Lily

Dear Deborah, you don't ever have to apologize - this absolute sorrow and

sadness that we have screams for help and it seems as though there's no

real helping to soften the pain it brings - Rich died 6 months ago and time

isn't helping me - it seems to be worsening because now this is life - if you

can call it that - without him. Rich and I fought his cancer for three years and never gave up hope - then when the "gold standard" meds didn't

seem to be working, we traveled 2500 mi to California for a clinical trial

which I persued because the meds had been approved in the phillipines and

seemed to be working - I never gave up and Rich didn't either - but while

in Cal., the meds or something just didn't seem to be helping and he, after

suffering many indiginities, said he wanted to die. I lost my belief in

god then - how could he make his child suffer - I wouldn't - how could God...

but now I'm desperate for a god because that was my only hope and now I have

nowhere to go - nothing here on earth is helping - but so far nothing is...

I feel like you - just an empty shell, my home is just a house, when I shop

for basics I just see families getting ready for summer, or just walking and

talking about something or nothing and I'm jealous; I'm just not "normal"

me anymore; I cry a lot; I still can't believe Rich is not going to be

coming around the corner or up the stairs or call out to me...if someone

told me I was going to die tonight, I would feel relieved, an easing off

of the hurt that won't go away. So please don't apologize - don't put

the burden on yourself that you're somehow hurting others because of how

you feel - you have enough hurt to deal with - somehow I think we'll go

on but for right now I just can't see how...this place with all the kind

friends is a lifesaver for me, I can't talk about how I feel with anyone

else without making them uncomfortable and I think sometimes (most times)

that's what we need and that's why we come back here - it helps at least

for a little while - I know I keep waiting for a miracle and I know I'm

not going to get it - they say god has his reasons - but right now I can't

see them or everything happens for a purpose - I can't see that either right

now - Deborah, believe me when I say that I feel your pain...Lily

Hi Wendy, I have pictures of Rich everywhere - and sometimes I can't bear

to look at them because he's so real in them and I feel as though he's

going to be coming through that door so I just cry and cry - but sometimes

I get strength...when I feel so let down by others, I remember how he

would always be there for me and I can almost feel his arm around me

now and hear what he would be saying to me - and I feel him still...but the sadness and the lonliness are always with me...I don't know, Wendy, is this

the price we pay for that rare love and all that it brings with it? I could

never imagine life without Rich and here I am...and it's not good. Lily

It has been 8 months since my Dan has passed and I still try to go from day to day and it is struggle day day. One of our daughters goes to counseling, and her family support person told us, "well, its been 8 months you should be getting over it". Over it? Hmmm still trying to define"IT" in my brain, I sat there numb and frozen as if time stopped. This is a man I was with since high school, have 3 children with and died at the age of 41 years old! We had so many dreams and so many things we wanted to do. In fact, my husband wanted to renew our vows before he died and we never got that chance. I see couples all around me and I feel so much depression, jealousy and anxiety. I hear the word cancer and I feel like I am going to jump out of my skin.I am not sleeping well at night and I am so, so sad all the time. I put on that fake smiley face at work and school just so I don't have to tell everyone how I really feel, for when you do, you see the jaws drop and the same old line, "I'm sorry". I began answering people, "yeah so I am I, if you only knew,is what I was thinking. I know time will heal, but the pain sucks!!! I miss everything about him, his smile, touch, getting up with me in the morning and making sure I eat before I go to work. Now,I just feel no reason to smile or be happy. I have tried many support groups and counseling, the support groups are not for me, and the counseling is a waste of time(the remedy for that is medication)( I truly believe I am allergic to those, I tried 10 or 12 different ones and they all make me so so sick or so out of it, I don't even feel) No THanks!! I am just here. I am just a body which has organs and is just here, for that is all I have to offer today. Thanks for listening,Kim

Kim, When I read your post I felt as though every word and feeling you had

expressed exactly what I feel....like you, I put on a fake smile because

if I don't, people don't know how to react to the grieving that is going

on in my heart...with me anytime can bring a painful sobbing - whether I'm

riding around in the car or walking with my dog or waking in the morning

or listening to something on tv or just anything...I miss my husband so

much and I'm tired of saying that to people who just hear the words and

can't feel the pain and the loss that's so horrible....I, too, tried a

counselor and I liked her well enough, but in some ways it seemed like

things were worse because, once again, nothing is going to bring Rich back.

