who was such a good

man - loyal, responsible, and so filled with integrity...I miss him so much

and somedays when I don't cry I still feel so dead and empty on the inside

and other days when it hits me again and again and again that he is NOT coming

back to me I just want to die....I read, I mow the grass, pay the bills,

go out to eat, got invited to a July 4th gathering and all of that's ok, but

then I come home to emptiness and realization of how alone I am and when

I watch tv and see programs or commercials with families making plans I know

that's not for me anylonger....I know this sounds horrible, but if I died

right this moment, that would be ok...I really have no real reason to go on...

I have no one, absolutely no one ....sometimes people say how much they would

miss me or love me but you know ---at the end of the day they are off the phone in time or off to work or with their families -- life goes on and it

should...it's just that I feel I have no real purpose anymore...except and

really this isn't meant to be stupid...but my pets would miss be terribly I

think - they walk with me and sleep with me and I love them so and they're

what's keeping me going...I've always been so strong; Rich said once that

I was so used to handling everyone else's problems and fixing them and that

I was driving myself crazy because I hadn't and couldn't find the cure for

his cancer...he knew me so well. But now I'm just so tired of fighting the

fight or trying to conquer the battles whatever they are now. This post

seems so desperate I know, but I am so tired of talking to myself or Rich

or God or friends? neighbors, family who say things like it takes time, or

you HAVE to do things (I do - lunches, dinners, july 4th festivities, read,

volunteer, etc - can't they see I do and it means nothing to me - I mean

I even sleep relatively well and eat ok - but there's no life in me) Thank

you all for listening...Lily

Dear SingleDad - weekends seem to be the hardest to get through. I think

it's because that's when the people have days off from work and we see

them out on weekend activities whether its shopping or picnics or

family functions or graduations. I can understand why you had to leave

the ceremony; I think you showed courage to even try it. I can't

even bring myself to visit some friends who recently came back from

their Florida home because I picture how my husband and I always went

together to their home and I can't see myself going to the door alone.

I ride around a lot - just aimlessly - just to get out of the house -

sometimes that helps - but crying in the car alone is pretty horrible too...except who else is there to cry with. I know the feeling of

being out of control - when you talked about being washed away in the

torrent - I could understand that...with me its more like being in a

maze of blackness and I feel like i'm running and running only to smack

into a wall - as though there's no way out no light to guide me and

it all seems so hopeless....well, see, this is me on a weekend...except

to get my mind on something I mowed the grass - sounds ok except it was

raining - not hard but enough \I know Rich must be wondering if I

ever listened when he tried to tell me why not to mow in rain or wet grass.

I hope your day brings you at least a little relief. Lily

Dear Joe - It's really beyond words, isn't it? When you've had that special

and rare relationship with your husband or wife - when you could be just

who you are and know they are always there - where you both could laugh

at a "you had to be there" or just laugh because it was something only

you both shared - stupid but funny and only to you....When you've grown

up with that person, sharing different types of good times over the years;

sharing the problems, offering a hand or shoulder in bad times, when just

a hug felt so good offering support, loyalty, love....Now, I can't even

shop for basics without thinking "for what" - I have no one to share with now - Just today I heard something on tv that Rich had opinions about and

I, for that briefest of moments, forgot he wasn't here when I said out

loud, o my god Rich that's what you used to say...and then thought I can't

share that with him anymore...in the law when husband and wife own properties

in some states they hold it as individuals and as one....and that's how

we become I think over the years of growing and sharing and living...so

how can we live without them and not feel the pain and torment of the loss of someone

wrenched from our lives...I wish someone would tell me. Before he died

Rich asked me to promise him I would do the best I could with the time I

had left. I'm trying but my best isn't very good...it wakes me up in the morning and it gets the things done that need to be done, but that's just

existing and not living and when I get hit with a wallop of reality It's

so overwhelming that I don't believe I want to go on...but here I am.

You keep trying, Joe. Lily