MikeC

It has been quite a while since I posted here, although I do check in here from time to time. Most of the names I see now are not familiar to me, but I know we have much in common. I lost Janet, my wife of 29 years, in June 2008 (it was 17 months ago yesterday). I have gone through my year of “firsts” - wedding anniversary, Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays, Mother's Day – and while they were all difficult times, I did manage to get through them.

Today I fixed Thanksgiving dinner for my 2 sons and me. We started with a toast – to Janet, to the fact that we are still a family, and that things are a lot better now than they were a year ago. I still miss Janet so much, but I no longer feel sad all the time. Memories of her are now more pleasant than saddening – I can smile and even laugh when I think of some of the joyful times we shared. Believe me, that wasn't the case this time last year!

A year ago I was sure I would never reach this point, despite assurances that things would get better from folks here who had been on this journey to healing a lot longer than me. It has been a very gradual healing process. I don't claim to be “healed” and I doubt that I will ever “get over” this great loss, but I do see glimpses of hope and happiness where I once saw darkness and depression.

I want to offer my wish that all of you find something to be thankful for today and hope that you see happier times in the months and years ahead.

Mike

It has been quite a while since I posted here, although like others I do come here to read what others have written. I rarely feel like I have anything useful to say.

Today is a milestone for me: the first anniversary of my wife Janet's passing. It has certainly been a year of change and in many ways, growth, for me. I still miss her so very much, but the memories that were once so painful are less so now; in fact, they often evoke a smile instead of tears. I recently became involved in a new relationship with a sweet, caring woman who also happens to have the name Janet. She has 3 adult children and two 3-year-old granddaughters, with another grandchild on the way. I feel really comfortable with her and her family, and my 2 sons seem to like her a lot, too. I am hopeful that this relationship will be a lasting one.

Anyway, the main thing I want to do is thank the folks here who gave me so much support when I really needed it. A few months ago I found it hard to believe that things would get better, despite assurances from several of the "old timers" here. But sure enough things have gotten better - I am healing from this great loss! I still have a long way to go, but I can definitely see progress.

Thanks to you all again, and good luck on your journeys!

Mike

Dear Kim,

You are in my thoughts today, too. Hang in there.

Mike

Kath,

What a beautiful, touching poem - thank you for writing it.

Mike

Wendy,

I am getting here a little late, but I want you to know my thoughts are with you as you pass the 2 year mark. May you find peace and happiness, my dear friend.

Mike

Thanks again, all of you, for the birthday wishes. I had a very good birthday yesterday - including a surprise party at a local music store where we have a weekly jam session. We played music until 1:00 this morning, so I am pretty well spent today.

Mike

P.S. Kay, you should come sing at the weekly jam. Marsha, if I start counting birthdays backward now it will still be a long, long time before I am not an old geezer!

I went to a live music performance on Sunday and saw an Irish duo called The Guggenheim Grotto. After the concert I bought their new cd entitled "Happy the Man" which includes the following song. I don't have a link to the music, but I got these lyrics from their web site. This song is anything but uplifting - in fact I cried when I heard it on the cd. It describes how I feel exactly.

Heaven Has A Heart

heroes get forgotten

good men overthrown

I found true love

then I lost my love

so I’ll carry out my days alone

but I won’t parade my sorrows

we all have our own tunes to moan

but here is a truth

that everyone must swallow

heaven has a heart of stone

build your castles with diamonds and marble and steel

and you get knocked down

live your life with compassion and humility

still you get knocked down

I’m not saying

‘don’t fall in love... don’t reach for the stars...’

but everyone should know

that heaven has a heart of stone

and you can want it with every fibre of your being

but how it plays out in the end is never sure

my baby got so thin I didn’t know her

then she slipped away for evermore

and what’s another grain of sorrow upon the world

with nations of people reduced to ashes and bone?

still, what kind of heaven gives you something then

takes it from you?

a heaven with a heart of stone

build your castles with diamonds and marble and steel

and you get knocked down

live your life with compassion and humility

still you get knocked down

I’m not saying

‘don’t fall in love... don’t reach for the stars...’

but everyone should know

if heaven has a heart

then heaven has a heart of stone

Mike

Dawn,

I am glad you have had a good day today. Mine has been okay, as well. So, let me add my HAPPY BIRTHDAY to you, too!

Mike

Shelley,

I hope you have had a great birthday today!

