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From Large Family But Feel So Alone.

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I have been reading a lot of the post here and none seem to fit what I am going through so thought I would add my problem to the list.

First let me say I lost my father 15 years ago and my mom this past March, after several years of being sick. She had cancer about 12 years ago and it took her bladder and 1 kidney. I told her for years that if something ever happened to her I would be all alone. She would always say "Paula you are being silly, you have a big family and your sisters will treat you right".

I am 42 and the youngest of 13 children and only 1 sister talks to me. I don't live close to my family, I moved about 6 years ago. I live about 3 hours from them and they have treated my like scum every since I moved. I was always the one that took care of mom and did everything for her. After I moved they had to step-up and take my place and it seem as though they have hated me ever-since.

In the 6 years that I have been gone only this last time have they called me when she got sick and let me know. Normally I would call to talk to her and she wouldn't answer and I would than call the hospital to find out that she had been there for 2 or 3 days. This last time they did call and tell me that she was there and what was going on. I said I will be there as soon as I can. My sister that called than tried to play it off that it was ok and that there was no rush. Regardless, I went to work talked to my boss and left right there and than.

When I got there it was worse than what she had told me. My mom was not eating or drinking and her kidneys were working at less than 3%. The first night I didn't stay at the hospital, I was basicly told I wasn't wanted there. But the next night I said I wanted to stay with her and it seemed like I made everyone there mad. They all got up and left crying and wouldn't talk to me. I spent the night with her and I am glad I did. It was her last night here with us. It was hard, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. To sit there and hold her hand talk with her about her wishes for me and tell her that I love her for the last time ever. She had a very peaceful night but the morning was alittle rough for her, she was uncomfortable and restless. I was talking to her and holding her hand trying to calm her. She looked up and me and said I am tired I can't do this any more, raised her hand to the sky and said God take me home I can't do this anymore. A few minutes later she was home where she had ask to be.

As for her wish for me, she had ask me for the past year to come home. It was the last thing we talked about. She asked me to come home one last time and I told her I would think about it and she said think really hard because it is important to me that you come home. I told her I would do anything for her she wanted. That was how it was left and so here I am posting here to get advice.

I feel in my heart that I need to do as she asked. But, I am getting vibes from family members that I shouldn't. I have been told "why bother now she is dead, like she cares now" "Why come now, this town wasn't good enough for you for the past 6 years why now" and so on. (they are such a loving kind family...)

As I said before, I have one sister that does talk to me and we have always been pretty close. When she had kids, I helped her with them and than when I had kids she helped me with mine. We have always been there to help each other out. She has offered to help me move back, she has offered to pay for everything to make mom's last wish come true.

I just don't know what to do or where to go at this point. I want to, to be close to her and do as my mom ask of me. But on the other hand I don't want to deal with the others.

Which brings up a whole other thing, my kids... I divorced there father 6 years ago and he has told them that if they move back with me he will never see them again. They don't seem to mind they are excited at the thought of going home. But is it fair to them to not ever see there dad again? (his choice not theirs). His new wife has also told them the same thing and told them that she hopes that they do move so she never has to see them again. As for him and her that is a whole story within its self... I will share that some other day.

If anyone out there can help... PLEASE help me with this... I am so confused right now.


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Wow, that is a lot to handle. I am so glad that you got to spend the last moments with your mother. You will always have that, something (I assume, since you said they all left) the others will never have.

If you don't mind me asking, why did your mother want you to come home? I'm sure she wanted you close by, but was there another reason? If it was for her sake only, then I would say that you should do whatever you are comfortable doing at this time. It would seem that being near the sister that you are close to would be very comforting, but dealing with the others would be hard on you. It is a very hard decision to make, I know. The only advice I can give is what I just said....do what is best for YOU (and your children).

Good luck with the whole situation,


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Thanks for the reply. :D She just always said I need to come home and been with the family. She never said she wanted it just for her but for the family. The one sister I do talk to, her and mom had been talking about this for the last several months. I know at Christmas, she told me that she (my mom) and my sister had talked about it and that my sister was putting back money to help us.

