So Hard

[phantom]

Just want to say that reading all the posts here has helped me to some degree. My mother passed on 2/28/08. She was diagnosed with breast cancer in 1994 and it was in remission for 8 years. I really thought she had it beat. In 1992 it recurred. Ever since then it was a nightmare. Even though she was physically doing well for the next 5 years, she was depressed and I never knew what to say or what to do to try to make her feel better. In April 2007 she had trouble breathing and entered the hospital for a month. Was on a respirator, needed a pacemaker, developed a perforated ulcer, etc. Then her kidneys began failing and she started dialysis. She left the hospital in May 2007 and from there on it was dialysis every other day and multiple doctors appts. each week. Because all the cancer treatments had damaged her heart, she was soooo tired you would have to force her up to go to dialysis. I did everything I could to try to keep her safe. I would lay awake at night listening to hear if she got up because I was afraid she would fall. It was a year of worrying constantly. We didn't have the best relationship over the years, but I hope that she realized that my attention to her during the last year showed her how much I cared. After she passed, I seemed to be able to manage for the first few weeks. I think I came to terms that she was at peace now and was no longer suffering. After a few weeks though, I began to realize what her passing meant to me. She would no longer be there for me and I started to feel no longer safe. I think still living in the house is not helping as it is a constant reminder of her. The worst part I still am dealing with is the images of her the last two months of her life. Being bald from the chemotherapy, being so thin, starting to hallucinate, falling down, sitting at dialysis, etc. Whenever I picture those images I begin crying. Being at work during the week is easier to cope than being home on the weekend. I wish I had done things differently during the past 5 years in order to have had a better relationship with her, but I was so frightened of the cancer that I was almost paralyzed. I was afraid to talk to her about it as I thought it would upset her. When I would have to go on a business trip for a few days for work she would say "I'm going to miss you." Now I miss her so much. My brothers didn't offer too much help during the ordeal and now I have to deal with those feelings as well. I am thinking of going to a counselor as it seems to be getting worse instead of better. I think I need some medication. I would like to move on with my life, but it is so difficult. After focusing on someone else for so long, I don't know how to go back to focusing on myself. Sorry for rambling, but I just wonder what my life would have been like if cancer had not invaded my family. I know many other families have dealt with this and I give them all a lot of credit for getting through it.

[MariahC]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dear mother. Welcome to the site.

"We didn't have the best relationship over the years, but I hope that she realized that my attention to her during the last year showed her how much I cared".

I'm sure your mother knew how much you cared and loved her. You were there for her during very difficult times.

"After she passed, I seemed to be able to manage for the first few weeks. I think I came to terms that she was at peace now and was no longer suffering. After a few weeks though, I began to realize what her passing meant to me. She would no longer be there for me and I started to feel no longer safe".

In the first few weeks the feelings of numbness and shock are present. There's also so much to do and so much to organise during the early weeks. However, in time when we're not so busy and family and friends don't call around so much, the reality of what's happened can hit pretty hard.

I lost my dad to cancer in March this year. Even though we knew he was very ill, his passing came as a real shock to my brother and I. During the early weeks it was hard to take in what had happened. It was only really around 3 weeks in that it really hit me and that's when I found this wonderful site. The feelings you've described are totally normal. Not feeling safe any longer, I totally get that. I felt that too when the shock began to wear off. Parents are special, they make us feel safe no matter how old we are.

"I think still living in the house is not helping as it is a constant reminder of her".

It can make it more difficult living in the house that you shared with your mother because of the memories and the reminder of her absence. I know this from personal experience, as I still live in my dad's house. His clothes are still there and every so often, when sorting through things, I'll come across something of his which makes me burst into tears. Take it easy during the early months. It's not the best time to make big decisions in case you change your mind later - that's why I haven't moved out yet.

"The worst part I still am dealing with is the images of her the last two months of her life. Being bald from the chemotherapy, being so thin, starting to hallucinate, falling down, sitting at dialysis, etc. Whenever I picture those images I begin crying".

I know it's really difficult, but try to remember your mother during happy times. Like you've described, I also have upsetting memories of my dad when he was really ill unable to get out of his hospital bed. I've found that looking at photos from an earlier time, before he became ill has really helped. Over time, I believe that the memories you have of your mother when she was ill will fade and you'll find yourself being able to recall happier images of her. It's all still pretty raw for you at the moment, which is understandable.

"I wish I had done things differently during the past 5 years in order to have had a better relationship with her, but I was so frightened of the cancer that I was almost paralyzed".

I'm sure you did everything you could. From what you've said you were there for her and I know how terrifying it can be when a loved one has cancer. We all have regrets and wish we had done things differently, but we do what we can reasonably do for our loved ones. Deep down I believe that they know that we love them.

"My brothers didn't offer too much help during the ordeal and now I have to deal with those feelings as well. I am thinking of going to a counselor as it seems to be getting worse instead of better. I think I need some medication. I would like to move on with my life, but it is so difficult. After focusing on someone else for so long, I don't know how to go back to focusing on myself".

I highly recommend counselling. I've seen a bereavement counselor myself and it really helped me to be able to talk to someone about how I was feeling. I also went along to my family doctor on a few occasions. If you haven't seen your family doctor, then I'd recommend making an appointment to see him/her to discuss how you're feeling. This can really help and your doctor might be able to put you in touch with a counselor in your area. There's no shame in seeking help in terms of medication, but what I would say is be aware that the feelings you've described are totally normal for someone so recently bereaved. I haven't gone on anti-depressants because my doctor feels that my depression is a symptom of my bereavement and it isn't stopping me from doing day-to-day things. Your doctor can help to assess whether medication will be helpful for you or not.

It is difficult moving on with life when you've been a carer. It will take time. Don't rush yourself. I had a pampering day where I got my hair and nails done and had lunch with a friend which really helped. If you like reading, perhaps you could start with a good book or have lunch with a friend.

((hugs)) M.

[phantom]

Thanks Mariah for all the encouragement. Trying to cope as well as possible.