Mom Died In March, Dad On Christmas - Immobolized

[Temmie]

I'm sorry to delete all these posts. They've been, in essence, the only record of how raw I've felt through the various stages of accepting/processing death. However ... they are also too long ... and perhaps, too raw. I'm feeling this morning, like the loss of my dad was the very essence of losing the last one who truly loved me. Even though he could be so challenging. And as my mom was so caring ... in this week of being sick, I've thought often how in years past, she was "always at the ready" with good care during times of illness. It is hard to carry on. Caring for ourselves ... by ourselves ... but somehow we must. (edit 2/2/09)

[AnnieO]

Temmie,

I am so sorry for your loss. My parents died very close together and it was over-whelming.

I am sure I don't know the relationship you have with your siblings, but you mentioned they want you to hurry up and get this all done. Why are they not helping? You cannot possibly pack up a life time of things, by yourself. Especially in a few days. I know here, where I live, there are people that you can hire to come and help you organize and pack, but I would imagine this could be expensive. To expect you to get this done quickly, just 10 days after your father's death is too much to ask. You need to take care of yourself first. Keep posting.

[southern eagle]

Temmie,

You are not alone...I lost my Mom 10 years ago and Dad in November. It has been almost 2 months and this weekend we finally did a treasure hunt in Dad's home. I was afraid to do this and thanks to family and friends including this website, we made it fun. I too was immobilized for these past 2 months and have learned to take it one day at a time. Yes you are human and so are each one of us. The grief spurts, love that phrase are real and are fine in the process.

We found out together to understand that you can't keep everything and in these economic times, most of the boxes went to various charities. Thru the church, I found an elderly man that needed clothes and he got Dad's, after saving a few for myself and my husband, great to cuddle with a night and wear with pride on tough days at work.

Another young family who lost their home to fire over the holidays at the Salvation army got the furniture. They had come asking for help as we pulled up to make the donation and tears were shared by all. As Dad would say it is better to give then receive. A warm fuzzy that was sent as a sign.

When the siblings want things done in their time, take time for you. My family wanted it done yesterday and I have learned to share that we all need to talk and share and come to a common time line.

Accept that what you feel is normal, and learn that it is great to ask for help. Thanks to this website, there are alot of folks that I know that are gladly helping for all that I put on hold to pay it forward. Give and it will be given back to you 10 fold. Take a look at all the great advise that I got under the post My Dad. I am here for you and will help you in any way I can.

Patti

[Temmie]

Thank you, AnnieO ....

Relationship with siblings is complicated. I come from a loud, noisy, quarrelsome Irish-Catholic family. There were issues with alcoholism and other fracturous (sp?) items of abuse that aren't appropriate to go into here. I think everyone is thinking ... in some ill-guided sort of way ... whip/bang as soon as we can get that house "cleaned up," "closed-up" over with and done ... that the pain of losing our parents will in some way be dismissed? I cannot imagine. I don't really know, but I can only think -- the "hurry up," and "let's get things done," and get them done "now," and "as soon as possible" is not well-founded. And siblings are helping with issues of the "whole" house, but the matter of the "basement" (where all my mess is), is uniquely my own ... and sadly, I seem to come from a family that finds some measure of sport in picking at one another (instead of coming from a place of compassionate understanding).

Did I mention the abuse? :-)

Sorry ... it's not appropriate to smile here, but I'm kind of smiling through my tears.

Tomorrow, I will endeavor ... once again ... to stand up ... and to make some measure of moving a few things. Maybe I'll map out a schedule to complete my exit by 2/1.

I've asked my older sister (the executor) to give me some kind of time schedule. This is what we do as teachers. This is what we all do in the workplace, or whenever we map out a goal. We start with a plan. We articulate our ideas. We remap and revise. We talk with one another. We find a way to make it work.

In my family? There is rancor and fighting. So sorry to report, and to accent the "less than" positive. But so grateful to have found this place! Thank you for writing. I'm so VERY pleased to have found a place to write and dialogue about love and loss.

In the name ... and with the love ... of our loved ones.

Temmie

[Temmie]

Dear Patti ... dear Southern Eagle. How sad to read about your loss. Our situations are somewhat opposite (but parallel in that way). When I lost my mom in March, I was a basket-case. I slept on the floor beside her bed on the night that she died. Can you believe all my siblings had come and gone, and no one called me until 9 pm to tell me she was dying? Or that they would leave my mom alone on that last night? Dear God!

I'll write more about that in a different place, but just wanted to note that my grieving ... at that time ... was so much more acute. It was such a staggering, stammering loss ... I didn't wash my hair for 10 days, and could barely shuffle through my work in the classroom.

With my dad ... it is a situation with a different feel, but definitely one that signals the end of an era ... and the true measure of my solitude.

I'm taking great comfort in your words to "pay it forward," and will do more work tomorrow to release and let go. I've just got to throw a few loads in the car ... wipe clean a few shelves ... post notices for "freebies" on CraigsList (and make a spot on the floor of my current home to stack boxes of pictures and things I can't part with. I can do it.

I find such strength and comfort in your words ... and I'm so VERY pleased to have found this lovely place.

Bless you, dear. I'm off to bed ... to read ... and will read and write more tomorrow.

Blessings .... in our parents' names!

Temmie

[emptyinside]

I'm really sorry for your loss and that you have no help. I just wish you didn't have to deal with this all at once so quickly.