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I Need To Stop The Tears


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My Grandfather passed away last October. I thought I was doing better and I made it through the holidays mostly ok. (I only cried on my husband's shoulder 3 or 4 times)

A couple of weeks ago I was on line buying songs for my Ipod and I found an album that had the HMS Pinifore. My Grandfather had a record of it and would play it and we would march around the living room and sing along. Well the floodgates opened and ever since then, I cry now at the drop of a hat. If my attention wanders, I find myself thinking of him and I bawl. I have to wait for my husband to go to sleep before I go to bed so that I know I won't disturb him when I break down and cry. It isn't that I think he wouldn't be understanding, but I really should be over this by now he doesn't need to worry that his wife is headed for the psycho ward.

I keep thinking back to the day he passed now, I thought I could feel a pressure on the top of my head or my shoulder, as if someone were standing behind me an putting their hand there. I have never felt that before or since. I wanted to believe it was him somehow. I keep looking for some sign from him to know that he is there. (what it would be I don't know).

My friend wants me to speak to a psychologist, but I am afraid they are going to think I am crazy and do something drastic. It's also quite embarassing for me to discuss. It took me forever to just decide to post it here.

Well I will try to get some sleep, fortunately I have tomorrow off so it won't be so bad. Thanks all for listening.

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