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One Day Over The Rainbow!

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Sam is my best friend! He told me how it was no matter what! He was always straight forward with me! To me the sun rose and sat on him! Even though he was doing wrong, in my eyes he was perfect! We are only a year apart in age and we were so close like Bonnie and Clyde! We were partners in crime! I am having a lot of mixed feelings!

When I have a good day I feel guilty, for even smiling knowing what happened just 7 months ago! In the beginning I had more bad days than good and I couldnt even get what had happened out of my head! And this may sound weird but I was greatful for the times that I didnt think of my brother or what had happened to him! Just the whole accident crowded my head 24/7! I was totally numb to what was going on and I just couldnt process what had happened! 7 months later and here I am still numb and still confused and sometimes I even think that he is gonna call me! I listen for his ringer that I have on my phone! And sometimes when I see a blue pickup truck like his on the road I think just for a second, I gotta catch up to him! Then I snap back to this thing called reality and I almost get mad at myself for thinking those things! My world has turned upside down since he left us! I am definetly not my old self, and I am trying so hard to find that person I used to be! And the problem with that is, is he helped me be that person! He brought out the carefree, fun-loving person in me! I have an older sister but she lives in Colorado and we aren't very close! We maybe talk once every couple of months if that! She is 7 years older than me and it just kills me to think that the only person that got who I was is gone! The one person that protected his babysister so much! More than my dad did! I just thought that this would of brought my sister and I closer together. My brother and her didnt get a long at all! They butted heads ALL the time, he was upfront with her about his feelings and she didnt like that! So there was always this wall between them! I would always beg my brother to make amends just incase something ever happened to our fmaily! But he was stubborn and so was everyone else! I am just so alone without him! Him and I were really close and now I am here alone in Az, and I feel nobody gets me! Nobody gets my cooky, silly personality, or throws me around the dance floor like he did, or sticks up for me like he did, or says my name like he did! He would leave voice messages on my phone and say "Jessie Lou (but like it was one word) you are supposed to answer your phone for your brother, when I call,(and he would chuckle) call me back, love you bye!" A part of me just died that day! And now I dont know which way to turn, I am so lost and so numb! I am so in denial that he isnt comming back! Staring at pictures of him just seems so fake to me! I know that in my heart that he loves me and misses me like i miss and love him! But I know that we will be in heaven together one day and I am gonna jump and tackle him and just tell him how much Ive missed him! I cant wait to see his beautiful smile and I cant wait to hear him say my name the way that he does! One day over the rainbow!!!

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