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About mlg

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    Advanced Member
  • Birthday 02/23/1948

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  • Date of Death
    Jan. 18,2008
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    Central IL

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  1. I'm sitting here reading these posts and have had so many of these experiences. I was lucky to make so many good friends in my grief support group and we have done things together. Although I love them and enjoy them I hate that "widows" seem to be the only people I can hang out with and feel comfortable. I had a friend who lost her husband last summer and one of the times I went to visit her, she said I have to apologize to you. I was a little confused. She said that until now she had no idea what I was going through and she felt bad about it. I told her that no one knows what it is like until they are there. I think that is the problem with other people but I want them to do as many things with their spouse as they can because you never know when they won't be there. Marge M, I too have a friend who was never able to grieve her first husband. It was Christmastime and she had 3 little kids expecting Santa. She has told me she will need me if something happens to her present husband because she was never able to mourn the first so it's going to be a double whammy. I hope I'll still be around to help her. We all want our friends to be happy, our kids to live their lives but that doesn't make it any less lonely for us. Several of us were talking one night and totally see how some of the left behind spouses become alcoholics. It was be so easy to try to drown your problems but that will only bring more problems. None of us has the perfedt answer but we have everyone on here and can be totally open with them So cheers to us.
  2. My poor dog has to take all my wrath. I so miss Tom's teasing. He could almost always make be laugh even though I might try to not show it.
  3. This is odd and I hope I don't make things worse but since Darrell's love was Cookie I hope is doesn't hurt when I say Darrell and Cookie (referring to the other contributor) I haven't seen anything that makes me believe that you have children, do you? If so are they physically or emotionally close to you? I can't tell you it gets better because it just was 11 years for me and some days it is like it was yesterday. Since none of us on here really knows the other person it is hard for a long time to try to figure out what to say. Sometimes it just takes going through things 2,3,4 times to get it anywhere near right. I had read several of the posts about Thanksgiving and this year I think I finally got it right for me. At first I was invited to my youngest daughter's in laws but there were some of them that made me feel like I was butting in so I decided that wasn't for me.Then I stayed home. Then my older daughter asked me to come to her inlaw's dinner. It was nice and people didn't make me feel like I was butting in but I just didn't have much to talk to them about because I really don't know them well or what they do and things they like. I just couldn't participate in things. This year I decided just to stay home and got myself a small turkey roast, made mashed potatoes , slaw and cranberry sauce. After lunch I sat and binged on Hallmark movies and about 5 a friend called and asked me to come play games at her daughters. On the way home I stopped by my youngest daughters for a minute. It was the best Thanksgiving I've had in 10 years. So hopefully eventually you will find your nitch too. It just takes time and it's different for all of us. Just don't be so hard on yourself. Shirley, You are just beginning this journey. Take all the time you need, whether it be minute by minute, hour by hour or day by day. Make it your own speed and if you have to back up don't be ashamed.
  4. Oh, how I can relate. Several of us ( a lot that became widows about the same time) went to the Shawnee Wine Trail for a girl's weekend. One lady's husband decided to go visit his sister in Tx since she was going to be gone. She was so angry at this and I said why didn't you go with him then. She said because she really didn't want to. She kept going on and on and I finally yelled, "just be glad you've got him to be mad at". Then I shut my mouth and thought , what have I done? I apologized and she said it was ok. Two or three years later her husband died suddenly and she came up later and said, Now I get it" The thing is until you've gone through this you really have no clue. I guess if you didn't have a good relationship it would be different and maybe you'd be glad to be out of the relationship but I don't think that is it with most of the people on here.
  5. Cookie, Give the pup some time. He will never replace your husband but the one I got about 18 mos after Tom passed I swear is Tom incarnated at times. I've always hated for anyone to touch my feet and the first thing he did was lay on my feet. It is so nice to have someone to greet me and genuinely be glad to see me to see when I come home at night. He gives me a purpose. We play this game at bedtime about whose side of the bed is it and Tom was always a big teaser. He likes to snuggle and try to keep me from going to work. How long have you had Rio? Did you have a dog before. I know it is cold now but in the spring maybe if your town has a dog park or just walking him may open opportunities for you. Good luck and be patient. Remember it's a step at a time to get through this.