As for the rest of them I don't think I would ever hear from or see them. When I did live there I seen them maybe 1 or 2 times a year and that was because I ran into them at mom's house. They never came to see me or even called me when I lived there. So I don't think they will be a problem.

My heart says I should go, I know she isn't there now. But I know she is watching and that she knows where I am and what I am doing. Does that sound silly?

As far as the kids go, like I said before... their father and his wife are a whole different story. He only sees them when he thinks it bothers me and the rest of the time he don't care. He only does what he feels bothers me or upsets me. Not realizing that it doesn't matter to me at all. It matters to the kids. He hurts them not me. I get upset seeing them being hurt, no parent wants to see their child hurt. I have tried to tell him that he doesn't bother me no matter what he does, it is the kids that he is hurting and he laughs and says, "right so that is why you are complaining about it". I complain on behalf of the kids. But I have stopped that, the 2 that are with me still are 14 and 15 so I have talked with them about it and I now leave it up to them to tell him how he makes them feel. But then we get the... sounds like something your mom would put you up to saying.

Right now he isn't seeing them, because of a support issue. Him and his wife have decided that they shouldn't have to pay support for kids that don't live with them. They filed against me to stop support and to go back to 2004 on my wages and try to get me to pay him back what he shouldn't have paid (which I owe him nothing) plus he want me to show how much I got out of my mothers estate (which was 2 birds). I counter-filed and asked for his income since 2004 from both of his jobs. He makes more now (double) than he did when the support order was placed. So since I filed they want nothing to do with the kids.

Sorry about the long story about their father, I know this is about lossing someone but it all fell at about the same time. My mother passed and he filed a week later. He was hoping I was weak and wouldn't fight back. I have had a bad year so far... First of the year I had a mild stroke than my mother and now him. Once again sorry about all the going on about him... It is just part of what I am having to deal with along with grieving for my mother.

Thanks so much for listening to me and letting me get it all out.

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Don't ever apologize for "going on", that's what this board is for. I am glad you told me about all this, because it makes me understand your situation better. Thanks.

Talk about kicking you when your down! Aren't exs great? It sounds like going back home, at least to me, would be the best thing in the world for you. And your kids! You'd have the support of your sister, luckily not be bothered by the rest of the clan, and leave your weasel ex and his wife behind, hopefully never to be seen again!

Good luck with all the legal stuff. I hope he has to pay!

Hang in there,


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Thanks Shell;

It helps to get things out sometimes... My husband and I have talked bout it and he seems ok with it. The kids love the idea. They miss not having family around and are looking forward to it.

Their father wants them this weekend because it is mother's day and he wants them there for his wife... that is the way it has been since he has been married. He always wants them on mother's day for her so that she can feel like she is their mom. The kids said they don't feel right about going this year. For one they haven't spent the day with me for the past 6 years and plus this is my first mother's day without my mom.

Thanks again for letting me ramble.

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Wow, your ex is something else! And I thought mine (only two of them!) were bad. I'd tell him h*ll no! It's YOUR day! But sometimes you have to handle things the way you know they will cause the least trouble.

Keep coming here to rant. Good luck.


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Hi Shell;

I try do handle things the best I can when it comes to him, just not sure how to anymore. He has been such a jerk since he got with this woman. The kids are 14 and 15 so I try to let them have the say so when it comes to their dad. But I do step in if I feel that something isn't right.

At the first of the week the kids said they felt that they needed to be here this weekend, and I came home from work yesterday and they were making plans to go see him this weekend. Plus my husband has to work all weekend. I had told them to start with that I didn't care but then I got to thinking about it and I stated getting sad. I realized that I was going to be here all alone on mother's day. It started to freak me out a bit.

It is still bothering me a little... it is 4:30am and I am sitting here writing to you. So I guess this isn't to good is it?

Mother's Day all alone, no kids to love on, no husband to wait on me and no mom to call and talk to. I am all messed up in the head right now thinking about it. My first mother's day without my mom... I don't know how I am going to handle it. If this is any sign of how I am going to do it, I don't think it is going to go well. I would ask to work that day myself, but I figure everyone coming in the store talking about doing things with their mom's would just make it worse. Why be upset at work and crying when I can do that at home.

I am going to stop here, I am sure I will be back to write more as it hits me.

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