The Dismantling:

[Temmie]

The house is still coming apart ...

[leeann]

Yup it is broken and NO we can't choose our family. This is yours. How you respond is entirely up to you.

But I must say..again.. all you can do... is your best.

You can't change any of them, you can only change how you think about them.

No.. your family isn't how it is "supposed" to be. But I have learned... I know this is hard.. but.. I have learned: there is NO "supposed to be".

All we have is our own reality.. not the Brady Bunch. The Brady Bunch is fiction.. period.

You clean out as much as you can, when you can. They can cry, rant and rave about your pace til the cows come home.

Reality is..There IS no rush.

Unless you live in the DC area... there is NO great housing market. There is NO way that house will sell ANYtime .. rapidly. It just isn't happening in this market.

So their claim of YOU holding them up defies logic and... I'm sorry... but smacks of further abuse.

And in my humble opinion.. it is up to YOU whether or not to "sit" for or "take in" that abuse into yourself. If I were you I would try to grow some Armadillo like skin and let their words bounce off. You clearly do not need to accept any kind of abuse or even negativity into yourself at this most difficult time. But.. that's your choice. However I would hazard a guess that your healing will be easier with ignoring their ignorance.

For 16 years you were the one there. You were the one they probably turned to first for help. You were the one who helped them the most probably. And however long it takes for you to get through the stuff of your son's childhood... is exactly how long it will take. You are doing your best and if that is good enough for you... trust me.. it IS good enough.. period.

If we lived anywhere close to eachother I'd be over there with my sleeves rolled up and my boxes and hefty bags ready. Because of course.. the sooner you get through the "stuff" the better off you will be for your OWN peace of mind. And I know how HUGE a job this is.

And I have learned... peace of mind should be my focus.. my OWN peace of mind. Because if I lose that.. I'm NO good to anyone.

So think of yourself and your son.. forget your sibs and their hurtful words and abusive actions and attitudes. They are acting in their old familiar roles because they literally may not know how else to behave. And if by chance they DO know a better way.. shame on them. But NOT you.

They are not right... They may not know any other way to behave... but IMO they are wrong to rush you or make you feel in any way badly.

Temmie do what you think is best. Get through as much stuff as you can as soon as you can BUT without hurting you.

I have learned... where my family lacks.. I can fill in with other people. Reach out to your better friends and ask for their assisance in any way you think they can help.... however small. And ask your son to allow you to make reasonable choices on his behalf as far as what to keep and what not to. Of course if he is anywhere near close... he could come home and help at times too oon weekends or breaks. Don't be afraid to ask that of him.

Again I wish we lived close .. I'd be there in a heartbeat.

(((((((((((((((((((Temmie))))))))))))))))))))) Huge hugs for you.

Know you are NOT alone.. It's not easy.. we know that. Remember NONE of us grew up in the Brady Bunch household. We've been through stuff with our families too. And I hope that at least makes you feel somewhat better in that you are NOT alone there. We've all been through the "stuff" portion of grief. And many of us have had to clear out homes and under severe time constraints.

It can be done.. but no doubt.. it is a HUGE job and we SO understand.

We are here for you.

XO

leeann

[Temmie]

Thank you, Leeann.

As usual, your words are heartfelt and true.

You packed quite a bit into this .... Will take time for me to digest (as well as taking time to sift through and digest issues of childhood (my son's and mine) and loss .... It is certainly complicated, but their is always simplicity in letting go. Letting go of habitual response. Letting go of caring about what others think, etc. Just letting go.

I do appreciate being able to write here (and always enjoy your thoughtful and to-the-heart reponse).

There was someone else, incidentally, who sent me a "pop up" of some sort. I am not particularly savvy working my way around the site here (and have lost) ... but thank you, one and all.

One step at a time.

One step after another.

Temmie