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Marty,

Thank YOU for providing this forum. I didn't know if I would EVER get to this place. I think it's important for us to be able to share our successes with the ones we hold so dear in this process. And, I can only pray it gives a tiny bit of hope to others who are new to this journey who might click on this discussion group.

Reporting in after being a snowbird for the last 3 months. I met some wonderful couples and made friends who have already called and emailed to check on me since I returned home last week. God is faithful even when I am not and He sent a wonderful new widow friend while I was there. She and her husband had been to this particular campground year before last. He passed away just a year ago this month. I was so proud of her for attempting this so soon on her own and we became fast friends. She told me she was so happy I was there for her as well. I felt it was my time to "pay it forward" so to speak and was glad to be strong enough to be there for her.

I grew in my confidence and happiness. I'm no longer wishing I was dead but looking forward to life. I'm sure there will be setbacks along the way, I don't kid myself about that. My children had been to see me last November because they were worried about me. I love them so much and I don't want to be a source of worry to them on top of the grief they bear in losing their Dad.

Just wanted to share some positive news with those of you who have been traveling down this road with me. I'm hoping each of you are having some successes in finding happiness as well.

God Bless!

Gail,

I only get on here occassionally now but was so happy to read of your engagement. I wish you both health, happiness and much love!

Kay,

I wish you could be here too. I'd love to meet you in person and who knows, maybe we will. I feel certain God will provide a way for us to meet some day but until then we will continue to make our way down this path getting to know & supporting each other in this forum.

Love & peace,

Hi Kay!

Just over 2 years for me. As you know, I'm at a campground in Alabama for the winter. I didn't know if I could do this without Harry. He loved it so much and was so looking forward to our retirement. I was talking to Mary Linda last night and I told her it seems odd but I do better when I am away. I think it's because every time I look out my kitchen window at home I'm reminded of seeing him laying there behind the shed. I guess I need to do some deep thinking about that. I've tried not to make rash decisions. It's the one piece of advice almost every other widow consistently gave me in the beginning.

I miss Harry's silly sense of humor, the looks he gave me...even the ones I got when he was annoyed with me. Most of all I miss his unconditional love.

Good to hear from you and I will defintely be getting on here more often to check out the new beginnings section. I pray the "oldies" are finding a sense of peace and finding their way down this path to some degree of happiness.

Thanks for the kind and encouraging words girls. Babs, they have a used book store here & I will check to see if they have that book. If not, my sister runs one back home and maybe she will have it. Our retirment plans now have to become my retirment plans. I really dislike the winter weather, I have this camper, so here I am giving it a try. Yes, I also think Harry would be proud of me.

Peace to you as well.

Kay, you asked me to post how it's going. I'm happy to report that in spite of getting a late afternoon start, we managed to get the camper down here and set up the next afternoon (December 28th). My brother-in-law, sister & nephew stayed with me for a week. When they left, I did not cry. I go to almost every activity and I'm meeting really nice people. I've had a few problems with the camper but with the help of others, I've gotten them fixed or figured out and managed to even laugh about it. I've noticed that my sense of humor is coming back and it feels good. I'm not fooled. I know I will face periods of sadness but I'm trying to focus on living. I'm happy the weather is starting to improve and looking forward to getting down to the beach. More later....

Sherry

God Bless you Kay!

Thank you all for the kind words and encouragement. Mary Lou, I'm happy to hear that you are still able to use your camper. I'm hoping for a good experience as well. I do know that Harry would be proud of me for trying this.

Sherry

I'm trying something new this winter. My husband and I had planned to take our camper and travel after his retirement but he died suddenly just 6 working days short of that goal. After the 2nd anniversary of his death, December 22nd, and Christmas with my family, I have a reservation in a campground near Gulf Shores, AL for Jan-March. I need to make a decision about the camper, whether to keep it or sell it. I think this will help me decide and get me out of the harsh part of the winter here in Illinois. I'm trying to be optimistic but if it doesn't work out I'm not going to be hard on myself. I think we can only keep trying to figure out what our future is without the one we thought we would spend it with.

Sherry

Dear Teny,

I don't get on here much anymore either. I check in and read sometimes to see if anyone has been able to find happiness because it feels like I will never ever be truly happy again. It's so hard when everything you had planned for your golden years is ripped away after nearly 43 years of marriage. I keep reaching out to other widows, I plan and take trips, I exercise, and then I come home to this empty house. I turn on the TV for noise, I sleep with the TV on because I'm afraid of noises I hear when I go to bed, and I wonder why I'm so afraid because if I died, it would get me to where I want to be...with Harry. You are not alone. I try to put on my happy face because when I don't have it on I get questioned and the people questioning me can't really help because there is no answer. Now you know why I don't post here because I'm crying as I read what I type so how in God's name could this post help anyone else? I've been told recently (by another widow no less) that I'm negative which really hurt my feelings...but in rereading this I have to face the fact that she is right.

