I Don't Know If This Is Right,feel Very Insecure

[Gillian]

hello.My name is Gillian.I lost my great aunt to cancer in April 2006.She dies 35 days after being told nothing could be done for(except to make her comfortable).I live in the Netherlands and the rest of my family live in the UK.I married a Dutchman and we have a 2 year old son.My aunt had a neighbout whom I shall call Dior.they were very good friends.My aunt was ill for a year before the diagnosis came(by which time it was too late)and in that year,Dior was agood friend to her.I was with my aunt(Jenny)the day she got the bad news.She was so shocked (I think I saw it coming)and didnt wish to go staight home.we stayed together talking it through for 2 hours.She was very worried about her husbands reaction(Seth).She also spoke about other family members.She told me also that Dior would react badly.That is all she said about her neighbour.She asked me to help her tell Seth the news which I did.He reacted in a strong but contained way.Later,I heard he began to drink a lot and couldnt face my aunt on occasion,not going into her room for days(when she was bed-ridden).I do not balme him for this.I said goodbye to my aunt a week later as \I had to return to my husband in Holland.I didnt want to laeve her,I knew I wouldnt see her again and once in the Netherlands i began to kind of grieve.

I then got a call from dad.We all talked a lot on the phone throughout this(still do....I have a wonderful family).He told me there had been some trouble with Dior.She had suddenly stopped talking with the family.She was going into my aunts late at night and that unbelievably she and her husband had had a "partyïn my aunts house with my uncle.My aunt Jenny said that "they had quite a party here last night.they didnt even come in to see me but kept me awake,being noisy and drunk).she told this to my aunt May and my mum the following day.Jenny was very distressed. Dior came in the next day whilst may was ther.She sat with Jenny but ignored may.Jenny looked up at may upset and in pain and said to her...look after Seth.She brushed Diors arm away and turned her head away from Dior.Two days later she lost conciousness for good and that was it.I was again called by dad who told me to come over asap.I arrived on the wednesday lunchtime but she had died early that morning so i missed her.

I went directly to my uncle.He was deep in distress.he kept telling me tehre had been trouble but that Dior was like a daughter to him and he wanted her to arrange the funeral and to travel in the family funeral car with him.This seemed strage at the least,unpalatable at the most but I felt it was his decsion.However when he was somewhat calmer he told me that it would not be the done thing for Dior to do these things and taht the family would be upset. I asked him what he wanted to do and he told me that he and the family should arrange the funeral but that Dior had already arranged the wake.I was shocked at this and later found out that this had been agreed to the night of the party without my aunts consent.

Prior to this he had fallen out with May and Peg as they had both asked Dior to back away and let the family just be together.He had fallen out with mum because he told her,Dior hates you and I don't want you here.He knew though that Jenny wanted my mum there each day.before all this we were a close knit family and there was no animosity between us.

The family all came to my uncle the same day.We ironed everything out,people cried and began to grieve.seth stated that janny ahd wanted no flowers at the funeral only one spray on the coffin but nothing else.We all agreed to this.

The next day i went back to seth at his request so i could help with arrangements.He told me that he had changed his mind about the flowers but then began to cry.After some time he told me that after the family had all left,Dior had come over asking what the arrangements would be.She had disagreed with them and told him that she wanted to send flowers.He felt he said,that he couldnt say no to her.I then intervened gently,offering to meet Dior and himself to ask her to back off.I did so that evening.She was threatened by me(I have met her many times before and always thought she was OK)and I by her.I found her aggressive in her approach to me.When I asked her to please back off and give the family some room she started to abuse my mum and Peg and May.I was shocked.However she did back off.

The funeral was OK but I felt my thoughts and feelings taken up with Dior.She was very theatrical at the funeral.She was abusive to mum,telling her to .... off and acted as though she was afraid of me,backing away when I approached her to ask how she was.All this was done when Seth was not there.As soon as he came near her she was nice to us.

Since then she has systematically isolated Seth from his family.My mum was banned from his house because (according to Seth)she enjoyed watching Jenny die.He has refused all help from my dad.He will not see Peg (she can only visit at weekends but he told her that he sees Dior at weekends so peg needn't bother).My cousin and I are allowed to visit(we were not involved with the trouble nor caring for Jenny as we both live so far away) but not on wednesdays or weekends because he wants to see Dior.Dior now has a key to Seths house(which he shared for 40 years with jenny).All family photos have been removed from the walls and have been replaced by photos of my aunt and Dior.We found the family pictures in the bottom of a drawer.Seth will not let us discuss Dior or her behaviour at all.

I cannot grieve for Jenny properly.I am so angry with Seth letting this happen ythough I see he si grieving he is hurting all of us.My parents are distraught and hurting badly and I have to stand by.I really HATE Dior.I have never hated anyone before and its eating me up.Does anyone have any help,comfort or opinions about this.

Gillian

[Gillian]

Its not really a new topic.Its just the one thats going on and on.There seems to be no end to the hurt.yesterday,after posting the whole sordid tale(it makes me feel ashamed that this is happening to me,that I can't remember Jenny,that I can't grieve)I actually could look at her picture.I did cry a little.Its almost like she is not gone,but not in a nice way,just that there is an emptyness that I don't know what to do with.I want to ask her how to do this,how to cope with the family.Everyone else has cut my uncle off because he is hurting them so much.I don't want to walk away from him.He is still my uncle but I am so angry that he has abandoned us.I need to be where Jennys place is,near her things,her clothes and her husband.He cannot deal with that and he pushes us away.Jenny was the glue that held us together and now we have fallen apart.

[shell]

Gillian,

I am so sorry about your loss and that you are having to go through all these difficulties. Losing someone you love so much, and the grieving process that follows, is hard enough without the trouble your uncle is causing! I think the only solution is to just leave him alone. He seems to be being controlled by Dior (isn't that what you called the neighbor? I had to read all your posts to catch up on your story) and I'm afraid there's probably nothing you can do about it. I hope that in time he will see what she has done to him (isolating him from his family and causing all this pain) and wise up, but in the meantime, he seems dead set on hanging onto her!

You need to grieve for your Aunt and take care of yourself and your family. You may have to do like the rest of the family and stay away from him for now. Could you ask him if you could have something of your Aunts to remember her by and help you feel closer to her? Do you think he would agree to that? If so, take what you can, so to speak, so that you can have some comfort and then leave him to his own devices.

I hope it all gets better for you and that he will someday "see the light" and want to reconnect with his family. It's so rough to have to have added problems and hurts added to your grief. Good luck with it.

A big hug to you,

Shell

[Gillian]

Dear Shell.Thanks for the reply.i feel so much better for it.It made me cry with relief.I think you're right that I should walk away,though it feels like Im walking away from Jenny too.He probably won't give me anything but I will ask him again.Im off to the UK for a month and had already decided to see him.I wasn't sure how to approach it.I don't want to give him my anger and say something I will regret in the future and I don't want to dishonour Jenny in doing so.Maybe I just say that I can't handle it and that I'm staying away for a while.That when he wants me,he can always call or write.

Thanks again for your help.The hug comes back to you.

Gillian

[shell]

Gillian,

I think your ideas about what to tell him are right on the mark! I wish you the best of luck. Going off for a month should help too, to give you some distance and time to think and deal with your own feelings. We all need that. Oh, and I think your Aunt would understand and approve of any decision you make!

Safe trip and a big hug,

Shell

Edited December 5, 2006 by shell