I feel no joy, no life, nothing. I wish I could help you, I wish someone

could help me. But, Kim, I do know the terrible torment you're going

through; I know that what we're doing is just going through the motions of

living; I know that sometimes I just want to scream and scream and scream

and sometimes I do - and I know that sometimes for the moment that helps -

even if for only a little while - and maybe it's these "little whiles" that

will get us through - I keep trying and do keep busy - and somehow I get

through the day - but I feel dead on the inside and I don't know what to do

about that...I wish someone had a remedy for that. If I couldnn't come

to this site, I really don't know what I would do because at least here I

know that we all feel a sorrow that can't be expressed in words and we don't

have to put on a fake smile here, do we. you take care, kim. Lily

Dear Kathy, you must be hurting so much...and there's nothing to take to

make the pain go away. I lost my husband in October...he was diagnosed

with pancreatic cancer in 2004 and for three years we fought the cancer

going for long distance treatments everyweek...he was so strong and showed

so much courage...and I never thought I would ever be without him. I

cant find words to express how much I miss him. But Fred is right, coming

here seems to help some. Everyone here is hurting and the kind words are

like a substitute for those hugs we don't get. Sometimes I don't think

I'll get through the next few minutes and really don't want to but I keep

going; I don't know how, but I do...and you will too. I wish I could say

that after a time, the pain goes away, but I can't. That pain is so real,

isn't it and it's frightening, because there's nowhere to go with it. But

I'm trying to take one day at a time and sometimes the pain eases a little;

I think it has to for us to live, to survive. If you have to cry, and

scream and cry somemore, you should do it...it helps me I know. No matter

what the hour, if I think I'm going crazy with the loneliness, the missing,

the hopelessness, I get on here and write, knowing that someone will answer

my plea for listening. Kathy, you try that too....it will help. Lily

Yesterday I was walking and one of my husbands home health nurse who came to

our home every week for about 2 years called out to me. This was the first

time I saw her since my husband died and when she asked me how I was holding

up I just fell into her arms and sobbed and said not well. Well I just cried

and cried and cried and told her how much I missed Rich and the terrible pain

and, you know, she stood and listened - I mean really listened - she acknowledge my pain - she didn't offer advice on what to do - just said it

was really going to be hard. I felt such comfort in that...I think that

her just listening meant so much; I didn't feel uncomfortable because I didn't

feel that I was making her uncomfortable...

I wanted to share this with you because I believe that if people only

allowed us to cry; if they acknowleded our pain, our hurting, then - in some

small way that would be healing. Now, though, I, and from others here, I

know we tend to repress our feelings - except here - and that's what's so

comforting - no judgement, no advice, no crticism, and and confirmation and

acknowlegment of the terrible sadness and loneliness and desperation.

I think that when I talk to others who have not experienced the loss,

I feel worse and no comfort because when I tell them how I feel, they start

giving advice - time heals, get on with activities to take your mind off,

etc so then I understand that they can't really understand my words, I

can't convey the pain to them. I feel so alone. I don't really have any

"close" friends and I have no family here. I have resorted to listening

to Sundays religious programs even though I don't belong to an established

religion. I need something though to help me through the days.

People don't seem to help, in general. I know that the counselor who

let me cry and affirmed the hurt and the missing; and the nurse who did the

same; and the friends on this site all seem to help. But, mostly, it seems

that others want to do not what's best for me now, but what makes them feel

better. This is another lonely Sunday for me. Lily

Joe, I know you must be living with so much sorrow now. My husband died

in October of cancer and I still can't accept he's gone from me. And yes,

I think youre right, after so many weeks, you get the definite impression

that people don't want to hear more sadness or grief or mourning talk.

So, I've started to do what Dusky said he did - just have to scratch their

names off the address book. All my emotions now are superficial - I smile

when I think I should because if I don't I feel that I'm creating an

uncomfortableness...So I go for walks with my dog and I cry where no one

can see me and no one has to feel uncomfortable. I wish there were

magic potions or miracles for us because this pain is almost unbearable.