On the anniversary of Harry's death last year (year one) I had a little ceremony in the yard where he died. I plan to repeat it again this Decembr 22nd (year two). It seems to give me something to focus on to prepare me for that terrible day. I don't know if you do anything like that as a memorial but it might help somewhat. I will be praying for you.

Love,

Sherry

Walt,

I also check in here from time to time and what a pleasant post yours was to read today. I have only had one dream of Harry shortly after he died but this gives me hope that someday I may have more of them. Today, I was down in the dumps and teary eyed and went out to the cemetery for a visit. Thru my tears while pullying grass up near the headstone on the side with my name was a mark in the shape of a heart. It looked to be dirt that had been partially washed away by rain but I choose to believe it was Harry telling me not to cry, that he will always love me. What precious happenings these are to those of us who are grieving.

Boo,

I lost my mother in 2003 and haven't had any dreams of her. I pray I get one similar to yours some day. So happy you for you.

Love,

Sherry

Dear Wendy,

Praying that God holds you and all the members of your family close to Him provides the strength you need.

Love,

Sherry

Sitting here looking at a picture of Harry & his wonderful brown eyes. Usually sit here crying because I won’t see them again…I never heard from the recipient of his cornea transplants, at least not yet. But I’m ok with that. If the transplant failed, I guess I wouldn’t want to know.

It was 18 months on the 22nd of June. I’ve had short breaks in the severe grieving. In looking back I realize that the old saying “God won’t give you any more than you can handle” has been true for me. For each of us that has a different meaning. For me, it means I’m still here when I wanted to die, all the while feeling guilty about what that would do to my children, grandchildren, sisters and the rest of my family and friends. Thanks be to God for never giving up on me!

I’ve made it through all those first holidays and anniversaries. I’ve gone to a regular support group as well as the support I’ve received here. I’ve reached out to lots of other widows trying to establish new friendships with women who are in the situation in which I find myself. It seems like I have made a job out of trying to make a life for myself. I also realize how fortunate I am to have had Harry in my life for 42 years and 7 months and that if the situation were reversed I wouldn’t want him to be in pain forever. I would want him to be happy.

For the new people on this site this is intended as a glimmer of hope. For the people who were on when I first found the site it is meant as a thank you for being there for me. Many of you are brilliant at expressing what so many of us are feeling but unable to put into words.

Praying that you all have a good 4th of July. Hoping you find yourselves surrounded by those you love but knowing that even if you are alone that you really never are because you have this site and our Father in heaven on your side.

Love,

Sherry

Hello Urchin,

I rarely post any longer but "happened" to check in here today. I'm nearing the 18th month mark in a few days. My husband also died suddenly. He was 62 and planning an early retirement with just 6 days left to work. The reason I share this with you is to give you hope. I felt hopeless just as are conveying in your post. I found this site just short of a month after Harry's death. I couldn't even post for a while, just read and cried...for myself and so many others here who seemed to be saying just how I was feeling. I've been so thankful to the people here who have a gift of expressing themselves. I would never be able to repay the kindess and wisdom found within this group. Keep coming back. I know you will find it to be true as well.

Hang on!

Sherry

Vickie,

Your on my prayer list!

Sherry

Mel,

I've been there too. I felt like I wanted to run away from it all but of course no matter where I'd go I'd still feel the loss. The advice I got was not to do anything for a year. Well, I've just passed the year mark and it is still hard to make changes. I'm unsure of myself. When you are used to having your spouse to talk things over with and suddenly it's not possible it's very overwhelming. In the beginning anything I did seemed like an out of body experience. I can say it is gettiing better but still difficult with big decisions, like buying a car, etc.

I'm glad you felt like you could turn to this site and post. I know how much that has helped me. We are here for you.

I want to start a list of the couples here...I could name many of them but don't want to leave anyone out, so please add your name and the name of the spouse you lost...I want to pray for each of you in this new year.

Kay and George

Erica and Walter

Scott and Kate

Tom and Mary Linda

Janet and Mike

Corinne and Jimmy

Jeanne and Alex

Derek and Karen

Rosemary and Lou

Bob and Janet

Jean and Walter

Bob and Mel

Teny and Yiany

Mark and Julie

Harry & Sherry

Wendy and Steve

Jack and John

Karen and Jack

Jan and Dale

Joe and Marsha

Larry and Deborah

Kathy and Bob

Bruce and Gail

Pat and Walter

(((Jackie ))) and Fred

Charlie and Patti

Praying this year brings some measure of happiness for everyone here in whatever step you are on in this journey called grief.

