Oct. 23rd - My Girl's 14 Month Anniversary

[Maylissa]

Last Sunday and Monday was spent doing some major pruning of our largest trees in the yard. I'd planted them (along with tons of other things), 16 years ago, so my kids could have good trees to climb, shade to lay in and to draw in the birdies for their amusement. Our yard, or more correctly, THEIR yard, was conceived as a life enrichment zone for them, and me too, but especially in regard to how happy and content it made THEM. I'd felt incredibly guilty when we first arrived here about having torn them away from our first (fairly mature) yard, when this one had almost nothing in it. It [attachmentid=177]became a very speedy labour of love to try and recreate and eventually also improve upon what they'd first known in their first 4 years of life, but I was determined to provide it for them. And so I did. And then we'd laugh so wryly on all those occasions where they'd LEAVE their finally-glorious yard in that elusive feline search for greener pastures (yes, with us right with them) in the wilder spaces I'd convinced the town to leave uncultivated for environmental & personal reasons. But that's another story....

They loved those trees and climbed them often, using them as perches for viewing their surroundings, the neighbourhood, and the birds and squirrels who'd become as much a part of our daily life as the yard itself. Sometimes Sabin in particular would also try to use them as an easy (so he thought!) means to get to our 2nd story roof!....with Mom down below, anxiously trying to convince him to STOP(!!) climbing so far out on too-spindly branches, before we'd have to rescue him! Nissa, thankfully, was less reckless and was more inclined to use more sensible branches to get to the top fence rail instead.....which THEN could be used to get to the roof!

Anyway, the yard had become quite shady as these trees grew older, and it was bad enough that I'd often look at them and feel pangs of sorrow that Sabin never got to stay long enough to finally be able to climb them directly to the roof, which he could have in the last few years. Bad enough. But now....now I don't have to consider either of their needs and desires, and that alone kills me inside. It's too alien a feeling and I hate only having myself to think of. All those years, I willingly gave up MY desire for sun-worship, just to keep them happiest, and that's how I wanted it. They always came first in my heart. But this last summer, I found I was longing for more sun, to stave off the depression as much as anything else. And so, that meant we'd have to prune, and quite heavily.

So that's just what we did over the last few days, in preparation for next summer. And yesterday it was my darling girl's 14 Month Anniversary. I'd hoped to at least be able to go outside and sit in that sunshine, as I tried to contend with yet another whole month that's gone by without my girl still here, and to try to stave off the sinking feeling such change brings with it. The forecast was for warmth, and sun. But there was nothing but clouds, a stupid Chinook arch in the sky that wouldn't budge, and a cool wind......it seemed a cruel joke to play on me that day.

And so I just kept looking at those trees, now so devoid of many branches and even some of the best climbing and perching trunks, the ones that my kids grew up spending so much time with. It's all wrong! The yard's not the same now, suddenly.....just like my life STILL feels like without my girl. It still feels sudden, and shocking, and of course, heart-breaking. I still sit and wonder how could this BE?!?! How can my gal not BE here, beside me, loving me, letting me love her.......??? I was cold, and my Sweetie-Pie wasn't here to cuddle up with under a blankie, to keep each other warm and cozy. I just sat and cried, wanting my girl back, wanting to feel normal, wanting to not ever have had the option of cutting those trees back. I feel like a traitor. I got rid of a part of them, their lives here, our shared history. And yet many women who've lost their human kids don't even move a THING in their children's rooms for YEARS after their deaths. Another Fall without my girl is bad enough, but here I've gone and made another major CHANGE. I HATE how life is just moving on, so fast, before I'm ready for the clock to tick even one second ahead. How can it be 14 months already???? How can my darling girl just be gone??!! Wasn't it just a few weeks ago when I last held her, when we had a normal, everyday (but always priceless) conversation with each other? Wasn't it just yesterday when I planted all those kisses upon her cheeks, head, neck, her tumble of toesies, tail, tummy???

The neighbour's cat, came by that morning, as usual. Spent some time in Nissa's window-seat upstairs, looking cuddly and relaxed. But didn't want me to touch her and swatted at my hands with her long claws that are never trimmed for her safety OR other's. Sprawled on the floor, tummy upwards, as if she'd like a tummy-rub.....but still wouldn't allow me the pleasure of giving/getting. There are only certain ways yet to pat her, period. Not like my girl......not at ALL! It only made my heart yearn that much more for some NORMALCY, for that boundary-less LOVE that Nissa and I shared! It only made matters worse. Felt just like that endless gap, the one where I can only THINK about my girl, but never touch her now, never hear her, nor smell her, nor do any of the countless things I always did for her. Life is so empty without her huge presence, in her tiny bundle of a package.

Another repulsive 23rd....and it was just me and the memories of my darling daughter, and all the tears that come with them. Memories that still bring me such pain, even the good ones.....such yearning, deep within my soul.

All this time.....I hate Time! It really should have the decency to stop! I want to be in the Timeless, the foreverafter with my girl, my guy, our love. I want to not have to just write about her, but continue to experience her! I want my girl back......please, oh please....I just want her back.