But how can you have lived with someone for many many years and not have

their not being with us now hurt almost beyond enduring. Maybe someday

the memories will bring a smile and lightness to the heart, but I know

right now all those moments we shared make me cry and cry and cry. This

group is really a lifesaver....I sometimes get so down that I can't come

here - it all seems so useless and then I need the kindness, the comfort

so much that I come here I guess to be soothed and it helps. Maybe one

day at a time with people who don't tire of listening to us and sharing

is helping even though we can't feel it yet. Lily

Dusky, thank you...I just know you must be in so much pain...it's ironic

that your words tell me that and yet sometimes even the power of

words isn't enough to convey the magnitude of the hurt...I wonder

how our hearts and souls would be portrayed on film if they could

capture the desperation, the torment, the overwhelming sadness.

I hope you keep writing and take care. Lily

Caroline, my husband died in October. We were married for 45 years and I

remember when I was younger thinking that it was only "really" old people

who celebrated their 50th anniversay....yet until my husband died, I never

felt "really" old or even just plain old "old"...I think it was trying to

sneak up on me when I realized the "invisible" that you've mentioned - but

see then I had Rich and I felt young - always felt as though I was still in

my 30's....now though, I feel old and invisible...and, like you, I'm lonely,

but prefer to be alone....I think that's because even when I'm with others,

or talk on the phone with others, I'm stll alone...and sometime, if it's

even possible, when I'm with others or talking with them, I feel the pain

of my loss even more and feel even more alone...it's a love that I received

from him that fulfilled me I guess...but sharing these thoughts with someone

else who is hurting makes the loneliness go away for a while. Lily

Hi Lin, I wish I could give you words that will make you feel better, but I honestly don't think there are any. When you suffer the loss of someone you

loved deeply and that someone loved you deeply, how do words help? Except that for me it sometimes helps to know that the feelings and hurts and pains

and torments and the sometimes living hell where you believe that the pain can't be worse and that it will last forever with no hope of ending are also

being endured by others...so when those who have not gone through what we

are going through think and say you have to get on with your life, and you

have to get involved with activities I want to scream - none of that makes

the pain go away or the missing him...I happen to come across a picture of Rich when I was cleaning the other day and he was so alive that I couldn't

believe he was dead - it was almost as if I was in another reality....You're

right about the numbness - I know exactly what you mean....all the little

petty things that make up life seem without meaning...all the bigger things

seem without meaning....and the worse part of life now is that family and friends have their own lives and wellmeaning though they may be, they don't

realize you can't really wholeheartedly participate. I, like you, miss being

able to just enjoy him - his calling me to watch something on tv, talking about so and so doing this or that - I can't really explain it, but I think

you know what I mean - at the end of the day, there were no kids or cousins,

or parents, or friends - there was just him and me. Truthfully, I don't

care if I die tomorrow...I just don't think I can take the existing and

not living. I am so sorry If this made you feel worse in any way, I an

hoping that your knowing that your pain is something that we all understand

might help just a little...for a atleast a little while. This group is what

keeps me going when I feel all loss of hope or help...so maybe it's one tiny

faltering step at a time, one blessed helping hand. Lily

It's early am and my only hope for some comfort is here with all of you who

know the pain. It seems that I'm better off when I'm alone because then I

can cry and not feel that I'm making someone feel uncomfortable...when I'm

with someone I have to listen and participate, but it's just a sham. None of

me is really caring about the small talk, or who gets elected or the economy...it all just seems so what? to me...what does it matter. I haven't

had anything that has brought me even a second of joy since my husband died.

But people don't seem to realize that crying and talking about your loved

one really helps you...they want to change the subject or tell you you have

to try to do things to keep your mind busy and I find myself losing patience

with them...I do do things....I keep up the house (it doesnt feel like a home

anymore) I pay the bills, I shop for food, I go out to eat, I go to the dentist, But I don't feel like getting involved in activities that were never

of interest to me before...why do they think they will be now. I finally

went to a counselor. Didn't want to go because what could a counselor do...

no one can bring my husband back. But I did go and how it helped was that

it allowed me a place to cry without feeling that it was making someone else

uncomfortable...I don't know how often I'll go but I asked if I could call

for anapppointment if I just needed someone to talk to.

