MikeC

Walt,

I don't remember exactly what we were doing on January 13, 2005, but that was almost exactly 5 months before Janet was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. She was probably beginning to feel some of the symptoms of the disease then, but not to the degree where she would start to be concerned. We had gone to Florida at Christmas to see her mom, who was having health problems and would die about 4 months later. Janet was very concerned about her mother's health and took some time off from work to be with her. Janet was still teaching at that time, and I was just starting a new semester. Our older son was starting his last semester at college. So this was the "calm before the storm" for us - we were mostly enjoying life with no idea of the tragedy on the horizon.

Mike

Thanks, everybody, for telling how you would spend your hour. Isn't it difficult to choose among thousands of things we'd like to do with the precious ones with which we shared so many loving and joyful moments?

Donna, I am sorry for the loss of your husband - less than 2 weeks ago! You will find many gentle, caring spirits here who understand the pain you are feeling. Many have been on this road for a while, while others like you are just getting started. It helps to talk about your thoughts, fears, and questions, so please feel free to share them with us. This group has surely been a great source of comfort for me in the six months since my wife's death. I hope you find healing here, as well.

Mike

Chai, I'm going to try to address points from this post and your other post entitled The “me” Focus.

While I am not an expert on the topic of grief, I have had a good bit of experience with it. Unlike you, I am an old guy who lost his parents after they had reached old age, but I did lose my wife six months ago after a 3 year battle with ovarian cancer. She was 59 years old, a little older than your dad, and we had been married nearly 29 years. At the time you came home on winter break I believe you were about one month out from your dad's death. If you are anything like me and most others here, you were probably in shock for that first month and it wasn't until later that the cold reality of your dad's death hit you full force. I was able to do more things shortly after my wife's death than I have been in subsequent months. I am only now starting to see little hints that I may be making progress toward healing. Your listlessness pretty much describes the way I felt for months, so if I am normal (and that may be a stretch – just ask people who know me) then so are you.

I have 2 sons who both had graduated from college at the time of their mom's death, but the younger son was still in school when she was diagnosed with cancer. She initially had a very good response to the treatment. The cancer was in remission for a short while, but it returned when my younger son was in his senior year in an engineering program. He stayed in school, but had a very difficult time, failing a class that had to be retaken in summer school so he could graduate. I also teach at a small college and have witnessed the difficulties encountered by students who are grieving the loss of a loved one. The next months will be very hard for you, Chai. I would suggest sitting out a term, or at least taking a limited schedule, so you can have time to deal with the loss of your father. You need to focus on yourself as you indicate in The “me” Focus. Your friends have not suffered the horrible loss you have, so you cannot expect them to understand your pain, but you've found some good people here who do get it. I am personally thankful to many here who've helped me more than they know.

I've rambled a little bit, but what I am trying to say is that I think you are normal and handling the situation that has been thrust on you as well as anybody would. Your passion for writing will return – and you are a very talented writer, by the way - just give it time. You are in my thoughts.

Mike

Marsha,

Your first anniversary and Joe's first birthday since his death, plus having to deal with the holidays for the first time without him - that's a lot to deal with at once! At least you have those "firsts" behind you now. Christmas Day was 6 months out for me, so we are nearly on the same schedule in that regard, but I've still got birthdays and our anniversary (Janet died 4 days before our 29th, so I was still in shock for the first one) to face. I admire you for painting the room - I would almost rather take a beating than paint! I feel the same reluctance about posting my problems when there are others here that have so much on their plates, but I think there is enough love and compassion here to go around. You need to talk about your grief as much as the next person. Take care, Marsha.

Mike

If you could have your spouse/partner/significant other back with you, in good health, for one hour, how would you spend the time? I am missing Janet a lot this evening and this question just popped into my head.

There are so many things I would like to do with Janet – making love, taking her out to a restaurant that recently opened, taking her to hear some live music, visiting with our best friends, asking her some of the countless questions I have pondered since her death, and so on. But with just one hour, I would like to spend the time at home with her and our sons. Not doing anything special, just snuggling on the couch, talking, watching TV, eating popcorn, hopefully hearing the laugh and seeing the smile I miss so much – just a typical “boring” evening at home.

How would you spend your hour?

Mike

Welcome Leda,

I am sorry for the loss of your husband, but you have found a good place to come and talk about it. I am thankful for this site, too - the folks here have helped me get through some very hard times.

Mike

I want to start a list of the couples here...I could name many of them but don't want to leave anyone out, so please add your name and the name of the spouse you lost...I want to pray for each of you in this new year.

