My Sister Died

[luvcrissangel]

My sister died from cancer, and I never had the chance to say good bye because I had no way of getting to see her. Yesterday my dad said it was my fault that she died because she was dissapointed that I didnt come see her. I never knew how sick she really was and now I feel even worse for letting her down and everyone else. I am a single parent 36 years old but I feel so alone. I thought I could talk to my parents but they seem to blame me.

[Steven]

It sounds as if your father has some issues of his own that he is taking out (brutally) on you. I sure hope his response reflects an inability to deal with a terrible loss rather than being indicative of how he treats you in general. Reading messages on the board lately, it's quite clear that a number of us have had bad experiences with people we would normally trust for support, and hearing harmful, untrue words like that is the last thing anyone dealing with the death of someone they love needs. Sometimes, people are just reactive and don't think before they speak--their words reflect their own pain rather than their true feelings about an event.

I recently had someone say something rotten like that to me. Instead of reacting in kind (like I used to before Tanya civilized me), I repeated in question form what she had just said. Using your experience; "Do I understand you clearly about my sister's cancer? You think I'M responsible for the death of my sister?" It shocks someone who isn't thinking about the damage or hurt they could be inflicting, and forces them to face the insensitivity of their own words. Of course, this technique is useless when dealing with insensitive, confrontational types. You mentioned that your father accused you, then wrote, "I thought I could talk to my parents but they seem to blame me." Is this because your mother didn't defend you, because dad dominates her, or some other reason? Is it possible that your mother is still good to talk with, but away from the negativity and anger your father is displaying?

I hope so, magic fan, but if not you can always come here for some lousy advice from me, or good input from the others.

[luvcrissangel]

Hi Stephen,

I really want to thank you for replying to my letter. Unfortunately I have always been seen as the bad kid in our family, my father truly meant what he said, although I do believe it has alot to do with his greif. My mother did not stick up for me, she didnt say anything. I did actually say to him is this what you really think? He said yes its what he thinks, he blames me Its just so sad because we have a really small nuclear family, just my parents, myself, my brother, and I have two daughters. My brother was estranged from the family for six years, only came back in when he realized our sister was dying. Now none of us really speak to one another and its hurtful to me and especially my daughters. My sister and I were extremely close and she was the only one I could turn to, now thats gone.

I just really needed to talk to someone about this, as I now know that its no use talking to my dad, my mom is a bit better but I sense that she is disssapointed in me as well. I was unable to see my sister near the end because she was staying with them and they live far from me and I dont have a vehicle. I feel so guilty about this, so ashamed. So I thank you for your kind words.

Thanks,

Adrienne

[waabzy]

Oh hon please do not feel guilty. Your sister passed away when her work here was done and it had nothing to do with the fact you never got to go see her to say goodbye. She knows you loved her.

Why your father would say such a brutal hurtful thing to you is beyond me! Don't believe it!

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Take care

Amber

My sister died from cancer, and I never had the chance to say good bye because I had no way of getting to see her. Yesterday my dad said it was my fault that she died because she was dissapointed that I didnt come see her. I never knew how sick she really was and now I feel even worse for letting her down and everyone else. I am a single parent 36 years old but I feel so alone. I thought I could talk to my parents but they seem to blame me.