Caroline, I understand how you feel. Rich and I were married for

almost 45 years...we grew up together didn't we and shared all of lifes

good times, bad times and times of sorrow. I just told someone the other

day that I never felt old...we went biking and hiking and kayaking and we

walked in the evenings holding hands and joking....just simple times but

so heartfelt. I look in the mirror now and I see old lady...and you're

right about invisible...I understand. Lily

Kim, I know today (wed., your and Dan's anniversary) is making you hurt badly. I wish somehow that hurt could be washed away. I was just lying awake and thinking of the silly, little, insignificant, stupid thoughts, or jokes, whatever you want to call them, that made us laugh...you know, one

of those "you would've had to been there"? and I miss those times with him

so much. I know you must have had those times, many times, with Dan. I don't believe that it's only the great moments in life that make us soulmates,

but the hundreds of seemingly insignificant moments as well. Take care Kim. Lily

It has been a while I did not post about my feelings .I read your posts and all of my feeling are there.Pain anxiety antidepressants .YES the world is still here but IM not.Looking myself at a mirror I see a stranger a women I dont recognize .During the week it gets easier but weekends is hell.hapiness we shared is sorow for me alone and nobudy to share .MY family is asupport but they dont talk about my loss cause its been 16 months and they believe I feel better.Most nights I find myself reliving the worst moments of my loved one over and over.Is that suffering going to last as long as I live. Is this kind of life of any worth ? Thank you for being there my far away friends.TENY

Dear Teny, My heart goes out to you. Like you, I don't post my feeling for a while ...I think because I just "give up"....but then the loneliness, the

sadness, the desperation of hopelessness becomes so intense that I think I'll

go crazy and then I look for help and comfort again and I come online and

feel some peace...because here, at least, everyone is suffering and knows...

really knows the pain and torment...I haven't felt a moment of joy since Richard died...I can't imagine feeling lighthearted...I'm not interested in

whose running for office or the environment or art or anything because none

of it seems important to me. It's as though life is a blink (something we always heard before but now I really understand it) - everything happened

so fast...and all the things that made up life and make up life just seem

irrelevant to me now. Unless someone has lost what we;ve lost, then they

can't feel what we do. I know that in the past I would sympathize but now

I know that I didn't FEEL the pain of that person. I know that now because

I talk and walk ok people think I'm ok and I'm not. You're not either and

I wish so much I could help you. Sometimes I make myself listen to my Richard saying to me before he died "Promise me you'll try to do the best you can with the time you have left" He held my hand tightly...he knew how hard this would be for me...he told the doctors and nurses he was worried because

I would be all alone....Well, I held on to him and promised him that I would

try...and now I am trying...it's just so hard...but I get a little stronger

each time I think of how much it meant to him that I be ok...so I picture

him beside me holding me hand and us walking together like we did so often

and I know it will give him more peace if I got stronger as each day went by...until we can be together again. I do this by myself because like Scotty

said about the saying "Misery likes company"?, but he added "Company doesn't

like Misery"...That's so true...so we put on a front of "wellness", but you

know, Teny, when you look in the mirror - it's just a shell. I'm hoping that

we'll work this out; that someday there will be peace and that when we smile or laugh it will be from our hearts. I wish people, friends, family would

just let us cry and cry and cry and just hold us when we do...I think that eventually that would help us...but instead they want to get us on another subject or another activity - so we just bury our grief and cry alone otherwise everyone is uncomfortable...I know that when I lost my mother and

when my younger brother died, Richard was there by my side always and when I cried I cried and he held me and I never felt I was making him uncomfortable...he just let me cry and talk and cry and he held me. So I

have to think he's still here holding me up when I cry and maybe I'm not

crying alone after all...Teny, don't you think Yanni is there with you too and that when you cry he's there...and after you cry the pain out that at

least you feel maybe just a little peace for just a little while. I'm

thinking of you, Teny. Lily

What a miserable day today. Starting my 2nd week back to work doing nightshifts. Finished this morn, slept a few hours and spent most of the day sobbing like a baby. Dont know what thats about, didn't feel this bad yesterday when I awoke. Strange how emotions kind of sneak up on you and slap you in the face.

Hopefully I'll get it together before my shift tonight.

....Scotty

Dear Scotty, It;s 4:30 am and I can't sleep even with a sleeping pill - I've

been crying and crying ....so I'm here...seems as though you all are

"lifesavers" ....I know what you mean about the crying...Some days when

I don't cry, I think OK I'm getting a little better...and then the

sadness overwhelms me again....but I think the crying does help if for

no other reason than it serves almost like an energy eater and we can

rest quietly for awhile....the sadness is still there, but it seems to

lose its tormenting impact of desperation...at least for awhile...I think

crying saves us. I had some friends call today that I had not spoken to

for some months and I cried so hard and deep but just the sound of their

words of kindness, so sincere, made me feel as though I was in their arms

crying even though it was over the phone, and I felt better afterward.