Kay and George

Erica and Walter

Scott and Kate

Tom and Mary Linda

Janet and Mike

Corinne and Jimmy

Jeanne and Alex

Derek and Karen

Rosemary and Lou

Bob and Janet

Jean and Walter

Bob and Mel

Teny and Yiany

Mark and Julie

Harry & Sherry

Wendy and Steve

Jack and John

Karen and Jack

Jan and Dale

Joe and Marsha

Larry and Deborah

Kathy and Bob

Bruce and Gail

Pat and Walter

(((Jackie ))) and Fred

Charlie and Patti

Charlie and Leda

Hi everyone,

I want to add my thanks, too. You have helped me so much over the last few months. I hope 2009 is a better year for all of us.

Mike

I want to start a list of the couples here...I could name many of them but don't want to leave anyone out, so please add your name and the name of the spouse you lost...I want to pray for each of you in this new year.

Kay and George

Erica and Walter

Scott and Kate

Tom and Mary Linda

Janet and Mike

Corinne and Jimmy

Jeanne and Alex

Derek and Karen

Rosemary and Lou

Bob and Janet

Jean and Walter

Bob and Mel

Teny and Yiany

Mark and Julie

Harry & Sherry

Wendy and Steve

Jack and John

Karen and Jack

Jan and Dale

Joe and Marsha

Larry and Deborah

I want to start a list of the couples here...I could name many of them but don't want to leave anyone out, so please add your name and the name of the spouse you lost...I want to pray for each of you in this new year.

Kay and George

Erica and Walter

Scott and Kate

Tom and Mary Linda

Janet and Mike

Mel,

Once again you have expressed your feelings beautifully with a song. It will also be my first New Year's Eve without my wife. Like Rosemary and Lou, Janet and I didn't do the big party thing - we enjoyed being in each other's arms as the new year arrived.

Take care, Mel - we will all get through these "firsts" together.

Mike

Vickie,

I want to echo what Fred said - talk openly about Pat with your family and friends. I used to be reluctant to bring Janet up in conversation because I felt it made some people feel uneasy, but I got over that. I don't want her to be forgotten, and the best way to make sure she isn't is to keep putting her name out there.

Mike

Chai,

Thanks for reminding me of So Far Away - it is one of my favorite songs by one of my favorite songwriters. I was listening to Eva Cassidy's Songbird cd on my trip back from my sister's house today. The song I Know You By Heart is so beautiful and bittersweet. Here is a link to the song – the pictures are nice but the audio could be a little better:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ISipJs6I1w4

Here are the lyrics in case your computer can't do music:

I Know You By Heart

Midnights in Winter

The glowing fire

Lights up your face in orange and gold.

I see your sweet smile

Shine through the darkness

It's line is etched in my memory.

So I'd know you by heart.

Mornings in April

Sharing our secrets

We'd walk until the morning was gone.

We were like children

Laughing for hours

The joy you gave me lives on and on.

‘Cause I know you by heart.

I still hear your voice

On warm Summer nights

Whispering like the wind.

(Oh oh ohh…)

You left in Autumn

The leaves were turning

I walked down roads of orange and gold.

I saw your sweet smile

I heard your laughter

You're still here beside me every day.

‘Cause I know you by heart,

‘Cause I know you by heart.

Mike

Rosemary,

There was a TV program a few years ago called Ed, with Tom Cavanaugh playing the title role and Julie Bowen as Carol, the woman he loved. Ed was the owner of a bowling alley in Ohio. I loved that program and saw every episode except for the series finale. We had an ice storm that day that knocked out the power. Janet was visiting her mother in Florida at the time - she got to see it. Ed and Carol were married in the bowling alley in the last episode.

Mike

Marsha, I created a PhotoBucket page and fixed the links - they should work now. I included some pictures from past Christmases and one of Janet and me a couple of months before she died.

By the way, the apple pie was very good, too (even if I did bake it myself).

Marsha,

Here is a link to photos with a picture of my sons at the dinner table just before we ate. If you look closely you can see Janet's picture at her place at the table. The menu included a pork tenderloin that was stuffed with bread stuffing, mashed potatoes, rolls, corn, salad, and an apple pie which we are still too full to eat. We started with a toast to Janet. It was a little tearful but we managed to get through it. The one entitled Blessed Assurance was taken at Janet's memorial in PA the Saturday after Thanksgiving. I am the bald guy playing guitar.

