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I Found This Interesting

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I lived in San Diego, I was barely making it, financially I mean. I had some decent friends that I made during my 3 year stay. I was tired of going job to job that kind of stuff just wears you out, you learn about this job and then you move and have to find another one and learn the whole thing over again well that was my situation. April 5 I called my dad and in a subtext said I was tired of living here. I had myself in a financial hole, my life wasn't looking to great, I had food to eat and shelter over my head, and people I could talk to. I finally thought I had made it a beautiful room in a beautiful house I was living I used to complain that it was to far away from civilization to make things fair we lived in a residential neighborhood it seemed so far away when you’re on top of a huge hill.

November 16, 2005 I can honestly say I don’t remember very much for the next year all that I know is that I went off the really deep end. I meet a girl. And we got into a lot things that only evil can breed. I lost a lot of weight and a lot of friends that I found out later where not really friends. I was white skinny really skinny, and I had bags under my eyes I looked horrible; it was total embarrassment with a sense of grandeur. It would be hard to categorize theses into a certain word of experience that I can relate to, and that’s why it’s hard for me to write this. I still don’t remember very much. I don’t know if anyone has seen the Uninvited the new movie with that girl in that movie it feels like a vague experience of what I experience.

I’m back home with my family now, not where I started by no means. My mom died January 1st 1996. What a day. I think the brain blocks out certain memories and events that in the present looking back you can’t handle yet. That’s why I don’t believe in a god if he gave you something that you can handle then why would be block out all those events on purpose? I was 7. I think I believe in people instead and fun, and joy, and being safe don’t you? I can really barely remember my mom, even though I had 7 years with her along that 5 or at least 4 I should really remember but I don’t. I remember the smell of her sweater I remember certain little movie clips in my head and I remember little things I don’t remember her who she was who her energy was.

I ran across this website last night. And the reason why I’m writing this post is because it’s a post and it’s my first one. I wanted to tell everyone I a conversation I thought was profound. On my way home from San Diego, my grandparents on my mothers side live in Santa Barbra I stopped over night, and my grandma pulled out some letters in a journal she writes to herself sometimes, she still mourns over my mom passing and I occasionally do also, it sneaks up on me all the time, she’s always with me in my heart. She read me a passage that I don’t have, this is from memory. She said when someone does something kind she can’t stop saying thank you and that she knows that she irritates people sometimes by that. She notices kindness and can really feel it and little goodness in life like the fresh breeze when you step outside really affects her, nothing really affects her I mean the little things like they used to there trivial and unimportant in the understanding of things now. I should probably edit this. Maybe that’s the dark positive side of a loved one a parent that I truly will always love. I used to dream about her all the time, I was in denial for longer that I can remember I’ve had hundreds of sleepless nights, and I still cry when it hurts to much. Thank you for listening if you have. And I would love any comments or any other profound experiences on the good side of death if that is even appropriate to ask. Thank you very much Isaac.

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Each of us looks at death and the after effects differently. We also look at God in many ways. Personally, I don't think he is being mean to you by letting you forget things about your mom. You said you still remember the smell and how wonderful that is because my husband has only been gone 15 mos and I have to smell his pillow to really remember his smell. Your "blacking out" things is a coping mechanism and it is one way we all go on. God doesn't want a small child to remember the horrific things in their lives. He wants them to move forward with happiness and at such a young age there aren't a lot of things to remember for most of us. I hope you will be able to find happiness and maybe if you journal, like your grandmother, you can get a lot of things out of your system and move forward. Good luck to you.

I'm glad you seemed to have found your way out of your dark hole in your life.

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