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'good' Memories


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Long-time member, Walt C, had just written about another excerpt from Martha Hickman's book, Healing After Loss (in the Loss of Spouse forum):

She writes:

“Though we mourn the passing of that loved one, think of how much poorer our lives would have been had we not inhabited the world together! While we hope for a continuation of life together beyond death, it is no small thing to have known and cherished one another in this spectacular setting – life.”


“I am grateful from the core of my being for the life I have shared with my loved one”

While we cannot change the past, we can recall good memories and enjoy the present knowing that our loved ones want us to be happy until we meet again.

There have been times during some of my losses where I couldn't agree with Martha's statement whatsoever, truly feeling that it would have been SO much easier had I never even had those individuals in my life. The greater the sorrow over any loss, the more I felt that way, never greater than when I lost my boy, my beloved Sabin. The only pause I sometimes felt was to wonder how I ever would have gotten through certain things without him in my life. That was the beginning of eventually coming to agree with Martha's words.....although that took an awfully long time to arrive. But now I know those words ring true.....eventually, after the pain subsides enough to allow for that feeling-truth to emerge.

These emotional inroads have allowed me to carry this knowledge forward with the loss of my girl, Nissa, so that I've never NOT been grateful for her presence in my life, even when grief was at its freshest........BUT, I still cannot "recall good memories and enjoy the present....", as Walt has grown to accommodate for, 26 months into his journey. At present (10 months in 3 days), it feels like there are no "good" memories, as even the recollection of happier (ie. less stressful &/or painful times) moments mostly if not fully cause me nothing but anguish, so there is little differentiation between 'good' memories and 'bad' ones. They're ALL simply painful in some way, no matter the classification......because all they really are, are memories. They are all I have left, and as that oft-used obituary poem goes....

"I never wanted memories,

I only wanted you."

.....except that I always only wanted BOTH, concurrently, and was always aware of that desire!

I'm a total mess lately and it's making me think that maybe I shouldn't have forced myself into so much effort in 'getting through' my grief. Maybe I just should have done what I've always done before, and just sat and grieved and become virtually useless for as long as it took, because this spring (and soon officially summer) finds me taking nothing but steps backwards, with nothing but anguish buried withing those memories of 19 summers past. :(:(


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