Christmas Dinner 2008

Blessed Assurance

Janet & Mike April 2008

Janet Christmas 2005

Janet Christmas Eve 2007

Janet Christmas Past

I moved the photos from Geocities to PhotoBucket. Maybe the links will work now!

Mike

Good for you, Rosemary! I am glad to hear you will be spending time with good friends today. You take care, too.

Mike

P.S. I like your picture of Lou.

Fred,

Thank you for posting this beautiful, thoughtful message of encouragement. I am not alone today - my two sons are here and I am fixing Christmas dinner for them. We are trying our hardest to be positive today, but to be honest I am having a difficult time. It is the six-month anniversary of Janet's death. I want to put her picture at her place at the table at dinner time, but I am reluctant to do so because of the effect it may have on my sons.

Thanks again to you, Fred, and to all my friends here who have helped me so much over the last few months. I hope you all manage to find peace and joy today and in the days ahead.

Mike

Kay,

A week ago two of my son's friends, both gentle young men, were attacked and viciously beaten in a public restroom by a stranger. They did nothing to provoke the attack – it was a random act of violence by a psychopath. They were in the wrong place at the wrong time and while it is unlikely that anything like that will happen to them again, I am sure they will carry the physical and emotional scars with them for a long, long time.

That was no more their fault than your situation with your husband is your fault. Like these two young guys, you were blindsided, a victim of someone who lacks the basic decency and moral values that we expect of others. They did nothing to deserve the beating, just as you did nothing to deserve the mistreatment dealt to you. Your situation is worse in that your assailant is a man you trusted your heart to. I don't see how you can help having your trust of others shaken, and your self-esteem battered. You will likely bear these scars for some time to come. But please don't think of yourself as a “piece of garbage.” If there is a piece of garbage in this scenario, it is the man who has caused you to feel this way.

I don't know that anything I say to you will make you feel better about yourself. A friend recently told me something her dad used to say: if you tell yourself something often enough you will believe it. I think this is true, and I am afraid this is what is happening to you. I will echo what Marsha said – you are a loving, wonderful woman and you are valued by so many people here. Maybe if we tell you that enough you will believe it.

Mike

For me it would be Christmas, 2005. Janet was diagnosed with late stage ovarian cancer in June of that year and the outlook was grim. I feared I would lose her in a matter of months. If the cancer is not widespread the usual treatment is debulking surgery followed by 6 rounds of chemo. Since Janet's cancer had spread throughout much of her abdomen, the doctor recommended that she have 3 rounds of chemo, then debulking surgery, followed by 3 more rounds of chemo. By Christmas Janet had responded amazingly well to the treatment – the chemo had shrunk the tumors to the point that many had disappeared and the remaining masses were signficantly smaller. She had had the debulking surgery, which was termed “optimal”, and had started the last 3 chemo treatments.

Janet had absolutely no hair, but she was never more full of life, her eyes had never sparkled any brighter, and her smile filled my heart with joy. Simply put, she was beautiful. We were so thankful and hopeful – it was a very special Christmas.

Mike

That's me, too. I was able to talk about my feelings with my wife, but now when somebody asks me how I am I generally say, "I'm doing okay." - but usually I'm not. It is often difficult for me to write about it here, too, because everybody already has enough problems, some of them overwhelming. I feel like I would just bring them down even more.

Mike

For me right now,

, especially the Etta James version, is absolutely the saddest song I know. I have loved this song from the moment I heard it. It used to remind me of how lucky I was to have found Janet after being alone. Now it makes the pain of being alone again almost unbearable.

At Last

At last, my love has come along

My lonely days are over

And life is like a song

Oh, yeah, at last

The skies above are blue

My heart was wrapped up in clover

The night I looked at you

I found a dream that I could speak to

A dream that I can call my own

I found a thrill to press my cheek to

A thrill that I have never known

Oh, yeah you smiled, you smiled

Oh, and then the spell was cast

And here we are in heaven

For you are mine

At last

Mike

Kim, you amaze me - to face so many problems, deal with your grief, and then devote your Christmas to helping the needy takes incredible strength of character and a huge, loving heart. I don't think I could handle your load right now. I am sure Dan is so proud of you.

Mike

Karen,

After she retired my wife often helped with the local food pantry. I have thought about becoming involved with it, too, if I ever get to retire. I can't think of a better way to help people. Thanks for sharing this with us.

Mike

That is a beautiful dream, Marsha. I have had a few vivid dreams about my wife, but they are occurring less frequently and she only makes "cameo" appearances. One night last week I dreamed she was lying close to me and I had my hand on the side of her face.

Pat, you are so right - I miss the simple things the most.

Mike