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One Step Forward - Three Steps Back

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Hi again,

This last week has been rough. Like Nettan, it's one of those ones where you just want to lay down and die because you are hurting so badly inside.

I made it through this week without going insane, so that is my one step forward.

I've been planning a trip to Europe with my daughter but no matter how much I look forward to the break and seeing family again, today the memories of the trip that my mom and I took makes my heart ache. I remember when we got on the train as part of our journey back home and my mom cried because she knew she wouldn't see her sisters again. It breaks my heart into pieces.

I've written my aunt a letter advising her that my daughter and I will be in Europe and if we may visit. I had some photos of my mom printed that I've enclosed but I've re-written the letter three times since the New Year. I will be sending it finally tomorrow. It was too painful to send information from her funeral previously so I included some of the information and a photo of her grave as well as a photo of the flowers that my aunt had sent money for. I don't want to upset my aunt but sometime things like this are important to loved ones. I think it's probably upsetting me more than it will upset her.

This week I have thought a lot also about how my mom was miserable in her marriage. How when I went out to her grave on her birthday I could see that no one else had visited that day except for my daughter and me. I would have thought that my stepfather would have visted, but clearly that did not happen. I knew my sister and brother visited earlier in the week. Being Valentines Day, they were spending time with their spouses. I just remember my mom telling me a few times that if she thought her life was miserable throughout the marriage he was making her death worse. I keep on thinking how many regrets she must have had while she was dying.

Although I see these as being three steps back, I suppose in some ways it is a step forwards because I can at least consider these things.

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You are absolutely right, that these are steps forward because you are thinking about things. When someone dies, I've found that a lot of things come to the surface and you start thinking about things you never did before. But it's another form of healing, in my opinion. We sort of review that persons life and our own. It is painful, but healing in it's own way.

I hope your trip goes well. It may not be as hard as you think, you may find some peace in visiting family. Good luck.



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