Ways to be with my partner as I go through all this pain

[happytreesloth]

Hi Everyone, I am new here. I lost my Dad suddenly in September and I feel the shock is fading. Just raw pain.  I also lost my cat, Coco later in September. I have dealt with alot of grief but this is my closest death. I knew Coco was sick, very afraid of losing her but I had no idea I was going to lose my Dad. I thought 20 years at least. A possibility of 40 years more with him. I am shattered. 

I prayed in August that my ma who I am estranged from lives a long life and my Dad as well. They were newly divorced. I was celebrating while also mourning that version of family will never be. I am close with my Dad tho we have a complex relationship and we were working on it. We had big big plans together. I asked the universe if I could just cruise for a bit, give me moment to breathe. And please give my parents a good new life and long. I couldn't even bear my ma going. So just give them a long good life. Mental health, family situations, abuse, and financial situations, moving over and over, being uprooted-exhausting. Finally, even tho I don't speak with my ma or her side of the family, even tho life has been a roller coaster, even tho I need to find a therapist and have issues I felt some peace. I told my body to trust life again.

Of course-around a month later life went differently. My Dad passed 30 minutes after texting me. Suddenly in a grocery parking lot. The strongest man and sometimes shortest man most of his friends knew. A bull of a man.  I didn't even get to see him have his wrinkles yet. And now here I am. I need (please) advice for myself but also how to balance a relationship. I really love my partner. My Dad adored them as well, tho he tried to act tough. They were amazing together. Like someone understood my Dad and his stubborn ways? Could party and hang out at my Dad's level? Nerd out? Talk about serious stuff and not have to agree about everything? Get along with my Dad's friends? They were the match made in heaven in father and son in law duo. Thank goodness. It gave me so much peace. So I know my partner is mourning my Dad, Coco, coping with the loss of family members in the past still, and their career. It is alot. They are doing there best. 

We had some issues of just learning to live with eachother (one year this November) dealing with mental health issues and money being being tight issues. I sometimes dont listen. I can be very nit picky. They have adhd. I am in the process of being diagnosed with autism. Still learning the verbiage but it can be intense. I love them, they love me. They have been helpful in cooking me eggs in the morning cuz eating has been hard and buying food. Our place needs some cleaning but they need to focus on career, un winding, and they are exhausted after work and I can barely get up. I have been able to work some wedding events. Rent is paid. 

I guess I am asking any advice how to still keep my relationship. I don't have a lot of capacity but I am trying. I swear two weeks ago I thought I couldn't handle a relationship and this mourning. Also probably a day ago. I was like f$$k everything. I think with acknowledging them and just not screaming at them they will be okay. I helped with reading lines with them yesterday night(he is an actor) and today we talked about the comics they are reading. I feel like I am in a maze of pain. And I told them I am grateful for them, I find joy being with them but it feels suffocated with pain. I know this will take a while and they understand. Super understanding. I just want us to survive this. And create some type of joyful moments. My Dad loved both of us and would want us to thrive-together, separate whatever. Just happy. He always said we are going to win. He always said that to my partner. The last movie we saw together (August 26th) my Dad talked to my partner about figuring out the specific dates to fly out to Thailand together. I was gonna take classes, my brother who I didn't see for 11 years was coming to train in Martial arts, my Dad was getting his teaching certification for his massage therapy  (he did it for 30 years). And train with my brother. I was going to take some of my gemology courses and my Dad wanted me to just rest. My Dad was paying for my partner come out too. He planned this for 2 years. He told my partner that we were winning now. 

Now I am so shattered and trying to piece together life. I am grateful for food, a safe place, my partner. But also in somuch pain and want to be able to not take it out on them.

This was so long. Thank you for reading.