Shock

[Jenny]

Hi.

My baba (grandma) died 8 months ago. I was really close with her because since I was a baby I lived with my mom, dad, baba, grandpa and my brother. So I was raised with 2 moms and 2 dads, essentially. I miss her a lot. She died 2 weeks before christmas.

I have been in counselling for a little while...I went to a group thing for grieving teens (cuz i'm a teen and i'm grieving) and it was pretty much the best thing ever. It's expressive arts therapy so I get to colour lots:P

I am also in individual counselling as of a month or so ago, and i was talking to my counsellor about how I feel like it's not even real. How I still forget she's gone all the time and that I just don't believe it and it doesn't seem like she's gone. My counsellor told me it can take on average up to 8 months for those feelings to go away.

Those feelings are going away. and it really scares me. I don't like feeling that way at all, and I'm REALLY scared. I don't know what to do.

My aunt louise also died today so I'm feeling very sad.

I don't like feeling like this and I wish it would go away.

can anybody help me?

[Boo Mayhew]

Jenny, the first thing I would say is that it is impossible to put a timeframe around your grief, feelings or thoughts. For me personally it took six months for me to accept that Cliff had died on EVERY level ... rational, emotional etc. That said, even now I become fuzzy ... and have to remind myself ... oh yes, he's not coming back Boo ... so you have got to do this, ask someone to do this etc etc.

It is fear, shock, horror, numbness, denial ... and understanding ... all in a ball and you become the ball, bouncing around ... with so many inner ramblings and turmoil that it's difficult to grasp the full ramification of what it means and what has happened.

It sounds as though you have reached the same place along this unwanted journey that I have reached (I call it "reality")... so let's hold each other's hands thru it OK? I got here around 3 weeks ago and panicked ... thought I might not be able to "do" this, that my sanity might go, or worse ... but actually after a few very dark days where I was thinking, this is even worse than before. What if it gets even worse - panic, breath, slow down, one day at a time, one step at a time. Slowly, slowly, 3 steps forward, 2 steps back (sometimes 5!) ... get back on track, and so on and on and on ... then after around 2 weeks I started to feel slightly better. It's like the train is now pulling out of the station slowly, en route to the next hurdle in this process.

But we will both get there hun OK? You can message me anytime, but whatever you do, keep posting while you are feeling scared because it will help to ground you and calm you down a little.

[Jenny]

Thanks Boo.

I'm really scared. of Everything. I really dont' feel safe a lot of the time. I don't like to be alone. and that's a contradiction because I am alone most of the time:P

[Boo Mayhew]

that's because your world, and how you defined it, has completely shifted on its axis ... of course you are scared. It has made you question exactly what is solid and stable in your world and your life, and the shock and horror of your Baba dying has shown you how fragile life is ... made you feel vulneable and frightened. I'm the same without Cliff because he always made me safe, and he came into my life as my wonderful parents left it ... becoming my new pillar and rock and everything safe and the one person I could absolutely trust. Hang in there, it will be alright ...

[Jenny]

Baba was the only stable one in the family. I think she was the only one okay with her having cancer. I miss her so much because she held us all together and we were all made strong when she needed us. She was magic.