  6. Try not to be so hard on yourself. I haven't been here in a while so I read a couple of your posts and some of them sound so much like me. My 5th year was my worst and I felt like I was falling in a hole that I wasn't so sure I would get out of. I finally had to start medication and don't be afraid to do this if you aren't on some. It really helps manage a day. I didn't see if you had worked before Steve got sick or not. It doesn't sound like you are working now. I don't know how big a town you are from but one good thing I did for myself was I joined a water aerobics class at the Y. I did it because I have a a lot of arthritis and thought the water would help and it does but also I am a people person and needed some interaction. This was one of the best things I did for myself. We even go out to eat together once in a while. I won't bother you with anything else until I get to know you a little better.
  7. Thank you Marty. I can't say I'm glad to be back but I always know there are good friends on here. I have lost so many friends this year, it really brings you down. I know the older we get the more often it happens but that doesn't help. A friend of mine that passed away several years ago and she had 3 daughters and I try to keep an eye on them for her. Her oldest daughter (49) just lost her husband and I told her she needed to try this forum so I was looking in to see if my old friend Kay C was still here and she was. I hate that we have lost Wendy . Even though I have never met these people in person I feel that they are my friends. Glad to see that you can keep this site going. MLG
  8. Lainey, I am so sorry that you have had to go through this twice. I can't even begin to imagine. Like you said, you got through it once and you WILL get through it again. Just give yourself time. Small children especially can help us through many a day. Do you have a pet or would you consider getting one. That is one thing that has gotten me through many a day. that unconditional love just can't be beat. I can understand in a way some of the things you are saying about your step children. Just don't expect too much from yourself. Take it slow and easy MLG
  9. Dear Linda, The 5 year mark was my worst year. I was falling in a big dark hole and I was afraid I wasn't going to come out. I finally went for counselling and started on medication. There was no rhyme or reason for this unexpected feeling. So to answer your question, you are perfectly normal. Yo may have to go back to the beginning and take it one minute or one hour at a time to get through this but you can get there. It just slow and steady. Keep coming here because there are a lot of good people on here and Marty won't let you drown. MLG
  10. I noticed in reading through the posts that you and I share an anniversary. Ours would have been 46 this year. It is always a hard time on me because he died Jan, 18, our anniv. is Feb 6 and my b'day is Feb 23rd. Even though it's hard it helps that I have another friend who lost her husb around the same time and we can console each other. You were talking about the master garden class. I finally last year (8 years out) made myself figure out things to do with my time. We have a community garden so I started helping with it 1-2 days/week. Do you have something like that? Made some new friends, renewed some old acquaintances and got my hands dirty. Just a thought. You mentioned that you were only 8 weeks out. Don't be so hard on yourself. You are probably at least half way in the "numb" phase. Each of us handles things our own way but don't put added pressure on yourself. I hope being able to vent on this site will help you as much as it did me. Mary Linda
  11. We all look for those special things from our loved ones. I'm sorry that you are having to go through this. Glad your daughter went with you. Just keep yourself busy with whatever and I can't say it will get better but it will get softer, if that makes any sense. Mary Linda
  12. I haven't been on here for a long time but just happened to get on tonight and see your post. Does your hospital have a patient advocate or an ombudsman?. If not usually states have one that you could probably contact to help you get through all the jargon. Sometimes a parish nurse will help you get the answers also.
  13. In defense of those that say "stupid" things, I'm sure they don't think they are stupid and are just trying to help. You can tell which people are sincere and which ones aren't. Just like each one of us is walking down a different road, even those who have taken the journey may find some things more comforting than myself. I guess we have to respect how they are feeling too. Just like my kids, who don't want to say something about Tom when we get together every year to celebrate his b'day. I don't even ask any more because it hurts more to have them say no than to not have them say anything. Like Kay C, I get hurt sometimes when the kids don't ask me to do something with them, but then I remember that they have their lives, their kids and their friends. They don't have to babysit their mom. I get that but it doesn't make it hurt less, it's just that I do understand. Scba, you'll probably never get totally over this, you'll just learn to adjust to it in your own way, whatever that may be. Just don't be hard on yourself, you are still just a baby in this process; I'm almost 8 years out and have some of the same feelings.
  14. Thanks, it's just another pothole in the road of life.
  15. It's been a while since I have been on here but feel like I need it again. My mother passed away on 3/19/15 and that was hard to accept but she had 881/2 years so it was understandable. On 5/14 I got a call at 1:55 am to tell me my brother had suddenly passed away. That's two deaths of significant people in 8 weeks. I hadn't even gotten all the papers for the things we were collecting from for my mom yet and now will have to go back to find out what to do. I'm hoping they will let us just put it to go to his estate to make it easier. As bad as my losses were a friend of mine lost her brother in law and the day of his funeral her son committed suicide. I can't even imagine what that would do to you. She seems to be doing fairly well but I know it is going to hit her like a ton of bricks before long. Please say some extra prayers for all of those who have lost someone. MLG
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