Mike

Marty,

I want to wish you a special happy birthday and echo what everybody else has said. If it were not for this place I don't know what I would have done. The good people here (you included!) have helped me get through some hard times. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything!

Mike

Gosh, I am truly overwhelmed. Thank you all for the warm wishes and for all the help you've given me since I found this special place. Happy Birthday to you, too, Shelley. It looks like a bunch of us are celebrating today!

All my love to you guys...

Mike

Welcome, Annie

I am sorry for the loss of your husband. You are not bringing anybody down by posting here - you are among friends who understand what you are going through. I lost my wife about 7 1/2 months ago and I still cry almost every day, too. Take all the time you need and come here often - it has helped me a lot.

Mike

Happy Birthday, Marsha!!!

Mike

Mary Linda,

Janet died just 4 days before our 29th wedding anniversary, so I was still very much in shock for that first one without her. Please know that you are in my thoughts on this difficult day.

Mike

Hi, Marsha

I've been putting off settling Janet's estate for a month now. It just seems to symbolize the finality of her passing to me. I hope tomorrow does bring that brighter frame of mind to you.

Mike

Kim,

You are an incredibly strong person and a great mother. I am sorry you have so much to deal with - you are in my thoughts.

Mike

Deborah,

You could take a word processor to your original post, replace your name with mine and Larry's name with Janet's, and you would have a pretty accurate description of my feelings at various times in the last few months. I've had the same issues with guilt and God. I marvel at how Janet kept her faith through the entire ordeal. What you said about unconditional love in your last post also resonates with me. I still love Janet very much, even though she is not here, and I dearly miss the feeling of being the focus of her unconditional love. I don't know how anyone ever gets over that. Take care, Deborah.

Mike

Hi Jeanne,

As we have discussed before, you and I started down this path at almost the same time - Janet passed away on June 25, and I joined this forum the day after you did. There are a lot of difficult memories for me to deal with over the months ahead, too. Hopefully we can get through these times together. Take care.

Mike

Today (January 28) is the first anniversary of the death of Rosemary's husband Lou. I'm sure she could use some hugs as she faces this day, so here is one from me...

(((((Rosemary)))))

You are in my thoughts today.

Mike

Marsha,

I have had a few dreams about Janet - too few, because I wish I had them every night. In every dream she has looked healthy and happy. In the first couple of these dreams I was either looking for Janet and could not find her, or I could see her at a distance and couldn't get to her before I woke up. The first dream in which she laughed and spoke was wonderful! I had one dream in which she held my hand and I immediately awoke and could still feel her hand in mine. The most recent "Janet" dream occurred this past weekend. We were in an sporting goods store and she was buying clothing for me. It was all very natural and we talked, but I can't remember anything she said. I am thankful for these dreams and for the way her part in them has gotten progressively more prominent as time passes.

Mike

Marsha, I don't think you are crazy at all. I talk to Janet every day, usually just to tell her how much I miss her. I want to believe she hears me, but I haven't sensed any indication of that yet. I keep hoping, though!

Mike

Lisa, I am sorry for your loss, especially at such a young age. My wife died 7 months ago and I am so glad I found this site. People here understand what you are going through and can help you get through some tough times. Thanks for including the photo - you and Sergio are a beautiful couple and you look so happy together. Take care.

Mike

Rosemary, I wish you strength to cope with this difficult anniversary. You are in my thoughts.

Mike

Kay,

As others have said, I am thankful for you and other "veteran" members of this site. You do indeed have a gift for knowing what to say to help people cope with their problems. You really hit the nail on the head with this post. Thank you.

Mike

Hi Mel,

I feel for you and have some idea what you are going through. I had 2 memorials for Janet. The first one was at her church 12 days after her death. She had helped plan the service before her death - choosing which hymns to sing and various other things. The minister and other people at the church were very helpful, too, so my involvement was minimal. Still, I dreaded the service and didn't feel like I would be able to speak. When the time arrived and I saw all the people in the church, I felt comforted and very much at ease - I even surprised myself and got up and thanked Janet's church friends for all they had done for her (and me and my sons). In short, it went much, much better than I anticipated.

We had another memorial for her at her brother's home 5 months after her death. I was responsible for the planning of this one, and I really dreaded that day as it approached. But again, once I felt the comfort of family and friends who had gathered to honor and remember Janet, all my apprehension left and the day turned into a very tender, sweet experience - one I will always treasure.

Mel, I am not able to pray these days, but I truly hope your memorial for Bob brings you some degree of comfort and healing.

Mike