Not Getting Any Better

[Guest Gamer205]

For those that haven't seen my orgional post here is my story:

http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?showtopic=458

Here I go again approaching 4 years since my best friend's death and I am finding that I haven't really got better,You would think I would have but the situwation is diffrent in me and my friend's case

You See as I have told some know on here and some do not but I am a special needs person and when I was born I was 3 months premature and had to have a surgery called a colostomy and was born on December 22nd 1982 I deal with depression and mood swings and also deal with ADHD.

I have mostly friends in my family my best friend that was outside family he was disabled too so We could relate to each other much more and We like I wrote in my orgional story we were like brothers,and I just can't seem to get over his loss or death,We both knew what it ment to not be able to do certin things like everybody else could and We were into the same kind of stuff,We were like real brothers.

Maybe there is something wrong with me I don't know but I just can't seem to move on,May 31st makes 4 years and its been very hard on me and I've never forgot him one time during the time that has gone by,I miss what I don't have the friendship the going over his house the talking all night on the phone I feel as if my world has just stopped over the last 4 years and I am just a diffrent person walking threw life,

I hope it makes sense to some I just can't seem to get passed it,I've thought at times that I was moveing on or that it was going to get better in time but I find it hasen't,I stay angry sometimes thinking on how his life was cut short in a car accident,he was not the driver he was with his mother and she was a very good driver she just turned thought all was clear but they was hit head on,she stayed in the hospital for over 3 months,couldn't even attend her own son's funeral,and he was killed instantly,

I've never been able to get passed the what if?

I'm just so sad about everything and even though it has been 4 years it dosen't really seem like it,I mean I was friends with him for over 10 years you can't erase that in just 4 years,

I feel at times that I have lossed myself.

Thank you for you all's support and I hope I haven't rambled too much.

Signed-Gamer205

Robert Fraley

[CFH]

Hi Robert,

I've experienced the loss of my mother, and she was truly like a best friend to me. I know exactly what you mean about not being able to get over the "what ifs". My mom's death was accidental as well, and I used to drive myself nuts going over all the different scenarios through which it may have been avoided. I think about those "what its" a lot less frequently these days, but they still pop up. I just try not to think about them these days, but honestly, I think I'm repressing a great deal of emotions regarding my situation, so this is probably not the most helpful advice. I just don't know how to deal with all the pain. You could always try talking to a counselor

or a phsychiatrist (sp). I spoke to a shrink for a few weeks shortly after my moms passing, but I stopped going because I didn't see the benefit. I was still in shock I think, because now I'm trying to get back in to see him. In retrospect it was quite beneficial.

[Guest Gamer205]

Thanks for your reply and I know what you mean when in your post you mentioned going threw anxiety,of corse I go threw it also due to my possible bi-polar which I am going to see my dr about that on the 28th,

I just can't seem to move on,

But heres wishing you the best and thanks for trying to be a help.

[Elizabeth A.]

Hi Robert,

I'm sorry you feel stuck. It seems that even though we don't feel we can move on from the point of loss, time charges forward. It's not that you need to "move on" so to speak. It's not like dead animal on the side of the road that you can choose to bury or not. (that was us two days ago, we buried it) That man was and still is your friend.

You gave part of yourself willingly and happily to him that made you new and better, for while you were giving part of yourself he too was giving part of himself to you. It made you both different than before unique, as you were better able to be yourself than before. Strange how people can help us to be better forms of ourselves, but trust me it's true.

So though you feel a pull to move on with your life, and put the past behind you, that is very difficult because the part of you that you gave to your friend is still there hurting. Rather like a hole ripped in your heart that no matter how hard you try you can't seem to fill back up.

I think of time like rows of legos. Each year is a row, with each new year stacked on top of last year. At the anniversary of your friend's death you are closer to that date than any other time of year. That pulls back all the memories making us see them fresh and painful. I know you have times when you do feel better and not so stuck, but this time - it's a special time, even if it is a very difficult time. Perhaps it will help you to reach in your heart and say thankyou to him for being your friend, for all that he did, the kind words he said. Perhaps you could make something for him to put your mind and your heart into.

Take Care of yourself.

[Guest Gamer205]

Thank You Elizabeth A For your reply and your careing,

Its just hard for me expecialy this time of year,Saturday makes 4 years since his death,and its very hard for me to move on,every May is hard for me its like it just keeps comming back the accident the moment I found out,still can remeber the exact time of his death,3:46pm Edt on May 31st 2004.

Thank you again Elizabeth A for replying and trying to help me feel better.

Signed-Gamer205

Robert Fraley

[Elizabeth A.]

Dates, it's funny even when we don't recall the exact date, it's like a wave that rushes (or creeps) at us with each new year. When we do know the exact date and time ahead it fills us with dread and sadness, both before, on and after that date.

I have one date in particular, that someone once teased me about saying "what are you going to do sit in the bathtub all day?" And each year that date comes to pass, I seriously consider staying in the bathtub all day. (oddly, I always picture myself in the tub without water fully dressed, with the curtain pulled closed) But then life steam rolls in grabs me and hauls me out of bed. I suppose being both wife and mother means I don't get that "stay in bed/tub" time. In a way that helps. Because it's really only in the quiet moments that the pain of the date sneaks up on me.

So tomorrow you will have a choice. Stay in bed, hide in the tub, or face the day. In the end no matter what you pick it's okay, because it's one day out of 365, it's your day to be sad and to mourn however you see fit. Is there a computer game you both enjoyed? Or a local park you visited together? Maybe you could do some of those things. And of course there's what I do. The same thing I would have done that day even if it wasn't a "marked" date. Maybe you could write your friend a letter, I have a journal full of letters that will never be sent, and I find that helps too.

[Guest Gamer205]

Thank You Very Much Elizabeth A that was very well and nicely put.

thank you again,That made me feel better in a way,

[Elizabeth A.]

I'm glad I could help even in some small way. How did your day go? And now that it's past again how are you feeling?

[Guest Gamer205]

I'm doing better now,thanks for asking,Its easier just to get past the day of it,

May is always hard for me,that may sound silly or weird but it seems its easier once that day the 31st passes,

but anway thanks for asking and thanks for helping with your advice.

Gamer205

Robert Fraley

[Elizabeth A.]

My tough season is Easter, and if I listed dates I'm sure you would understand, but it is what it is, somehow we have to find a way to dig down into ourselves looking and hopefully finding a way to move through the days.

I'm glad your feeling a bit better take care of yourself!