Does this make any sense...I don't really have anyone here for support

and comfort like that...we've all said this...people either feel awkward,

or they give advice about time has passed and time to go on and so we

or at least I do, but I've read other letters here where we seem to back

off and show only our outer selves...then they think we're getting better

and doing OK...My heart, my chest feels like its petrified rock; maybe the

tears are Gods way of watering the heart eventually giving it life again...

Isn't it as though we're two persons? One can go on with ordinary living like going to work, or taking care of the bills, or handling whatever other

daily life seems to require...and then - the big slam in the chest - and

this one of us "capable" person becomes a crying sobbing lost soul crying

out for someone to help...SCotty, my thoughts are with you now at 5:00 a.m.

just so you know you are not alone...Lily

I can never remember the right words to a song butI always thought Johny

Cash's song was "on a lonely sunday sidewalk, lord I wish that I were dead"....and if those aren't the words, that's how I feel....it's easter sunday and i took by dog for a long walk and ride and the streets and sidewalks are all deserted...and those words ran through my head ....I'm

so much in pain that I can't see how I can live with this...it's getting worse

for me not better...I want him back so badly and I know that can't be and that

just seems as though my heart is breaking in thousands and thousands of pieces

every day...other than all of you here, I don't have a support group...when

I go out to a dinner or for a ride I can put on a "face" but inside I'm crying

for him....I miss him so much, so so much...and I really can't see it getting

better for me....I just can't....he was everything to me...the other day, I

heard someone on tv I think describe 3 kinds of friends - Inner - Outer and

behind the veil....he said the inner are those you know by name, are cordial and nice to...these are acquaintances. the Outer are those that come to your house, go out to dinner couple times, you call every now and then/ you

know the names of their kids....The BEHIND THE VEIL - you could have 2 - at

the most!!!! YOU ARE BLESSED IF YOU HAVE ONE. tHESE ARE THE ONES YOU INVITE

TO HOLD YOUR HEART/ THEY CAN HURT YOU IF THEY DESIRE/ YOU SHARE PARTS OF

YOURSELF THAT INNER AND OUTER FRIENDS ARE NOT PRIVILEGED TO KNOW. You

can call these friends at 2 a.m. and they'll be there for you.

Rich was my behind the veil friend. And from reading all of these

letters I know that your losses were also the same....and I don't believe

that anyone can understand the pain and grief unless they have suffered

the loss of someone so much a part of your own being. I can't cry when

I'm with others because I can sense it makes them uncomfortable if it even

seems that I might cry and the subject is changed and so I have to listen

to what other subject makes everyone comfortable...I don't think I'm being

a cry baby or pity me person....it's just that I want someone to help me so

badly and there is no one....I cry for Rich I cry for God and I don't think

they can help me because I know that if Rich could, he would....and certainly

God can make a go of it....I'm just so tired and so lonely and so alone...

I don't know what else to do....I can putter around the house, pay bills,

make calls, etc....but I can not have a moment of quiet peace....I used

to read read read...couldn't wait until I got home from the bookstores...

and I can't concentrate now beyond a sentence or two....I thought that if I

could get interested in reading again, I would be able to get absorbed in

whatever book I was reading ...and that might give me some relief...but I

try and try and can't...someone gave me the name of a counselor, but I'm

afraid I'm defeating that before I go because I can't imagine how the counselor can help....or how can meds help...the other day I was listening

to Robert Morrison "going home" gospel song? He is so powerful in his

rendition, but rather then be blessed with serenity....I wanted to die and

be with all those who are waiting for me over there....my god....I hope this

doesn't make anyone feel worse - this seems so full of despair...but I have

no where else to go and really no one else to talk with. Thank you - all

of you - I read as many of your letters as I can and sit here and cry and

wish I could hold each and everyone who is in so much pain and help the pain

go away....Lily

Scotty and Rosemary,

I wonder if the this preoccupation with death is just part of the overwhelming pain of sadness that we have because we've lost part of our

hearts...I made arrangements for my funeral services, but Rosemary, like you

we had no children...we had such a closeness and now he's gone and I'm all

alone. I don't feel like retraining my life to have other interests. I

enjoyed doing things with Rich and he with me...and it could be almost anything....and now I miss him so much that I cry everyday and talk to him

hoping somehow he'll answer me...but that's not happening...so I keep my

self or at least try to busy and part of keeping busy is "getting things in

order" I made a new will, made funeral arrangements, have given bags and bags

of "stuff" (my stuff, not Rich's) to Goodwill. I think I'm doing this because I pray to die in my sleep....I just miss him so much I can't bear it.

