Nightmares

[rainbowbridge]

Dear Aleitia, I had another nightmare tonight. I was dreaming that i had actually flipped out and was outside digging up your grave, i was distraught and crying wildly as dirt flew from the hole. i knew i would find nothing but your remains but i wanted you back so bad i was hoping that you were still alive and it was just my imagination and you would somehow be okayand i could bring you back inside and clean you up and everything. Somehow i also knew you would be nothing but remains and the harder i cried and flung dirt it just wouldn't matter that you were gone from me forever.

I just can't wrap my brain around the fact that you will never be with me here again. I'm all alone no matter what happens and no one even knows that i long for you so much inside that i am willing to take any chance of being with you. All the see is me, not you and that is what hurts the most. It's like you were my identity here and know your not and i am just me -nothing. Why should it matter now how i want to get to you as long as i have myself back. I just cant understand why i cant be with you like we were. You were a legend in the family and they saw that i was someone with you, now they just see nothing but me--no one. I woke up in another panic attack and its just not easy trying to cope with this without you. Please i beg you let us be together again, i don't know if i can keep doing this on my own. I love you Aleutia, please help to be with you somehow. Christy