I Dont Even Know.......

[OreosMommy]

Hi everyone

Does anyone want to post but find they can't because their pain is so great and they are so exhausted it's impossible to hardly put two words together?? I read the grief boards here almost every day, but posting is so difficult. Maybe subconsciously I'm trying to deny what has happened - I'm just angry, lonely, tired, and I keep thinking "OK, I've had enough now - time to bring back my baby, and wake me up from this hellish NIGHTMARE!" It's been about 3 months - Oct. 13 - for me......I THOUGHT I was doing better......but since around the 15th of December, I've been WORSE - and believe me, I didn't think that was possible - I pretty much had a nervous breakdown from Oct. 13 to the beginning of Dec.

I am desperatly scared and desperatly missing my Oreo love - my best friend - my sig. other - my mother - my baby - my soulmate - my comfort and support.............

Why???????????????!!!!!!!!!!

OreosMommy

[Maylissa]

Hi OreosMommy,

Good to 'see' you back again...I'd kind of wondered where you'd gone, so I'm glad you explained your absence.

As to your questions, yes, I understand that. Despite my fairly regular posts, there have been times when I've just not had the 'heart' to post about everything going on with me...and then when I do, look OUT! cuz it's all been bottled-up for longer than I'd wanted! At times I've simply made myself respond to someone else just because I don't want others to feel like no one cares. Sometimes that breaks the stranglehold the utter exhaustion has had on me, and I then can talk about the stuffed stuff...other times, no.

Your thought...

and I keep thinking "OK, I've had enough now - time to bring back my baby, and wake me up from this hellish NIGHTMARE!"

...is one I've had myself MANY times. I hate those, because there's NO relief, no wish-come-true to stop it from torturing my head and heart. I empathize deeply with this one!

I, too, thought I'd been 'progressing' through my grief fairly well, despite all the pain. But now I find, like you, since before the holidays, that my pain has only gotten worse and worse and there now doesn't seem to be one lousy moment out of any day where my heart isn't aching deeply about Nissa, the future w/o her, etc. I'm so glad you've had the courage to share how you're doing here, because even though I've been through this before and know it isn't 'wrong' to backslide, or even worsen for an undetermined amount of time, when everyone else seems to be mainly progressing, it starts to feel very frightening, depressing and lonelier when you aren't doing the same. It can even bring up some (false) shame (that doesn't FEEL false!), as if there must be something 'wrong' with you because you're lagging behind other people. And even if I'm able to remind myself of all those who've also taken a long time to improve, if they don't happen to be writing about their struggles at the same time I'm struggling...it's as if they don't exist, and I'm the ONLY one who's having such a hard time. So I'm 'glad' for your company in feeling this way! (and btw, it's approaching 5 months for me soon, so don't feel you're alone!)

It's also apparent that Oreo filled so many roles in your life (much like both of my kidlets did, especially Sabin), so to be suffering such heart-wrenching pain over Oreo's absence...well, it's just simply very understandable!

I'm wondering though...do you know what, more precisely, it IS that you're so scared about? I know for me, one of the largest parts of my fear has to do with not believing I'll EVER now be able to really be happy in my life, ever again...not w/o my precious girl AND guy. I just can't even wrap my head around the fact that they're BOTH gone now...and there's no turning back the hands of time on earth. It stuns me to the core every time I think about it and I break out in a cold sweat. I hope you'll be more able to post more, as I could sure use the company of someone who's in the same place! I'm sorry, though, that you're finding this about as hard as I am...

Edited January 8, 2007 by Maylissa