I actually think he will come back to me...and then I realize that's not

going to happen....and I cry. People tell me I have to get out, keep busy,

find other interests. My God - I try to keep busy, but still, beneath the

surface of the "busy" work thoughts is a running memory tape; And I'm not

ready and don't know if I ever will be ready to change my lifestyle...I liked

what I had before...but now I have no joy of life and almost everything seems

meaningless to me....so, yes, I think of death - I think it would bring a

release of the pain...nothing else seems to be helping...

Scotty, it's strange, isn't it...that even with this awful emptiness

and pain, we can still think rationally ...here you are fixing the house

thinking of your daughter and I'm sorting things out and throwing things

out so that if I should die no one has a problem...and doing all that

I think makes people think we're doing well...for me it's just a cover.

I think the world perceives "depressed" as not getting out of bed, or cleaning

up, or not eating and if you're doing all that, then you must be doing better or well...I get out of bed each day, clean up, and eat and actually function

some...alone, can't be with a lot of people ...but then I never was a "have to

be around a lot of people" person....I was a loner and still am...but I find

I can't read and I always loved reading as did my husband...and I don't laugh

or smile anymore...except superficially. Scotty, Rosemary - you're in my

thoughts. Lily

Hi Ejn, I'm so sorry...when I read your letter I started to cry...I lost

my husband on October 31, 2007. We would have celebrated our 46 wedding

anniversay this Feb. 24. How can we not think we're all alone now...we

were really kids when we met and went through everything together...Rich

was always there for me and we could talk about anything and everything...

we shared all the good times and the bad times...I'm sorry about the loss

of your son; your husband was at your side then, wasn't he. I was called

last week about my dadbeing taken to the hospital - he is ok now, but when

I got the call it was as though someone kicked me in the chest - all I could

think of was that Rich was always there when something happened and he

always was my support always his arm around me....sometimes you have that

special closeness with your loved one that no one else can understand or

fill the space...not even children even though they try. I feel all alone

now too...I go out for a meal or two, but only with one friend...she talks

a lot and all I have to do is listen, but if there are more people I really

can't bear it...if I don't say anything they want to know "we're you always

this quiet" then I have to tell them about my husband and I don't feel like

sharing or talking to just anyone ....the only thing that made me feel

less miserable for a while was a project to fill gift baskets for a chinese

auction to help sick children...I took time and bought items for the baskets

and got them ready, but even that...after a while I started to cry because

Rich would've been shopping with me and clowning around ....there's nothing

I do thatdoesn't make me remember times with him....

EJN, I wish so much I could help you, but I could only cry when I read your

letter....I wrote in a month or so ago and then just couldn't write anymore...

then I did again and I realized that writing helps me even if just a little,

everyone that has written to me is so kind and understanding and no judgments

and no directions on "getting on with your life" and I know that helps me

some...and even if its only for a while, it thatbrief time when I'm feeling

some relief from the sadness and almost unbearable pain. I hope writing

will help you some too. Lily

I haven't been here for awhile - just could not bring myself to talk about

losing Rich - just seems too painful to even share - each day seems to be

worse for me because he will not be coming back to me - I can't explain it

but there are no times when I feel fine or good or at peace - I can put on

a front for people but inside I feel that I'm darkness and my heart is stone...I never am able to get my mind off of losing Rich - When I'm alone

I cry and cry and it seems as though the tears will never stop flowing...I do this alone because I think it makes people uncomfortable...people who are not

going through what we are seem to want to offer solutions - but there is no

solution to the misery and torment - he can't come back to me.

I'm sorry that I can't remember your name - you said your sister in law

said people who cry in front of others want attention? I'm sorry she

said that to you. I don't want attention and I don't want to be told

what to do - I want someone to just sit with me and let me cry and cry and cry...On the surface I can do mundane things like paying bills, getting things done on the legal end, taking care of home maintenance, etc, but

on the inside I hurt so bad I wish I could die....someone remarked the other day that I was doing much better....if only they knew....I miss him so much

and when I think how he won't be with me anymore for anything....just everyday

gossip, just riding in the car -- my god we shared so much and now he's not

here...I really can't stand the sadness...I probably will not take my life

because I don't know how to do it effectively - I'm only stopped by the fear

that I'll mess up and end up in the care of someone for the rest of my life...

but I do wish I would die in my sleep....

