My Little Angel

[datoout]

Hi,

I am new here & I finally find a place that I can share my grief and pain with. I lost my sweet little daughter in march 2007 she was 17 month old. Her 4 years old brother was taking a bath & playing she went to play with him & she fell in the bathtub and I couldn't rescue her I tried every thing I know and I started the CPR but there were no response then in the hospital they have told me the truth. She was very cute & clever girl. I am still in trauma. I feel pain and a lot of guilt, I hate everything and I don't want to live. My heart is empty. She was a wonderful short dream to me and every member in my family.

[STARKISS]

Dear Datoout,

I am so very sorry this has happen to you.. You must be totally messed up right now... I could not even imagine the guilt and saddness you are feeling right now... I will pray and ask God to give you the guidance and strength to carry on... I will also keep you in my prayers.... Shelley

[leeann]

((((Datoout))))

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your daughter. This must have been a nightmare experience for you and your family.

Yes, I imagine you are still feeling traumatized .. I think anyone would! And I imagine your feelings of guilt are overwhelming at times for you. Many of us have similiar feelings as well.

You say you don't want to live... the pain of loss can make one feel like it is too hard to go on. But we all must go on, even though 'now' is so painful. You have another lil one who needs & is counting on you too. As we also have other people counting on us as well.

So.. what to do?

We can share here. We can get some counselling. We can write out our feelings as express them in other creative ways. It is a hard.. a terribly hard walk. But.. we don't do it alone.

We have each other here and others.

We just need to take the time and emotions to process and heal our losses. And it takes time.. & patience mostly with ourselves and lots of it.

It takes literally learning to do life without that precious one by our sides. And that is very difficult for some of us. Some of us have sought help here of course and also with our Doctors and other professionals like counsellors and also in grief groups in our communities.

Everyone is different and will have different needs. But I have learned if I seek to fill those needs... instead of burying them or trying to ignore them.. I do much better.

Painful.. yes.. very.. but I have learned also.. I'm tougher than I thought. And I have also learned that I'm more vulnerable than I thought too. And I have limitations right now and perhaps forever. But I can still be here and do what I can and what I need & want to do... even though.. it hurts bad sometimes.

First, I learned to walk through the day in pain. I wasn't used to doing that. I had to learn that I can cry at the gas station and at the meat counter. And yeah.. I can wear sunglasses in January... to hide those swollen eyes.

But I can still get gasoline and I can still grocery shop.... in pain.

Do I want to?? No.. not all the time. But I learned to just keep putting one in front of the other..painfully.

"Don't think - just do"... was/is my mantra still sometimes.

We are ALL doing it somehow.

And we are all different.. so what works for one may not work for another.. but we just keep trying and sometimes we share what has worked for us here.

I have hope... much hope for the future.. I have to. I won't allow myself not to.

I have to be stubborn with me sometimes. And I force myself to do things... but I have hope.. that someday... it won't take such an extreme & supreme effort to do the small things sometimes. I have hope that better days are coming.

I look for things to be grateful for.. forcing myself to look at what I do indeed have and not focus entirely on what I have lost.

And... I try to just be brave.. and let the grief wash over me. And each time I do let that wave rush through me, I see I am still standing after it has passed and.. that gives me hope & the strength that I can take the next wave and the next one after that and ALL of them.

I have hope that not all days will be dark... there is light ahead of me.

(((((Datoout))))) You aren't alone. We're here and I'm sure you may even find some local help near you in a Chapter of Compassionate Friends.

Here's their website:

http://www.compassionatefriends.org/

(You can find a Chapter Locator on the left hand side of their homepage.)

I'm awfully sorry you have had to join us here... but I'm glad you found us.

leeann

[tina116]

So sorry.

[MariahC]

datoout,

I'm so very sorry for your loss. It is very difficult to deal with the trauma on your own. From your post, I gather that you haven't really been able to talk to anyone about your feelings of pain, loss and guilt. Not having anyone to talk to about it makes it harder to heal. I'm glad you've found this site.

Have you had any counselling? This could really help you as it will give you an outlet to express your feelings. In day-to-day life it can be difficult to find caring people who will let you express your true feelings and emotions. Some people are frightened by it, as they don't know what to say and because they know you, they don't like seeing you upset. With counselling, your feelings are not judged at all and because the counsellor is objective, you can express whatever you want.

It is difficult to carry on after suffering such a traumatic experience. As others have said, you do have to put one foot in front of the other and somehow make it through. Please don't try to do this on your own though. We are all here whenever you need to talk or need support.

(((Hugs))) M