Teny,

I pray for a year of less pain for you and all here. What beautiful customs your country celebrates. I'm sorry that they hold bad memories for you now. Teny, those who are further along in the process tell us that it will become easier and I have to believe it is true. When you have been married to someone since you were so young (Harry & I were just 18 & 19) I guess you can't expect that you could feel joy again soon. I pray that you, I and the others will experience true joy again some day.

I want to start a list of the couples here...I could name many of them but don't want to leave anyone out, so please add your name and the name of the spouse you lost...I want to pray for each of you in this new year.

Kay and George

Erica and Walter

Scott and Kate

Tom and Mary Linda

Janet and Mike

Corinne and Jimmy

Jeanne and Alex

Derek and Karen

Rosemary and Lou

Bob and Janet

Jean and Walter

Bob and Mel

Teny and Yiany

Mark and Julie

Harry & Sherry

Mel,

Music is a very important part of my healing. I hadn't heard that song in a long time. The words are so true. Music makes me cry but that's what I do best these days. I'm glad to see you post again. To me it is a brave thing to do...to put a part of our lives out here for others to share. I've discovered it is another important part of my healing and I think you find that to be true as well.

Last year, it had been 8 days since Harry died suddenly, so I know that I was still in a state of shock and denial. We never did anything special for New Year's eve as he always had worked that day and had to work New Year's day too. He had to be up for work at 4:00 a.m so he would go to bed around 8 p.m. He would kiss me and say "See you next year!" Tomorrow would have marked his first anniversary of retirement. He was going to be walking out the door of the grocery store (he was a meatcutter) as a retiree January 1, 2008. That has been very difficult to accept. He worked so hard all his life and was so looking forward to being "his own boss" and our plans for camping and fishing. It was my first New Year's without him in 43 years.

I continue to pray for everyone here. There is no magic to end this grief. We just have to keep taking it one minute/hour/day at a time.

Lately this song has been one that touches me.

Here are the lyrics:

How far are You, how close am I

I know Your words are true and I don't feel them inside

Still I believe You'll never leave

So where are You now

You're all I have, You're all I know

Your breath is breathing in my soul

Still I am gasping, aching, asking

Where are You now

Cause I just wanna be with You

I just want this waiting to be over

I just want to be with You

And it helps to know the Day is getting closer

Every minute takes an hour

Every inch feels like a mile

Til I won't have to imagine

And I finally get to see You smile

My journey's here, but my heart is There

So I dream and wait, and keep the faith, while You prepare

Our destiny, til You come back for me

Oh, please make it soon!

Cause I just wanna be with You

I just want this waiting to be over

I just want to be with You

And it helps to know the Day is getting closer

Every minute takes an hour

Every inch feels like a mile

Til I won't have to imagine

And I finally get to see You smile

I just wanna be with You

I just want this waiting to be over

I just want to be with You

And it helps to know the Day is getting closer

I just wanna be with You

I just want this waiting to be over

I just want to be with You

And it helps to know the Day is getting closer

Every minute takes an hour

Every inch feel like a mile

Til I won't have to imagine

And I finally get to see You

Every minute takes an hour

Every inch feel like a mile

Til I won't have to imagine

And I finally get to see You smile

Fred,

I also sometimes have trouble hitting that reply button in fear that I might say something to offend someone and not even realize it. I think I did that in the beginning when my grief was very raw. Someone responded that I needed to be careful how I worded things as members were at various stages of their own grief. No was is as good about beating me up as I am myself. For a while I was hesitant to post. So yes, I can relate to what you are saying. A very good idea.

By the way, I have always felt you are one of the people here who seems to know just the right thing to say.

Fred,

My youngest sister who has loved Harry since she was 6 years old just told me a few days ago how much she is hurting and she has felt like I think I'm the only one who misses him. That really upset me. I love my family dearly and I knew they were hurting but as I told her I haven't had the strength to help myself let alone anyone else and maybe I have been selfish in my grief and I'm sorry for hurting her. One thing I have learned this past year is that there are no right or wrong feelings. They are yours and you are entitled to them. I'm glad my sister was finally able to express what apparently she had been holding back for several months. It got it out in the open and we were able to talk about it. That same night was our family Christmas party at this same sister's home. We held a memorial ceremony to honor Harry and each of us spoke about him and a special memory we had of him. It was a moment of acknowledging the grief of every member of our family and I think a great healing took place that night. Your post talked about sharing our experiences. I'm not all that good at expressing myself but I hope in posting this it helps someone else here.

Mike,

Thanks for sharing the pictures of your dear Janet and sons. Although it was difficult for you today, I'm sure your efforts meant a great deal to your them.