When your sisteriin law said what she did to you, I thought "well so what

if we want attention" I don't want attention, what I want is help help

help to rid myself of this pain and misery and torment....so when I cry I cry

because it hurts so much and maybe there's this thought that maybe someone can

help me with my pain - but then I know no one can because the only way my pain

will go away is if Rich were here and he's not and its not possible for him

ever to be with me....I look at his pictures and it doesn't seem as though

he's gone - they're just too real - his arm around me, clowning around, looking at me as though there could be no one he could love more and this

after 45 years!!!!

This sounds like a pity letter - and if it is too upsetting for anyone, I am

sincerely sorry....it's just that I have nowhere else to go with this....no

one really wants to listen and since I act ok "on the surface" they think I'm

ok and so "you should do this" or do that and I don't even feel like breathing. thank you for listening to me, I know your hearts are breaking

and I know you're in a dark place too...and I don't want to drag anyone down.

I want to thank everyone who wrote to me... I'm never certain I'm doing this

correctly...but just knowing that out there somewhere are men and women who

are having to bear the pain of someone more precious than can be said in words

helps me. thank you from my heart. Lily

Dear Teny, I'm so sorry you lost Yiany. I lost my husband, Richard,

just 2 months ago and like Yiany was to you, Richard was to me. We had no

children and I think because of that we focused on each other, we enjoyed

each other so much, we shared so much...we really liked each other, you know.

I don't know if any pills will ever help - it would be great if pills could

wash away the pain - the only thing that seems to help me is when I think of

how Rich always was there for me in times of trouble or grieving - he was always my strong supporter, my shoulder to lean on - now, when I need him the

most to help me through the loss of someone who I loved so dearly, he's not

here - but he is in my heart and I can hear him saying to me I'm here and

you can do this, you can do anything you set your heart and mind to. I know

you can. And see, he would always somehow give me that boost I needed.

So if I hold him in my mind and think how sad he would be if I didn't keep

trying trying trying....I can go on a little...and maybe someday it will get

better. Yiany is there for you also, Teny. He has to be. After Rich died

I wrote in desperation to the chaplain of the hospital where he died. I wrote because I needed comfort from somewhere someone and even though I had

lostmy faith in God because I couldn't see an all powerful loving God allowing Rich to suffer as he did before he died... But there was something about this chaplain that I felt I could write to. I told her about Rich's

and my life together ...and her words were very comforting. I had told her

that even knowing how much pain I would experience, I would still say yes to

marrying Richard. She said "You recognize that the price we pay for a great

love is great loss. Is there consolation in knowing that your love for Richard - the way he filled your life, the way your grew up together - has made you bigger, has stretched your sould, and now your ability to love, your

ability to see and embrace and understand this precious life of ours is greater than it was before? And even though all this space inside you feels

empty now, the greatness of your har will last forever. Richard's legacy

to you is love." "Love doesn't make sense unless somehow it lasts forever....

A wise friend of mine believes that the souls of those we love deeply stay close by us a long time after their passing. Have you any senseof Richard's being near to you? When the pain subsides for a while, when you are quiet, do you have any sign that he is close at hand?" Teny, I wanted to share these

kind words with you. I hope they help you even if for a little while. Lily

KIM - I started to write a little while ago and then must have hit the wrong key - so I don't know what happened....but what I started to say was simply

that my heart cries for your sadness and wondered if just having someone

hold you close while you cried and cried and cried with such a broken heart if

that would help you...maybe a close family member or are professional counselors allowed to do that. I know that sometimes just a comforting (but

sincere) touch or arm around my shoulders helps - only temporary, but stil

it comforts. I wish I could help you more but I feel like running too, but

where to? All my paths are blocked. My heart goes out to you, Kim. Lily

This is good - being able to write out what's in your heart and mind without fear of taking up somone else's time or someone telling you what you should be or should not be doing. I know people mean well and I know that people don't know what to say or do, but right now I can't handle their uncomfortableness. I feel as though I'm getting worse as each day goes by and when somone calls and asks Am I OK? I feel like shrieking...today I attempted to find out if there were local grief support groups, but its

Saturday and offices are closed - but I did get hold of a hospice number and

the nurse said she would have someone call me with info on Monday. She asked

if I was OK? I became unraveled and shouted no, I'm not ok, but I'll wait until Monday. See, I feel like I'm being overly sensitive - so of course no

one wants to be around a crazy lady. I am an intelligent, educated retired

professional and yet I can't explain it - but there's a part of me that thinks

my husband will be here tomorrow or the next day...it's almost as if I don't

want to join a grief support group because then I am accepting that he's gone...and when the moments come that he is not ever coming back to me, I want

to die. When you all wrote to me, telling me how you understood and how you

too had a dream in which your husband was holding you, how you think too he's

coming back, I cried and cried. I know now that I'm not alone in my pain and

I think I know too that you have to actually be in a similar situation - because then you actually do understand what is happening to someone.

Right now almost everything seems irrelevant to me...my husband died and

I had to pack some books that he had been reading and never finished. He

wondered before we left our home for his treatment when they would be finished

with paving the road - and I came home to the paved road that he never will see...the bicycles that he was getting ready for our trip on still on the stand in the basement with his bike tools lying around...I can hear him so clearly calling me, asking me if I could come down for a minute to help him

with something...just ordinary life - how can someone make such a difference.

I've resorted to buying a book on having the spirit of the loved one come

back through gazing into a mirror - but you have to be relaxed and I'm always

either on the verge of tears or crying...and I think if my husband came back, I would never let him go....see I hope you all don't think I'm too crazy for

all this but I have nowhere else to go with this pain. I want him with me

and I know, really know, that will not happen. You know, I can sleep at night, but the moment I wake up - it's bad. I, too, try to sleep late, but

can't...even tried sleeping pills, but they only let me sleep soundly and not

longer. I wish so much to just die in my sleep. I held my husband in my arms when he died and I wish he would or could just do the same for me. Please don't think I'm too morbid - I don't want you to stop writing - but

right now I just feel as though I'm a well of tears and have never felt such

despairing sadness - I can write all I want and for the moment I'm writing,

my mind is on the keyboard - but this won't bring him back either will it.

Now I feel as though I'm not helping anyone else or supporting them but adding

to their sadness. Please forgive me if I've done that - but I can't seem to

help myself - I want comfort so badly that I let all emotions out and I guess

I can only do that anonymously and not feel self conscious or that I'm making

someone feel uncomfortable because I can't see you - yet I know you are all

real persons who are suffering and are in pain and agony as I am. Thank you

all for listening to me.

Teri -

I've just now become a new member and not sure I'm doing any of this correctly - but I'll keep trying because even typing these messages out keeps my mind occupied for a while. MY heart goes out to you - I, too, feel that

things are just getting worse for me...and I feel so desperate and hopeless

when I wake each day and know my husband is not coming back to me. I can\

see him so clearly when he was sick and my heart breaks and then I see him

when he was healthy and I see him joking with me and teasing and shopping and

eating and walking and biking and just holding me and I die with each memory.

I cry now more than ever--someone said to me after asking how are you today -

your tears are probably all dried up. They have no idea. I feel as though

I'm burning with pain on the inside. I can't get interested in books anymore and I used to be an avid reader - I can't watch the news because it all seems so insignificant - we're here for such a short time and make so much

of nothing - and I too seem to lose patience and want to scream when someone

makes a complaint about some minor infraction or minor illness. My husband

was so strong for three years and we fought and did everything for him to live, but when the indiginities of his last hospital stay were such that he

just couldn't do it anymore, he said he wanted to die, to just fall asleep and

not wake up; he didn't want to leave me alone, but the pain of his life was too much...I know he worried about leaving me all alone and I know that he

would have fought to live if the pain hadn't been so much...I miss him so much

that I don't think I can go on much longer. Life without him just doesn't seem worth it. I thought about trying to volunteer at a childrens hospital,

but now I think I would only make it worse for everyone by bringing them down

with my sadness... because all I feel is this overwhelming sadness...I have

felt this way since he died - but only worse. I can only recall some respite

when a few times I had dreams in which he and I were doing things and I felt

normal and then I woke and for that brief instant while awake and before realizing it was a dream, I had a light, pleasant feeling. I don't know what

to do with myself - I think if I don't do something I'll lose my mind...one of the reasons I signed on to this support group I think was a desperate cry for help. I have virtually no support group in my life. I feel self conscious, I think, about burdening either family or friends - I think they

think I should be better by now, so I hold things in and on the surface - I

appear ok...but I'm screaming on the inside. thank you for listening.